


Testing The Chains

by TheSassBrit



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Adoribull - Freeform, Alistair/Female Cousland - Freeform, Awkward Flirting, Cullen is King Nerd, Dorian/Iron Bull - Freeform, Drug Addiction, Drug Withdrawal, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Hawke/Fenris - Freeform, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, POV Cullen Rutherford, POV Inquisitor, Trevelyan is Queen Nerd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-11
Updated: 2015-09-17
Packaged: 2018-03-30 00:48:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 74
Words: 133,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3916978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSassBrit/pseuds/TheSassBrit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Commander Cullen of the Inquisition never anticipated testing the chains of his past with the help of a mage. Yet, here he was.</p><p>Tessa Trevelyan, the Herald of Andraste, never expected to find comfort and help from a former Templar. Yet, here she was.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Herald

Cullen did not truly know what to make of the Herald of Andraste when he first saw her.

Surely, the willowy mage in front of him was not the savior that stopped the Breach from spreading?

Tessa Trevelyan, though, was the Herald of Andraste and she had taken Cassandra’s introductions with grace before diving into the problem at hand.

Lady Montliyet had informed them beforehand that she was a member of the noble house Trevelyan in the Free Marches. He had a hard time believing it when she accidentally knocked over one of the pieces on the war table with a rushed apology that was anything but noble. The action was oddly endearing and Cullen found himself studying her more than he ought to when she wasn’t looking.

Then the topic of whether to seek the Templar’s or the Rebel mage’s help finally arose after they informed the Herald of their situation. That was when she surprised him.

“And I still disagree. The Templars could serve just as well,” Cullen argued when Leliana suggested reaching out to the Rebel mages.

Trevelyan’s soft voice surprised them. “Is that because you are one, Ser?”

All four of the Inquisition’s members stared at the Herald, who now had a slightly sheepish look on her face. “It’s hard not to recognize one when you’ve been around them for years,” she explained, tugging on the end of her long braid.

Cullen held back a chuckle. “I was a Templar, Herald,” he replied, “And I know what the Templars are capable of. They can help suppress the Breach.”

The argument continued. Leliana, Josephine, and Cassandra all believed that pouring more magic into the Breach was the path to take, which Cullen thought was foolish. The Herald stood silently while they debated. Her blue eyes stayed narrowed on the map before her and she would occasionally glance up at them as they argued.

Cullen soon discovered that she had a witty and quick tongue when the Chantry was brought up. After Josephine dismissed the argument about the Templars and Mages, she informed the Herald of the Chantry’s stance on the Inquisition.

Trevelyan had barked out a laugh and said, “Well that didn’t take long,” when the Ambassador informed them of the Chantry’s denouncement of her.

The young mage looked almost shocked to hear that she was the Herald of Andraste as well, which only increased Cullen’s curiosity about the woman standing across from him.

“How do you feel about that?” he had asked, wondering how she would react. Would she like the title? Would she deny it? Would it get to her head?

A deep sigh escaped from her before her teeth worried at her bottom lip. “It’s…a little unsettling,” she finally admitted, fingers tightening around her staff even more.

So it bothered her. Cullen did not know why, but that little fact was reassuring to him.

The meeting finally ended with the Herald saying she would go to speak to Mother Giselle at the Crossroads with Cassandra. She quickly walked out next to the Seeker and the two women began to make plans for their journey to the Hinterlands the next morning.

He didn’t see her again until later that day when she walked out the gates of Haven and approached the camp.

“You there! There’s a shield in your hand! Block with it! If this man were your enemy you’d be dead,” Cullen barked before giving more orders to his Lieutenant.

A small cough made him turn to see the Herald standing near him, looking around the camp and the sparring soldiers with an almost childlike wonder.

“Never seen a camp before?” he asked with a crooked smirk, crossing his arms.

Trevelyan shrugged and looked around. “I’ve seen one. My family had their own barracks at our estate. It’s just been so long…” she trailed off and stepped closer to his side when a soldier was knocked back a little too far in a sparring match nearby.

A tense silence came over them when she accidentally bumped into him with the action. He cleared his throat and stepped away a little.

“Tell that one to tilt his shield down more,” she suddenly said, pointing to a poor recruit named Jim.

Cullen looked and, sure enough, Jim was struggling. “Jim! Shield!” he shouted.

Jim quickly fixed his shield’s position and gave the Commander a grateful nod.

Cullen stared down at the mage beside him. “How did-“

“My grandfather was a Templar at Ostwick for many years and my brother joined the order a couple years before I left for the Circle. They both were more than happy to tell me their ways.” Cullen could swear he could see a little smirk starting to appear on her face.

Her eyes suddenly widened when he didn’t reply right away. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to criticize! I just notice those things and I say things before I think and...” She started to tug on her long braid as she looked away.

“It’s quite alright,” he quickly said. The Herald already had enough on her shoulders; she didn’t need to think that he was upset with her, which he wasn’t. He was just surprised.

One of her hands lifted to tuck a stray lock of curly hair that escaped her braid behind her ear. “I just remembered how angry the Templars at Ostwick became when I pointed out if their form was bad or not. I was 13 and didn’t know any better, but they still got angry.”

Cullen couldn’t hold back a chuckle, trying to imagine how humiliating it would be to have a 13 year old mage point out a mistake. “I could only imagine,” he commented wryly before shouting an order at another recruit.

The Commander glanced back down at the Herald and one of his questions from earlier came to mind. “How did you know that I used to be a Templar? Did the Lady Seeker tell you?”

Trevelyan looked away and Cullen noticed that a light dusting of pink appeared on her cheeks. She pushed her braid over her shoulder before explaining. “Well…you just stand like one…I think.” She shrugged. “At least your posture reminded me of the Templars I saw at Ostwick. My suspicion was confirmed when I could sense the lyrium.”

Ah. The lyrium that still remained in his body. 

Cullen almost sighed. He shook the foreboding thoughts about it from his mind and focused on the Herald again, deciding to change the subject. “Just so you know; I am always willing to help with anything you may need, Lady Herald. Maybe you could help me show these recruits a thing or two someday as a distraction.”

She looked up at him and Cullen suddenly realized that her big, heavily lashed eyes weren’t blue like he thought they were. They seemed to have a tint of deep purple, causing them look a dark shade of violet instead of blue. Her full lips pulled into a smile and it felt like the breath was knocked out of his lungs.

Maker, how did he not see how attractive she was earlier?

“Thank you, Commander. I also wanted to just get this out of the way, in case this was a problem.”

Cullen quickly regained his inner thoughts and focused on her words. “And what would that be?”

“Do you have a problem with me being a mage? I know other Templars are having a hard time accepting that the Herald of Andraste is a mage and I just wanted to know if that made you uncomfortable or not. We will be working together after all and--well--I suppose you know what I’m getting at now.”

To be honest, the Commander did feel slightly uncomfortable with the fact that their main agent was a mage, but then he heard about how she wanted to save the scouts missing in the mountains on the way to the remains of the Temple of Sacred Ashes. And he heard how she was willing to cooperate with the Seeker and the Inquisition even when they were threatening her at first.

Then he remembered why he joined the Inquisition, he saw what hatred from both mages and Templars could cause firsthand at Kirkwall and he wanted to make sure nothing like that happened again and that meant letting go of his own fears and distrust. It had been many months since the Chantry explosion and he knew that perhaps showing the Herald that he trusted her would be his next step.

“I will admit that I have distrusted mages for many years, and sometimes without cause. But I can assure you that I am willing to set that aside and change for the Inquisition and I will only judge your character on your actions, Herald. You will have no reason to fear me.”

Her violet eyes narrowed for a moment, studying him for many moments before she finally nodded. “Thank you Commander. It’s nice to know that I’m going to be seen for my actions and not for my sparkling fingers for once.”

She bid him farewell and started to walk away. The weak sunlight hit her strawberry blonde hair and Cullen was suddenly reminded of the wheat fields he had worked on with his father and brother many years ago in Honnleath.

He shook the image from his mind and went back to work, feeling a little more confident in their Herald than he did before.


	2. The Commander

The Commander was almost an enigma to Tessa.

He was the typical tall, serious, and disciplined military man one would expect a commander of an army to be. Despite this, all Tessa could focus on was the small glimpses of awkwardness that would occasionally show through the tough exterior he put out to the world.

When she returned from the Hinterlands and informed the Inquisition leaders of what had happened with Mother Giselle and the crossroads, he was his usual self. When the meeting had ended and they were leaving, he accidentally bumped into her and he had apologized profusely and then hurried to open the door for her.

His face also turned adorably red once when Sera, the rogue elf Tessa had met in Val Royeaux, teased him around her. The frown that followed the blush only made the situation better.

Whenever he got flustered, he would mutter ‘Maker’s breath’ while rubbing the back of his head and Tessa found it endearing.

How could someone who seemed so put together just be so awkward sometimes?

Determined to get to the bottom of it, Tessa approached the camp one evening shortly after a meeting. The sun was low in the sky and the sickly green glow of the Breach was starting to take over as it disappeared over the horizon. She held back a hiss of pain when the mark decided to flare up a little, as it always did in Haven. Tessa tugged on the soft, leather glove she kept on that hand, frowning down at the way the green glow of the mark still managed to sneak through it somehow.

Tessa loved magic. She loved learning about it, practicing it, and researching it, but this was a type of magic that made her nervous. Her heart clenched a little when the thought reminded her of Ostwick.

That was what she missed most about being away from Ostwick. She didn’t have her books to escape to here. She also couldn’t study the mark because no one has seen this type of magic before. Hopefully, Solas will help her write about it someday, since he knew more than she usually.

Forcing herself to focus on the task at hand, Tessa slowly came to a halt on the outskirts of the main camp. Commander Cullen did his job well. She was surprised with how quick the Inquisition’s soldiers were learning and how disciplined they were every time she saw them.

Tessa began to admire the reason why they were doing so well. The inner grump in her told her to stop thinking about the Commander in this light. There was no way the former Templar would develop feelings for a mage.

She watched the Commander interact with his troops and she couldn’t hold back the stupid grin on her face, ignoring the inner grump. He truly was a handsome man and Tessa would be lying if she said she never embarrassed herself around good looking people. She always managed to say the wrong thing somehow…like the one time she told a Senior Enchanter that he was gorgeous.

No, she would rather forget about that.

The Herald of Andraste bit her lip as she openly stared at the chiseled lines of the Commander’s face. His hair was just perfect too. How did he manage to do that? Tessa was lucky to get her hair back in a decent braid most days. Before she could truly think about what she was doing, she was walking toward him.

Hopefully, she wouldn’t embarrass herself.

And for once, it looked like she wouldn’t while talking to the former Templar. The Commander started to explain how he was recruited into the Inquisition and what he believed the Inquisition could accomplish. Tessa couldn’t help but grin at how passionate he was. What she saw in front of her was a man who truly wanted to help people and make a difference and she couldn’t have been happier to know that he was in charge of the Inquisition’s army.

“Sorry, I’m sure you didn’t come here for a lecture,” he said, sheepishly resting his hands on the pommel of his sword, which she was quickly learning was a quirk of his.

“No, but if you have one prepared I’d love to hear it,” she heard herself say with a smile.

Did she mention that she always said the wrong thing around handsome men?

She found his enthusiasm a little adorable and that was terrible territory to enter. No, no, no, she could NOT be interested in the Commander of the army she was helping.

Bad things happened when one gets involved with Templars. She knew to avoid them at the Circle. She learned that the hard way when she was 16… But he’s not a Templar now, an evil little voice in her mind reminded as he let out a small laugh. And he doesn’t seem the type to take advantage of others.

“Perhaps another time,” he easily replied with a smile.

Tessa found her eyes involuntarily straying toward the scar on his lip. Maker, scars shouldn’t be attractive. It should be illegal for them to be attractive. Maybe she can convince the Chantry to make them so after the Inquisition brought back order to the world.

“Tell me more about you. We will be working together after all and I want to get to know you all better,” Tessa said, clasping her hands in front of her.

He told her about his childhood at Honnleath and his time spent in Ferelden and Kirkwall. When he mentioned Kinloch Hold, she perked up. “You were stationed at Kinloch during the Blight? What was it like?”

She accidentally found a chink in his armor. She saw how his face momentarily fell and the way his whole body tensed up. His eyes held a broken pain in them for a fleeting moment before he quickly recovered and asked to talk about something else.

Tessa held back the urge to frown. Her brother, Gavin Trevelyan, was stationed at Kinloch before the circles fell. She honestly had no idea where he was and she was hoping the Commander could tell her more about that circle. But, she also know what happened when one tried to pry. Because of this, she wasn’t willing to push the issue with the Commander.

Instead, she asked him about what being a Templar was really like.

“I thought you already had a grandfather and brother to tell you all of that,” he teased, starting to walk through the camp again.

Tessa rolled her eyes as she caught up to him. “I did, but they wouldn’t tell me too much. Tell me, was reciting the Chant of Light ten times a day just as boring for you as it was for us?”

He barked out a laugh. “If you mean ‘did my mind wander as I recited the Canticle of Transfigurations while watching a candle burn down?’ Yes, it did.”

Tessa couldn’t help but laugh with him. “Oh it was horrible! I remember when my best friend summoned ice on the floor so our instructor would slip one day while he was reading it to us. The Templar there couldn’t figure out which one of us did it.”

She suddenly realized that she admitted that she liked to trick Templars to a former Templar and she instantly shut her mouth.

Cullen didn’t seem to care, thankfully, and he even let out a laugh. “Ostwick did things differently from Kinloch and Kirkwall. The mages had to study those texts on their own, not have someone read it aloud.”

Tessa shrugged. “They thought hearing it would be better than just reading it. We honestly didn’t understand how it was better.” She glanced up to see him smirking again. “So, did Templars have to take certain vows or was it just ‘I swear to watch over the mages and blah blah blah’?” Tessa had lowered her voice toward the end and spoke in a pompous tone that sounded like Chancellor Roderick with a cold.

That really had him laughing—which was also awkward yet endearing, Andraste preserve her she was in trouble--before he explained the vigil she already knew about.

Then, of course, she had thought that she was in the clear too soon. She embarrassed herself. “Are Templars also expected to give up…physical temptations?”

WHY did she ask him that? She knew the answer! What demon possessed her and altered her judgment when she needed it most?

And now the awkward side she wanted to see was starting to come out as he fumbled through a quick reply. “But they’re not required,” he finished, rubbing the back of his neck.

And then she did it again.

“Have you?”

Oh no. She couldn’t stay here. _Walk away, Tessy. Walk away with the little dignity you have left and save him in the process._

Andraste bless the man, he recovered quickly. “Me? I—uh—No, I have not taken such vows.”

What a relief.

“That—ahem—was all I wanted to know.” She paused and frantically looked for an escape route. “ImgoingtocheckonCloverbye!”

She had to stop herself from breaking into a sprint toward the stables.

Clover, the horse Master Dennet gave her, was her salvation and Tessa didn’t come out of the mare’s stall until she knew the Commander went to supper.

Handsome men were her ultimate downfall.

Especially the ones with stupid scars on their lip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which, Tessa proves that she's Queen Nerd.


	3. He barely knew her

Cullen was surprised with how quickly he became friends with some of the members of the Inquisition. 

Leliana wasn’t as terrifying to him now and he and Josephine managed to have a conversation that didn’t involve anything concerning the Inquisition over lunch the other day. Varric had slowly became his friend, mostly at the dwarf’s insistence. And Sera, an elf the Herald recruited, had deemed him her new target for pranks, and Cullen was surprised to find that he didn’t mind it that much. 

He supposed it was because she reminded him of his little sister, Rosalie,...barely. 

The friendship that surprised him the most was the one he had with the Herald of Andraste. 

It was surprising because she acted professional around him usually, and then she shocked him with her questions the other day. Surely she already knew about the vows Templars had to take? Cullen refused to believe that she had only did it to see if he had nor not. There was no way the beautiful mage could be interested in him.

Tessa Trevelyan turned out to be the shining, hopeful light the Inquisition needed, despite her being a former Circle mage. She held herself with an open attitude and a small grin could always be found on her face, despite the distrust that came with her former affiliation. Cullen always saw her talking with one of her party members or helping someone in Haven. He even saw her help an old woman walk to the apothecary the other day on his way to the Chantry. 

His friendship with her also surprised him because he never would have thought he could become friends with a mage this quickly. He finally came to the conclusion that every bad thing he saw in magic simply didn’t exist in her. Cullen feared mages who were afraid of themselves. Cullen feared mages who took too much pride or pleasure in their powers. Cullen feared mages who didn’t respect others.

Tessa Trevelyan was none of those.

Trevelyan didn’t fear her magic, like most mages. She had approached the subject of her being a mage and him being a Templar shortly after their initial conversation about it and she told him that she didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, but she wasn’t going to apologize for being what she was. She usually asked people if she could use her magic in front of them first before she cast anything and she was always fully aware of herself and her surroundings. 

Almost every act she did only proved how she wasn’t any of the negative things Cullen had seen in mages before, so he stopped thinking of her as just a mage. 

She was funny, witty, intelligent, and kind. The Herald was naive at times but was learning quickly. She lacked social grace but her awkward charm was one of the reasons people flocked to her. She did have a short temper at meetings, which he found out quickly. She didn’t take round about arguments well and she usually stomped out when they couldn’t make a decision.

Trevelyan also loved books and learning, which he found out quickly. She was constantly asking people questions and she was always either talking to one of her friends or asking Josephine, Leliana, or Cullen about how to approach certain people with certain subjects. Cullen could always find her browsing the various books around the Chantry when she was in Haven as well. When she wasn’t hiding in her horse’s stall, that is.

He was glad he was able to just see her as a person instead of the hero or the threat others saw. 

Knowing this, he became confused when he overheard people judging her solely on her appearance, which made no sense to him. He had already had Sera tell him that the Herald’s face was a little round and her eyes were too big for her tastes. He also heard some of the female recruits mutter about how they were jealous about her hair and willowy figure and thus, they hated her. 

It was confusing beyond belief. 

But it also proved his point further. 

No one that kind and innocent could be interested in a man like him. He had too many things haunting him to be good for anyone at the moment. Besides, surely she distrusted Templars? He might not be a member of the Order any longer, but he was sure she had her reasons to distrust him solely on his former involvement.

Trevelyan never seemed to show that. When she spoke to him, she didn’t fidget in fear like he had seen other mages do. She looked him in the eye and told him her opinion. It was those fleeting moments like when she asked about the vows he took that made him believe that there could possibly be a chance that she saw him as more.

He couldn’t help but watch her when she was in Haven and it didn’t help sort out his confused feelings at all. It took him a few days after she returned from the Storm Coast to realize that he had actually developed a crush. 

A blighted crush.

The realization hit him when he overheard her talking to Iron Bull, the newest member of the Inquisition, on the way to the blacksmith. 

“You know, Boss, I really like redheads.”

“So you’ve said.”

“Do you consider yourself one?”

“Why do you ask?” she retorted, crossing her arms with a grin.

Cullen was irritated at what he heard as he almost stomped away and he finally realized he was jealous of a damned, one-eyed Qunari.

His mood lightened seconds later when he found her by his side on the way to the smithy. “Are you going to talk to Harritt?”

“I--uh-yes,” he managed to choke out. Maker, she was so pretty when she smiled and he was acting worse than a Chantry boy.

“May I join you? I have to ask him about the staff he’s designing for me.”

He had to force himself to look away after she said that.

The Commander soon found himself automatically looking at her when she was even remotely near him. He had to actually remind himself not to stare during the meetings in the Chantry or anywhere else. It seemed like he was hyper aware of her presence and he didn't know what to do.

Maker, he barely knew her, yet he couldn’t take his eyes off her.


	4. Nicknames

“Varric?”

“What?”

“Why don’t I have a nickname?”

The dwarf looked up from his journal, arching a thick brow at the Herald from his spot by the fire. “You know, the last woman who asked me that could kick my ass. You’re no exception.”

Tessa plopped herself down on the bench next to him, ignoring his comment. “I’m honestly kind of hurt.”

“And why is that?”

“I thought we were friends. Everyone has a nickname but me though.”

Varric looked at her with narrowed eyes for a few moments before grinning. “Glowy.”

“Sera already used that. Try harder,” Tessa replied, deadpan.

“Dammit, how about...Red?”

“How original.”

“Give me time, I’ll think of something.”

Tessa looked up to see Cullen talking to Cassandra in the distance. “What’s the Commander’s nickname? You said you knew him.”

“Cullen? I call him Curly.”

Tessa’s brows pinched as she looked at the dwarf again. “Why Curly?”

“Why don’t you ask him?” Varric chuckled. 

There was a problem with that suggestion. Tessa was having trouble even talking to him these days. She constantly had to remind herself to not act like a bumbling chantry girl around him. "I have a feeling you know why I can’t do that.”

“Is it his dashing good looks? You two are kind of gross with how you constantly look at each other.”

“Oh really?”

“You forget, I’m very perceptive.”

“I hate you.”

“I got it! Pinky! That’s your nickname. You know, because you blush so much.”

“Call me that and I will tell Cassandra that you were the one that stole her lunch that day at the crossroads.”

The dwarf considered his options for a moment. “Oh shit. No thanks.”

“Hmph.”


	5. I'm sorry

Infuriating.

That was all Cullen could have called what just happened with Lady Montiliyet and the pompous noble she made him talk to. He was still grumbling about how noble men need to shove their demands where the sun doesn’t shine as he stomped toward the door of the chantry. The reports in his hands were starting to look more crumpled by the second as he strode away. The man even dared to tell Cullen how to command his own army! Clerics and sisters jumped out of the way as he shoved the doors open.

Cullen stepped out into the crisp, winter breeze and took a deep breath. He quickly glanced through the reports he held, making sure he had them all. He muttered a curse when he realized he forgot a few on the war table.

Hoping he wouldn’t run into the nobleman again, he promptly turned around and started to slowly make his way through the sanctuary toward the war room. Cullen barely held back a groan when he saw Lady Montiliyet still speaking with the donkey’s arse near the war room door.

He stayed toward the opposite side of the room, hiding in the alcoves near the various doors as he walked along, and he almost thought he was in the clear when the door to the chantry kitchens suddenly opened and smacked into him.

Big, violet eyes met his amber ones as he stared down at the Herald of Andraste in mild surprise. What made the situation more comical was the fact that she was bringing a large raspberry to her lips and she was holding a bowl full of the tasty looking fruit.

Her eyes widened and her cheeks instantly turned red. She looked so guilty and sheepish and—dare he think it—adorable, standing there looking like her hand was caught in the cookie jar. Cullen suddenly felt the overwhelming need to kiss away the stain the raspberries left behind on her lips. _Andraste, save me._

Seeing Tessa Trevelyan like this reminded him that while she was the hero everyone claimed she was, she was also just a normal woman and for some reason that made her even more attractive to him...not that he should be thinking that.

They both stood in a shocked silence for what seemed like hours. She kept looking back at him, then the bowl, back at him, and then the bowl. She finally held up a large raspberry to him as a peace offering, grinning a little.

Cullen couldn’t hold back a smirk as he took it and gestured for her to follow him.

Somehow, someway, the Maker was on their side because they were able to sneak into the war room without anyone noticing.

“I would ask how you got fresh berries at this time of the year and here of all places, but I don’t want to know,” he chuckled, closing the door behind them. He popped the berry she gave him into his mouth and he almost groaned happily at the taste. He couldn’t remember the last time he had fresh fruit.

Trevelyan set the bowl on the table with a giggle. “I have my ways,” she said with a wink, snapping her fingers.

Some sparks flew with the snapping sound and Cullen arched a brow.

They stared at each other for a moment, his expression deadpan and her’s smug, before she sighed with a grin, rolling her eyes dramatically. “Oh fine, you caught me! I pulled some strings in the kitchen.”

Cullen reached over and plucked another berry out of the bowl. “Like I said, I don’t want to know.”

He found the reports he had forgotten in the first place and put them on top of the stack he held.

“What are those?”

Cullen jumped and saw that the Herald was now looking over his shoulder, or rather, his elbow, at the various reports he held. Her arm brushed against his as she stood up on her tiptoes to see the papers.

“They’re Cassandra’s reports on what happened at the Storm Coast. I haven’t had a chance to really look at them until now.”

Trevelyan barked out a laugh. “Have you been able to spend time with Iron Bull and his Chargers yet? They’re fun to be around.”

Cullen stared at her in surprise. Surely a noblewoman wouldn’t be so happy to be around mercenaries? The Herald noticed his stunned look and she answered it with a smirk. “Being in a tower for ten years taught me to accept many different types of people, Commander.”

An idiot. That’s what he was. He quickly tried to think of an adequate apology as he rubbed the back of his head. “I apologize. I forget that—“

“That I got out in time to not be a stuck up noble brat? It’s quite alright, Commander,” Trevelyan chuckled, leaning over the whole war table to grab another raspberry. “I honestly would have made a terrible noblewoman. I liked being outside too much and I hated needlework and courtly intrigue doesn’t interest me.”

“Oh really?”

The Herald shrugged and gently pushed the bowl in his direction. “Care to share? I can’t finish these on my own and I noticed the Arl out there. From what I recall, he’s a right prig.”

Cullen tossed his reports on the table and plucked another berry from the bowl with a snort. “You have no idea.”

Trevelyan, again, proved to be adorable by hopping up to sit on the war table next to the reports. She started to kick her legs a little as she tossed another berry into her mouth. “I saw you and him having a row on my way to the kitchen. I wasn’t that surprised but I felt bad for Josie.”

Cullen suddenly realized what grief he probably caused the Ambassador with his earlier actions. “Remind me to apologize profusely to her,” he grumbled, reaching for the bowl again.

They remained in a comfortable silence and he finally decided to just go over the reports here. Trevelyan even helped him. “Here, just put the ones about Bull over here; he was the main reason we were there and—Maker’s breath, does she always write this small? How do you read this?”

Trevelyan was even going as far as to pulling off her glove and letting her mark shine on the parchment to make it easier to read. Her full lips stuck out in a pout and her eyes narrowed as she held the paper inches away from her face.

Cullen stared at her hand as she tried to decipher the report she was holding. Did the mark hurt her? It didn’t seem to bother her now, but he remembered Cassandra’s description of the pain she was in when they held her prisoner.

Of course, like he usually did around beautiful women, he blurted out the first stupid thing that came to mind. “Does it bother you?”

The Herald looked at him with an arched brow. “This?” she asked, holding up her left hand.

Cullen immediately regretted his decision when her face fell. A small frown was now on her full lips and her brows pinched as she stared down at her palm. She set the report aside, leaving it forgotten.

“It…it stings when I’m here. It was like when I accidentally shocked myself when first learning to use lightning spells, but different.” She paused and her frown deepened as she closed her fist. “I feel like my arm is on fire when I close rifts. Its almost as if I’m being pulled inside out sometimes...like I’ll be sucked into the rift if I don’t focus hard enough.”

Cullen instantly felt like an arse. This woman barely survived a tragedy and all they have done was order her to help them without thinking about her. She was ripped away from everything she knew and was surrounded by people who did not appreciate what she was, despite everything she did.

He saw how some of the Templars in the town would treat her. He was reminded of Kirkwall again and again when they sneered at her. Even the mages gave her a wide berth when she walked near them. They stared at her with distrust and they turned their noses up at her. He knew the Chantry sisters and clerics would start to speak in hushed whispers when she was around them as well. They were frightened of her power. They were frightened of what she represented.

“I’m sorry this happened to you,” he said without thinking.

She looked at him with wide eyes and her mouth parted a little in surprise.

Maker’s breath, her eyes were beautiful. He would have lost himself in them if they weren’t glazing over with tears.

“Herald?” He stepped closer to her as she quickly wiped away the tears that almost escaped. Andraste’s knickers, he never was good at comforting people. He had no idea what to do and waited awkwardly for Trevelyan to say something.

She turned away from him slightly and wiped at her eyes more. “Sorry…you’re just the first person to say that and it took me by surprise, that’s all.” She let out a shaky laugh. “I must look like a right fool, sitting here crying because someone apologized. Whiny Circle mage, through and through.”

“N-No, it’s quite alright.”

Not knowing what else to do, he held out a berry to her, causing her to laugh again. “Thank you, Commander.”

“Cullen.”

Her wide, violet eyes zeroed in on him again and he couldn’t help but stare back. “What?”

“Call me Cullen.”

Trevelyan sniffed and wiped away the last of her tears and took the berry he had held out. “I’ll only call you Cullen on one condition.”

“And that would be?”

“You call me Tessa.”

Cullen grinned, pulling his hands back to rest on his sword. "I think I can manage that."


	6. Clover and Phillip

Tessa couldn’t remember a time she was this angry. Oh wait, yes she did, but she would rather not think about it.

One would think if a mage was stomping away from them with sparks flying from their fingers, they would get the hint to leave that said mage alone. The Lady Seeker was not getting the hint.

“Your tactics are horrible! I know you claim to have studied to be a Knight Enchanter at Ostwick, but you obviously don’t have a clue! We almost died because-“

That was it.

Tessa whipped around, pointing the gnarled end of her staff in the Seeker’s face, stomping her foot like a child. "Stay away from me!”

Turning on her heel, Tessa started to stomp toward the stables.

Something heavy and blunt colliding with her side caused her to lose her balance and fall to the nearest snow drift.

The Seeker was now standing over her with a wooden practice sword she pulled from a barrel they walked by. “You need to learn that your actions have more consequences than-“

Tessa didn’t let the woman finish her sentence. She sent a surge of energy to the snow around her and threw it toward the Seeker.

Cassandra was barely able to pull her shield in front of her as the man sized pile of snow plowed into her.

Tessa used that time to leap to her feet and she swung the blade end of her staff toward the Seeker. Cassandra blocked it with her sword and shoved her away.

Unlike other mages, Tessa had the opportunity to live with her three older brothers for twelve years of her life before being taken to the circle. This opportunity allowed those three brothers to show her how to kick someone’s arse. 

Tessa quickly whipped the other end of her staff around and tried to club the Seeker in the head.

Cassandra obviously wasn’t expecting her to recover this quickly and know how to fight without magic so she barely was able to duck as the gnarly end sailed through the air.

Tessa started to pour magic into her attacks, causing sparks or shocks of lightning to fly whenever Cassandra’s wooden sword collided with her staff.

Cassandra shoved her away and Tessa slammed the end of her staff into the ground. The earth to start to shake beneath the Seeker’s feet. Right as Cassandra lost her footing, Tessa reached back, muttering the spell to summon ice.

A heavy, constricting feeling suddenly surrounded her and it felt like something was pulling the air from her lungs. The feeling only got stronger and Tessa watched as her spells faded away into nothing as the magical energy inside of her was sapped away.

_I know you want this._

“No,” Tessa croaked out, falling to her knees, fingers losing their grip on her staff. She was over this. This shouldn’t be haunting her. She couldn’t breathe. No matter how much she tried, she couldn’t suck in air.

_I’ve seen how you look at me, mage. You’re just like the others._

She heard heavy footsteps and shouting. He had shouted at her when she said no.

_You little slut, I warned you._

She was finally able to breathe again, but she couldn’t move. She couldn’t think clearly, all she could see was a vision of the past.

A dark haired Templar with bright blue eyes reaching for her. Reaching to…

“Herald?”

A heavy hand fell on her shoulder and that was when her mind finally told her to move. She had to get away. He couldn’t touch her. She had to get out of Silencing distance. 

Letting out a cry of fear, Tessa scrambled back as far as she could, chest heaving as she gulped in air.

She looked around in panic. Her staff. Where was her staff? She needed it to fight him off! Then she remembered; she left it in her room. Why would she need it in the library? Stupid, stupid girl!

“Tessa!”

Tessa forced herself to face the bastard. She didn’t need her staff to hurt him. She looked up and she was confused. Wait, Aiden didn’t wear fur. And he wasn’t blond either. Amber eyes that reminded her of whiskey met hers and they were full of concern.

Realization came over her as she sat with her arse in the snow. She was in Haven, not Ostwick. She wasn’t 16 and a mage that recently passed her Harrowing. She was 23 and the Herald of Andraste.

Her lungs started to pull in more air than needed as the Silencing wore off. Oh no, she couldn’t be having an anxiety attack in front of the army. That would be horrible for morale.

Unfortunately, Tessa’s body started to shake and her breathing became more rapid by the second. She tried to push herself to her feet, but her limbs just weren’t listening to her.

She heard more shouting, but she couldn’t focus in on it.

Gloved hands suddenly gripped hers and she was lifted to her feet easily. Whiskey colored eyes focused on her and the Commander loudly said, “I forgot how much Silencing can drain mages, I apologize in Ser Aaron's behalf." He nodded toward a Templar nearby. 

Many of the soldiers started to walk away and Tessa suddenly realized what the Commander was doing. He knew how Silence affected mages. It wasn’t like this and she knew he knew it. The gratitude that filled her chest was almost overwhelming and the tears she had been holding back threatened to come out.

Cullen made sure she could stand on her own before he turned on Cassandra, who was standing nearby. “And what in the Maker’s name are you doing starting a fight in my camp?!” he snarled.

Cassandra let out a disgusted snort. “I was trying to prove a point. If she would listen to me when I give out tactics then-“

“That’s no excuse.”

“Oh please, if they actually taught mages correctly in the tower then-“

Tessa felt a surge of anger and the anger helped get rid of the shaking…a little. “I only studied to be a Knight Enchanter for three months. I was forced to specialize in healing after that. Everything else I learned was done on my own time,” she spat. Picking up her staff, she turned on her heel and forced her wobbly legs to take her to Clover.

The poor Paint mare hardly ever got her stall to herself anymore. The stall had become a getaway from the rest of Haven for Tessa. Nobody thought to look for the Herald of Andraste in a horse stall.

Except for Commanders who are too observant for their own good.

Tessa had sunk down to the stall floor, idly throwing pieces of straw as Clover munched on the grains Master Dennet left her. Cullen rested his arms on the stall door and twiddled his thumbs as they remained in a tense silence. To avoid the Commander’s stare, Tessa stared at the black and white pattern on Clover’s hair. Clover truly was a pretty mare and she was happy to have her. She reminded her of the pony she had before the Circle and that got her mind off of what just happened.

“I would ask you what that was all about, but I believe you don’t want to speak of it,” Cullen finally said, opening the stall door. He reached down and what he said next surprised her. “Care to take the horses out around the lake nearby? Mine needs the exercise.”

Go for a ride? With the handsome Commander?

Shame raised its ugly head and Tessa looked away. He was doing this because he pitied her, not because he wanted to. 

“You don’t have to take pity on me, Commander,” she mumbled, trying to push herself to her feet.

Cullen surprised her again by taking her hands and helping her up anyway.

Tessa blushed when he didn’t let go either.

“I am not taking pity on you. I thought you needed a distraction,” he quietly explained. He paused and looked back toward where Cassandra was seething toward the other end of the camp. “And I know how she can get.”

He let go of one of her hands to rub the back of his head. “Unless, you truly do not feel up to it, then I apologize and—“

Oh Maker, he was being bashful.

Tessa was a weak woman. She could not deny him when he was acting that way. And…why couldn’t she believe that he had her best interest at heart? He had proven time and time again that he saw her as a person and was always asking how she was doing.

Every time she returned to Haven, he was always asking if she was well, if she slept enough, and had enough to eat. He had gotten to the point to where Varric and Sera would groan when he started asking and Varric even started calling him the Mother Hen of the Inquisition.

“No, I want to,” she said, cutting off his long winded apology. She realized that he was still holding one of her hands and the blush on her cheeks intensified.

Maker’s balls, this man was going to be the death of her.

Before she knew it, Clover and the Commander’s large gelding were saddled up and Tessa found herself trotting next to the lake. Haven truly was beautiful; Tessa just wished she could have seen it in the summer with green everywhere instead of dreary grays and white with the eerie glow of the Breach.

Tessa found herself peeking over at the man riding next to her more often than she wanted to admit. She also couldn’t stop looking at the horse.

The Commander’s chestnut was beautiful and powerful looking and Tessa wished she could take him out for a ride and see how he felt compared to Clover.

“His name is Phillip. And before you ask, no I did not name him,” Cullen suddenly said when he caught her admiring the horse.

“He’s beautiful,” Tessa mumbled. Phillip…that was an adorable name.

“He was given to me at Kirkwall. I have never loved a horse more,” he continued, patting the gelding’s neck. He paused and looked over at Tessa with a small smirk. Maker, that scar was going to be the death of her. “What about you? You seem to spend a lot of time with the horses here.”

Tessa smiled sheepishly, the anxiety from the earlier situation was slowly fading away and she needed to remember to find a way to thank Cullen properly after this. “Well, we had many horses at the Trevelyan estate. My mother used to get so angry with me when she would catch me spending time with my pony rather than working on my needlework or lessons.”

“So you were a tomboy?”

Tessa barked out a laugh. “Sort of. When you have three older brothers, you don’t have a choice. I still liked my dresses and dolls, though.” She paused and looked over at the Commander. “I couldn’t help that Blossom was better company than my tutor.”

“Blossom?”

“My pony. She was my best friend and she was one of the things I missed most at the Circle. I can’t tell you how many times I wished I could just go out for a ride.”

They fell into silence after that, letting the heavy thumps of the horses’ hooves echo throughout the trees near the lake shore.

He finally broke it when they were on the other side of the lake and far away from the camp. “What was that about, anyway? With the Seeker?”

Anger flared up in Tessa’s belly as she frowned. “The Lady Seeker deemed my ability to fight inadequate and claimed that I put everyone in danger whenever we leave Haven.”

Cullen arched a brow. “You held your own against her.”

“That’s one person. She said that I can’t work with a group and that I have no clue how to use magic to help.” The anger that flared up was now a raging inferno. “I only studied battle tactics for three months! I can’t remember everything and I have been trying to find books! She can shove her head up her arse.”

“Why only three months?”

Tessa stiffened. Dare she tell him now? No, she didn’t want him to pity her more than he did. “That’s a long and sad story you would not wish to hear, Commander.”

“As you wish.”

And that was that.

Tessa was surprised that he didn’t pry. Then again, she remembered how he reacted when she asked about Kinloch. He was probably returning the favor or he just simply understood that some demons need to stay hidden.

But, all in all, talking about it with him made her want to show him some demons. “Her words just…poured salt on the wound, I guess.”

“How so?”

Tessa looked up at the sky and tightened her grip on the reins. “I mean—I’m the Herald of Andraste, and what would people think when they discover that the Herald is terrible at something?” She clenched her jaw and looked over at him again. “I feel like I have a standard to live up to now and I fear I’ll never be able to reach it.”

Cullen looked at her for a moment before looking up at the Breach. “Do you want my honest opinion?”

Tessa sighed and looked up at the Breach as well. “And that would be?”

“I believe you already live up to that standard. You stepped up when no one else did and you have dealt with everything that has been thrown at you gracefully. And,” he paused and grinned at her, “you have people following you left and right. They believe in you. You just have to believe in yourself now.”

Tessa stared at him, dumbfounded. “You…actually think that?”

The Commander’s grin turned into a smile. “Truly, and Leliana and Josephine feel the same. And don’t listen to a word Cassandra says. Nobody lives up to her standards. And if you ask her, Iron Bull, or even myself nicely, we can help you become more accustomed to fighting with a group.”

They trotted along in a comfortable silence for a few more moments. To be honest, Tessa felt infinitely better about everything that was happening. And while she would love to have the Commander give her lessons, she felt she should probably ask the people who would be traveling with her first. Her spirits were high enough to do what she did next.

“Race you back to Haven!” she laughed, digging her heels into Clover’s side. The mare was more than happy to take off at a dead gallop.

She heard the Commander’s flustered sputtering before he quickly caught up with her.

Soon, his large gelding was neck and neck with Clover and Tessa was never one give in. She leaned forward and urged Clover to go faster. The wind whistled in her ears and whipped her hair around behind her. She felt her heart fly up in her throat like it was trying to soar itself and Tessa couldn’t remember the last time she was this happy. Wait…she could, only she was 11 and on Blossom’s back instead.

When the clearing near the camp came into view, she let out a victorious whoop and threw her arms up in victory and just let Clover go at her own pace now. The mare slowly came to a halt.

“Maker,” Cullen laughed, pulling up beside her. His hair was now a little mussed and a beaming grin was on his face.

Tessa almost fell off her horse at the sight.

“You certainly have your way with them,” he continued, reaching forward and scratching Phillip’s ears.

Tessa looped Clover’s reins around the saddle horn and she shrugged. “Like I said, I would rather spend time with my pony rather than people.” She nudged Clover to start trotting and she used her knees to guide the horse to circle around the Commander with an impish grin.

“Now you’re just showing off.”

Tessa laughed and forced Clover to fall into step next to Phillip and Cullen. “Thank you,” she said quietly, avoiding his gaze for a moment before finally looking at him again.

“You are welcome, my Lady.”

Tessa didn’t even try to stop the stupid grin from appearing on her face.

The moment was too good to stop it.


	7. Curly

Women were strange.

The Lady Ambassador kept giving him strange looks throughout their meeting today and Cullen was confused beyond belief.

The Herald had just returned from the Fallow Mire and Cullen could smell the swamp on her from where he stood. She still looked endearing to him even though she looked completely disheveled and like she had been on the road for many days. He couldn’t help but chuckle at how she made a joke about how friendly the undead were.

Josephine gave him another look and he realized he was staring for too long...again.

The meeting finally ended and the Herald left, leaving him alone with the Ambassador and Spymaster.

“Well, there is some good news,” the Ambassador finally said, sharing a look with Leliana.

“And what is that?” Cullen asked, reaching forward to move a few markers on the map.

“It doesn’t matter what the Herald looks like because she’s obviously captivating no matter what,” Leliana joked, winking toward a giggling Josephine.

Oh no, he had to escape. “Good day ladies,” he grumbled, picking up his stack of reports and stomping out of the war room. He heard their laughter as he shut the door.

Trevelyan was going to be the death of him. All of the discipline he placed on himself just crumbled when she was near him. He wiped a hand down his face in exasperation.

This infatuation needed to end, it was almost too similar to his past and that frightened him. _But this is different_ , a little voice whispered. _She’s not the woman from Kinloch._

Cullen shook the thought from his mind. No, he was the Commander of the Inquisition’s forces and she was the Herald of Andraste and the Inquisition is at war. Now was not the time to be favoring fantasies of relationships that could never happen.

_Besides, who would care for a lyrium addict who can’t even sleep through a full night and still has nightmares?_

No one would.

These thoughts considerably lowered his mood and he took it out on the recruits at the practice ground. They have become too relaxed and Cullen decided it was time to remind them that they could never relax.

And poor Jim got the brunt of it when the Commander did some one-on-one instruction with him.

“Use.” His practice sword hit Jim’s shield. “Your.” Another hit. “Shield!” He swung again.

Jim stumbled back and fell on his backside in the snow.

“I don’t think you hit him hard enough,” a familiar, soft voice joked.

Cullen looked over his shoulder to see Tessa standing nearby with a grin. Cullen’s bad mood instantly left him with her presence.

Realizing that Jim was still on the ground, Cullen reached forward and helped the soldier to his feet. “Remember that your shield is just as much a weapon as it is defense. Hold it close to your body and then strike out after a block. I know you can do it,” he instructed, putting the shield back in Jim’s hands.

“Thank you, Commander.”

Jim stumbled back to his original partner and the recruits walked away to keep practicing their drills.

Tessa had stepped forward so she was now standing next to him. She had cleaned herself up since the meeting and Cullen could now smell the faint scent of flowers instead of swamp.

She also left her hair out of its usual braid and Cullen couldn’t stop staring at the way her hair curled softly. The golden-red waves fell to the middle of her back and he was reminded of the wheat at Honnleath again.

“I heard that the soldiers from the Fallow Mire should be here tomorrow,” Tessa said, breaking the comfortable silence.

“Thank you for helping them. Leliana and I felt horrible when we learned of their capture,” Cullen replied, looking down at her in gratitude. Without her, many good men and women would have died because of his and the Spymaster’s orders.

Tessa gave him a broad grin. “I would do it again. They were only captured to get my attention. I’m not going to let anyone get hurt because of me; not if I can help it.”

Thank the Maker the Herald of Andraste wasn’t selfish. She truly cared about helping others. She did the littler things; like going out of her way to find a ring of all things for an elf. He remembered how annoyed Cassandra was with what she considered a waste of time, but Tessa didn’t care.

The two women have slowly been getting along more since their brawl a few weeks ago. An understanding had come between the two and Cullen even saw Tessa approach the Seeker for advice before they left for the Fallow Mire.

“For what it’s worth, you raised morale considerably,” Cullen commented, starting to walk toward the opposite side of the camp to see how the recruits there were holding up.

“That’s good.”

They stood in silence again, aside from Cullen occasionally barking an instruction toward a recruit.

“I want to ask Leliana for a favor but I’m terrified to ask,” she mumbled after a while.

Cullen glanced down at her. “What do you want to ask?”

Tessa worried her teeth at her bottom lip and Cullen had to tear his gaze away from the sight.

“I want her to help me find my brother. He was a Templar stationed at Kinloch before everything blew up.”

Right, she mentioned she had a brother in the Templar order. 

“I just,” she paused and looked up at the Breach with a furrowed brow. “I just wish I knew where he was and if he is well. I doubt he’s with the Templars that left the Chantry; I know he wouldn’t stand for that.”

Cullen immediately started thinking of a list of people he knew among the Templars that he could send messages to. “What’s his name? I’m sure Leliana wouldn’t mind helping if you asked.”

“Gavin Trevelyan…it’s funny. He was going to be promoted to Knight-Captain at Kinloch before the rebellion started. I bet Mum and Dad were proud.”

Cullen furrowed his brow. “Your parents didn’t write to you?”

Tessa snorted with a bitter expression. “They did the first year, then the letters slowly just stopped coming. My brothers are the only ones who truly kept it up. Gavin wrote the most and he would tell me about Kinloch all the time.”

Cullen’s thoughts strayed to his own siblings and a pang of guilt went through him. When was the last time he truly wrote to them?

“Gavin was the one who taught me how to defend myself with a staff. My grandfather was able to convince the Templars to let him stay at home for a few months longer after he was recruited. Gavin kept dragging me out into the field nearby with staves every day. He said he wanted to make sure I knew how to defend myself.” Tessa let out a soft laugh. “I suppose I should thank him the next time I see him.”

“Yes, and tell him how you almost clubbed a Seeker over the head with one.”

Tessa’s sheepish grin was priceless. “Well, she deserved it at the time. And let’s just hope I won’t have to use what Jonathan and Oliver taught me...if I can remember. I’ll have to ask Iron Bull for tips.”

“And what did they teach exactly?”

Cullen would have to shake the Trevelyan men’s hands someday. They basically taught her all the self-defense she would ever need. All he could do was nod in approval when she told him what her brothers taught her. They also were the ones that snuck her out of the Trevelyan castle to go for rides on their ponies, starting her love for horses.

What he liked most about this conversation, though, was the way her face lit up as she talked about her brothers. A constant smile was on her lips and her dainty hands started to move more and more as she talked about them. 

“I know I haven’t seen them in years, but their letters made me feel like I was still a part of their life somehow,” she mused sadly, glancing toward the lake. “Do you have siblings?”

Before he knew what was happening, they were walking toward the lake and they found themselves on the small dock near the camp. He couldn’t remember how long they just stood on the dock and just talked. She about her childhood before the Circle; him about his home in Honnleath.

Then, of course, his awkward side was bound to come out sooner or later.

“So why does Varric call you Curly?” she suddenly asked, leaning back against one of the posts on the dock with a teasing grin.

Cullen sighed. His hair was on his long list of insecurities. He never went anywhere without his hair grease anymore. “Let’s just say you never want to catch me in the rain.”

“It can’t be that bad,” she laughed.

“Trust me, Herald. You don’t want to see it.”

“What if I want to?”

Cullen stared at her in confusion. Why would she want to see--Oh…

Her eyes were wide as she stared back at him and her whole face was slowly turning pink. She cleared her throat and looked away, tugging on the ends of her hair.

Cullen had to use every ounce of self-control he learned from his Templar training to stop himself from doing something stupid, like flirt back or kiss her. No, he already established why he couldn’t do that earlier and he definitely couldn’t ignore those reasons now.

The Breach suddenly pulsed a little, causing the mark on Tessa’s hand to flare up and emit some sparks.

“Ouch! Maker’s balls!” she hissed, massaging her palm with her other hand.

Before Cullen could think, he reached out and took her left hand, continuing the massaging action and using a little bit of nullifying energy. Well, the lyrium that remained in his body was good for something. “Does this help?” he asked gently.

A small sigh escaped her lips. “Yes, thank you.” A small giggle then escaped. “I’m hanging around Sera and Bull too much. I’m starting to pick up their vocabulary.”

Cullen chuckled. “I’ve heard worse.”

He was glad he was wearing gloves because he would have been lost if he could have felt her skin against his. He tried to focus on her words again.

“It only does that when I’m here or near a rift, it’s annoying,” she grumbled, staring down her nose at the green glow from her hand.

“I’m sorry you have to deal with it.” Cullen forced himself to release her hand after he sensed the flare of energy fade.

Tessa huffed. “It’s not your fault. I just hope the Inquisition will find who is responsible and put them to pasture.”

“We will.”

Tessa grinned up at him, causing a fluttering feeling to form in his stomach. “I know we will.”

They stood in silence, staring up at the Breach.

Cullen had never felt so confident in her and the Inquisition.


	8. Redheads

“I can’t believe that I never took the time to get to know you, I apologize Herald.”

Tessa waved the comment off and passed the cup of tea she just poured to the Ambassador. “Its fine, Josephine. It’s not like either of us have a great amount of free time.”

Josephine took the tea cup and sipped at it. “Still, I wish to get to know you.”

Tessa leaned back in the plush chair Josephine kept for her noble guests. “What do you want to know?” she asked with a grin.

The Ambassador asked questions about Tessa’s family and childhood, and then the subject of her time in the Circle came up.

“Did you get along with the Templars there? Or was it like every other Circle?”

Tessa inwardly flinched when memories of dark hair and bright blue eyes crossed her mind. It was taken over by a different face from her past. A face with kind brown eyes instead. “There were a few incidents when they were at each other’s throats, other than that, there were no issues. I actually fancied a Templar when I was—oh how old was I?” Tessa looked up in thought as she tried to remember. “Fourteen! I was fourteen when I fancied him. It was horrible.”

Josephine, meanwhile, had leaned forward and was now greatly invested in the conversation. She reminded Tessa of her best friend, Caylea, at Ostwick. “No! Did anything come of it?”

“Oh Maker, no! I was too shy and he was twice my age.” Tessa giggled. “And he was the Knight-Captain.” Memories of the Caylea constantly pushing her into the Knight-Captain kept coming to mind. 

Tessa remembered the memory with fondness. The Knight-Captain at Ostwick was kind and he treated the mages fairly. He had the darkest hair she had ever seen and dark brown eyes to match it. All of the mages loved him. He even supported her when...one certain incident happened. He also humored Caylea and her other friend, Siler’s, antics. Tessa’s face fell momentarily when she was reminded again that she would never see them again. They both perished when Ostwick Circle fell. Tessa had been lucky to escape with other mages and a few Templars, including the Knight-Captain.

The mage tried to think of better thoughts than the ones that were bubbling up and she was inwardly surprised when thoughts of a man with blond hair and warm, amber eyes came up instead.

“So, it seems you have a type,” Josephine teased.

Tessa sat up and furrowed her brow. “What do you mean?”

“The Commander used to be the Knight-Captain of Kirkwall.”

Tessa’s tea dribbled down her chin and she tried to regain her composure. “I don’t know what you’re implying.” Oh no, escape Tessa. Escape now.

“We have noticed how you two look at each other when they think the other isn’t looking. You have a type.”

“The Commander doesn’t fit my type.”

“Why?”

“He’s not twice my age. He’s only what? 30?”

Josephine’s bright laughter filled the office and Tessa couldn’t help but smirk into her tea cup. Then again, if the Ambassador had noticed her staring at the Commander like a love sick harpy, who else has noticed? Oh Maker.

“I think it’s cute.”

Tessa gently set down her cup as she bit her lip. Well, there was no point in lying. The Ambassador just laid out the whole situation. “It will never work, no matter how cute it may be,” she said quietly, sitting back in her chair again.

Josephine’s brows pinched as her amused expression vanished. “What do you mean?”

The ugly truth about Tessa and Cullen’s friendship in general always reared its ugly head when Tessa even considered telling him she fancied him. He used to be a Templar, and one could take the Templar shield away, but a Templar would still be behind a new one.

She was a mage. He was a Templar. It would never work.

“Despite the fact he’s not a member of the Order, he’s still a Templar. It won’t work,” Tessa finally answered with a little sigh.

“How do you know?”

Tessa stared at the Ambassador. “You do realize how Templars feel about mages?”

“I do, but he has not shown anything of that sort towards you, last I checked. Or I was just imagining things when he stared at you last week when you returned from the swamp. You looked ghastly, by the way. Leliana and I could smell you from across the room.”

A fluttering feeling settled in Tessa’s belly at the news. She had told herself not to get her hopes up before. She knew what happened when mages got involved with Templars. Broken hearts, hatred, and distrust were the only outcomes. She saw what happened to the mages who snuck into dark corners with some of the knights. She would see them crying on their bed not even a week later.

What happened last week made it extremely hard for Tessa to remind herself to not get her hopes up.

The way Cullen had looked at her as he held her hand that day never left her mind. It was embarrassing enough to not be able to look him in the eye sometimes, but now she had that memory to make it even harder for her. Also, she was beginning to value him as a good friend and she was sure he didn’t see her as more than that.

She didn’t really have many opportunities to see him these days either. Between her going out into the field and him getting the newest recruits trained, they didn’t really have time to chat like they used to.

After that, there were decisions to be made about the Hinterlands and information to sort through from the agents Tessa managed to recruit and meetings have been nothing but bickering about whether to contact the mages or the Templars.

And the Commander always looked dashing while doing so, even when he was infuriatingly stubborn about going to find the Templars.

Tessa honestly wanted to reach out to the mages, since she knew they were the ones who were truly in trouble. Another problem rose from that mentality, though, she didn’t want the Inquisition to be looked down on by helping rebels and she also didn’t want people thinking that the Inquisition were tyrants by helping the Templars.

It was a disaster, but even when Tessa argued to help the mages, Cullen didn’t seem to think less of her. Actually, no one seemed to think less of her these days and it was a little frightening. She was used to distrust and fear, not reverence and trust. 

Tessa finally looked at Josephine again and muttered, “I am in deep trouble, Josie.”

“I know dear, I hope for the best.”

Meanwhile, the dashing Commander Tessa had been contemplating about was dealing with a similar situation.

“What’s going on with you and the Boss?”

Cullen stared up at the massive qunari beside him. Iron Bull had offered to help Cullen lead drills that day and Cullen was grateful. The way the qunari train their soldiers was surprisingly similar to the way Templars did and he was grateful for that.

“What do you mean?” Cullen asked as his stomach started to drop. He yelled at a recruit before looking back at Iron Bull.

“Oh please, you guys make me and Sera retch when you’re around each other. Tell me, does the carpet match the drapes?”

Cullen, unfortunately, understood that euphemism. “I wouldn’t know.”

Iron Bull stared at him for many moments. “Let me get this straight, you have a gorgeous redhead-“

The image of Tessa’s strawberry-blonde hair made Cullen interrupt. “She’s kind of blonde.”

“Doesn’t matter. It’s red. You have a redhead who basically can’t take her eyes off you when you’re around and you haven’t done anything about it?! Do you fall on the other side of the Frostbacks? In that case, I think that soldier has been trying to get your attention for a while," Iron Bull continued, pointing toward a recruit nearby.

Cullen also understood that euphemism. “No, I do not. And I’m not discussing this with you, the Herald and I are friends.”

“Suit yourself. Just so you know, I like redheads, and I’ve told Boss that plenty of times. Better tell her quick before I show her how to ride the bull,” the Qunari paused and a smirk came to his lips as he caught the eye of a redheaded recruit nearby, “Mmm, redheads.”

And with Cullen having the luck he had, that wasn’t the last time the Herald of Andraste had been the topic among her Inner Circle and him.

“She’s a spectacular woman. You’re a lucky man Commander,” Blackwall had said when he and Cullen were checking the condition of the new weapons for the recruits.

“What?”

“Oh, sorry. I thought you two were—Oh, never mind.”

It only got worse after that.

Varric had called out to him on his way to the tavern and he made the mistake to stop and humor the dwarf. “You know, I bet she would be completely open to anything if you want to start something, Curly.“

“Thank you, Ser Tethras.”

Varric’s laughter followed Cullen all the way to the tavern, where Sera was.

“Imagine this peach is her lady bits, yeah? All you have to do is--”

Cullen got up and left half of his lunch uneaten at the tavern before he made his way to the Chantry. "I know what to do with a woman's lady bits," he grumbled under his breath.

And to make his day better and worse at the same time, he saw Tessa and Josephine walking out of Josephine’s office at the Chantry. Without knowing it, he stopped and just stared for a moment before the Ambassador looked his way and gave him a knowing smirk.

Cullen escaped before the Herald would notice he was there.


	9. Can we talk?

Madame de Fer, frankly, was a bitch. 

But, she was a powerful mage and Tessa didn’t know whether she disliked the woman or not. 

It became evident when Vivienne decided to dismiss the problems both Templars and mages had to deal with in the Circles and just put mages in the wrong immediately. Tessa knew that both sides of the war had viable claims and she felt that saying neither had reason to revolt was just foolish. 

Tessa was livid. 

“So, every mage in existence is a weak willed vessel just waiting to be filled while Templars are the evil tyrants everyone claims they are?” Tessa countered, crossing her arms. 

Tessa had just wanted to see if the woman was comfortable and how she was handling her new role in the Inquisition, but it suddenly became an ethical debate.

“You should know, my dear. Lydia told me all about your experience. She never said your name but I figured it out when you mentioned she was your mentor,” Vivienne noted nonchalantly.

Tessa stiffened, clenching her fists before forcing herself to relax. “They’re not all like him,” she argued. 

“You say that, my dear, but what about what happened at Kirkwall? What almost happened to you was a normal occurrence there. And to think, the man that let all of that happen is now in charge of the army. Interesting.”

Tessa bit back a retort, quickly buttered up Vivienne’s ego a little before promptly walking out of the Chantry. 

Lydia _told_ someone?! 

Tessa marched out of the front gates of Haven, ignoring Varric or anyone else that greeted her and she halted in front of Cassandra, who was inspecting the practice dummies. 

“I need practice.”

Cassandra studied her evenly for a few moments before just holding out a practice sword to the Herald. “You look like you need to hit something.”

Tessa awkwardly held the sword and looked at it in her hand. It didn’t look right, but it would have to do. She grasped the handle in both hands and swung with all her might at the dummy’s head. 

Cassandra gave her some tips and just stood to the side as the Herald hacked at the dummy, letting out squeals of frustration every once in a while.

The mage finally just dropped the sword and quickly grabbed the staff on her back and started to club any part she could reach. She started to imagine the dummy being the man that Vivienne had mentioned earlier and that only made her put more power in her swings.

After what seemed like ages, Tessa finally dropped her staff out of exhaustion and sat next to Cassandra on a nearby bench. 

“What was that about?”

“None of your business,” Tessa immediately snapped. 

The Seeker arched a brow and Tessa regretted her snippy attitude immediately. “I’m sorry. Madame de Fer hit a nerve earlier.”

Cassandra snorted. “Ugh, I can’t stand her,” she paused and her expression softened slightly, “May I ask what nerve she hit?”

“I...don’t want to talk about it.”

“Why not? Talking about it solves things faster.”

Irritation rose up in Tessa again. “Then why don’t you talk about your brother? That’s a nerve!”

The two women glared at each other for a moment before they both sighed. “I’m sorry, See-”

“Do not apologize. This is just a case of the pot calling the kettle black. You’re right.”

They sat in a tense silence, just staring out at the practice yard. Tessa knew she would truly have to apologize to the Seeker, despite what she said. Cassandra had been becoming more of an ally and-dare Tessa say it-friend and she didn’t deserve to be snapped at. Tessa knew Cassandra’s feelings weren’t hurt, but it was wrong of the mage to treat her that way.

“I truly am sorry.”

“Ugh, stop it. I know.”

Questions started to swirl in Tessa’s mind, now that the haze of anger wasn’t clouding it. Her mentor, Senior Enchanter Lydia, had told someone about what happened to her at Ostwick when she was 16. That certain story was supposed to remain in the utmost secrecy. It didn’t help that Tessa was now wondering what Cullen’s role at Kirkwall really was. 

If there was one thing Tessa couldn’t stand, it was bystanders. People who were indecisive or scared to take action irritated her beyond belief.

There was a bystander in the library when Ser Aiden decided to…she shook the memory away.

Was Cullen a bystander? For some reason, she _had_ to know.

Later that evening, she happened to run into him while going into the tavern for dinner. The Commander seemed to be just leaving and he gave her a small smile. It immediately fell when she halted in her tracks and just stared at him.

“Are you alright?”

“Can we talk?”


	10. Guilt

_Can we talk?_

Cullen could remember all the times that phrase meant something horrible was about to happen. He had a feeling this wouldn’t be an exception.

He followed her to the opposite side of Haven and she opened the door to her cabin for him. He stepped in, wondering what this could possibly be about.

“What happened in Kirkwall’s Circles?” she immediately asked, leaning back against the door and crossing her arms.

Cullen furrowed his brow. “I thought you-”

“I want to know what was happening in the Circle itself. You heard the rumors while you were there, didn’t you?”

Cullen stiffened. The guilt that was a frequent companion suddenly came back at full strength and it was as if it was sapping all of his energy away. “Yes, I heard the rumors, but I didn’t want to believe them,” he quietly admitted.

They stared at each other and Cullen wondered what she could possibly be searching for, and why this was brought up.

“So you knew the Templars were doing horrible things to the mages?”

The expression in her eyes was confusing him. She seemed hurt, angry, and...betrayed almost.

“Tessa, I--”

“Don’t give me an excuse, Cullen. I just want the truth.”

He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck, starting to pace. “Yes, and that was when I started to doubt the Order. It took Meredith going mad to give me the courage to finally stand up to her. I wish I had done it sooner. Nothing can make up for that.”

Tessa almost seemed to deflate a little and she wiped a hand down her face, sighing. Her expression then became pained and hard. “Why? Why did you hesitate?” she snapped.

Flashes of dead bodies torn apart by demons and abominations suddenly appeared in Cullen’s mind. Mage and Templar alike cut down in the hallways leading to the Harrowing chamber...more dead bodies, this time of civilians, mages, and Templars on the polished, cobbled streets of Hightown.

“Because I was blind and selfish. It is one of the reasons why I am here, I knew I could not live that way anymore.” He paused and stepped closer to her. “Why did you want to know this, Tess?”

He wondered why she was so upset. He had seen her lose her temper before, but the type of anger she was directing at him seemed almost as if she was blaming him for something and he desperately wanted to know why.

She sighed again and she sagged against the door. “I just...I had to know. It has to do with that sad story I can’t tell you yet.”

Yet.

So she wanted to tell him, but she either didn’t trust him enough or was afraid to. A pang of guilt and hurt went through him when he suddenly had an idea of what her story could be. _So you knew the Templars were doing horrible things to the mages?_

The fear he saw in her eyes from when she was Silenced suddenly reappeared in his mind and his idea of what her story could possibly be solidified. Maker…

He had to let her know that he truly did regret what he allowed happen. He had to let her know that he would never let anything happen to her if he could help it. He knew it was silly and out of the line to think this way about her, since they were barely friends, but he couldn’t help it. “Does my answer bother you? Will it become a problem between-”

“No,” she interrupted, standing up straight again. “It just makes me wonder what made you blind now.” She opened the door for him, giving him a weak smile. “I’m sorry I took up your time, Commander.”

Cullen stepped over the threshold but stopped and turned to face her before she could close it. “I swear to you, Herald, I will never stand to the side ever again. I swore myself to this cause and I will see it through.”

Their eyes met and Cullen forced himself to hold her stare.

Tessa was expressionless for many moments before she nodded with a small, real grin. “I believe you.”


	11. Hitting the Wall

Cullen’s words kept ringing in Tessa’s ears even days later. She didn’t realize they were affecting her until she went to the Storm Coast to close some new rifts that had appeared near some of the Inquisition’s camps.

The day was long and tiring and Tessa’s hand was still stinging long into the night at camp. They had managed to close three more rifts and had even found one of the elven artifacts Solas told her about.

The Herald stared up at the sky, which was reflecting her mood. Her mind was still reeling about her mentor, Lydia, actually telling someone what happened to her. It seemed like her promise to keep the situation private was a weak one. Tessa leaned heavily on her staff, staring out at the rolling waves of the Waking Sea. It actually stopped raining, but Tessa could tell it was going to start again soon.

“What’s wrong with you?” Cassandra suddenly asked, giving a little disgusted scoff at the end of the question.

The Seeker was stepping out of her tent and she stopped next to her, crossing her arms.

Tessa bit her lip. She desperately wanted to tell someone how she was feeling, but all of her friends and the people she truly trusted were miles away or dead. She glanced at the Seeker, wondering if she wanted to tell Cassandra or not.

Her mouth thought for her. “Do you remember how I was upset the other day?”

“Yes.”

“I was upset because someone I trusted betrayed the trust I gave them…and I can’t even talk to her about it because she died at Ostwick,” Tessa managed to squeak out. She could feel the tears forming in her eyes and she would be damned if she actually cried in front of Cassandra.

Her shoulders started to shake, regardless.

She didn’t allow herself to cry at Ostwick, when Lydia, Caylea, and her other friends were cut down by rogue Templars, protecting her long enough to help the children and apprentices escape. She didn’t allow herself to cry when she was one of the highest ranked mages left, helping the Templars guide the children and the elderly through the forests of the Free Marches. She didn’t cry when she woke up in agony from the mark and the accusations of Cassandra and Leliana. She didn’t cry when she saw the bodies at the Temple of Sacred Ashes, gnarled and still burning.

She hated crying. Her brothers always told her to stay strong and they didn’t tolerate her tears when she was a child. Her mother always told her that crying would make her eyes red and her skin blotched.

Even now, when she cried, she didn’t sob. She never sobbed, she didn’t allow herself to. The tears silently fell and she shook from the effort to keep from sobbing.

Her father’s words suddenly rang in her ears. _“Pumpkin, you have to let it out now and then. Keeping all of those bad things you want to cry about inside will eat you inside out.”_

A whimper escaped from Tessa’s lips and she squatted down to wrap her arms around her knees so she could bury her head in them.

It was all finally hitting her. The past two years were finally catching up with her and she felt ashamed. She felt ashamed that she let how she was feeling eat at her for so long. She had to be a leader before the Conclave. She had to be the one telling the children that it would be alright. She couldn’t think about how everything was wrong. She was only allowed to actually cry when she was alone in her tent or wherever she was staying. She didn’t have anyone to confide in then and she didn’t have anyone to confide in now.

They were all ripped away from her violently and that was why she agreed to help the Inquisition. That was why she didn’t give into her urge to run. She thought of all the people she didn’t cry for and she told herself that she needed to hold on for just a little longer.

A sigh could be heard from the woman standing beside her and the crunch of the shell and gravel of the beach sounded as she took a seat next to the Herald.

“I was wondering when you would hit a wall. I cannot imagine how this is affecting you.”

Tessa sniffed, mustering up the courage to look at the Seeker. “You were expecting this?”

Cassandra snorted with no humor. “All of us were wondering when it would happen. Varric was amazed that you were managing to keep yourself together most of the time. Josephine and Leliana were actually worried. And don’t get me started on the Commander.”

They all worried for her? Bitterness bubbled in her stomach. “Worried your main agent will snap under the pressure?” she grumbled, wiping at the tears that were trailing down her cheeks.

Cassandra gave her an even stare for many moments. “I won’t lie to you. We do think that way. But we have to keep reminding ourselves that the last few years have been hard for everyone, not just us. The fact that you survived what you did is astonishing in itself and how you managed to keep yourself together afterwards is almost a miracle.” She sighed and ran her fingers through the fringe of hair that covered her forehead. “I have to keep reminding myself that you are human.”

Tessa blinked in shock. She supposed this was as close as to consoling as she was going to get from Cassandra.

“How did this person betray your trust, if I may ask?”

Tessa sighed, blinking back tears as she looked up at the moon that was barely peeking through the clouds.

And she told her.


	12. Apologies

Cullen sighed as he stared at the markers on the war table. He rubbed the back of his neck and tried to determine where the group of rogue Templars his men were tracking was going to strike next. He determined that they would most likely head toward where a group of mages that were still loyal to the Circles were. Madame de Fer was kind enough to give the Inquisition their locations so they could offer protection.

Leliana had already sent men to protect the mages and it was down to Cullen to determine where the Templars would go. He placed a marker on the table and felt satisfied with his decision, quickly writing out his orders to send out to his platoon in Ferelden.

The door opened and closed and he assumed it was Leliana or Josephine, since they said they were going to help him plan, but a soft cough caused him to look up in surprise.

The Herald of Andraste was standing in front of him instead.

His back instantly straightened and he grasped for the proper words to say. Their discussion from before she left nagged at his mind frequently. Did it set their friendship back? Would she still confide in him or was he just another Templar to her?

“Herald, when did you return?” he softly asked, going for formal politeness.

She bit at the corner of her lips, wringing her hands slightly before saying, “I came to apologize. I was upset before I left and I took some of it out on you and put you on the spot. It was wrong of me to do so.”

Her cheeks were starting to turn pink and Cullen stiffened more when he saw tears starting to glaze over her eyes.

Maker, she truly was upset.

Cullen moved so he was standing on the other side of the table and he leaned back against it so he was closer to her. He knew he shouldn’t say it was all right. If everything was all right, she wouldn’t have to apologize. If everything was all right, it wouldn’t have stayed in his mind as long as it did. “I understand why you did it.”

Tessa’s wide, violet eyes finally looked at him and she nodded, shoulders sagging a little as she let out a deep breath. “I…I have no excuse for doing that, it was selfish of me. I was feeling horrible about everything that has happened and a conversation I had with Vivienne caused me to crack.”

So, she finally hit the wall. Cullen, Leliana, Josephine, and Cassandra had been wondering when it would finally happen. With all of the tragedy that had happened lately and all of the reactions to the Herald being a mage, they expected her to hit a wall sooner.

“I understand,” he paused and crossed his arms, tilting his head a little, “you know you can speak to any of us about your troubles. We are all working toward a common goal now and we are more than willing to help you.”

Tessa sighed and stepped forward, leaning back against the table beside him. “I know, but I’m still not over the fact that the people I would usually confide in are just…gone.”

They remained in a tense silence and Cullen suddenly remembered how a Sister in Kinloch’s Chantry would talk him through his early panic attacks after the mage rebellion. “Tell me about them.”

“What?”

“About your friends. I’m sure you had plenty in Ostwick. Tell me the good things about them.”

She stared at him for a moment, eyes narrowing as she considered what he was suggesting. She finally grinned and started to talk. “Caylea was my first friend. The moment I walked into the classroom, she grabbed my hand and told everyone we were going to be best friends.”

Cullen listened as she talked more about her friends and he couldn’t help but feel relieved.

Their friendship wasn’t damaged after all.


	13. Templars or Mages

Everyone was on edge and Tessa hated it.

“So you want me to go to the people who willingly chose to fuel the fire while the Rebel mages have children and elders that can use our help?” Tessa growled, glaring across the table at Cullen. 

Tessa knew that not every Templar was horrible. There were many who helped the mages who stayed loyal escape and they protected them long afterwards. Her grandfather and brother were also good examples of the Templars that just wanted to help protect others. 

It was those who went rogue and openly attacked others Tessa had a problem with. 

“And using more magic could cause more demons to come through the rift! It could cause more problems than it is trying to solve! We don’t have enough Templars to protect everyone from possession and-”

“Oh? So every mage is just an empty vessel just waiting to be filled, Commander? Good to know,” Tessa interrupted, lip curling a little. 

“That’s not-” Cullen huffed and leaned on the table, “I’m just concerned for everyone’s safety, and that includes the mages as well! We’re both concerned about the same thing, Herald.”

“If the main concern is not having enough Templars to help monitor the situation if the mages join, we can easily reach out to the Templars that have remained loyal to the Chantry,” Josephine cut in, “Not every Templar can be following the Lord Seeker.”

“And where are we going to find the lyrium for them?” Cassandra quipped, crossing her arms.

Tessa swore she saw Cullen flinch out of the corner of her eye and she narrowed her eyes suspiciously. He had been acting strange lately. Constant headaches. She knew the signs. Training to be a spirit healer allowed her to just...know when something was wrong with someone. Cullen’s body language said ‘headache’ constantly these days. 

“And do you think the rebel mages would appreciate that? They won’t agree to anything if they find out we’re still trying to reach out to Templars,” Leliana replied, looking down at Josephine.

“Maybe instead of being two sides, we should try to get them to work together! Imagine what both the mages and the Templars could do against the Breach! They could be so much more if they could set aside their differences,” Tessa cut in looking down at the markers on the table. 

Cullen was the one to reply this time. “I doubt you are the only one who thinks this way, Herald. And contrary to what you may believe, I am not against helping the mages. I’m against the danger everyone can be in if we are not careful. I’ve seen what both mages and Templars can do.”

Cassandra scoffed. “Charming, but we are not focused on the problem in the Circles. The Breach needs to be dealt with first.”

They continued arguing for what seemed like hours. Tessa finally slammed her hands down on the edge of the table. “Let’s take a break and come back later. You all are ridiculous,” she snapped.

She stomped out of the room and firmly shut the door behind her.

The Herald of Andraste started to make her way to her only sanctuary in Haven.

She didn’t even bother sitting down in Clover’s stall. She just started to braid Clover’s mane, then she would pull the braids out, and braid it again.

“Herald?”

Tessa jumped at the sound of his voice. “Commander?”

Cullen rested his arms on the stall door and Tessa glanced at him as he let his head droop a little before looking up at her again. “I am sorry if what I said before upset you, but that is what I truly believe.”

Tessa kept braiding Clover’s mane. “I’m not upset about what you said. This whole situation just makes me angry,” she said curtly, tugging at a knot in Clover’s mane.

“I just wanted to let you know that I truly am just concerned about everyone’s safety. I wasn’t-”

“I know, Cullen,” Tessa interrupted with a sigh. She was speaking out of irritation before. “And I agree with you on the most part. But I also believe what I said. Can you imagine what could happen if mages and templars worked side by side instead of one over the other?”

Cullen gave her an even stare for many moments. “I do, all the time.”

A heavy silence hung over them. Ever since Tessa confronted Cullen about Kirkwall, their conversations seemed strained and forced sometimes. Tessa wanted to go back to when they could talk to each other easily instead of like this. “I hate this,” she grumbled, letting go of Clover’s mane.

“Hate what?” he asked, standing up straighter. 

Tessa tried to reach for the right words as she stroked her hand along Clover’s neck. “Are we going to be the typical mage and templar now? I feel like we both are scared we’ll offend each other and I hate it.”

Cullen sighed and opened the stall door, closing it behind him as he stepped into the stall. “I believe the same thing,” he said, reaching up to pet Clover as well. 

Tessa didn’t pay attention to where her hand was going and she looked in surprise when it brushed up against his. She looked at their hands on Clover’s side. His was large and covered by his glove and hers was small and looked delicate next to his. 

“Perhaps,” he said, pulling his hand away, “we can try to show how a mage and a Templar can work together. Then we both can argue for change after the hole in the sky is sealed.”

Tessa looked up at him, not being able to hold back her grin. She held her hand out to him. “Agreed.”

Cullen grinned back and took her hand in his, giving it a firm shake and his face fell a little. “Now, I didn’t come out here to reevaluate our friendship. I actually have a letter for you. I reached out to some templars I knew after you spoke of your brother. One of them found something.” He let go of her hand to reach into his coat pocket, pulling out a letter.

Tessa stared at him in shock for a few moments before taking the paper from his hands. “You…did that? I don’t know what to say. Thank you.”

Her heart started to drum in her chest as she unfolded the letter. It started to drum faster and louder as she read the letter. No, this was not good. This was not good at all.

Without saying a word, she marched out of the stall and started to make her way to the Chantry. The Commander followed behind her. Thankfully, he didn’t say anything. Tessa’s throat was starting to close up and she probably wouldn’t have been able to say anything with dignity if she tried.

She walked into the meeting room, where Cassandra, Leliana, and Josephine were still arguing. They fell silent at her and the Commander’s entrance and Tessa let out a deep breath.

“I’m going to Therinfal Redoubt. What’s our plan?”

The other women glared at the Commander. “What did you say to her?” Cassandra accused, narrowing her eyes at the Commander.

“Commander Cullen has had no influence on my decision. I’m going,” Tessa said coolly.

She looked at Josephine. “What’s our plan?”


	14. Charmed

Cullen glared down at the messages on his table in his tent. Leliana stood next to him, looking grim as well. 

“Your agents say that the Arl of Redcliffe is not there at all?” Cullen asked, looking up at the spymaster. 

“Yes, and there have been reports of strange things happening in the castle as well.”

The two stood in silence as they contemplated what to do. According to Leliana’s agents, Tranquil mages were disappearing daily from Redcliffe. There were also reports from his scouts and soldiers explaining how strange rifts were forming near Redcliffe as well. 

“I’ll send one of my soldiers to protect any agent you decide to look into it. I’ll send Lynn.”

Leliana nodded, taking the report from Cullen. “Why Lynn?”

“She’s the scrappiest fighter we have, and she won’t go down easily. She’ll blend in with your men.”

Lynn was his best recruit right now and he wouldn’t be surprised if she became a high ranking officer by the end of all of this. He couldn’t think of anyone else better for this type of assignment.

“I’ll trust your judgement, Commander. I’ll send an agent out at once.” Leliana moved to step out of the tent, but then she paused and turned around, crossing her arms. “What was in that letter you gave the Herald? What was so important that she would decide to seek the Templars?”

Cullen inwardly flinched. He had not meant to sway Tessa’s mind with that letter. He had actually hoped it would contain good news and distract her from the frustrating halt the meeting had come to. It had also given him a good excuse to get out of that room as well. It seemed as if he was the only one who truly believed that the Templars could help most days.

“She was concerned about her brother, who is a Templar. I reached out to some of my former associates and tried to discover his location,” he answered. There was no point in lying to Leliana. She would just find out anyway.

The Spymaster hummed in thought. “Ah, and he is at Therinfal Redoubt? Curious.” She paused and smirked at him. “And here I was thinking you convinced her into helping the Templars with your charm.”

Cullen spluttered. “I have never charmed her!”

“I’ll believe that when she stops staring at you,” she teased, finally stepping out of the tent.

Commander Cullen of the Inquisition was not pleased in the least for two reasons: 1. He wished his blighted feelings for Tessa Trevelyan wasn’t so obvious and 2. he knew he could never act on those feelings.

The headache he had right now was proof enough as to why.


	15. Therinfal Redoubt

As much as Tessa could not stand Madame de Fer, she had to appreciate the other woman among all the Orlesian nobles at Therinfal Redoubt.

“Why did you bring fancy knickers along?” Sera growled in her ear on their way to the keep.

“Because she knows how to talk to these people.”

“That’s shite. I thought you didn’t like her.”

“Why do you think I brought you along?” Tessa retorted with a smirk.

Sera let out a long string of giggles. “You want me to annoy her, dontcha?”

Tessa only shrugged, but the grin never left her face.

Sera then proceeded to make raspberry noises all the way to the entrance and both Vivienne and Cassandra wanted to strangle someone.

Tessa had never appreciated the elf more.

They reached the entrance and they were greeted by Ser Barris and were led inside. When the knight mentioned that he was Cullen’s contact, Tessa made a note to thank the man later if she saw her brother.

That is, she would have if things didn’t go downhill.

Tessa had refused to do the Lord Seeker’s ‘test’ at the beginning. She only came to the Templars to find her brother and keep him safe. And if that meant securing an alliance with a group she didn’t entirely agree with, so be it. She knew it was selfish of her, and she knew that the mages needed help as well, but Tessa was optimistic at first. The Inquisition could help the Templars _change_ and grow, and that meant that they could possibly gain the mages’ trust as well.

Tessa was feeling far from optimistic as she ducked behind Cassandra and her shield as one of the monsters spat red lyrium toward her. Tessa sucked in a breath as the shards of lyrium whizzed by her head. It was different from normal lyrium and the song made her head spin and her stomach churn. Maker, how long had the Templars been using it?

Ser Barris was able to lead them through the keep and Tessa couldn’t believe her luck. Then again, why should she think differently after the Conclave? Everything seemed to go wrong when it came to her lately. 

Tessa flinched and stumbled when they entered another wide courtyard. The Lord Seeker’s voice boomed in her ears, making her stumble more. “What did he mean?” she asked aloud.

“Who?” Cassandra asked.

“The Lord Seeker.”

Cassandra gave her a wary look and Sera was looking at her like she was crazy. 

Wonderful.

They finally made it to the courtyard before the last flight of stairs to the main keep and Tessa skidded to a halt when she saw a familiar looking Templar fighting a monster nearby. Tessa hadn’t seen her brother in years. He had trained at the Chantry near Ostwick and she saw him many times before he took his vows, but after that, she only had letters.

She instantly knew this Templar was him even if she couldn’t see his face. The stance, the unique flick of the sword, it all screamed how her grandfather and father taught their brothers how to fight. 

Gavin barely managed to block the monster’s blow, but he was still knocked to the ground due to the force of it.

“Gavin!”

Tactics be damned. Tessa sprinted forward and shot a shard of ice toward the monster. The shard slammed into the monster’s raised arm and it howled in pain. Rage took over Tessa’s every thought and action. The mage slammed the blade end of her staff into the monster’s chest and used it to pull the monster closer. She could hear Iron Bull’s voice in her head as she ducked and weaved. 

_“You’re not tiny, but you are small and fast enough to use close combat to your advantage. No one would expect it. Use that magic shit without the staff and just screw them over up close instead of far away like some mages. At least that’s what we tell our mages in the Qun.”_

With an ice spell still brewing in her palm, Tessa reached forward and pushed her palm to the monster’s face.

The spell caused ice to start to sprout out of the monster instead of red lyrium and it howled in pain. Tessa dislodged her staff blade from its chest and ducked to avoid one of the monster’s flailing limbs before swinging the blade around again.

A sick, squelching sound came from the monster as the blade sliced through its neck. Damn, Iron Bull would have been proud. Tessa had to remind herself to thank him, Cassandra, and anyone else who showed her tips these past few months. 

Tessa’s rage didn’t disappear after defeating the monster, though. She whipped around and glared down at the Templar that was still on the ground, mouth gaping in shock.

“Tessy? What are you doing here? I—“

Tessa growled and pointed the gnarled, club end of her staff in his face. “What. Are. You. Doing. Here?” she spat, poking his breastplate with every word.

“I’ll explain after dealing with all of this shite,” Gavin spat back, accepting Tessa’s now outstretched hand.

Gavin Trevelyan was always considered the best looking out of the Trevelyan boys. His strawberry blond hair was cut to the scalp on the sides and back of his head while the patch on the top of his head was as unruly and wavy as his sister’s hair. His blue eyes narrowed as he stared down his slightly crooked nose at his sister. “I can’t believe you’d put yourself in danger like this!”

“You’re one to talk!” Tessa argued, shoving him a little. “Why aren’t you helping the neutral Circles?! You told me you would do that!”

“Tessy, I—“

“Herald!”

Tessa turned to see Cassandra leading the rest of her group toward them. She saw how Vivienne was trying to heal a queasy looking Sera and guilt slammed into Tessa. She ruined their battle plans by sprinting ahead to save her brother and Sera got hurt because of it.

“Cassandra, I’m sorry. I—“

“I am to presume that this is Ser Trevelyan?” Cassandra interrupted.

Tessa then saw something she thought she would never see on the Seeker’s face. Understanding. 

“Maker’s breath, what could the Lord Seeker be thinking?” Ser Barris exclaimed, catching up with them. 

“I don’t know, but he is going to have a lot to answer for from my commanding officers. He told us that you were all returning to the Chantry,” Gavin snarled, swiping his sword from the ground. 

Ser Barris sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “If only. Nothing that the Lord Seeker has been doing has made sense.”

“We have no time to contemplate it now. First, we must stop him,” Cassandra ordered. Both Templars immediately stood to attention at the Seeker’s words.

Tessa waited until Sera was healed before leading the way up the steps to the main keep. She winced as the Lord Seeker’s voice only continued to get louder in her head. What is going on?!

A negative energy surrounded Tessa as soon as she stepped onto the last flight of stairs.

Demons.

And before Tessa knew it, Lord Seeker Lucius grabbed at her collar and pulled her to him and she was in the Fade...or something similar to it.

Burning bodies surrounded her and she cringed at the sight. It was the Conclave all over again. She squinted through the mist and saw two figures in the distance. She tentatively stepped forward, the sound of her boots echoed in the empty chamber.

As soon as she saw who those figures were, Tessa knew that she had to be on her full guard. Tessa used every ounce of control she learned in the Circle to not show any emotion as what appeared to be Cullen and Josephine stared blankly ahead in front of her. A deep gasp caused her to jump and Leliana stepped from the shadows. “Is this shape useful? Will it let me know you?”

The fake Leliana walked over to Cullen, holding a knife to his throat. “Watch.”

Tessa flinched when the demon cut across Cullen’s throat, but that was mostly because the black ooze spurting from the injury was horrid. 

She remained silent, like she always did when she encountered demons. She always used this tactic with demons she met in her dreams. She found out that the less she said, the sooner she could fend it off. 

The demon then turned into Josephine, taunting her and she managed to school her emotions again. The way the demon’s voiced was laced with the Ambassador’s made Tessa’s skin crawl.

And then the demon turned into Cullen. 

The undertone of the demon’s voice with Cullen’s almost made her sick to the stomach. The way the fake Cullen spoke and stared angrily at her almost made her flinch again. She even jumped when she saw him stab a shadowy version of herself.

_No, this isn’t him. He would never speak to you like that._

The image of Cullen and the other’s disappeared and Tessa moved further into the illusion the demon had her in. She saw many of her memories and she tried to just keep looking forward and to not feel. She didn’t even try to think. The only time she did think was to wonder which demon would try to see how she would react.

To her right, she saw a little girl scream as she watched her grandfather seize in pain from lyrium withdrawal on the floor of his office. On her left, a scared 12 year old was accidentally setting a field on fire. 

Further down, there was a terrified 14 year old apprentice begging a Templar for forgiveness when an ice spell went wrong. She avoided even looking toward the memory from when she was 16. 

Then she saw her memories from when Ostwick fell and that was when she set off in a jog. She saw her friends be cut down again by Templar blades as she ran and she held back the sob that wanted to escape in her throat.

Then she saw the Conclave in the next room.

And even further, Cassandra appeared, questioning her, forcing her to remember how terrified she was at the time.

She saw the burning bodies in the Temple of Sacred Ashes.

Then, the demon showed Gavin almost meeting his end and her almost being too late.

And then it got worse.

The demon was trying to show her what would happen in the future. Demon armies? An Elder One? She tried to piece together the puzzle the demon was presenting her, not stopping to listen to the conversations at all.

Tessa only became more frustrated as she made her way forward, dodging what appeared to be acid spouting from fountains. She entered a room and stared in bewilderment. The furniture was on the walls and the ceiling instead of the floor in this room.

A whoosh warned her of the new spirit, but Tessa couldn’t shake the feeling that she had met this one before. Wait, Compassion. Tessa remembered meeting a spirit of Compassion during her Harrowing. This spirit must have been one like it.

The spirit, or Cole, revealed that the demon was Envy and helped Tessa reach the next part of the illusion. 

Tessa made her way into what looked like a prison, trying to focus on Cole’s voice rather than what was going on around her. Everyone from Mother Giselle to her brother were screaming in the cells. The looks on Josephine and Cullen’s faces were enough to almost make her react. She almost reached out to the broken and betrayed Commander in the prison cell

No, she had to keep moving.

Cole led her to the end of the illusion and she finally faced the demon.

She had to remember to thank Gavin when she was able to head butt the demon and get out of its grasp at last.


	16. Cole

Cullen could do nothing but worry until the group from Therinfal Redoubt returned.

They had received reports from the Herald, Cassandra, and the older members remaining in the Templar Order. An Envy demon? Red lyrium? Lord Seeker Lucius missing?

And he thought Kirkwall was a problem.

His main worry, though, was whether the Herald was alright or not. It is difficult to fight off any demon and the fact that she fought against one of the strongest demons known to the mages and Templars only made him respect her more.

The group finally returned with the older members of the Order and, thankfully, the Inquisition was ready for them. Josephine was able to get the lyrium needed for the Templars and Cullen had spoken to both the Templars and the Mages about the arrival of their new allies. Now, he just had to focus on not thinking about the lyrium that is being passed out everywhere.

Hopefully, all of his questions about Therinfal Redoubt would be answered. At least, he believed they would be as he strode toward the Chantry. He finally made it to the war room and he let out a breath he wasn’t aware that he was holding when he saw Tessa’s familiar braid.

She looked over her shoulder at him and gave him a tired smile. “Commander.”

“Herald.”

Thank the Maker, they were the only two in the room at the moment.

Cullen stepped forward and put a hand on her shoulder. “How are you feeling? When I got to the part about the Envy demon in the reports, I couldn’t help but worry.”

Tessa reached up and Cullen’s stomach flipped when she placed her hand over his on her shoulder. She let out a soft chuckle as she squeezed his fingers. “You really are a mother hen,” she teased.

“I can’t help it.”

“I didn’t say I didn’t like it, Commander.”

Cullen let out his own chuckle, ignoring the way his heart thudded in his chest at her words. “What happened to calling me Cullen?”

“I didn’t know if you were alone or not,” she retorted, grinning.

Despite her light hearted words, Cullen could tell that she was exhausted and he could see the demons lurking around in her eyes and he understood that feeling more than he wanted to.

“Let’s hope this meeting doesn’t take long,” he finally said, gently pulling his hand away.

Tessa suddenly reached out and grabbed his hand before he could let it fall to his side. “Could we go for a ride around the lake tomorrow? I need to do something normal and that’s the most normal thing I can think of.”

Cullen’s heart thudded in his chest. She thought spending time with him was normal? After all she had been through; he supposed she would need something like this. “I’d love to,” he responded, resisting the urge to bring his lips to the back of her hand.

She tilted her head and studied him for a moment. “Are you feeling alright?”

Like he always did when someone noticed his headaches, he lied. “Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”

She opened her mouth to most likely disagree, but the sound of footsteps gave him time to let go of her hand and move toward the other side of the table.

Cassandra stormed in, followed by a stoic Leliana, and a frazzled Josephine.

“Lady Seeker, please,” the Ambassador was saying.

“I can’t believe this.”

Cullen kept glancing at Tessa while they all argued about her choice to ally with the Templars. Tessa was beginning to look more and more frustrated by the moment. “What did you want me to do? I had to think on the spot and we obviously need their help. I couldn’t make the Templars wait while I looked for a messenger bird. Last I checked, the Breach was the big problem here,” she snapped.

Cullen could see the metaphorical hackles on Cassandra and Leliana start to lower. Thank the Maker. They were the angriest about this. Josephine sighed and then said, “Now, let’s move on to other business.”

“When will the rest of the veterans arrive?” Tessa asked, crossing her arms.

A big 'whoosh' swallowed the last of her words and Cullen quickly unsheathed his sword and made his way to Tessa’s side and he was glad to see Cassandra doing the same. He stared at the…he wanted to say demon but this entity was different than the demons he had seen before. It took the form of a young man, but Cullen could sense the Fade all over him thanks to the lyrium still in his body.

“They’re almost here. Templars don’t like to be late,” it said, holding a medallion in its hand.

Cullen moved closer to Tessa almost not hearing her command to wait. He held his left arm in front of her, staring at the could-be threat in front of him.

“I came with you to help. I would have told you before, but you were busy,” it said to Tessa.

“That’s alright, Cole.” She rested a hand on Cullen’s arm, trying to get closer to the thing. Cullen trusted her judgment, but he wasn’t ready to stand down just yet.

Cassandra’s frown grew. “Call the guards. This creature is not what you—“

“No!” Tessa said firmly, holding out her hand to the Seeker. “Let him explain. He’s not a demon, I can assure you.”

“A moment please, Cassandra. I would like to hear why he came,” Leliana said, nodding toward the Herald.

Cole, or whatever Tessa called it, looked back toward the Herald. “You help people. You made them safe and they would have died. I want to do that. I can help.”

Tessa smiled and pushed down on Cullen’s arm again and Cullen let if fall this time. “I’m glad you’re here, Cole. I know you can help.” She looked up at the other Inquisition members. “Cole saved my life at Therinfal. Envy would have taken my place if it wasn’t for him.”

“But what does he want now?” Cassandra asked, glancing between Tessa and Cole.

“I think he really is trying to help,” Tessa answered, meeting the Seeker’s eyes.

“I won’t be in the way. Tiny, no trouble, no notice taken unless you want them to,” Cole said.

Cullen believed Tessa, and he also believed that this was no demon, but he didn’t like the idea of this being just walking through his camp unnoticed. “You’re not honestly suggesting we give him run of the camp?” he asked, looking toward Tessa.

Josephine shakily tucked some hair behind her ear. She was still shaken by Cole’s sudden arrival. “Not freely, perhaps, but it seems a waste to—Hold on!”

Cole, in the meantime, had vanished.

“Where did he go?” Josephine asked, looking around.

Cullen didn’t miss the small, amused grin on Tessa’s lips. “It’s a good trick. You get used to it.”

“We’ll have to see if he can teach some of our soldiers,” Leliana joked.

Sighing, Cullen sheathed his sword. “He’s definitely not a demon, I’m sure you could even see that Cassandra.”

Cassandra wasn’t pleased in the least. “It makes me nervous, Herald.”

Tessa sighed and pinched her brow. “I’ve been thinking about it myself. He reminded me of a spirit that bothered to speak to me during my Harrowing. I was going to ask Solas what he thought. He would probably know more than I would.”

A tense silence settled over them all and Josephine broke it. “Well, I need to prepare for the veterans that are coming. Excuse me.”

The Ambassador primly gathered up her things and walked out the door, followed closely by Leliana. “I’ll have a mage watch other him, Cassandra,” the spymaster said before she left.

Cassandra let out a grunt of disgust. “The things I see with you people,” she grumbled. She gave Tessa a smirk. “Then again, I should expect nothing less from you.”

Tessa, to Cullen’s surprise, smiled back. “What would my life be if I wasn’t causing you grief, Cassandra?”

Cassandra snorted. “Boring.”

Tessa chuckled as the Seeker sheathed her sword and walked out of the room as well.

The Herald looked up at Cullen as Cassandra shut the door. “You sense him, don’t you?” she asked, gesturing to the other side of the room.

Cullen nodded, narrowing his eyes at the spot she gestured to.

“I’m glad you understood. I know Cassandra knew he wasn’t a demon but she just doesn’t want to admit it,” Tessa huffed.

“How did he help you?” Cullen asked, looking away from where Cole was probably standing.

Tessa’s face fell. “I never would have discovered how to escape the Envy demon without him. I knew how to guard myself against other demons, but Envy is rarely seen so we didn’t learn about it.”

“Well, in that case,” Cullen finally said, resting his hands on the pommel of his sword, “we should be thanking him.” He glanced toward the door with a smirk. “Since when did you and Cassandra get along?”

Tessa rolled her eyes and started to walk toward the door herself. “I honestly don’t know. It just happened. She’s the meanest friend I’ve ever had.”

Cullen barked out a laugh as he hurried forward and held open the door for her. “That’s an understatement.”

A soft laugh escaped from Tessa and the sound sent shivers down Cullen’s spine. “Still, she is a loyal friend. We have our differences, but I think our common goal gets past that.”

They silently made their way to her cabin and she looked up at him with a smile. “Thank you, Cullen. What time would be best to go out tomorrow?”

Cullen hummed in thought. “I believe in the morning before breakfast, if you won’t mind rising that early. With the veterans coming and—“

Tessa let out another soft laugh. “I understand. And I don’t mind. I like mornings, unlike most people.”

Cullen rubbed the back of his head. “Well, I shall see you in the morning then, Tessa.”

She grinned at him and turned to step into her cabin.

Cullen couldn’t hold back his own grin as he turned and started to walk toward the camp again. The Templars that arrived with Tessa and her group should have been there and he was eager to see if he knew any of them.

He knew many of the lieutenants that arrived with the Herald and he was pleased to see that they weren’t corrupted.

There was one that kept glaring at him, though.

The Knight was younger than most of the men there and he didn’t seem to fit in among all of the weathered Templars.

“Who is that?” Cullen asked.

The knight he was talking to, a woman he had served with at Kinloch, furrowed her brow. “That’s Trevelyan, he was next in line for Knight-Captain in Ferelden.”

Ah, so this was Tessa’s brother.

The man in question suddenly strode over to him and clasped his hands behind his back when he was face to face with the Commander. “A word, if you please, Commander? My name is Ser Gavin Trevelyan.”

The other knight rolled her eyes and stepped away, grumbling under her breath.

“What do you need?” Cullen asked, resting his hands on the pommel at his side.

“I wanted to know if some rumors around here were true or not.”

Cullen furrowed his brow with a frown. “What rumors?”

“You and the Herald of Andraste. I’ve heard many things and we haven’t even been here for three hours,” Trevelyan snapped.

Cullen instantly saw the likeness between this young man and Tessa. The strawberry blond hair and the quick tongue was a giveaway. Trevelyan’s eyes were also blue, but they lacked the unique hue Tessa’s had.

“What have you heard?” Cullen asked, stiffening. People talk about him and Tessa?

“What are you playing at with her?”

“We’re friends and I’m her military advisor,” Cullen answered sternly, not appreciating the accusing glare the younger soldier was giving him.

Trevelyan’s hard stare held for many moments before he finally relaxed. “Forgive me, Commander. I haven’t had the chance to play protective big brother in years. You just happened to be my first target.” He glared toward Iron Bull. “That qunari is next on my list. I’ve heard that he likes redheads too much.”

Cullen arched a brow. “Get on his blind side,” he advised, clasping his hands behind his back. “And you’re forgiven; I was that way myself once.” His younger sister and brother’s faces flashed in his mind and he chided himself for forgetting to write to his siblings.

Trevelyan huffed out a laugh before his face fell. “I heard about you…I mean at Kinloch. They use what happened during the Blight to keep us vigilant, so to speak.”

“Do they now?” Cullen replied, trying to keep the memories that were starting to bubble up from surfacing.

Trevelyan sighed and ran his gloved fingers through his hair. “I guess what I’m asking is if they were true or not? I understand if you don’t want to talk about it. I don’t think I’ll be talking about Therinfal anytime soon.”

Cullen then remembered Tessa saying she doubted her brother would join the Templars at Therinfal. “Why were you there? The Herald was certain you would have remained neutral.”

Trevelyan frowned. “Well, we were told that the Templars were going to return to the Chantry and they needed all of us there. We also were low on lyrium so we were desperate. They sent us right away and a small group stayed with the neutral mages. It was hard, since we couldn’t stay at the tower in Ferelden anymore.”

“Would these remaining Templars and mages be interested in helping the Inquisition?”

“I don’t see why they wouldn’t. The Inquisition gave the Templars mercy when we didn’t deserve it. Maybe the others could see that this is our chance to not make things shite again when this is all over.” Trevelyan looked up at the Breach. His expression hardened more. “I can’t believe Tessy survived that. I was terrified when I learned of the Conclave. I knew she was supposed to be there and—“

The young man stopped and gulped heavily. He took a deep breath and looked toward Cullen again. “Again, I apologize, Commander. I—“

“You were frightened for her and you want her safe. Believe me when I tell you that our interests are aligned in that sense,” Cullen interrupted, waving the apology off. There was no point in getting upset with Trevelyan now.

Trevelyan let out a deep breath. “Good day, Commander. And would it be too bold to ask where the Herald is staying in Haven?” Trevelyan asked, saluting to the former Templar.

Cullen told him where Tessa was staying and he watched as the young man loped off toward the village. He couldn’t stop the amused grin from coming to his lips when he thought about the nickname Trevelyan used for his sister. The inner pessimist was telling him to not care and to stop thinking about the Herald that way, but that voice was becoming softer by the day.

Tessy, huh? Cullen was definitely going to have to ask her about that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I the only one that loves how Cullen and Cassandra leap to protect the Herald from Cole?


	17. The Elder One

Tessa wanted to shock Gavin with a particularly large lightning bolt.

During their ride around the lake the other day, the Commander had called her Tessy with a grin that was too mischievous to be innocent. She always hated the nickname her family gave her and the last thing she wanted was Cullen calling her that.

Unfortunately, she couldn’t fry her brother today, because he was needed along with the other Templars for the assault on the Breach.

Tessa was surprisingly calm as she stared up at the sky.

“Are you ready?”

Tessa looked to see Cullen striding toward her. Maker, she had been in even more trouble ever since she returned from Therinfal. Seeing that horrible reality that could have happened made her realize how much she came to care for everyone in the Inquisition. It only made her more determined to never see it happen. It also made her realize just how much Cullen affected her. 

“As I’ll ever be,” she finally replied, tightening her grip on her staff.

Cullen’s heavy hand rested on her shoulder. “You will succeed.”

That simple statement was oddly comforting to her; she didn’t know whether it was because he said it or because of the blatant faith behind the statement.

Her heart started to do its now-familiar fluttering when he was near. She almost welcomed the feeling now, despite the fact she knew that this feeling could never be acted upon.

“I will.”

And she did.

Every mage and Templar in Haven and the veterans from the Order were enough to seal the Breach. Tessa’s whole arm felt as if it was on fire and her body felt like it was weighed down with lead, but she couldn’t help but feel relief when she looked up toward where the hole was in the sky.

Haven was more festive than anything Tessa had ever seen after the Breach was closed.

She did not join in the celebration. Closing the Breach had honestly taken too much out of her to join. So, she was happy to just sit on the sidelines and watch everyone else.

Sera and Blackwall were having a drinking contest and Iron Bull was beating all of the soldiers at arm wrestling.

Cole had popped up next to her at some point and he started to speak in his cryptic way. "The noise is too loud. It is everywhere and he can’t escape. Just one sip. One to take away the pain. Loud. Starving.”

Tessa stared at him quizzically. “Wha—“

Cole had already disappeared before she could get a word in.

Many had come up to her to congratulate the Inquisition and her success, and she was glad they saw that she wanted to be alone.

She saw glimpses of Cullen. He would occasionally show in the crowd. He wasn’t celebrating like the rest. 

Cassandra finally made her way toward her and the two women talked of their small victory. Tessa was honestly glad she and the Seeker were on better terms now.

Everything was well…until the bells rang.

Again, with Tessa’s luck, things went wrong fast.

An enemy with no banner was marching toward Haven.

Fortunately, a Tevinter mage named Dorian Pavus was able to tell them who it was along with two of the Inquisition’s soldiers.

Tessa stared up at the bluff, seeing the tall, misshapen form of the Elder One and the woman standing beside him. The Venatori troops kept marching toward them.

“Cullen, give me a plan. Anything!” she pleaded, looking toward the Commander.

Cullen grit his teeth before turning to the army behind him and shouting orders.

And the attack on Haven began.

Tessa, Sera, Iron Bull, Solas, Vivienne, and Cassandra were able to defend the trebuchets long enough for them to fire, burying most of the army in landslides.

Then the dragon appeared.

“Oh piss, balls, and shit!” Sera hissed as the dragon screeched again.

“Took the words from my mouth,” Tessa agreed with a shaky voice.

Cassandra and Bull managed to push the startled elf and Tessa back toward the main gate of Haven and they raced toward the Chantry. Tessa tried to not look toward all of the dead bodies of the soldiers around her. 

It didn’t take long for her to try to do something about it. She broke away from Cassandra’s strong grip and raced toward an Inquisition soldier that was being attacked by Venatori.

Then she raced toward the tavern and the apothecary when she heard cries for help. Tessa was going to sprint toward the other side of Haven, but Iron Bull stopped her by literally throwing her over his shoulder.

“You can’t save any more, Boss! We need to head in!”

Tessa knew he was right, but she couldn’t stand being safe in the Chantry while people were suffering.

Bull set her down on the floor when they made it into the sanctuary of the Chantry. Cullen immediately found them and explained the situation. To be frank, it was not good and Tessa knew it was bad when Cullen couldn’t see a way out.

Tessa bit her lip as the Commander and Dorian argued about what to do. Chancellor Roderick’s voice entered the conversation and Tessa only paid attention to the possibility of the escape route he spoke of.

The Elder One wanted her. And if anyone had a chance to escape, she would have to give herself up, or they bury themselves here.

“Cullen,” she said quietly, ending the argument between the two men. “Can you get everyone out if I create a big enough distraction?”

“Of course, but what of your escape?” There was fear in his voice, and Tessa couldn’t face him. Not now.

She didn’t have time to mourn what could have been.

Cullen turned and barked orders to more soldiers.

Tessa turned to go with them, but a firm grip on her upper arm stopped her. Now, she was forced to look up at him. Their gazes met and Tessa’s heart dropped in sadness. This was the last time she was going to see him. This was the last time she would see anyone she cared for.

Cullen was talking, but she barely heard a word he said. An unnameable emotion was flitting through his eyes, almost convincing her to stay.

Without thinking, she stood on the tips of her toes and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “We’ll go for a ride when I get out of this, okay?”

She knew the words weren’t true, but the fake promise helped a little.

Pain flashed through his eyes and she watched his throat bob as he gulped. “Of course,” he whispered.

Tessa finally pulled away and stepped out the Chantry doors to her fate.


	18. Snow

The Commander was freezing his arse off, but that pain was nothing compared to the worry and ache that was left behind after Tessa walked out of the Chantry and seeing the ruins of Haven below.

He had only felt helplessness as he watched her stare down an archdemon from the mountain side. He saw the trebuchet launch and felt the rumble of the landslide.

No one could survive that, many had said.

Cullen dared to hope, despite the fact the odds were stacked against him.

She couldn’t be gone. Not after all she did.

The Inquisition stopped and camped in a small sheltered area of the mountain, but they would have to move on again come daybreak.

Cole would occasionally pop in and then disappear again while Cullen stood out in the cold, staring down the mountain. The wind gripped it’s invisible, icy fingers into the cloak he pulled on and it threatened to tug it away. Cullen sighed, rubbing at his temples. Ever since the Templars arrived, his withdrawal was getting worse. He knew it was because there was more lyrium around. Every time he saw a glimpse of bright blue, his stomach would clench, his mouth would water, his blood would sing. Another gust of air forced Cullen out of his thoughts. 

Maker, what was he going to do? 

Heavy footsteps caused him to glance over his shoulder. It was Gavin Trevelyan. “The Lady Seeker basically had to threaten me to make me come get you. I would be watching too if my commanding officer wasn’t an arse.”

Cullen stared at the young Knight in mild surprise. 

Gavin gave him a sad smile. “Tessy was always full of surprises…I wish I could have been with her.”

Cullen then noticed how red and bloodshot the young Templar’s eyes were and he looked ten years older than he probably was. 

The two men stood in silence, staring out into the cold night.

A whoosh of air warned Cullen of Cole’s arrival and this time, he began to talk. “Cold, cold, cold. Maker, I’ve never been this cold. No magic left. Hand hurts like lightning spell gone wrong. I need to see them again. I need to see him again. Should have told him. Maker, please let me live.”

The phrase about lightning spells pulled Cullen out of his focused watch on the mountain. Tessa and Solas had told the Inner Circle about their idea that Cole’s cryptic phrases were usually on a person’s mind. He whipped around and stared at Cole. “Where is she, Cole?”

Cole looked up and for once the milky blue of the boy’s eyes didn’t faze Cullen. He pointed down the mountain. “I see him. I see them both. Heart fluttering. They’re safe.”

Cullen quickly looked and squinted. A tiny figure was in the distance, barely moving through the snow, and Cullen’s heart leapt to his throat when he recognized the shape.

“There! It’s her!”

He began to sprint forward in the snow, not caring how damp his clothes started to become as he plowed his way through to her.

Tessa fell to her knees right as he approached and he quickly surged forward to catch her before she fell to the snow. Dried blood covered half of her face and her left shoulder was at an awkward angle and Cullen could tell it was dislocated. Her lips were turning blue and he had never seen her look so pale. Snow was caked in her hair and on her clothes and she was shivering violently.

Her violet eyes fluttered open as he wrapped his extra cloak around her. Her dainty hands reached out and Cullen’s heart thudded when her fingertips gently traced both sides of his jaw. “Hello,” she managed to rasp out, giving him a small smile.

“I got you. You’re safe now,” Cullen said, gently hooking his arms behind her knees and back. He picked her up and began to make his way back to the camp as quickly as possible.

To his surprise, Cassandra had been right behind him with Trevelyan on her heels. Trevelyan stared at his sister. “Is she—“

“Go get Solas, Madame de Fer and any other healer. Get Mother Giselle as well.”

Trevelyan started to sprint back toward the camp as fast as his heavy armor would allow.

Cassandra stayed next to Cullen. “Thank the Maker,” she breathed, sighing in relief.

Cullen focused on trying to make his way toward the camp as gently as he could. Tessa would occasionally let out a whimper of pain and each one felt like a punch to his stomach. He should have been there. She shouldn’t have gone through what just happened alone.

At that moment, Cullen swore to never put the Herald in that sort of danger ever again.

Tessa’s fingers were now tugging at his cloak and she was burying her face into the fur around his shoulders. “Cull—“

“Shh, your brother is getting Solas and Vivienne. You’ll be fine.” He didn’t know if he was saying that more to himself or her. Maker, he was just glad she was alive.

“I,” she gulped and tried again, “I don’t think I can follow through on my promise for a while.” She was teasing and lighthearted, even in the state she was in. Maker, this woman was something else.

“I forgive you,” he managed to whisper back with a grin.

Vivienne ushered him into the healer’s tents and she, Solas, Mother Giselle, and another mage got to work. Solas and Vivienne had to shove him out of the tent. Cullen looked to see Trevelyan lingering as well. “Watch the tent and I want to be the first to know if anything changes. And tell me when they’re done. Who’s your commanding officer?”

Trevelyan blinked in shock before gratitude filled his eyes as he told Cullen who his officer was.

Cullen marched toward the part of the camp the Templars were staying in and he dealt with the officer. He wasn’t going to trust anyone but the Herald’s own brother to watch over the tent she was in.

And now, the wait began.


	19. Everything yet Nothing

The march north was infuriating. Tessa hated being in the lead, it didn’t help that her shoulder still hurt from being set back into place. It turned out that she had three broken ribs, multiple bruises, and many cuts to accompany that injury.

It was a miracle she only had those injuries to deal with.

It was their third day on the road and Tessa hoped that this place Solas spoke of was close. She didn’t know if she or the refugees could take another day or two.

The Inquisition was camped for the night and Tessa had decided to spend more time with Clover. Between her brother, Cassandra, and other members of the Inquisition, she didn’t know who annoyed her more with their worrying. And, ever since the whole camp sang the hymn at her feet, she had only felt more awkward.

Clover was tethered near her tent and Tessa started to braid the mare’s mane. Clover arched her neck around and lipped at Tessa’s sleeve. “Sorry dear, no treats yet.”

Clover huffed and faced forward again.

A squeal of laughter caused Tessa to look over her shoulder when she was halfway through Clover’s mane. Surprisingly, the laughter was coming from two little girls and they were hiding behind the legs of Phillip, Cullen’s horse, who was tethered near the Commander’s tent.

The reason for their laughter was unknown and Tessa was now too curious not to investigate.

She slowly walked around and she had to cover her mouth to keep her own giggles in.

Cullen was sitting outside his tent, occasionally looking up from the sword he was polishing. Fake confusion was settled on his face and she could tell he was trying not to smirk.

“Swore I heard something,” he said loudly, glancing down toward the tiny legs that were not hidden behind the huge gelding that well.

Tessa perched herself on a barrel, taking in the sight in front of her. The two girls could hardly be ten and Tessa swore she had seen them around Haven at some point. _They must be one of the soldier’s daughters._

Cullen looked up and Tessa’s heart leapt when his trademark smirk was aimed at her. Maker, did she mention that attractive scars should be illegal?

“Herald, I think our camp is being infiltrated. I keep hearing something but I can’t quite place the source.”

Tessa shrugged from her spot on the barrel. “Hm…do you think Corypheus found us?”

Cullen set his sword to the side and crossed his arms. “I don’t know, Maker help us if he did.”

The giggling from behind Phillip only got louder and Tessa couldn’t hold back a giggle of her own. She hopped down from her perch and walked over to him. “Don’t worry, Commander. I can protect you.”

A laugh escaped from him. “I have no doubt about that.” He cocked his head toward Phillip and Tessa glanced toward the horse and she couldn’t stop the bubbly feeling from rising up in her chest, despite all that had happened recently. The girls were now peeking from behind Phillip’s front legs, giggling away.

“Did you hear that, Herald?”

Tessa smirked at him and cocked her head. “I believe I did, Commander. I think there are two spies behind your horse!”

The girls squealed with laughter and sprinted away from the two adults toward where the rest of the refugees were camping.

Tessa couldn’t stop laughing herself. “Is that normal for you?” she asked, tilting her head as she smirked at him.

Cullen shrugged, causing the fur on his shoulders to shift as he stood. “They did that at Haven occasionally. Their father is one of the lieutenants.”

The Herald began to imagine the same thing happening at Haven and she wondered why she never witnessed it before.

“How are you feeling? I know this trip couldn’t be easy after what you’ve—“

Tessa quickly held up a hand. “Cullen, if I have to answer that question one more time I’m going to electrocute something.”

He stared at her for a moment before he let out a bark of laughter. “We don’t want that, do we?”

“No, we don’t.”

Sighing, he rubbed the back of his neck. “Then we shall speak of something else, my Lady.”

Tessa suddenly realized that she didn’t know what else she wanted to talk about. There was too much to say and yet nothing at all. She wanted to tell him how scared she was for him and everyone else. To tell him how happy she was to see him first in the snow. But she couldn’t say that right now. Gavin had told her about how he sat by her side while she was unconscious and her heart fluttered whenever she thought about it. 

Maker, she wanted to ask him about it, but now didn’t seem to be the right time.

Then, she saw Gavin walking along with the Ambassador nearby and she remembered something. Her brows pinched as she looked at her brother. “Gavin told me he spoke to you at Haven when we returned from Therinfal. What did you two speak about?”

His eyes widened almost comically and he started to rub the back of his head again. “Maker’s breath,” he groaned.

Tessa’s brows pinched more. “What did he say to you?”

The Commander was officially flustered…more flustered than he was when she asked about celibacy vows. “He wanted to address some rumors he heard about…you and I. I had to tell him that the rumors were just that, rumors.”

Tessa frowned, crossing her arms. “What rumors?”

The Commander’s cheeks were now pink and Tessa’s could feel her own cheeks starting to heat up.

“Oh Maker, he asked if we were in a relationship?!”

Tessa was going to _kill_ Gavin. She knew about the rumors, most of her friends in the Inner Circle teased her about Cullen all the time. That only made the fact that a relationship with the Commander was impossible worse. A woman could dream, though. Despite that, she truly valued her friendship with the former Templar and she didn’t need her brother ruining it for her.

Cullen, meanwhile, was looking more and more flustered as the mage started to quietly fume in anger. “I mean—he was rude at first but then—“

The poor Commander never got to finish his statement because the Herald was already marching over to her brother and Cullen watched in fascination and horror as Tessa easily grabbed the man’s ear and started to drag him off toward a more secluded area of the camp.

Cullen forgot how much power little sisters had and he made a note to send a letter to his own immediately.


	20. It was close

Skyhold was more than Cullen could have ever asked for in a fortress. It needed work, yes, but it had the bones to be something fortifiable and he could see the Inquisition growing here.

Speaking of the Inquisition growing, he looked up toward where he saw Tessa and Blackwall speaking on the battlements. The Grey Warden was pointing toward different spots on the walls and Tessa was nodding.

Ever since Tessa became the Inquisitor, morale had risen considerably among the troops, not to mention the Inner Circle. Cullen could see the Inquisition going far now and he knew they could stop Corypheus with Tessa’s leadership.

More of his scouts and soldiers approached him, causing him to look away from the Inquisitor and focus on the task at hand. He spent most of his morning going over scout reports and requisition suggestions for the repairs on the keep.

His top two soldiers, Lynn and Joanna (or Jo), were in charge of overseeing the repairs. The two women were inseparable and they were the best working team Cullen had ever witnessed in a group of soldiers. The groups of workers at Skyhold were already working as quickly as they could under their supervision and things couldn’t have been going better.

The two women were standing next to his table, waiting for their next orders. Cullen was glad they were able to bounce back and take charge even after their commanding officers died in Haven. 

“Send men to scout the area. We need to know what’s out there,” Cullen ordered, marking a spot on the map.

“Yes, Ser!” Jo quickly replied, thumping her chest before both she and Lynn hurried to do their job.

Then Jim arrived with another message. “Commander, soldiers have been assigned temporary quarters.”

Jim had finally become a soldier and Cullen couldn’t put him out in the field in good conscience. The lad meant well but he lacked confidence and he blustered through everything. Tessa offered a perfect solution to this problem one day at Haven.

_“Just have him play as your messenger or something. I see you running around everywhere trying to get things done, just have him do it. He’ll think more of himself when he sees how he helps.”_

_She’s one to talk_ , Cullen thought, thinking about how Tessa had done nothing but personally run around Skyhold instead of sending messengers in her stead.

Jim became Cullen’s messenger between his lieutenants and the other advisers of the Inquisition. He was getting better…slowly. It helped that Lynn and Jo acted like mother hens around him. They defended the poor boy from everyone but Cullen. Cullen literally saw them gang up on a poor soldier for giving Jim a hard time one morning. 

“Very good. I’ll need an update on the armory as well,” Cullen ordered, looking back down at the map.

A scratching sound made Cullen look up again and he frowned when he saw Jim still standing there. “Now!”

Jim scurried off to do his job, leaving the fuming Commander at the table.

Cullen sighed, pinching at the bridge of his nose. Ever since the hike through the mountains, his lyrium withdrawals have been getting worse by the day. At Haven, it was just headaches and there were some days when he felt he could barely move because of the pain. But now, the headaches were more common and Cullen noticed that his hands were starting to shake if he stayed still for too long. It didn’t help that Templars with lyrium were simply _everywhere_.

Maker, he _had_ to get through this. He couldn’t imagine giving up his position. He would _not_ give into—

“Do you ever sleep?”

Tessa’s voice pulled the Commander from his thoughts and he looked to see the Inquisitor’s teasing grin.

Cullen rolled his eyes and told Tessa of the updates on the keep and what the army was able to accomplish in the past week.

“You never answered my question, and good work Commander,” she reminded, leaning her hip against the table.

“If Corypheus strikes again, we may not be able to withdraw…and I wouldn’t want to. We must be ready,” Cullen answered, resting his hands on the table. “We will not run from here, Inquisitor.”

It was Tessa’s turn to roll her eyes. “Inquisitor Trevelyan, it sounds odd, don’t you think?”

“Not at all.”

“Is that the official response?” she laughed.

Cullen let out a laugh as well. “I suppose it is. But it’s the truth.” He stood up straight and he saw her incredulous smile as she shook her head. Surely she knew what she meant to the Inquisition…to him. “We needed a leader; you have proven yourself.”

Tessa looked down bashfully and Cullen’s heart started to thud in his chest. “Thank you, Cullen.”

Cullen smiled back when their gazes met again and Tessa bit her lip before saying, “Our escape from Haven…It was close.” She paused and clasped her hands behind her. “I’m relieved that you—that so many made it out.”

She may have tried to cover her slip up, but Cullen noticed. Oh Maker, if only he could tell her how much he felt the same...maybe even more.

“As am I,” w as all he could say. He couldn’t tell her, not with their titles. They had too much depending on them. They had…

She stared up at him and Cullen thought the way her cheeks slowly turned pink was endearing. An awkward silence then started to form and Tessa turned to make her leave.

No, Cullen had to say _something_.

Without thinking, he reached forward and gently grabbed her arm like he did at Haven. “You stayed behind. You could have—“ He paused and regained his composure before continuing, “I will not allow the events of Haven to happen again. You have my word.”

He hoped she could see that he meant every word he said. Hoped she could see that he was not going to rest until this threat was gone.

Tessa’s surprised look slowly turned into soft grin. “I know.”

Maker’s breath, what was he going to do?


	21. Books

“He’s staring again,” Iron Bull commented.

Tessa looked up from the message Josephine sent her, arching a confused brow at Iron Bull. The qunari had been showing her more hand-to-hand combat tricks, in case she ever had her staff taken away from her, and they decided to take a break when the messenger for Josephine came.

Gavin was also helping her train and he was glaring toward the other side of the practice ring toward the tavern. 

“He stares too much if you ask me,” he grumbled, taking a drink from his waterskin.

Tessa followed her brother’s line of sight and her cheeks started to heat up when she saw Cullen standing with some of his soldiers. She huffed and smacked the message down on the bench they were all sitting on. “Will you quit it?! I’m not some wilting flower you need to protect!”

“I caught him looking at your arse one day. And, like I said, he stares too much,” the Templar grumbled, ignoring Tessa’s complaint.

Tessa huffed and stood up from her spot on the bench. She linked her fingers together and lifted them above her head to stretch. 

“Keep doing that, Boss.”

The Inquisitor lowered her arms and gave Bull a confused look. “Why?”

“Because it makes your tits look great. And he was staring again. Keep doing that and he might just have to make a move.”

Tessa crossed her arms, arching an unamused brow at Bull. Gavin looked like he was about to kill the qunari. “What makes you think he was staring at me? He can’t see much from up there.”

“Men don’t have to be up close to imagine.”

“Will you both stop talking about this?!” Gavin seethed, standing up and grabbing his sword and shield.

Bull shrugged and stood to stretch himself. “Ready to go again, Boss?”

They practiced a while longer before Tessa made her way up to Varric. She didn’t bother getting cleaned up yet. She had some time before she had to be at the war room and she knew Varric wouldn’t care if she was a little sweaty and dirty.

“Varric! You said you had another lead on red lyrium mines? And when is this contact of yours supposed to arrive?” she asked, leaning forward to rest her hands on the table. 

The dwarf set his quill down and pulled some letters out of his pocket. “Yeah, there’s more than we anticipated too. It’s going to be a bitch to find them all and destroy the lyrium there. And don’t worry, she’ll be here soon.”

The Inquisitor hummed in thought as she read the letters. She saw what red lyrium did to the Templars at Therinfal Redoubt and she heard enough horror stories from Varric. She was determined to use the Inquisition’s resources to destroy as much of the stuff as they could.

Unfortunately, Tessa could only think about what Iron Bull mentioned at the moment. She glanced down at Varric, remembering that he seemed to notice _everything_. “Varric, can I ask you an honest question?”

“Sure, I can’t guarantee an honest answer.”

Tessa sat down across from him and glanced around to make sure no one was near the table. She leaned closer to him. “Iron Bull says that the Commander stares at me frequently. Is this true?”

The biggest grin suddenly came to the dwarf’s face. “I tried telling you this in Haven, but you wouldn’t listen. Curly has a crush on you. Why did Tiny tell you this, if I may ask?”

Tessa pouted a little, drumming her fingertips on the top of the table. Varric had told her that Cullen liked her many times, but she assumed he was joking. Then again, Josephine told her the same thing. “Cullen was apparently staring at me while Iron Bull and I were practicing one-on-one combat.”

“He stares at you when you’re doing anything,” Varric laughed. He glanced toward the door leading to the war room. “Like now.”

Tessa turned her head toward where her throne sat so she could look out of the corner of her eye. Sure enough, Cullen was standing near the door leading to that hallway, talking to Captain Rylen. 

She turned back to Varric. “No he’s not. He’s working with--”

“You didn’t see him 10 seconds ago.”

Tessa bit her lip and glanced over toward Cullen again. She had accepted the fact that she had a crush on the Commander since the moment she met him, but she had hoped that it would go away as their friendship grew. 

The opposite seemed to happen, which was not good at all.

The Inquisitor tried to remember all of the little annoying things Cullen did. Like how his office and his space at the war table was a mess. Or how he would seem to forget to call her by her name constantly when they were alone. Or how he always did more than what was needed for _anything_. She also remembered their conversation about Kirkwall when she was upset at some point in Haven. He had let horrible things happen while he was there and he admitted to doing so, with much guilt.

She inwardly groaned when she realized that all of these things were irrelevant in the end. 

None of those things, not even the last thing, made the idea of being with him less appealing. They obviously had a good friendship and Tessa found herself wanting to take the next step further every time they were alone.

But she couldn’t do that. 

The reminder that she was a mage and he used to be a Templar would smash that idea to pieces whenever she thought of it. It was enough to keep her quiet and not say how she was truly beginning to feel. She couldn’t be with someone who could never fully trust her. _And Maker knows how you would react to...intimate things_ , a snide voice reminded in her head. 

“Books.”

Tessa whipped her head around and gave Varric a confused look. “What?”

“Your nickname. I notice that you hide in the library a lot now. And I always catch you with one somewhere around here,” Varric explained with a triumphant grin. 

All thoughts of Cullen aside, Tessa smiled. “I like that one. Much better than Red or Glowy.”

“Thought you would like it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the nickname finally appears


	22. Not in Kirkwall

The Commander of the Inquisition was livid.

“You’re telling me,” he growled, crossing his arms, “that the recently repaired wall of the barracks was destroyed because you two couldn’t act your age?!”

The mage Apprentice and the Templar Initiate in front of him both flinched as he glared down at them. The Enchanter and Templar Captain nearby looked furious as well. More and more neutral mages and Templars were flocking to Skyhold now and the Apprentice and Initiate were part of the newest group that came. 

Cullen gestured to the ruined wall of the barracks. Spikes of ice were jutting out at awkward angles. 

The Apprentice, a baby faced blonde girl, looked like she was about to cry. “We weren’t fighting for real! He wanted to practice blocking spells and I needed to work on--”

“It was my idea Ser!” the Initiate suddenly piped up, trying to look brave. 

Cullen stared at the two for many moments. “And you thought it would be a good idea to practice those things near other people?” he asked, forcing himself to remain calm. He had to remind himself that he had his dumb ideas as an Initiate too. These two didn’t look older than 16.

“What’s going on?”

Cullen’s back instantly straightened and he turned to see the Inquisitor approaching the group. He clasped his hands behind his back and tried to keep his irritation at bay as he told her what the situation was. The two teenagers in front of him looked terrified when they realized who just walked up.

Tessa looked at the damage that was done and she waved her hand toward the spikes of ice. Cullen could feel the pull of her magic as she made the ice disappear. Cullen had developed a theory about how each mage’s magic energy had a unique feeling over the years. 

First Enchanter Irving in Ferelden’s Circle had an energy that was crisp and it felt like a cool breeze whenever he cast a spell. 

Orsino’s energy felt like the opposite, feeling like a wave of heat and anger. 

Tessa’s was different from any he had encountered. It was calm yet powerful at the same time. He could feel the control she had and her magic and it also felt warm. It gave Cullen a feeling he had not felt in years. It felt safe. The last mage who made him feel that way when she cast was the one that traveled with the Hero of Ferelden. 

It was a relief to know that Tessa had the same qualities Wynne did with her magic. 

“We’re sorry for the inconvenience. We will be sure they are dealt with properly, Lady Inquisitor,” the Enchanter was saying, glaring at his student.

Tessa shook her head. “They don’t deserve a severe punishment. They had a good idea; they just didn’t think it through.”

Cullen glanced at her, wondering what she was up to.

She looked at the teenagers with a kind grin. “You just wanted to help your sister, didn’t you?”

Cullen felt stupid. Both of them looked exactly the same and that was when he realized the kids standing in front of him were siblings.

The Initiate nodded his head, looking more embarrassed by the minute.

“Well, the Commander and I are going to let your mentors handle this now. I actually came over here to steal him away for a moment. Enchanter, Knight-Captain,” she nodded respectfully toward the older mage and Templar and beckoned to Cullen as she walked away. 

Cullen said goodbye as well and he followed the Inquisitor. “I’m an idiot,” he admitted, rubbing the back of his head.

“How so?”

“I didn’t see that they were siblings. I was so angry about them endangering others that I didn’t bother to stop and notice.”

Tessa grinned and shook her head. “You were just looking out for everyone. You had a right to be angry and I am glad you were the one taking care of it instead of a Templar captain. Besides, I already knew they were siblings.”

“How?”

“I saw them bickering the other day and I overheard their conversation in the practice ring. I was oddly reminded of myself and Gavin,” she explained, grin widening.

“Then why were they practicing by the barracks today?”

“I imagine they got scolded for practicing in public. Its things like that situation that caused the tension between Templars and mages in the first place. Why can’t mages and Templars help each other? How else would they understand each other? It’s so simple yet people are so frightened of the idea of the two groups actually working together.”

Cullen nodded. He, Cassandra, and the Inquisitor had been speaking of what changes would need to be made if the Circles were going to be reformed at all and that was one of the problems that kept arising in their debates.

“What would you say if I made that tower over there a place for mages to study? Templars would be in there of course, but it could let us see if our ideas could work and it would let the mages know that we aren’t dismissing them.”

Cullen halted at his makeshift desk near the stairs and he looked up at the said tower. He honestly thought it was a good idea, but he knew the Templars wouldn’t like it. But, then again, change wasn’t supposed to make everyone comfortable.

And, she was right. The mages that have sided with the Inquisition have already approached the Inquisitor and her advisers about the subject. They felt that they were being ignored and dismissed ever since the Templars became allies with the Inquisition and that made them uncomfortable. 

Since then, they all were trying to think of ways to fix that problem.

“Just think, the mages could learn and practice magic and do research for us if we need them to and we could introduce the Templars to new ways to help them. I noticed that the stronger mages were the ones who didn’t fear the Templars and had trust in themselves as well,” Tessa continued to explain. 

Cullen remembered that her grandfather used to be a Templar. “Does this include yourself? You are a powerful mage, after all.”

A pretty blush appeared on the Inquisitor’s cheeks and she tucked a loose lock of hair behind her ear. Cullen couldn’t help but wonder if her hair was as soft as it looked before he focused in on what she was saying again.

“You know, it’s funny. When I found out I was a mage, my grandfather didn’t seem surprised at all. I think he knew and he protected me for a long time. I was never frightened of my magic because of that. That is the feeling we need to help create in Circles in the future. Mages who fear themselves and the people who are supposed to help and protect them are more susceptible to possession or their hold of their magic isn’t as strong as it could be.”

Cullen couldn’t help but admit that she was right. He had never thought to look from the mage’s point of view in the past and the current debates with Tessa about the Circles was opening his eyes to the other half of the problem. 

“Sorry, I didn’t find you just to lecture. I just wanted to ask how you felt about my idea for the tower,” she continued sheepishly.

Cullen remembered one of his first conversations with the beautiful mage in front of him and he smirked, resting his hands on the pommel of his sword. “No, but if you have a lecture prepared I’d be glad to hear it.”

Her eyes widened for a moment before she shoved his arm playfully, blushing even more. “Stop teasing me, Commander,” she laughed. 

“I’m serious,” Cullen retorted, grinning smugly. Despite his better judgement, he was taking every opportunity to see the Inquisitor blush now. He really had to stop that.

Tessa bit her lip, and Cullen was now recognizing that she did that when she was about to ask or do something embarrassing. “Did you leave anyone behind in Kirkwall?” she asked, tilting her head in curiosity.

“No, I fear I made few friends there. And my family’s in Ferelden.”

Tessa clasped her hands in front of her and she looked down at her feet. “No one special caught your attention?”

The only person that had caught his interest in years was standing in front of him, but he couldn’t tell her that.

“Not in Kirkwall.”


	23. Dorian's Advice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which, Dorian tries to tell Tessa what's up

“What is it between you and our dashing Commander anyway?”

Tessa groaned as she shoved a heavy tome on Chantry customs on the bookshelf. Dorian was right, there was too much on the Chantry and too little on anything else. She stared at the mage. “What are you implying?” She prayed to the Maker that her cheeks weren’t turning red.

“You know what I’m implying. Just so you know, if he was interested in the less fairer sex, I would have climbed him like—“

“Dorian Pavus!” Tessa chided with a teasing grin. She knew that Dorian favored the company of men shortly after speaking to him. She had a friend with the same tastes back at Ostwick and she didn’t mind in the least, which she thought the Tevinter mage appreciated since everyone treated him with distrust already. It didn’t take her long to trust him. He spoke to her of what happened in Redcliffe, confirming what Leliana and Cullen had discovered, and he had begun to help research for any weaknesses Corypheus may have.

And, since Tessa now had a library to escape to again and that happened to be the place he haunted the most, they had become quick friends.

“Anyway, answer my question,” he demanded, shelving a book on Necromancy.

Worrying her lower lip between her teeth, Tessa contemplated her and the Commander’s relationship. She couldn’t stop thinking about him these days. She just couldn’t ignore it; not after the way he looked at her when he said the words, ‘Not in Kirkwall’.

Maker, if she could have him look at her like that again...

“I honestly don’t know, Dorian.” She shelved another book on Chantry customs.

Dorian scoffed and picked up another book from the large pile between them. “It’s easy. Are you interested or not?”

Tessa furrowed her brow and stared down her nose at him. “I am definitely interested. I don’t know if he is, though. Besides, there’s the whole Mage and Templar complex and--ugh!” Tessa opened a book and promptly buried her face in it out of frustration.

In the past, Tessa didn’t let her crush on the Commander get in the way of her duties at Haven and she had been successful at Skyhold until now. That crush had become something stronger and she had no idea what to do about it. 

If only she could stop embarrassing herself.

The other day at a meeting in the war room, he smiled at her and the water she had been drinking dribbled down her chin.

He had leaned over and pointed out an area on the map and he leaned just a little too close and he didn’t step away afterwards. It took all of her self-control to not lean into him again.

She saw him in the training yard with the recruits often and she never could just keep walking. She always stopped. What made it extremely interesting was the fact that he was only wearing a simple tunic and breeches. And the tunic was sticking to his skin due to the sweat and...well, whats a poor woman to do? She couldn’t stop staring as he sparred with one of his soldiers and she basically sprinted from the courtyard to escape being seen.

When she and her group returned from Crestwood, he came out to greet them and she had to stop herself from swooning when he helped her down from Clover. And he didn’t splutter or deny Marian Hawke’s teasing about being chivalrous. 

She hadn’t been this bad since when she first met the man and she wanted it to stop or have it be acted upon.

It was like she and the Commander had reached the edge of…something, and they never could step over. 

“What do you mean? He’s not a Templar anymore.”

Tessa groaned and collapsed into the chair nearby. She wondered how to explain this. She knew Dorian would probably understand her feelings, being a mage and all, but he also was from Tevinter. “I...I want to start something, but I’m afraid I’ll be _‘the mage’_ with him...not Tessa. If I wanted someone to watch over me constantly, I would have asked one of the Templars here.”

Her throat started to close up at the thought. Cullen had mentioned how he distrusted mages in the past, and she didn’t want to be in a relationship with him if that was all he was going to see. She knew she was more than just a mage and she hoped he thought the same, then again, she didn’t really know if he thought anything at all. For all she knew, she was just a close friend to him. But, that expression when he said he didn’t have anyone special in Kirkwall kept appearing in her mind.

Dorian scoffed and squatted down next to the chair, resting his forearms on the armrest. “Look, I knew something was up since Haven and I only saw you two around each other for seconds. Believe me when I tell you he is definitely interested. Besides, you’ll never know what he thinks if you don’t ask.” 

Tessa’s eyes widened and her body locked up at the idea. “Ask him?! No. No. And, no.” 

The Tevinter waved her remark away. “Look, I know how you feel. Having to gauge feelings to see if the other party is even into what you’re proposing. I honestly believe he wouldn’t give a nug’s arse about whether your fingers can sparkle or not. You two make us all sick with how you dance around the obvious. And,” Dorian leaned forward and wiggled his eyebrows. “That man has one of the nicest arses I have ever seen. Don’t let it go to waste.”

Tessa suddenly realized that Dorian probably knew what she was feeling the most as her cheeks reddened, trying not to think about Cullen’s arse (which was one of the nicest she had ever seen). 

Due to Dorian’s interests, he was probably walking on glass all the time when it came to his love life. Just like she was with Cullen. She wanted to tell him, Maker, did she want to...but she didn’t want the current issue to be the defining thing between them. She never had the chance to actually believe in a possible relationship before. Being at Ostwick always reminded her that she could never have a relationship with anyone. 

Now, though, she could actually take the possibility into consideration and she had no idea to go about it. 

And of course, she had to fall for a man who was trained to hate magic. An infuriatingly handsome, polite man that had warm, whiskey colored eyes that made her melt inside when he looked at her. 

“Well, Dorian,” she said, finally looking the other mage in the eye, “my other problem is that I don’t think he realizes I’m flirting with him when I do.”

“Dear, just bat your eyelashes, touch his arm, and laugh at everything he says and he’s yours. At least that works on the other pretty boys,” Dorian joked, pulling the book from her hands and standing to put it on the shelf.

Tessa rolled her eyes. “Cullen has a brain. I can’t stand people with nothing between their ears.”

Dorian sighed dramatically. “You really are in a jamb then. You have a pretty Templar that is smart but not smart enough to see that you’re interested.” He paused and leaned forward. “Or you just haven’t been obvious enough.”

“I asked him about celibacy vows the first week I knew him!” Tessa huffed standing up. “And I like to think I’m alright at flirting.”

Dorian leaned back against the bookshelf, arching a brow at her. “What kind of flirting?”

Tessa spluttered. “I—say stuff!”

This was too much for the Tevinter, apparently, because Dorian was bent over at the waist almost crying from laughter. “Oh Maker! You and the Commander are helpless!”

Tessa pouted before one of Dorian’s earlier comments came to mind. “Do you really think he’s that interested?”

Dorian rolled his eyes. “Yes, I think he almost broke his neck the other day trying to look at you from across the main hall the other night.”

Now that was an exaggeration. Tessa knew she was attractive in her own way, but she wasn’t drop dead gorgeous like Dorian was making it sound like. “Oh please, I’m not that pretty.”

“Tessa, you’re not bad on the eyes, and I’m not even into that.”

With a scoff, Tessa put her hands on her hips. “Oh, my mother would be thrilled! People find me attractive! Not that I give a rat’s arse about it.”

“What--dare I ask--is not attractive about you?”

Tessa batted her eyelashes. “Don’t you know? My eyes and lips are too big for my face, my face is too round, my chin too pointy, my skin too tan for my hair color, my hips are a little wide for my frame and my breasts are apparently too small.”

Dorian stared at her for a moment before huffing out a laugh. “Your mother sounds worse than mine. I don’t see any of that…and I doubt the Commander does either.”

“Then why doesn’t he do something about it?!”

“It’s called ‘The Chantry Boy’s Dilemma’. Good luck.”

Tessa let her forehead fall with a thump on the bookshelf in front of her. She moved her head from side to side, digging the spine of the Canticle of Transfigurations—oh the irony—into her skin. Cullen never truly did anything to make her see that he was interested. All she had were a few moments when his expression or words made her heart race or the words of others. 

“You might want to stop that, Inquisitor.”

“Why?”

“Because the object of your affections just entered the library.”

That got Tessa moving. She quickly pulled the Canticle off the shelf and tried to lean back nonchalantly as she opened it to a random page.

She heard an exasperated sigh from Dorian, but she ignored it.

“Ser Pavus, Inquisitor,” Cullen said, walking toward them.

“Ser Cullen,” Dorian replied, peeking over at Tessa.

Tessa looked up from the Canticle and gave Cullen a grin. “Hello.”

Cullen grinned at her and that grin turned into a smirk when he saw what she was holding. He tapped the top of the book. “You could have asked me or your brother if you wanted to get to know the Templars better, Inquisitor.”

Oh no, Tessa had stepped right into trouble yet again. She looked at the book and then back at the handsome ex-Templar in front of her. “Did I ever tell you? I’d rather stick my nose in a book than talk to someone about it.”

Cullen arched a brow. “I thought it was Clover’s job to ensure you didn’t talk to people.”

“I didn’t have Clover at Ostwick, now did I?”

He let out a laugh. “I suppose you didn’t.”

Dorian started to move behind the Commander and Tessa was mortified when he started to make not-so-discreet motions with his hands, causing other people in the library to give them strange looks. Tessa guessed the motions were referencing the advice he gave her earlier. Just touch him and laugh, huh?

She let out a soft giggle and rested her hand on his armored arm. “Where are you heading, Commander?”

Dorian gave her two thumbs up and he looked triumphant.

“I-I was going to deliver some messages to Leliana before going to dinner.”

“May I accompany you? I have to speak to her about our investigation into Calpernia and you can help us,” Tessa asked, turning around to put the Canticle back on the shelf.

“Of course…and Inquisitor.”

“Hm?”

“You might have something on your forehead.” The Commander even went as far as tapping her forehead, giving her a puzzled look.

Tessa frowned and rubbed her forehead and was bewildered when nothing came away with her fingers.

Dorian, meanwhile, was trying not to laugh his arse off.

Wait.

Tessa mentally hit herself. She probably had a red spot from where she rested her head against the books.

Andraste kill her now and send a new Herald.


	24. Chess

Cullen had a problem.

He knew he shouldn’t be interested in the Inquisitor. He knew that a relationship between them was impossible and unlikely. She had the world at her fingertips now, and he barely had anything outside of the Inquisition.

She was growing in power and he was starting to have trouble even writing a damn letter his hands shook so much.

She was becoming a beacon of hope people flocked to and he still had nightmares.

She was kind, just, and one of the best people he knew. He had a guilt-ridden, horrible past that still haunted him.

No, he wouldn’t be good for her even if the idea was possible.

Cullen was too broken and he knew that no one could fix him, not even she could.

Another mage from years ago kept popping up in his mind when his thoughts about Tessa strayed. Another mage with a bright smile and even brighter blonde hair from years ago that he also had harbored an infatuation for.

Those thoughts even turned against Cullen. What was forming between him and Tessa was nothing like the one sided infatuation he held for Solona.

No, what was between him and the Inquisitor was something that he had never experienced before.

Was there something between them?

His earlier thoughts returned and he instantly knew he shouldn’t be thinking that anything was possible between him and Tessa. They were at war and he could never be the man that deserved to stand by her side.

Cullen knew he was overthinking it, but he had to keep those thoughts present to remind him not to do anything foolish; like tell her how he felt. He finished writing his latest letter to Mia, his sister, and then sent it away with Jim. The poor soldier almost collided into Dorian as the mage was entering the tower.

“He’s a jittery fellow, isn’t he?”

Cullen sighed and shook his head. “You don’t know half of it.”

“Anyway,” Dorian continued, leaning a hand on Cullen’s desk, “would you like to join me for a game of chess in the garden? The Inquisitor and I picked out the new table ourselves. A certain dwarf told me you enjoyed playing.”

Cullen looked down at his desk and he was relieved to see that the pile of paperwork he had this morning was almost nonexistent now.

“I would.”

The two men made it down to the garden and Cullen was pleased with the chessboard that was in the gazebo. It was simple and elegant and Cullen could imagine Tessa liking something like this.

It had been many years since Cullen had played, but he got back into the swing of things after a few moves.

Dorian was boasting about how Tevinter teaches special ways to win. Cullen held back the question of whether cheating was one of the special ways.

“Gloat all you like, I have this one.”

“Are you sassing me, Commander? I didn’t think you had it in you.”

Cullen rolled his eyes. He had gotten to know the mage from Tevinter a little more since his arrival and he was surprised to find that he actually got along with the man. But, Dorian did have that dramatic flare Cullen detested at times.

“Why do I even—“

“Ah, Inquisitor,” Dorian greeted.

Cullen stiffened. Tessa? She was supposed to be practicing her new spells against Cassandra with her trainer, not be here. “Inquisitor,” Cullen quickly said, moving to stand up.

“Leaving are you? Does this mean I win?”

Cullen would rather dance the Remigold than admit defeat.

“Please, don’t stop on my account,” Tessa laughed, waving Cullen off.

Cullen couldn’t help but notice how disheveled Tessa looked. She was covered in dirt and her practice shirt and pants were in no better state. She had pulled her hair out of its normal braid and pulled it back into a loose knot at the base of her neck instead, letting a few curly tendrils frame her face.

She looked wonderful.

“Alright, your move,” Cullen said, forcing himself to focus on the game again.

“You need to come to terms with my inevitable victory,” Dorian gloated, moving one of his pieces. “You’ll feel much better.”

Cullen couldn’t even hold back his smirk as he moved his Cleric into check. “Really? Because I just won, and I feel fine.”

The Commander leaned back and took in the glory as Dorian stared at the board in surprise, mustache twitching. He tried to ignore the fluttery feeling he felt when Tessa giggled.

“Don’t get smug. There will be no living with you,” Dorian huffed, standing up. He paused next to Tessa and rested his hands on her shoulders. “Avenge me, my friend. He’s ruthless.”

Tessa let out another laugh at that.

Cullen clasped his hands in front of him and decided to throw caution to the wind. “I should be returning to my duties as well,” he paused and gestured to the board, “Unless you would care for a game?”

“Prepare the board, Commander,” Tessa replied, giving him a challenging smirk.

They rearranged the pieces and their game began.

“I didn’t know you enjoyed chess,” Tessa said after they both moved a few pieces.

“When I was a child I played this with my sister. She would get this stuck-up grin whenever she won—which was all the time.” Cullen let out a laugh at the memory. “Branson and I practiced together for weeks. The look on her face the day I finally won…”

And how glorious it was to put Mia in her place.

“Your sister sounds great," Tessa laughed, moving a piece.

Cullen could see that she was struggling. She must have not played much. He moved a pawn into a bad position on purpose. “Between serving with the Templars and the Inquisition, I haven’t seen them in years. I wonder if she still plays.”

“How many siblings do you have again? I know you told me back at Haven.”

Cullen leaned back, surprised that she even remembered talking to him about it. “Two sisters and a brother.”

“Where are they now?”

“They moved to South Reach after the Blight. I do not write them as often as I should,” Cullen admitted, moving his own piece.

“I haven’t even contacted Jonathan and Oliver. They probably only know I’m alive through news of the Inquisition and Gavin,” Tessa admitted, visibly flinching.

“I’m sure they would understand. Mia did when I finally wrote to her.”

Tessa grinned. “Is that your sister’s name?”

“Yes, she was angry with me at first but she was glad I finally wrote to her.”

Tessa tilted her head as she stared down at the board, contemplating her next move. “Why didn’t you write to her?”

Cullen sighed. “The Blight hit us hard. I was so busy with my duties that it completely slipped my mind.” _And you were ashamed of yourself,_ a tiny, vicious voice reminded in his head.

“That doesn’t sound like you at all,” Tessa teased with a wink.

Rolling his eyes, Cullen took his turn. The game continued on silently for many moves. Cullen would occasionally throw a bad move in there to give her a chance.

“What were you doing in the garden, if I may ask? Cassandra told me you were going to be sparring with her today,” Cullen asked, breaking the silence.

With a shrug, Tessa moved one of her pawns. “We both got tired of my instructor. She’s daft as a bat and I can easily figure out what she did. Technically, I’m the original rift mage.”

Cullen honestly wasn’t surprised. Neither Tessa nor Cassandra was known for their patience when it came to training. Cullen quickly focused again when she continued talking.

“So, I came down to the garden to relax. I was actually helping Mother Giselle with the herb garden, hence why I have dirt all over me,” she admitted with a sheepish grin.

Why did the Herald of Andraste have to look adorable even when she was covered in dirt? The top few buttons of her shirt were also undone, giving him small glimpses of her collarbones and the top of her cleavage when she moved.

Maker, help him.

Their game continued and Cullen broke the silence again. “This may be the longest we’ve gone without discussing the Inquisition—or related matters since Haven.” Cullen mused, resting his elbows on his armrests and leaning forward. “I forgot how much I appreciated the distraction.”

“Likewise,” Tessa said softly, moving one of her pieces, “we should do this more often.”

Cullen’s heart thudded against his ribcage at the suggestion. Could he dare hope that… _No, just appreciate her company, nothing more,_ his mind ordered. “I would like that.”

Tessa’s smile grew and she said, “Me too.”

The words were past Cullen’s lips before he realized what was going on. “You said that.”

Their gazes met and Cullen wished he could put a name to the tension that was growing between them. Tessa blushed prettily and looked away, tucking a stray lock of hair behind her ear.

Cullen cleared his throat and said, “We should…finish our game. My turn?”

The game continued and Cullen made another bad move, hoping Tessa would pick up on the easy win he set up for her.

She did.

“I believe this one’s yours. Well played.” Cullen leaned back in his chair with a tiny smirk, hoping she didn’t realize what he had done. “We will have to try again sometime.”

Tessa didn’t reply for a moment and her face was beginning to flush again. “Yes. Yes we will,” she said softly, looking up at him bashfully through her eyelashes.

Maker, preserve him.


	25. Lyrium

Something was bothering the Commander.

Tessa couldn’t put her finger on exactly what could possibly be bothering Cullen, but she knew something was wrong.

He looked almost ill after she returned from her trip to the Hissing Wastes. She noticed his hands had started to shake during the meeting after her return and his skin was pale. She knew it had something to do with those headaches he claimed were nonexistent. 

Something was wrong and she was going to get to the bottom of it.

“Foolish man, he’s probably working himself to death and getting sick in the process,” Tessa grumbled, marching toward the Commander’s tower.

She knocked on the door and stepped in when she heard a firm reply. Peeking her head in, Tessa stared at the scene before her in bewilderment.

Cullen was standing near his desk, his hands were firmly planted on either side of a wooden box and he was staring at what was inside.

“Jim told me he saw you heading up here,” he said quietly, finally glancing up at her.

Tessa frowned and stepped into his office, shutting the door behind her.

“As leader of the Inquisition. You…” he let out a sigh and looked down at the box again. “There’s something I must tell you.”

Tessa arched a quizzical brow. She stepped closer to the desk. “Whatever it is, I’m willing to listen. You know that,” she said, trying to make the tense feeling in the room more light.

Cullen sighed again and stood straight, resting his hands on his sword. “Right, thank you.” He paused and took a deep breath. “As you know, lyrium grants Templars our abilities,” he rested his hands on his desk again, looking at that damned box, “but it controls us as well.”

Tessa nodded. Where was he going with his? She already knew about the Templars and their lyrium addiction from her time at Ostwick. Her brother already complained to her about it the few times she was able to find him alone. She also remembered how her grandfather would occasionally chug down a draft when he thought she wasn’t around.

Cullen continued. “Those cut off suffer—some go mad, others die.”

Unfortunately, Tessa knew that as well. As far as she knew, her grandfather was still alive, but she didn’t know if he was well or not.

“We have secured a reliable source of lyrium for the Templars here. But I…” he paused again and Tessa could feel like she could cut the air in front of her with a knife it was so tense. “I no longer take it.”

Tessa felt like Iron Bull smacked her over the head with one of his fists. “You stopped?”

“When I joined the Inquisition,” Tessa saw his fists clench on the table. “It’s been months now.”

The Inquisitor was now irritated. “Cullen, if this can kill you…” Maker, she didn’t even want to imagine that.

“It hasn’t yet.”

He must have been going through so much pain. Tessa bit her lip as she saw how Cullen was frowning down at the lyrium kit. Gavin had explained how he felt from not having lyrium for one _week_ and it sounded horrible. Cullen had been doing this for _months_.

“After what happened in Kirkwall, I couldn’t…” He looked up at her, amber eyes meeting her own. “I will not be bound to the Order—or that life—any longer. Whatever the suffering,” he stood up straight again. “I accept it. I would not put the Inquisition at risk. I have asked Cassandra to…watch me. If my ability to lead is compromised, I will be relieved from duty.”

The Inquisition without Cullen? That was like imagining Dorian without his mustache. Iron Bull without his eye patch. Sera without her laugh. Cassandra without her disgusted noise. Varric without Bianca. Vivienne without her bitchiness. Blackwall without his beard. It wasn’t imaginable. Tessa stepped closer to the desk, reaching out and closing the box, forcing him to focus completely on her. “Are you in pain?” she asked, looking for something—anything—in his eyes that could tell her the truth. She knew he wasn’t going to tell her.

“I can endure it.”

They stared at each other what seemed like hours and Tessa forced herself to stand up straight and she made her way toward the other side of the desk. She leaned back against it, clasping her hands in front of her. Should she let him do this even though this could kill him? She now started to recall how her grandfather’s hands would shake the same way Cullen’s did. How there seemed to be a hungry, haunted look in his eyes on certain days. She didn’t want to see the man in front of her go through the same thing.

_This isn’t about what you want, this is about what he wants_ , a voice hissed in her mind.

He started to look toward the box again with an expression she couldn’t name. She reached forward and rested her hand on his cheek, forcing him to look at her. The feel of his stubble on her skin caused goose pimples to rise up on her arms. Thank the Maker she was wearing her long sleeved tunic. “Thank you for telling me. I respect what you’re doing.”

He let his breath out with a heavy whoosh. “Thank you, Inquisitor.” He paused and reached up and took her hand in his, lowering it away from his face. “The Inquisition’s army must always take priority. Should anything happen…” She watched his throat bob as he gulped. “I will defer to Cassandra’s judgment.”

Tessa nodded and stared down at her hand enveloped in his. His hand was so much bigger than her small one and Tessa began to wonder what his must look like underneath the gloves he always wore. Would they be covered in scars and calloused? Would they be pale?

“Can you promise me something?” she asked, looking up at him again.

Cullen’s brow pinched as he nodded.

“Promise me you’ll tell me if you’re in pain or anything. I want to help you, not stand by and watch it happen.”

Cullen started to shake his head. “Tessa I—“

Tessa didn’t want to do this, but she felt that she had to. “That wasn’t a suggestion, Commander.”

He held her gaze evenly for many moments before sighing. “I know better than to argue with you, Inquisitor.”

Tessa squeezed his hand. “You’re my Commander and my friend. I want to help you get through this.”

His eyes widened and a small grin came to his lips. “Thank you, Tessa.”

Tessa made a quick note in her mind to study how lyrium affected non-mages as soon as she left his office.

She didn’t want to see what happened to her grandfather happen to him.


	26. Keeping a Promise

It was a beautiful day and for once, Cullen’s muscles weren’t completely achy. 

The good weather and the lack of pain and a headache gave Cullen to courage to march toward the main hall and look for Tessa. He found her sitting at the table with Varric and she seemed to be poring over a map while the dwarf read something from a letter he was holding.

“There’s another one around this area,” Varric was saying, pointing toward another area on the map, “I think there’s a cave around there. Perfect location for a mine.”

“We’ll have to look into it the next time we’re out there,” Tessa replied, circling the area with a piece of lead. 

He was stupid, she was busy and she wouldn’t have time to spend with him. Just because he wasn’t particularly busy didn’t mean she wasn’t.

Cullen turned to walk right back out the main hall, but luck wasn’t on his side. Tessa caught him. “Cullen! I have a proposal to make,” she said, gesturing for him to come closer.

Varric started to give Cullen a knowing smirk and Cullen glowered at the dwarf before leaning over the map Tessa was pointing at. “Do you think we can send some people here to destroy some red lyrium mines? Would it be safe to have soldiers and a mage or two take care of it? I don’t think older mages are as affected by it. We’ll have to see.”

“That should be fine, I’ll have one of my lieutenants look into it,” Cullen said after considering it for a few moments. Red lyrium. That stuff made his skin crawl. He didn’t know why anyone would willingly go near it.

“What are you doing in here, Curly? Do you not have any poor recruits to yell at?” Varric asked. 

Cullen frowned at him before looking at Tessa again, regaining his courage from earlier. “I was wondering if I could borrow you for a moment, Inquisitor.”

Tessa arched a thin brow, setting her piece of lead aside. “Of course. Do you mind Varric?”

“Oh don’t mind me.”

Tessa playfully smacked the dwarf’s arm before standing up from the table. Cullen led her out of the main hall and started to make his way toward the stable. 

“What did you need?” she asked, peering up at him. 

“I need you to take Clover out for a ride. Phillip doesn’t like exercising alone.” He paused and rubbed the back of his head. “That is, if you’re not too busy or--”

“I’d love to. Besides, its about time I kept my promise,” she teased with a wink. She started to hum happily and almost began to skip toward the stables. 

Maker, she was adorable.

He almost couldn’t believe that his plan had worked. 

Soon, he and Tessa were racing down the trail leading away from Skyhold and Tessa easily took the lead. Cullen could honestly watch her all day. She just looked so happy and free when she was on Clover’s back.

They finally stopped at a clearing at the top of one of the bluffs near Skyhold and the Commander and the Inquisitor admired the sight of the keep and the mountain range behind it. “It really is beautiful,” Tessa said.

“It is.”

Tessa huffed out a laugh. “We don’t have views like this in the Free Marches. All we have is moorland and woods.”

“Ferelden is basically farmland, lakes, and the occasional forest or bog.”

A soft giggle escaped from her and they both perched themselves on a large boulder near the edge of the cliff. 

“How have you been feeling?” she asked, clasping her hands in her lap.

“Today is better than others.”

“That’s good. I’ve seen lyrium withdrawal before...I just never put all the pieces together until now.”

Cullen looked at her in confusion. “When did you see it?”

Tessa shrugged and started to chew on her bottom lip. “Well, I didn’t realize that my grandfather was going through it until I was in the Circle for many years. The Chantry still sent him lyrium, but he was on the bottom of the list because he wasn’t actively serving anymore. And sometimes, they just wouldn’t have enough lyrium to send and he would go without it. It was horrible to watch and I had no idea what was going on.” Her eyes suddenly widened and she looked up at him. “I’m not meaning to scare you or anything! I know you’ll be able to get through it. He had been taking lyrium for--what--50 years at that point?”

Cullen was surprised that she believed in him that much. There were many days he doubted that he could do it. Now that he knew she thought this way...it only made him more determined to make sure she didn’t see what she saw with her grandfather again. He looked down at how she had begun to wring her hands together as she rambled on. He reached out and pulled one of her hands toward him, holding it in both of his own. “I am honored to know that you believe in me that much.”

Her wide, violet eyes stared up at him for many moments before a smile came to her lips. “Of course I believe in you. Why wouldn’t I?”

Cullen suddenly wanted to tell her everything right then and there. About how he had nightmares and why he had nightmares. About how bad the pain really was and how he sometimes felt he was going to retch out his insides other days. 

No, he couldn’t do that. That would give her more to worry about and she had enough to think about already.

So, he kept his mouth shut and just enjoyed her company and listened as she talked about everything she was doing for her friends and how she was hopeful about the trip scheduled for the Western Approach later next week.

He hoped she would never see how broken he truly was.


	27. Its a Draw

Tessa sighed happily as she settled down into the comfy chair she had placed in Dorian’s corner of the library. Today, she and Solas were looking at the tome about rift magic the elf had managed to write so far and she was adding in her own opinions.

“The pull of the energy on the mark is more of a shocking feeling than a burning,” Tessa was explaining, pointing toward a quote in the pages Solas had just compiled.

Solas hummed in thought. “Interesting,” he muttered, quill moving quickly across the page.

Tessa honestly looked forward to her researching sessions with the elf. He was teaching her more about spirits and the Fade and she eagerly took in any information he was willing to give. He also had a backhanded sense of humor that she had to appreciate at times. He also was an arse when the topic of the Dalish or elves came up, but she was willing to put up with it because he had a right to his own opinion. 

Tessa opened her mouth to continue speaking about how the Mark felt, but the sound of quick steps and the slamming of a door stopped her.

Dorian sprinted to the top of the stairs, panting. A huge grin was on his face. “You must come see the spectacular event that is occurring at this moment.”

The Inquisitor and the apostate shared a confused look. Well, Tessa was confused and Solas was irritated. With a sigh, Tessa set down her own quill and stood up. “Oh fine, I’ll try to be back soon Solas, don’t wait for me if I take too long.”

Before Tessa could turn away from the elf, Dorian was grabbing her wrist and dragging her down the stairs toward the main hall. Tessa opened her mouth to demand what was going on, but the commotion outside stopped her. She yanked her wrist from Dorian’s grip and hurried to the main door to the hall.

She stood at the top of the stairs and quirked a brow at the large crowd surrounding the sparring ring. “What is going on?”

Dorian gave her a little shove. “Go and see. It’s a delicious sight.”

Oh Maker, Dorian only said those things when it was going to be embarrassing for her.

The two mages finally made it to the crowd and Tessa slowly but surely pushed her way to the front. And when she got to the edge of the crowd, the sight in front of her was as Dorian described.

Gavin, Iron Bull, and Cullen were all in the ring sparring against one another. The thing that made Dorian dragging her from the library worth it was the fact that Cullen was shirtless like the other men were while doing so.

Tessa couldn’t help but grin at how Cullen was smirking the entire time. He looked ten years younger and more lively than usual, which meant the lyrium withdrawals must not have been hurting him as much today. His hair was falling out of his perfect style and was starting to curl adorably and the light sheen of sweat on his skin made her mouth dry. She marveled at how the muscles of his back bunched as he twisted around to attack Iron Bull.

He successfully blocked a blow from Iron Bull and lifted his shield in time to stop Gavin’s practice sword from connecting to his side.

She could see how he became the Commander of the Inquisition while watching.

“Your brother is a dream, Lady Inquisitor,” Dorian breathed, crossing his arms.

Tessa sighed dramatically, managing to tear her gaze away from the Commander somehow. “Sadly, I wouldn’t know. It would be strange if I made that assessment about him. I only know the less appealing facts about him.”

“Like what?”

“His socks smell worse than the Fallow Mire.”

“I can get past that.”

“And he eats with his elbows on the table.”

“Don’t care.”

Tessa thought of something Dorian absolutely couldn’t stand. “His favorite shirt is made of plaideweave.”

“Oh Maker, no!”

A large thump made them look toward the three men in the ring again. Iron Bull had fallen on the barrier on the other side of the ring, breaking the rungs there.

Now, it was Gavin and Cullen furiously trying to best one another.

As the Inquisitor and the Tevinter mage watched with open mouths with eyes trained on their respective interests, Cullen was focusing on finding an opening.

Gavin Trevelyan was trained well and wasn’t giving the Commander many options.

Cullen finally saw a mistake.

Gavin had stepped a little too far as he lunged forward and Cullen brought the pommel of his wooden practice sword down on the man’s forearm, causing him to drop the sword. Cullen pivoted and swung his shield out, knocking the younger man on his backside.

He held the tip of his sword to Trevelyan’s throat, not holding back the victorious smirk he felt growing on his face. “You were trained well.”

Gavin huffed out a laugh. “I see how you became Knight-Captain so quickly now.”

Cullen helped the Templar to his feet and he stiffened when he heard Bull yell, “Like what you see, Boss?”

The qunari had gotten up after his unfortunate fall and he was now strutting in front of the Inquisitor like a peacock.

Cullen’s stomach flipped and he suddenly became self-conscious about his state of undress.

Tessa tilted her head, bringing a finger to her chin in thought. “If you are talking about the seven foot tall qunari in front of me, I believe you’re sadly mistaken.”

Bull crossed his arms. “Oh, I see how it is. You like pretty boys like our Commander.”

Cullen opened his mouth to sputter a protest, but Tessa’s laugh cut him off. “I was actually enjoying seeing my brother being knocked on his arse. That didn’t happen often enough when we were children.”

Gavin rolled his eyes. “Oh please! You knocked me on my arse all the time after you learned how!” he argued, striding toward where Bull and the Inquisitor were standing.

Tessa smirked at her brother. “Obviously not enough because you’re still a prig sometimes.”

“Tessy, you hurt me.”

“Don’t call me Tessy. And it’s not hard to knock you on your arse and you know it.”

“I bet you can’t knock the Commander on his arse. He’s ruthless.”

Cullen stiffened again. No, no, and no. He was NOT sparring with the Inquisitor.

“I bet I can.”

“Prove it.”

Sibling rivalry was going to be the death of Cullen Rutherford.

Tessa peered around her brother’s tall frame. “Care if I prove my brother wrong, Commander?”

“Inquisitor, I—“

Tessa had made up her mind, though. She was already climbing over the fence into the ring and she walked over to the barrels holding practice staffs for the mages. She shucked off her outer tunic, revealing a thin undershirt, and she tossed it to Dorian. She stepped forward and stood close to Cullen. Cullen also couldn’t help but notice how her cheeks were an adorable shade of pink. Maybe he should practice shirtless more often...

“Remember that problem we were speaking of the other day?” she whispered.

Cullen remembered perfectly. Many of the Inquisition’s troops were worried about fighting the Venatori mages. Many of them said they could never hope to defeat magic without being Templars.

Cullen had tried many times to tell them it was very possible to fight against mages without using the Templar’s unique abilities, but morale was dropping by the day. Cullen remembered telling Tessa of this problem and she had said she would think of solutions.

“This is your solution?” he asked incredulously.

“Yes. You’re not taking lyrium so you can’t use your Templar abilities to their full potential. Show them that the training they’re going through can be used against any mage. Who better to show that than you against the Inquisitor?” she whispered, giving him a proud smile.

Maker, how could he deny her now?

Her plan made perfect sense. Many of the lieutenants and other officers in the army were already watching and more soldiers were joining the crowd by the second.

“Give me a moment.”

Cullen quickly went over to where he had thrown his shirt over the fence and he pulled it on. He wasn’t taking the risk of being burned by a wayward spark. He also found a metal shield and held it up experimentally. He frowned, remembering her tendency to use lightning magic and picked up the wooden one he was using before instead.

He made his way back over to the waiting Inquisitor. “Alright,” he said, loud enough for anyone nearby to hear, “What are the terms of this match, my Lady?”

“Controlled blows from you and nothing too dangerous from me?”

Cullen nodded in agreement and stepped away from her. “Ready?”

The fireball going toward his face was his answer. Cullen’s training immediately kicked in and he blocked the spell with his shield, tilting it forward to keep the flames away from his face. He raced forward, swinging his sword.

Memories of Tessa’s scrap with Cassandra months ago came to mind when Tessa successfully blocked his sword.

The two danced around each other and Cullen couldn’t help but marvel at how efficiently the Inquisitor handled her staff. For every blow she blocked from him, she was easily able to whip the other end of her staff around and cast a spell while she tried to physically hit him. The way she used her magic was graceful and almost seemed to be a true extension of herself. It was not something commonly seen from Circle mages, since they were taught to fear their magic.

Small shocks of energy or sparks were starting to fly from her staff as the fight continued. Cullen barely managed to bring his shield up in time to deflect a spell and he finally saw his opening. He whipped his sword around and knocked the staff from Tessa’s hands.

To his surprise, that didn’t stop her.

She reached down and he yelped when a large slab of earth suddenly rose and separated him from her.

He brought his shield up and grunted as large rocks started to pellet into his shield. Cullen was impressed. Most of the mages he knew had trouble casting spells without their staves. Tessa was doing it with ease.

Cullen sensed her energy weakening and he raced forward. He pivoted around the edge of the slab and swung his sword toward her torso. Tessa surprised him again by summoning a column of ice to rise up and encase his hand, stopping his sword completely and anchoring him down.

Tessa reached back and Cullen saw the beginning of a Stonefist spell forming. Twisting as hard as he could, he managed to pull his hand—but not his sword—from the ice and he was barely able to duck behind the large slab of earth that remained from earlier as the spell launched from her hand. He knew he wouldn’t have been on his feet still if he tried to face that head on.

As soon as he heard the heavy thump of the rock hitting his temporary defense, he leaped over and swung his shield. Tessa surprised him again by dodging it and leaping forward. The Inquisitor climbed him like a ladder and used a move he had only seen be taught to the smaller recruits among the Inquisition to be used against larger enemies.

She managed to twist around and wrap her legs around his neck and use her body weight to throw off his balance.

They both fell to the ground and the crowd gasped in shock. They obviously weren’t expecting that either.

Before Cullen could comprehend what was happening, he and the Inquisitor were in a wrestling match and his body was reacting on its own to counter her maneuvers. He thought that his size and strength would be enough, but he was dead wrong.

Again, her brothers taught her well and they taught her to be scrappy, which was unfortunate for him when she threw elbows and knees when she could.

“Get ‘em Tessy!”

“Go Boss!”

Cullen and Tessa rolled across the ground, both of them trying to get the edge on their opponent. Cullen saw that they rolled closer to the shard of ice what had his practice sword still in it. He shoved Tessa away and grabbed for the handle and he pulled it out with a large crack.

He turned and found himself going cross eyed as the end of Tessa’s staff was put into his face as he held the tip of his sword to her neck.

Well…this was unexpected.

“It’s a draw,” he heard Gavin mutter.

He and Tessa both lowered their weapons and stared at each other in shock. Laughter started to bubble from Tessa’s lips and it was infectious. 

They both started to laugh and that was when Cullen barely registered that the crowd around them was applauding.

Tessa noticed too and she tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear as a blush started to grace her cheeks. Her braid was disheveled from their fight and her chest was still heaving from the exertion.

Maker, she was beautiful.

Cullen looked away before he could start staring.

“Oi! Commander Fancyhair!”

Oh no.

Sera waved up at him from the open window of her room in the tavern. “What was it like having the Inquisitor’s lady bits in your face?”

Oh Andraste, no.

Cullen was so focused on the fight that he didn’t realize that what the elf just yelled at him actually happened when Tessa managed to knock him down.

“Sera!” Tessa scolded.

Sera’s obnoxious giggle caused most of the crowd to laugh aloud.

Cullen noticed that his soldiers were still standing around and that wouldn’t do. “Don’t you have duties to be attending to?” he asked coolly.

He had never seen soldiers scatter that quickly. The only ones that stayed behind were Gavin, Dorian, Iron Bull, and Cassandra (who must have walked over to see what the commotion was about).

The duo walked over to the Inquisitor’s friends and Gavin barked out a laugh as they approached. “I see you put Oliver’s lessons to good use,” he chortled.

Tessa smacked his arm with the end of her staff.

“You have gotten better, Inquisitor. I’m pleased to see how much you improved,” Cassandra said, nodding toward Cullen.

“Are you going to tell us why you did that?” Dorian asked.

Tessa looked up at Cullen and he could see the question in her eyes.

“Morale has been low. The men were wondering how they were going to fight against Venatori mages without Templar abilities. The Inquisitor had the idea to show them they have no need to worry,” Cullen explained.

Bull barked out a laugh. “If they wanted evidence, they only had to look at the Qun. We fight against Vints all the time.”

Dorian rolled his eyes with a scoff.

“Anyway,” Tessa began, “we can’t have our men doubting themselves. They know that the Commander used to be a Templar and he didn’t use any of his abilities to fight against me, proving that you don’t need to be a Templar to fight against magic.”

Cullen wanted to get down on his knees and thank the Maker. He was worried that Tessa would tell the rest of her friends about his personal choice to stop taking lyrium, but that didn’t seem to be the case.

Cassandra gave him a knowing smirk.

“Well, Commander, what was it like?” Iron Bull suddenly asked.

Arching a brow, Cullen sighed. “What was what like?”

“Having the Inquisitor’s—“

Gavin’s fist to the qunari’s stomach stopped the question in its tracks.


	28. Adamant

Tessa couldn’t believe what was happening.

The Grey Wardens were the ones that would bring Corypheus’ Demon army to Thedas.

They had been marching to Adamant for almost a week now. Tessa stood on one of the bluffs in the barren land of the Western Approach. Adamant fortress towered in the distance and Tessa swore that it seemed to be laughing at the Inquisition.

The assault was happening in the morning and she couldn’t sleep. She was leading many men and women to their deaths tomorrow.

And what was going to happen to the Grey Wardens?

Tessa knew they were needed in the world. They were needed against Blights and they were the experts on fighting Darkspawn.

Yet, they were being controlled by the biggest threat in Thedas.

“Inquisitor?”

Tessa jumped and looked to see Cullen making his way toward her. “Commander.”

He reached her side and they stared out at Adamant together. “You should get some rest,” he finally said, looking down at her.

Tessa snorted. “Is this how you feel?”

“What do you mean?”

She looked up at him. “Whenever you send your soldiers out into the field. Do you ever feel like you’re sending them to their deaths?”

Cullen gave her an even stare for many moments before finally replying, “All the time.”

Tessa looked away. “I gave the order. I’m leading these people to—“

“Tessa, these men and women know what they’re getting into. And we have the Templars, who are trained to fight against magic and demons. We will be victorious.”

The Inquisitor wished she had a fraction of the confidence her commander was oozing at the moment.

She bit her lip, looking up at the sky. They remained in an almost comfortable silence. “I’m scared,” she whispered.

“We all are.”

For some reason, that was reassuring.

That reassurance stayed with her when she moved forward with her platoon toward the main gate of Adamant fortress with the battering ram. Tessa and Solas focused on keeping magical barriers up around the ram while the soldiers worked on keeping the area in front of them open.

Dorian, Sera, Vivienne, and Varric took out the Grey Wardens attacking from above, while the rest of Tessa’s inner party helped move the ram forward and keep them covered.

Tessa gasped when the hiss of an arrow passed by her ear. The sting on her cheek only drove her to pour more energy into her magic instead of holding back. Cassandra must have seen it because she moved to march protectively in front of the Inquisitor with her shield raised.

The Inquisition finally got in the front gates and easily took out the demons lurking behind them.

“Pull back! They’re through!” a warden shouted from the battlements.

Tessa’s scowl deepened as the Grey Wardens retreated further into the fortress.

“Alright Inquisitor.” Tessa turned to see Cullen making his way toward her. “You have your way in. Best make use of it. We’ll keep the main host of demons occupied for as long as we can.”

The faces of the dead soldiers she saw on the way here flashed through her mind. “I’ll be fine. Just keep the men safe.”

Cullen nodded in understanding, face grim. “We’ll do what we have to, Inquisitor. Warden Stroud will guard your back.”

He pointed up toward the tall, imposing walls of the battlements. “Hawke is with our soldiers up on the battlements. She’s assisting them until you arrive.”

A piercing screech of a demon and the terrified shouts of a man caused them both to look up toward the battlements. A demon snarled down at them before moving on.

Cullen growled a curse before turning back to her. “There’s too much resistance on the walls. Our men on the ladders can’t get a foothold! If you can clear out the enemies on the battlements, we’ll cover your advance.”

Tessa nodded in understanding and moved to do just that. Cullen’s grip on her upper arm forced her to turn back to him. “Be careful,” he ordered quietly so only she could hear.

With a nod, the Inquisitor turned to her team.

For him, she would be careful.

The situation was worse than Tessa anticipated. They were able to convince the warrior Grey Wardens to fight beside them and they were able to clear out the battlements and team up with Marian, but things only got worse.

Clarel still wouldn’t see sense when Tessa tried to talk to her and a Pride demon was summoned before their eyes.

And then Corypheus’ archdemon appeared. They managed to clear the courtyard and the Pride demon fell with a roar.

Tessa turned to her Inner Circle. “Solas, stay here and do what you can to keep that rift stable. Blackwall, Vivienne, Sera, Cole, stay here and cover him.”

“Yes Inquisitor,” Blackwall thumped his chest before moving toward the rift with Solas.

Tessa turned to the rest of her friends. “Cassandra, Dorian, Varric, and Bull, we’re going after Clarel.”

The team raced through the fortress, dodging attacks from the archdemon and any remaining demons. Marian and Stroud stayed close to Tessa’s side when they finally made it to the bridge, where they saw Clarel facing Erimond.

Tessa watched in horror as the archdemon swooped down and snatched up Clarel in its fangs. The dragon threw Clarel to the side and landed above her.

Tessa could barely hear the Warden Commander’s dying words. “In War, Victory.” She started to form a lightning spell in her hand. “In Peace, Vigilance.”

“Clarel! No!”

The spell was large enough to not only stun the dragon, but also cause the bridge to start to crack beneath their feet.

“Move! Move!” Stroud shouted, shoving Tessa and whoever else he could toward the more stable part of the bridge.

But it was no use, soon, they were all falling and Tessa could feel the mark on her hand start to spark.

She was not going to die here.


	29. Aftermath

It had been hours.

The archdemon had disappeared hours ago and yet there was still no sign of the Inquisitor or of the party that was with her.

The Commander and his men reached the courtyard and they were helping keep the demons coming from the rift there at bay.

Cullen refused to believe that any of them were dead; she couldn’t have died here, not after what she survived before. His chest started to feel hollow at the thought.

He didn’t want to think about it.

The platoon of Templars that followed behind his men reached the courtyard and the demons now didn’t stand a chance.

Cullen felt uneasy as he stared at the rift. They had just defeated the previous wave of demons and Solas was now working on setting up barriers to keep more at bay.

The uneasy feeling came from the rift itself. Thanks to the lyrium that remained in his body, he could sense something on the other side of the rift; something big.

“You feel it too, don’t you?”

Cullen looked to see Trevelyan walking up to him.

“Yes, I do.”

They didn’t have time to contemplate it because more demons started to pour from the rift. Thankfully, Solas’ barriers were enough to give the soldiers time to regroup.

Cullen sliced his way through a rage demon and Gavin backed him up and Silenced the area around the demon, sucking away any energy it still had.

The two men turned toward the next demon and they stared in shock as it collapsed with a screech and faded away into nothing.

Cullen looked toward the rift and saw Cassandra stumble out from it, followed by Dorian, Varric, and Iron Bull.

The Commander raced over to the Seeker and the others. “Where’s the Inquisitor?”

Cassandra stared at him in confusion before her eyes widened and she looked behind her. “She was right behind me, I swear!”

Cullen’s heart dropped. No, not when she was so close. No, no, no...

Marian Hawke suddenly leapt out of the rift. The mage was coughing up blood and she was clutching at her side with an armored hand.

“Shit! Hawke!” Varric cursed, racing forward to help his friend.

Then, everything slowed down as if they were in a dream as Tessa herself walked calmly out of the green light. She raised her hand and Cullen could feel the surge of energy shift around him as she closed the rift.

The courtyard grew quiet for a few moments before victory cries started to ring out throughout the soldiers.

Cullen could only focus on the woman standing in the middle of the courtyard.

She was alive, thank the Maker. Cullen didn’t realize how frightened he truly was until he saw her standing there.

But, there was a tightness about her that wasn’t like her at all. She stared at the remaining Grey Wardens angrily.

Hawke started to speak. “She was right, with the Nightmare Demon gone…” The Champion shook her head. “Corypheus lost his demon army.”

One of his lieutenants raced forward. “Inquisitor, the archdemon flew away as soon as you disappeared. The Venatori magister is unconscious but alive. Cullen thought you might wish to deal with him yourself. As for the Wardens, those who weren’t corrupted helped fight against the demons.”

Tessa somehow found him right away in the crowd and she nodded at him. He nodded back.

A Grey Warden officer raced forward. “Inquisitor, we seek to right Clarel’s tragic mistake.” The officer looked around. “Where is Stroud?”

Tessa took a deep breath before declaring, “Warden Stroud died striking a blow against the servant of the Blight.”

He knew she sounded confident and mournful to everyone else, but Cullen could see how her hands were trembling and the tightness around her eyes only increased. Something was wrong.

“We will honor his sacrifice and remember how he exemplified the ideals of the Grey Wardens.” Her small speech continued until a decision had to be made.

In the end, the Wardens were conscripted into the Inquisition. She gave Cassandra and some other Templar officers permission to create ways to check on the Wardens and keep them in line.

Cullen watched as she stepped down from the fountain and started to walk away, ignoring anything anyone had to say.

Something was definitely wrong.

* * *

Tessa couldn’t stand it. They were badgering her with questions and she couldn’t breathe.

She escaped to an empty part of the fortress. Leaning back against the wall, she slowly slid down until she was sitting on the ground.

Biting her lip, she tried to control the sobs that wanted to escape.

The Fade was horrible, the memories were horrific, and the things the Nightmare Demon’s lackeys turned into were terrifying.

She saw everything from spiders, worms, undead versions of her friends and family, and him; the man that almost ruined her life when she was 16. He kept appearing among the demons, shouting those horrible things at her and Tessa couldn’t take it.

It was satisfying to defeat the demons that took that shape, but at the same time she wanted to just sit down and cry.

And what bothered her most was seeing everyone’s fears in the strange cemetery they had to walk through. She saw everyone’s names and their worst nightmares below them. 

And then her name appeared and she could feel the blood drain from her face when she read ‘Inquisitor’ beneath her name.

The weight of everything that just happened was threatening to crush her and she didn’t know if she would survive if the weight became too great.

She started when she heard heavy footsteps approaching, but the rattle of the armor was familiar.

Oh Maker, no. He can’t see her like this. She wished he would just turn around and leave her alone.

Cullen, unfortunately, didn’t leave her alone and he stood in front of her. “What happened?” he asked quietly.

She stared up at him, wondering what to think. She had tried to act victorious and motivating in front of everyone, yet he noticed. He was covered in ash, dirt, and who knows what else and she knew she was in the same state. He held out a hand and she shook her head. “I just need a moment.”

Instead of saying anything, he stepped over and slid down next to her, his various pieces of armor and leather rattling and creaking as he did so. “Alright.”

This man was something else; he seemed to know exactly what she needed. She didn’t need words or anything else at the moment; she just needed peace and quiet. They just sat there, not saying a word.

He didn’t even say anything when silent tears started to trail down her dirty cheeks.

She finally spoke after they sat there for what seemed like years. “I just ordered a man to die.”

He didn’t say anything and that allowed her to continue. “The large monster came after us in the Fade. Marian wanted to stay behind and cover us and Stroud argued with her. Neither of them would leave and we had to get out. So I shoved her through the rift and then Stroud shoved me.”

She took a shuddering breath and hugged her knees to her chest. “I’m a horrible person. I can’t do this,” she squeaked out, barely getting the words past the growing lump in her throat.

The effort of holding back her sobs was causing her chest to heave and she buried her face in her knees. How could she do this? She was sick of people dying around her and she couldn’t face that the rest of her life. How was she supposed to help save Thedas if people kept dying to make that happen?

The nightmare was right, her greatest fear was who she was, not what she faced.

A heavy weight rested on her shoulders and she leaned into the touch. Cullen pulled her to his side and she started to silently sob. She could feel him shaking as well and she knew it wasn’t because he was crying.

_Aren’t we a sight?_ she thought cynically, _I’m crying because of a stupid demon and he’s going through withdrawal. Some leader I am._

“It's not your fault. You can't control everything,” he whispered.

Tessa's heart clenched and she knew he was right, but that didn't make it feel better.


	30. Marian Hawke

The Inquisition was finally gaining power in the world thanks to their victory at Adamant. 

Cullen was just glad that they could breathe easily for the moment. The ball at the Winter Palace wasn’t for many months and that gave the Inquisition time to prepare. Now, the Inquisitor and her friends were resting at Skyhold before planning any further missions in the field and Cullen was glad Tessa had made that decision.

She was starting to confide in her friends and help them, but Cullen was surprised when she came to confide in him. He knew she went to Cassandra and Josephine with her troubles more than anyone. And Dorian was a close third. 

He didn’t know what to do when she came into his office one morning at the crack of dawn. He was awake because the nightmares were unusually horrible that night and he had just stayed up and started working again.

Tessa just walked in and shut the door behind her, leaning back against it as she tried to control her quiet sobs. 

Cullen quickly stood from his desk and immediately walked over to her. “Tess--”

“You have nightmares too, right? Gavin told me lyrium does that sometimes.”

Cullen bit back the truth and he focused on her. She obviously was upset and he wanted to help, even though he knew he could never comfort her in the way he wanted to. “What’s wrong?”

That was when she told him what she saw in her nightmares. She told him that she kept seeing Stroud in her dreams and the Warden was blaming her for everything. She also explained what some of the smaller Fear demons turned into in the Fade and how they still haunted her. 

Cullen wanted to reach out and hold her close to him, but friends didn’t do that. He didn’t get to make that decision because she reached out and pulled him close herself, crying into the front of his shirt. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and just let her cry, resisting the urge to rest his cheek on top of her head. 

It amazed him how well she fit against him at that moment. Her head was easily tucked underneath his chin and everything just felt...right.

The rest of the day was spent distracting her and that meant that he let her read any book she wanted from his bookshelf. 

For the next few weeks after that, they created a little system for themselves. Most days when she was feeling overwhelmed, she just came to his office and would do her work there or read a book while he worked. He would also take his work to her quarters if she needed to talk to someone. That began when he just didn’t leave after delivering a message once and she caught him up in a conversation.

He was a little surprised that he was the one she chose to confide all of her fears to, but he wasn’t going to deny her. 

This continued until he knew that he absolutely couldn’t call what they had a friendship. 

They were...something, and he couldn’t put a label on it because he didn’t know what she thought.

He also found himself feeling something more than what he could call a crush. He knew it wasn’t just desire that was drawing him to her either. It was obvious that Tessa was attractive to him. Her smile always made his heart stutter and he always found himself studying how her hips swayed when she walked away from him. His mind started to betray him by imagining how she would feel against his hands, his lips, his skin. He started to wonder how her voice would sound saying his name if he kissed her. Yes, desire was there, but he knew he did more than just that. 

Cullen found himself wanting to know everything about her. What was her childhood truly like? What made her smile the most? What happened in her past to make her the strong woman she is today? 

Despite the fact that Cullen knew wondering these things may never turn out well for him, he wondered away. There were many times when he actually thought about telling her how he felt, but then the thought of her rejecting him or losing her friendship made him balk. 

Cullen worked hard to have the integrity he had now, after Kinloch and Kirkwall and his decision to stop taking lyrium, he would be damned if a stupid, selfish decision on his part swept that from under his feet. 

Tessa had more things to think about than him. She was the one trying to save Thedas. She was a leader during a war, as was he. She didn’t have time to worry about him. He also knew that the withdrawal he was going through could possibly compromise him. He didn’t want her to have to put up with that more than she had to, it would be selfish to ask her to do so. 

He was contemplating it as he stood on the battlements of Skyhold, looking out at where the Inquisitor just left. Tessa finally decided to leave Skyhold and go to the Exalted Plains to deal with business there and he was already mourning her absence. 

“You two are disgusting, you know that? I can see how people feel about me and Fenris now.”

Cullen jumped and whipped around to see the Champion of Kirkwall smirking at him. The mage had stayed at Skyhold to recover from the wounds she received in the Fade. Tessa frequently talked about Marian Hawke and Cullen was glad she could find another friend in all of this. Hawke would probably know more about what Tessa was going through than anyone else...save for the Hero of Ferelden.

“What?”

Marian rolled her dark brown eyes and stepped forward to lean on the battlement beside him. “You and the Inquisitor. Or am I just seeing things?”

Cullen sighed, looking out at the landscape again. “No...we are not something.”

“But you want it to be,” she stated simply.

Cullen forgot how blunt the Champion could be. While she was usually sarcastic and witty, she had those moments where it seemed like she could read minds and was more than willing to point it out. 

“I do.”

“Then why don’t you? Trust me, waiting for years is horrible,” she snorted. 

Deciding to get the focus off of him, Cullen tried small talk. “How is...what’s his name again?”

“Fenris. And he’s fine, you’re not distracting me from this. Varric has been trying to get me in on a betting pool on you two.”

Cullen frowned at her. “Why are you so interested in my love life all of a sudden?” he snapped.

Marian scoffed and stood straight; adjusting the headband she used to keep her wild, curly, short hair away from her face. “Well, Cullen, I thought that we might have become friends of a sort after all that shite with Meredith and the Circle, but I guess not. Maybe all those times you asked how I was doing was taken the wrong way.”

Cullen sagged against the battlement with a sigh. He did kind of view the woman as a confidant now. She had been his biggest support after Meredith succumbed to her madness and she helped him get the Circle back into order.

“So, interested in a mage? Seems like you owe me some money,” she suddenly said with a ‘cat who ate the canary’ grin. “What happened to mages being the source of all evil?”

Maker help him. “I...try not to think that way anymore. And she’s not like the mages I have seen in the past. She’s better than that.”

Marian rolled her eyes again. “Oh Maker, don’t be like Fenris and say shite like that. It’s annoying...especially for the women that have to listen to it.”

Cullen growled in frustration. “I let horrible things happen at Kirkwall and--”

“And now you’re making up for it by being the goody two shoes Commander here. It’s like a fairy tale come true! The mage and the Templar finding each other against all odds and-”

“Surely you didn’t come up here just to talk about my interest in Tessa!”

Marian cackled out a laugh. “Oh shit, you’re too easy to tease. And no, I didn’t actually. I just saw how you were staring out at the bridge like a lovesick puppy and I had to say something.”

Cullen groaned, letting his head fall against the stone of the battlement. He really was in trouble if he looked like how Marian was describing.

“I actually came up here to see how you were doing. We haven’t really had a chance to really talk to each other with all the Corypheus shit,” Marian admitted, leaning back next to him.

“I feel like I’m actually making a difference here,” Cullen answered, allowing himself to grin a little. “It doesn’t make up for what I did in Kirkwall, but I’m glad I can help somehow.”

“I wasn’t shocked that you became Commander. The way you came up with battle plans at the top of your head when Meredith went crazy was impressive enough. Varric has been keeping me up to date.” They remained silent for many moments. “So, is that little bit about how you acted in Kirkwall keeping you from telling her how--”

“Drop it, Marian.”

“No, she’s my friend now too so you have to deal with this. Seriously, get your head out of your arse and face the facts and live a little.”

Typical Hawke, Cullen thought. 

“Remember when I said that saying you’re not good enough was annoying? It still applies even five minutes later. I will make this happen. If I can get Aveline to finally make a move on Donnic, I can get you to do something too,” she laughed with a wink.

Cullen rolled his eyes. “So that’s how it happened.”

“You bet your ass that’s how it happened. It was painful to watch too. Please tell me you’re better at flirting than her,” she chuckled. 

Cullen didn’t know how long he and Marian stood on the battlements, talking about her friends, Kirkwall, the Inquisition, and everything in between. Soon, they were on the topic for what could change if the Circles were reformed. Cullen had been coming up with ideas with Cassandra and Tessa after they recruited the Templars to their cause and Marian was actually approving.

“I’m surprised you like our ideas, considering the fact you were an apostate all your life,” Cullen admitted. They were now making their way back to his office. 

Marian shrugged. “I could get why the Circles are needed. My father used to be terrified for me and Bethany when we were children. The fact that they became prisons is what made my father leave and what caused Anders to go insane. You’re suggesting letting mages have more freedom to leave the Circle if they want to. You’re actually considering treating them like people. I can support that.”

Cullen sighed in relief. “Maybe Kirkwall’s Circle can heal if we can cause this change...maybe melt down those statues too.”

Marian shivered. “Ugh. They wouldn’t be missed.” She suddenly grinned with glee. “Guess what Isabella and I did before I left Kirkwall, since we’re on the topic of statues.”

“What in Andraste’s name could you have possibly done?”

“We took all of our old small clothes and shot them toward Meredith to see if we could get one to land on her head. Isabella won.”

Despite how ludicrous and childish the story was, Cullen couldn’t help but smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like to imagine that Hawke and Cullen would have become kind of friends after all the crap that happened in Kirkwall.


	31. To tell or not to tell?

Things became a little easier after Adamant. 

Tessa was finally sleeping through the night again instead of being plagued by nightmares and she finally felt up to the task ahead of her at the Exalted Plains, thanks to Cullen and her other friends. The Inquisitor and her party were going to try to contact the Dalish after helping Solas and she couldn’t be distracted. 

Solas was jittery the whole way toward the camp. Tessa knew he was worried about his friend and she was determined to help. She appreciated how Solas openly shared his experiences with spirits instead of acting afraid of them and Tessa hoped that his information could help future mages learn about how to connect and learn about spirits instead of fearing them.

Tessa was always amazed at how expressive an elf’s ears could be, and Solas was no exception. His ears were basically pinned back against his head and he reminded her of a growling dog whenever he snapped at Sera or Blackwall. 

He usually wasn’t this acerbic and she hoped they could help.

Things didn’t look good as they saw signs of bandits on the road. 

Cassandra didn’t make it better. “Those are demon claw marks,” she muttered, glaring down her nose at a corpse. 

“No. No, no, no,” Solas fervently mumbled, racing ahead of everyone else. 

“Solas!” Tessa called out, quickly following him.

The sight by the river almost broke Tessa’s heart. Solas looked so defeated and she could tell by how his ears and shoulders drooped as he stared at the sight before them. The Pride demon looked exhausted and sad as it stood by the river. 

Tessa quickly ordered everyone else to aim for the summoning barrier and they were able to free the spirit, ignoring the leader of the apostates. 

Things didn’t get any better after that. Tessa had waited too long to stop Solas from killing the apostates and he left them shortly after that. 

Tessa worried about Solas as she sat by the fire at camp that night. He had told her that he needed to think and she desperately hoped he would return. He had become a friend and fellow researcher in all of this and she didn’t want to lose that friendship.

Her mind started to wander as she stared at the flames of the fire. She propped her chin in the palm of her hand and she sighed. 

Meanwhile, Jo, the requisition officer, was pacing around the camp, fervently trying to prepare the requisitions Tessa was able to find materials for. The Inquisitor couldn’t help but grin. Cullen had told her about how Jo and the head guard at Skyhold, Lynn, were basically inseparable and they acted like Jim’s older sisters. Cullen was actually amused by it all and he always told her when the two women ganged up on someone.

Speaking of Cullen…

Tessa’s mind wandered to her Commander and what her situation was with him now. She wanted to tell him that she cared about him more than anything, but she was so afraid of being rejected. She summoned a flame to her fingertip, brows pinching a little as she stared at it. She didn’t think he would be shallow and just see her as a mage, but the fear just wouldn’t go away. 

“Inquisitor?”

Tessa looked to see Cassandra stepping out of her tent and walking toward the fire. Tessa put out the flame on her fingertip and she grinned tiredly up at the Seeker.

“Why aren’t you resting? You are to meet the Dalish tomorrow, correct?”

The Inquisitor had been sitting on the ground, leaning back against the log that served as a bench next to the fire. She let her head fall back to rest on top of it with a thump, staring up at her friend. Actually...Cassandra could probably be the best one to give her advice right now. She was a romantic at heart but she was pragmatic enough to not be stupid about these things. 

“Cassandra, do you know how Commander Cullen feels about mages? Has he said anything?”

The Seeker’s brow quirked. “Why?”

Tessa shrugged, plucking at the grass beneath her. “No reason.”

Cassandra gave her an even stare for many moments. “He knows what evil they’re capable of, but I believe he doesn’t see that in you,” the Seeker replied with a smirk.

“Who said I was asking about me?!”

“Don’t even. We all know you like him. He’s the only one too daft to see it.”

“It’s true!”

Both women looked toward the owner of the voice. Jo had apparently overheard from her spot near the requisition table and she started to fiddle with the papers nervously. “I mean, we all know he’s sweet on you, all of the soldiers that are around him enough see it.”

Tessa stared at the woman in shock. “He is?”

Jo looked almost jittery now. “I’m sorry. I spoke out of--”

“Oh no, please continue,” Cassandra snorted, looking back at the Inquisitor. “Your fear about him rejecting you because of being a mage is silly. Ask him and find out.”

“Please do,” Jo squeaked from her table, looking tickled pink.

Tessa arched an amused brow at the officer. 

Jo looked sheepish as she set her papers down. “It’s just, we really respect the Commander and he always seems happier when you’re at Skyhold. At least that’s what Jim tells Lynn and I.”

Cassandra lightly punched her arm. “There you have it. Now, I’m going to get some sleep.”

Biting her lip, Tessa stared into the fire again. Cullen seemed happier when she was around?

All of her fears were buried for the moment as she considered the possibility of actually telling Cullen how she felt. He had been one of her biggest supporters throughout all of this. He, along with her other advisors and friends, have been helping her become a better leader and person and that was something she would never be able to repay. 

Was the possibility of something actually forming so unrealistic? 

She suddenly remembered the enchanter they ran into in the Hinterlands. Tessa and her group had come across a dead Templar with a note and a phylactery, discovering that it belonged to his mage lover at the crossroads. The end of that tale had a bittersweet ending and Tessa bit her lip as she thought about the mage. The enchanter and that Templar had what appeared to be a good relationship for years...and in a Circle even! Why couldn’t it be possible for her and a former Templar?

She pushed the fact that she was a mage and he a former-Templar from her mind and thought of them as just people for a moment. 

Their friendship was based on mutual respect and support. She also could understand how some people could call him a killjoy, but he was never that way around her. Then again, she was also the type of person that preferred the peace and quiet with a book than anything else, just like he was. He was kindhearted and just wanted to help people. He was always steadfast and adamant at the War Table and he always gave her constructive criticism and advice without judgement, even when he disagreed with her.

Maker preserve her, maybe she truly was over thinking all of this. 

She knew how she felt when he looked at her. Her knees always weakened when he touched her. Her heart would skip a beat when he would direct a smile toward her and she always found herself wondering how his scarred lips would feel against her own. She wondered what it would feel like to be held in his strong arms not in comfort, but in passion instead. She wondered if his hair felt as soft as it looked.

Looking up at the stars, Tessa took a deep breath before finally coming to a conclusion in her head. 

She was going to take the leap of faith when she got back to Skyhold.

Andraste guide her.


	32. It's a nice day out

Skyhold was the busiest it has ever been. 

Cullen and Cassandra were constantly working with the Templars to create a system to keep watch over the remaining Grey Wardens. When Cullen wasn’t doing that, he put everything he could into training the new recruits that came after the Inquisition’s victory at Adamant became known throughout Thedas.

The withdrawals got worse as the month dragged on. There were some days moving even a little was too painful and he had to sit in bed and wait for the pain to pass before finally pushing himself up to pull on his armor. Whether he vomited or not depended on the day.

The only times it didn’t feel horrible was when he was playing chess—the game helped take his mind off the pain—or when he was spending time with Tessa, because she also took his mind off the pain.

Since she was so willing to be open about her experience at Adamant, Cullen decided it was finally time he started telling someone what truly happened to him in Ferelden. Even though he made this decision, it was still going to be a long process.

He had only told her that Kinloch went through a rebellion during the Blight and he hasn’t told her anything else.

Cullen’s muscles were exceptionally achy that day and he groaned a little as he rubbed at his temples. The past two weeks had been horrible because she wasn’t there.

Cullen was surprised when he felt anxiety grip him as she rode out of the gate before Hawke spoke to him. Adamant had shown him how human Tessa really was and that only made her seem stronger than ever, yet he saw how breakable she could be and that caused his overwhelming need to protect her grow.

Damn whatever excuses he was able to come up with before, Hawke was right, he cared about her. He wanted to protect her and watch over her and make sure she was safe, not let her ride off and possibly never return. He wanted to be the one who supported her and help her be the best leader she could be. 

Tessa also knew how broken he was becoming, yet she still smiled at him and treated him normally and he wanted to cling to that more than anything in his life. She didn’t treat him like the broken thing he was.

He pondered this as he waited with Leliana and Josephine near the entrance to Skyhold, awaiting the Inquisitor’s return. A raven had arrived the previous night, telling them that the Inquisitor and her party were to arrive around this time and Cullen had to stop himself from fidgeting as they waited.

Soon, he could spot Clover’s familiar black and white shape appearing on the bridge to Skyhold. He let out a laugh when he saw that Tessa was racing Blackwall and she and Clover were winning.

“I didn’t know the Inquisitor could ride so well,” Leliana stated, staring in surprise.

“I thought you knew everything, Leliana,” Josephine teased.

“I knew she liked to spend time in horse stalls, that didn’t mean she was good with them.”

Cullen could only smirk. If only they knew what he knew. He felt a surge of satisfaction when he realized that he was probably one of the few people Tessa really opened up to. Maker, he was in trouble.

His heart rate sped up and butterflies started to fly around in his stomach when she finally rode through the gates, laughing in victory. The deep ache he felt in his body seemed to lighten as she got closer and closer. It was as if her presence provided the healing touch he needed. 

Tessa gave Clover to a stable boy and she strode toward her advisers.

Cullen frowned when he realized that someone was missing from the group she left with.

“Where’s Solas?” Leliana asked.

Tessa sighed and gestured for them to follow her. She finally explained the situation in the safety of the war room.

“Well, let’s hope he returns. He has been helping us with situations concerning the Fade throughout this ordeal,” Josephine commented when Tessa told them what happened.

“As do I, he probably understands this mark better than I do,” Tessa said, waving her left hand around. She sighed and placed a stack of reports on the table. “I have them separated already for you all. Is there anything else we need to discuss at present?”

The advisers all looked at each other.

“No, Inquisitor, get some rest,” Josephine said with a kind smile.

Tessa smiled back. “Thank you, Josie.”

To Cullen’s confusion, the Inquisitor seemed to avoid looking at him throughout the whole meeting. She also seemed to keep Leliana or Josephine between them and it confused him even more. Did he do or say something wrong? He decided to not worry about it too much, knowing that Tessa would bring it up eventually. She was never one to let a problem fester. 

Cullen soon found himself back in his tower, just happy knowing that Tessa was back and she was safe once again. He began to ponder how he should approach the situation between them. He knew he cared about Tessa, but should he dare tell her? The way she acted during the meeting wasn’t encouraging him in the least. 

He found himself wanting to take that chance, despite everything he had thought about before. He remembered how his father used to put a large hand on his shoulder when he was a boy and tell him to take the good things in life as they come along and to not deny himself happiness when it was there for the taking.

Tessa made him happy and he was sure he could probably make her happy as well. He just needed the courage to take that chance now.

“You’re thinking about her, aren’t you Ser?”

Cullen jumped and looked up to see one of the head guards, Lynn, standing in his doorway.

“What?”

“Your ears turn pink and you actually grin whenever the Inquisitor’s involved. Jo and I have been calling it for weeks.” The soldier dropped a stack of reports from the morning patrols on his desk. “And, by the way, tell that damn qunari that Jo and I will stick him if he pranks Jim again Ser,” she seethed before marching out the door.

Cullen stared down at the reports before huffing out a laugh. Jo usually traveled out with the Inquisitor to take care of requisitions in the field and she corresponded to Cullen and the other advisers through Lynn. 

He thought about what Lynn just stated. Was he really that obvious? If he was, did Tessa notice?

The door to his office opened and he was surprised to see Tessa herself stepping in. She had changed and was now dressed in a simple blue tunic with a wide belt at the waist and her usual leather pants. Her hair was down and Cullen couldn’t help but stare at the red-gold curls.

She smiled at him and he couldn’t help but return the smile, despite his earlier confusion. He opened his mouth to say hello, but she beat him to it. “Can we talk…alone?” she looked nervous and she glanced at his doors. 

Cullen stared at her for a moment before clearing his throat. She meant she wanted to talk so a random soldier or scout couldn’t interrupt them. “Alone?” Maker’s breath, his voice was failing. “I-I mean, of course.”

Tessa opened the door to the left side of his office. “Care to go for a walk?”

He didn’t know how long they spent just aimlessly walking along the battlements, not saying a word, which was strange for them. It felt as if an electric shock went through his body every time his arm accidentally brushed against hers. Maker’s breath, he had to get a hold of himself. The silence wasn’t exactly awkward, it was just tense. 

Cullen knew that if there was going to be any time to tell her, it was now. After she told him what she wanted to speak of, of course. She probably wanted to address the reason she almost seemed to avoid him at the meeting. 

Cullen started to play out the possible scenarios in his head. She could possibly say she felt the same, which he desperately hoped she did. He didn’t know what he would do if he had to hold in what he was feeling any longer. His mind played out the worst case scenarios too. He imagined her just saying that she thought of him as a friend and it would be awkward for a long time. Or, she would be offended and tell him to never speak to her again. Cullen knew that he should probably not think of those possibilities before telling her how he felt. 

And of course, when he tried to break the silence, he was awkward. “It’s a nice day out,” he said quietly, rubbing the back of his head.

Tessa had seemed to be lost in her own thoughts and didn’t know how to respond. “What?”

They had stopped and Cullen noticed that they were on a more secluded spot on the battlements. Mustering up his courage, he gulped down the knot of nervousness in his throat and forced himself to lower his hand back to his side. “Its…” he stopped himself from repeating his earlier statement and decided to get to the matter at hand, “There was something you wished to discuss.”

Tessa worried her lower lip between her teeth, looking out at the landscape. Cullen found his gaze unintentionally looking at how her white teeth dug into the deep red of her lip. Maker’s breath... 

She finally looked back at him and quickly said, “Cullen, I care for you and—“ she stopped and let out a deep sigh, looking distressed.

Cullen was too shocked to say anything at first. She cared for him? Andraste’s knickers he was worried for nothing! His heart started to race and he quickly reached for a response in his brain, any response. “What’s wrong?” he asked quietly, taking a step toward her.

He wasn’t dreaming, was he? Was the lyrium finally making him hallucinate?

She looked away again before looking up into his eyes. Maker, her eyes seemed a more violet color in the sunlight and her hair was shining. He had to be dreaming.

Like she did when she was upset or nervous, she started to pace a little. “You left the Templars, but do you trust mages? Could you think of me as anything more?” she finally asked, coming to a halt in front of him. Her voice was small and quiet and she looked down bashfully, blushing.

Her question was like a punch to the stomach. Why would she believe that he would think that way? Wait…he had told her that he had distrusted mages at Kirkwall at some point and they had that small argument in Haven months ago. Cullen had never felt more stupid and he quickly wanted to rectify that mistake. He _needed_ to let her know he saw nothing bad in her.

“I could. I mean, I do…think of you, all the time.” He started to rub the back of his neck again. “And what I might say in this sort of situation,” he admitted quietly, stepping further toward the end of the battlement. His heart was starting to race in his chest and his mind was reeling. She _cared_ for him. He wanted to shout the fact off the battlement, but apparently everyone already knew this.

Tessa followed him and placed herself between him and the low wall. “So you don’t have a problem with me being a mage at all? “ She paused and continued, looking hopeful. “What’s stopping you then?”

Cullen’s first excuse that he usually used for himself popped up into his head and he couldn’t lie to her. “You’re the Inquisitor, and we’re at war. And you,” he paused and stepped closer to her, causing her to lean back against the wall, “I didn’t think it was possible.” 

Reaching up, he tucked her hair behind her ear, wishing he didn’t have his gloves on so he could see if it felt as soft as it looked. “I...you know how lyrium withdrawal effects people, and you have so much to worry about already, I didn’t think you would believe this was something worth pursuing.”

The breath seemed to be sucked out of Cullen’s lungs as she smiled at him. Andraste preserve him, she really was beautiful when she smiled. “And yet I’m still here.”

He had to be dreaming, but Maker, please don’t ever let him wake up. He stepped even closer to her until their faces were inches apart. “So you are…It seems too much to ask,” he said quietly, reaching forward to rest his hands on her waist. “But I want to…”

She closed her eyes as he leaned in and—

“Commander.”

Jim and his awful timing struck again.

Cullen closed his eyes and tried to compose himself. He couldn’t. He whipped around and glared at the boy. “What?!” he snapped.

“You wanted a copy of Sister Leliana’s report? You said ‘Without delay’.”

Cullen had never wanted to strangle Jim more than he did in that moment. He towered over the poor boy, glaring. He held the stare until Jim finally connected the dots in his head when he noticed the Inquisitor standing behind him.

“Or, to your office, right.” The soldier scurried away.

The Commander turned back around to see a flustered, red-faced Inquisitor. The sight only made him want to kiss her even more.

She still wouldn’t meet his gaze. Maker, she was adorable when she was flustered. “If you need to—“

Cullen didn’t let her finish. He reached forward and pressed his lips against hers, cradling the back of her head in one hand and pressing the other one to her waist to pull her closer. A surprised gasp escaped her and Cullen titled her head back to deepen the kiss.

It was better than anything Cullen could have ever imagined. He had kissed women before, but all of those memories were erased with this one. Tessa’s lips were slightly chapped, but still incredibly soft against his own. Her scent took over his senses and he could smell the soap she used and the faint tint of flowers from the garden. She tasted like the mint tea she drank in the mornings and she finally began to kiss him back. He could feel her small hand clutch at the fabric at his waist and she pulled him closer. 

His heart was threatening to burst from his chest it was racing so much. A fluttering feeling settled in his stomach and he felt as if an electric current was going through his veins. He was amazed at how a simple kiss could cause him to feel this way. A kiss never had this effect on him before. 

He finally forced himself to pull away and he rested his forehead against hers, taking deep breaths. “I’m sorry, I—“

“If you don’t kiss me again I’ll be very upset.” He knew she meant to be teasing, but the breathless tone of her voice with her hooded eyes caused the blood to quicken in his veins.

Well, Cullen didn’t want that happening.

He leaned forward, wrapping both of his arms around her waist as he kissed her. This kiss was more tender than the first one. He could feel her lips quirk into a grin against his and she wrapped her arms around his neck. Cullen couldn’t stop his own tiny grin.

For the first time in years, he felt at home.


	33. Bets

An eternal Fade dream, that’s what this felt like.

Ever since Cullen kissed her yesterday, Tessa felt like she was walking on clouds. She wasn’t anxious about what he thought anymore. She wasn’t second guessing glances or touches. She wasn’t eternally asking ‘what if?’

He cared about her too.

The Inquisitor didn’t care if anyone saw the goofy grin she had on her face because _Cullen **kissed** her._

Josephine, surprisingly, was the first one to comment on it.

“You two are finally together, yes? Varric owes me 20 silvers.”

Tessa had been sitting in one of Josephine’s chairs, helping the Ambassador reply to the King of Ferelden. He sent a long letter apologizing about unknowingly letting the Rebel mages join up with the Venatori in his kingdom and Tessa and Josephine had been pondering about how to respond...until Josephine suddenly said that.

The letter Tessa had been staring at slipped from her fingers. “There was a betting pool?”

“Oh yes. You two have been dancing around each other for months and Varric started it. I believe Sera, Iron Bull, Dorian, and Leliana are in on it as well.”

Instead of being irritated like she should have been, Tessa quirked a brow in curiosity. Suddenly, all of Dorian and Iron Bull’s attempts to get her to seduce the Commander made sense. “What were the terms?”

Josephine flashed her a sweet smile. “That’s not important. The important thing is I won and everyone owes me 20 silvers. I think I’m going to buy us both something nice for when we go to the Winter Palace.”

“Me too? Why?”

“If you didn’t finally step up, I would have lost. Everyone else either bet that he would initiate everything or it would not have happened for some time. You both are horribly shy and it’s adorable.”

Tessa shook her head, grinning. “I like green or blue, if you’re shopping for me. And make sure it will work for any possibility. We’re catching an assassin there.”

“I wouldn’t dream of getting you something impractical. We can’t have you chasing assassins in big skirts.”

“Thank you, Josie. Now, how are we going to reply to King Alistair?”

Josephine sighed, setting her quill down. “From what I know of the man and what Leliana has told me, he just wanted to help the mages. I can assure you that he had nothing to do with the Venatori.”

Tessa nodded. She knew this was most likely true, but the Inquisition still had to investigate. “What have Leliana and Cullen’s men discovered at Redcliffe?”

Tessa had ordered for agents to investigate the village after Dorian informed them of what happened there.

“The castle is full of magical artifacts and Leliana’s men have dealt with them accordingly. The mages here are studying them as we speak. Cullen’s soldiers and some of the Templars have also dealt with the remaining Venatori in the village and are helping the village get back on it’s feet. The Arl of Redcliffe should be returning shortly.”

“Good, let’s tell the King that we understand and we are investigating out of precaution. And,” Tessa smirked, “let’s suggest that he sends help and support to the Inquisition to make up for what happened.”

Josephine nodded and wrote the order down. “I will send a message right away, Inquisitor.”

Tessa sighed as another thought started to bubble up in her mind. It was strange to only hear from one of the monarchs of Ferelden. Many knew that the Hero of Ferelden and the King were almost one entity they worked together so much. “I wonder where the Queen is. Cassandra had mentioned that she had been missing for almost a year now.”

Josephine’s face fell. “No one knows. Leliana has searched everywhere and I’ve never seen her look so frustrated. They had kept in touch after the events of the Blight and Leliana told me it’s as if the Hero has fallen off the face of the earth, and the Hero is not known for subtlety.”

It was true, Queen Eryn Theirin carried out her duties during the Blight with the grace of a battering ram. The tales of her wit and blunt attitude were legendary. Yet, she made a great Queen. It seemed she knew when and when not to be a battering ram.

“Perhaps the King would know. I don’t know about you, but if my Queen had gone missing, I would be sending my whole army out to find her,” Tessa mused, reaching to read a report from Leliana.

Josephine nodded. “That was another thing that bewildered Leliana. She said that King Alistair is very protective, even more so after their heir was born. She doesn’t think he would just sit back either.” She paused and picked up a new quill and a new sheet of parchment. “I will ask Leliana to reach out to the King. She might be able to help us against Corypheus, since she faced an archdemon like his before.”

Tessa snorted. “You mean she’s killed one.” She tossed the report she held back on Josephine’s desk. “What I would give to meet the Hero of Ferelden. Maybe I can pull the Inquisitor card and meet her if we find her.”

“You would like her, Inquisitor,” Leliana said, stepping into the room, surprising both the Inquisitor and the Ambassador. “And I have done what you two have considered. Alistair chose to not tell me on Eryn’s request. He just told me to not worry and that he has had contact with her.”

Leliana crossed her arms. “It’s infuriating to say the least. I don’t know what could have possibly been important enough for Eryn to leave Alistair and their son for months.”

All three women pondered the question and only the thud of heavy boots caused them to look toward the door.

Tessa perked up, expecting to see the Commander, but her brother opened the door instead. With his hand still on the door handle, he stared at the scene before him in surprise. “Sorry, I’ll just go,” he quickly mumbled, closing the door again.

The Inquisitor wondered why he was back so early. He had sent word saying that he would return from Adamant that evening, not that afternoon.

And, to make the situation better, Josephine was actually blushing.

Leliana arched a brow down at the Ambassador. “Explain.”

Josephine started to shuffle the papers on her desk around. “I don’t have to explain anything.”

Tessa and Leliana knew better.

The Inquisitor finally was able to leave Josephine’s office many hours later after sorting through every blighted letter in the room. It was time for dinner when she stepped out into the main hall and she frowned when she didn’t see her Commander among the many faces there. She immediately knew that he probably was up in his office, working.

She filled a plate with enough food for two and managed to sneak out of the main hall without too many people noticing. She made it up to his tower and knocked on the door. 

“Enter.”

Tessa rolled her eyes and poked her head in. “You don’t have to act all serious all the time you know,” she teased with a cheeky grin.

Cullen looked up from the massive piles of paperwork on his desk and he grinned. “I didn’t know it was you,” he chuckled, moving to stand up. 

“Ah ah! It’s alright, I just brought dinner,” Tessa announced, gently shoving on his shoulder so he would sit again.

He gave her a grateful smile before running his fingers through his hair. “Thank you.”

Tessa grinned and pecked his cheek. Her heart fluttered at the feeling of his rough stubble against her lips. “You’re welcome.”

They ate their dinner as they both sorted through the papers on his desk. “Maybe you should have someone sort through all of these before you have to look at them,” Tessa suggested, tilting her head as she tried to make out Captain Rylen’s messy scrawl.

“I would, but then requisition reports would be put with scout reports and then troop movement would be put with reports on the barrack’s condition and it’s just a headache,” he grumbled.

Tessa arched a brow. “I feel like sorting it yourself is a bigger headache.”

Cullen shrugged. “At least it’s done right.”

The Inquisitor rolled her eyes and stood from her spot on the desk. She started to browse through his books, tilting her head as she looked for new titles. 

“If you’re looking for books to read to pass the time, I’m afraid you've already read most of what I have,” Cullen stated.

Tessa shrugged. “You’re looking at the woman who would hide in a library for hours with spell books and books on arcane theory. I’m sure I can entertain myself with the rest of your collection,” she laughed.

“Then by all means, take what you want.”

Tessa grinned. This had become sort of a ritual for them, even before they began their relationship. If she was holed up in her quarters with paperwork or something of the sort, Cullen would just bring his own work up there and they would work in silence together. That began when he just happened to just start working on his own papers in her room after delivering a message to her and getting caught up in a conversation about Adamant.

Some nights, she would come down to his office with her work or with a book to read because no one thought to look for the Inquisitor in the Commander’s office. She enjoyed the peace and quiet of these hours, and it also helped that he was the one she was working with because he only spoke to her when he needed her opinion on something.

The Inquisitor never got to just sit still most of the day and she enjoyed spending time with Cullen like this. Only...this was the first night that they were actually involved while doing this. 

She plucked a random book from the shelf so she could have something to hold onto to calm her jittery hands. She plopped down on the plush chair she had managed to talk him into getting and she curled up to start reading the book.

The book she ended up picking turned out to be a story book from Ferelden. Many of the pages were dog eared and she saw notes written in the Commander’s crisp, clear handwriting in the margins on the pages. 

Some said, ‘Rosalie's favorite’ or ‘Mia really liked this one’. Most of the stories involved a dashing hero saving the world in a way. There was one that Cullen had written many things like ‘Rosalie drove me nuts’ in the margins. It was about a woman and her trusty mabari and how they traveled across Ferelden to steal from the rich and give to the needy. 

“Ah, _‘The Wild Woman of Ferelden’_ ,” Cullen grumbled.

Tessa looked up to see the Commander standing in front of her, grinning.

“I take it your sister particularly enjoyed this one?” Tessa teased. 

Cullen rolled his eyes, gently pulling her up and sitting in the seat in her place. He then pulled her down onto his lap, causing her to blush. He wasn’t wearing his armor, just his normal tunics and cloak, but he still felt as solid as the armor he wore. 

Maker, she probably won’t be able to focus on the book now. 

“Yes, she was infuriating because she would run off with the farm dog and try to do what she did. I can’t tell you how many times Branson and I chased her through the village.”

His arms wrapped loosely around her waist and Tessa couldn’t help but grin. “As a little sister, I can tell you that she did it just to annoy you both.”

Cullen’s brows almost went to his hairline. “You mean you annoyed your brothers? I can’t imagine that," he laughed. A teasing glint was in his amber eyes.

Tessa pinched his arm before looking back down at the pages of the book. “She almost sounds like the Hero of Ferelden. You know, traveling across Ferelden with a rag tag team and her mabari, saving the world and all?”

Cullen smirked. “I heard they play the song about this story around her all the time.”

Tessa grinned and leaned against his chest. “If they start singing songs about me, I’ll electrocute something.”

“I truly hate to tell you this, but they probably are already.”

Tessa groaned and buried her face into the fur on his cloak. Deciding to change the subject, she mumbled, “The Herald of Andraste and the Commander of the Inquisition. How many tongues do you think are wagging about that?”

She could practically _hear_ Cullen’s eyes roll. “I would rather keep my--our--private affairs personal, but I would be worried if the men didn’t have anything to talk about either.”

Tessa sat up straight again, grinning widely. “You know there was a betting pool on us, right?”

Cullen groaned. “I know. Iron Bull almost clubbed me over the head this morning because he lost money to Josephine.”

Tessa tried to imagine the situation and he couldn’t stop her laughter if she tried.

She also made a note to knock Iron Bull over the head with her staff the next time she saw him.


	34. Is this real?

“That’s it!”

Cullen was forced to help look for daggers for the 15th time that day and he has had enough. He was going to march up to the Inquisitor’s office and force her to talk to Cole. Cullen knew the spirit was behind all of it.

Unfortunately, the Inquisitor wasn’t in her office and Cullen was forced to start asking her friends.

“Try the Tavern, Curly,” Varric had said.

So, Cullen tried the Tavern. Upon his arrival, Iron Bull and Krem just pointed up the stairs. He nodded to them in thanks and went to the second floor; where Sera loudly informed him that ‘Quizzie’ wasn’t on this floor either.

He finally made it to the third floor and was surprised to see Tessa already talking to the source of his current problems.

“Why did you do that, Cole?” she was saying.

“They were safer there,” Cole replied.

Tessa tilted her head. “Safer than on someone’s belt, where they could draw them in the heat of an argument?”

“They would have been sad later,” the spirit paused and looked toward Cullen.

Oh no.

“He is quiet, behind the noise. The little bottle makes him shake, but he tests the chains.”

“Thank you, Cole,” Cullen said firmly, stepping toward them. He crossed his arms. “Is the dagger problem going to continue?”

Tessa shrugged, giving him an apologetic look. “I’m sorry. I heard about it as well, but he’s just trying to help.”

Cullen sighed heavily through his nose. “Fine, but you need to tell me where you hide the blasted things. I can’t be wasting time playing ‘where’s-the-dagger?’.”

“Control. Control makes the headaches lessen. He-”

“Thank you, Cole,” Tessa interrupted, holding back a grin.

“Clouds are at her feet. Heart races faster than usual when she’s near hi--”

“Thank you!” Tessa said firmly, quirking an expectant brow at the spirit. “Remember what we spoke of before the daggers?”

“Yes.”

“I expect you to help by not saying those things aloud. Sometimes they belong just in someone’s head.”

Cole nodded and Tessa turned to the Commander. “Do you have some time?”

All of the things Cullen should have been doing flew out of his mind as she looked up at him. “Give me a moment, then I’m yours,” he said quietly.

Tessa beamed up at him and he felt like the breath was knocked from his lungs. “Good! I was hoping we could take Clover and Phillip out.”

“I’ll meet you at the stables.”

Cullen quickly gave orders to his lieutenants for the remaining practice drills and sent the last of his messages away with Jim before hurrying toward the stables.

Tessa was already waiting for him with the reins of both of their horses in her hands. “That was quick,” she teased.

Cullen took the reins from her and leaned forward so that his face was close to hers. “Are you complaining, Lady Inquisitor?”

He almost lost control when she looked at his lips before looking into his eyes again. “Not at all,” she breathed out.

Blast, if he and Tessa hadn’t decided to try to keep their relationship as private as possible a month ago, he would have kissed her then and there.

They finally rode out of the gates of Skyhold and Tessa smirked over at him before kicking Clover into a gallop. Cullen wasn’t taken by shock, though. He kicked Phillip and caught up with her. Tessa led them down a faint trail in the forest until a small clearing came into view. Wildflowers were scattered throughout the field in the early spring sunshine.

They slowed to a halt and Tessa dismounted. “I saw this little meadow from my room at Skyhold. I suppose there are perks to being that high up,” she explained, tying Clover’s reins to a small tree.

Cullen dismounted as well and followed suit. “It’s beautiful.”

Tessa grinned and sat on the ground, leaning back against another tree’s larger trunk. She patted the spot beside her. Cullen stepped forward and pressed a little on her shoulder, causing her to lean forward. Her confused expression turned into a shy blush when he placed himself between her and the tree. She scooted forward and leaned back again once he was settled behind her.

His wrapped his arms around her shoulders and a warm feeling surrounded him when she rested her head back against his shoulder, causing her hair to brush against his cheek.

Cullen turned his head a little and pressed his lips to the top of her head. The scent of flowers mingled with her own unique scent overcame him as he breathed. “Did you ever think this would happen?” she suddenly asked.

“No.”

Tessa turned her head a little. “May I ask why?”

Cullen wondered if he should tell her all of the doubts he had--still had. His mouth worked before his brain could. “There aren’t many who would put up with a sobering lyrium addict.”

Tessa reached up and rested her hands on his arms, rubbing circles into his sleeves with her thumbs. “I would.”

A small huff of laughter escaped from him. Maker, he was a lucky man.

Her next question caught him off guard. “That day on the battlements, how long have you wanted to do that?”

Cullen sighed with a small laugh. He was amazed at how he still felt giddy about that moment even after a month. “Longer than I should admit.”

Of course, she had to embarrass him. “How long? According to Josie and other sources, we’ve been dancing around each other for months.”

Cullen buried his face into her hair again. “Remember when I caught you sneaking raspberries out of the kitchen that day in Haven?”

Tessa turned so she could fully look at him. Her eyes were wide with shock. “Oh,” she whispered, blushing.

Cullen leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her lips and his heart skipped a beat when he heard her sigh happily.

He almost couldn’t believe he was there. He had spent so long believing that no one would care for him after what happened at Kinloch and Kirkwall. Yet, this amazing woman was here, telling him that she cared.

They broke apart, keeping their faces close still, breath mingling with each other’s. Tessa’s fingers were now caressing over his jawline. “How did this happen?” she asked, running a thumb over the scar on his lip, causing more butterflies to start fluttering in his stomach.

“It happened sometime during the rebellion at Kirkwall. It was all a blur.”

His lips had barely brushed against the skin of her thumb as he spoke and he couldn’t resist the urge to turn his head and press kisses to her other fingertips.

She smiled down at him and started to move her hand higher until they started to gently run through his hair.

“I honestly didn’t think we would end up here either,” she admitted.

Cullen closed his eyes and sighed. The sensation of her fingers going through his hair was the most relaxing thing he ever felt. He was pulled back to when his mother used to do the same.

“Was it because of the Mage-Templar complex?” he asked, slightly opening one eye to grin at her.

Tessa rolled her eyes. “Maybe, and the fact that I have the romantic finesse of a horse.”

“I think it’s better than that,” Cullen laughed, tugging off his gloves. He reached up and pulled her hair--which was tied back with a simple cord today--over her shoulder. He caught one curly lock between his fingers and he marveled at how soft it was.

She arched a brow. “I asked you about celibacy vows I already knew weren’t required.”

“Besides that.”

A giggle escaped from her and Cullen reached forward and pulled her close for another kiss.

The moment would have been perfect if the withdrawal pain didn’t kick in. He tensed and pulled away, sucking in a deep breath as his muscles tensed up. He quickly let go of her and kept his hands to his side as his body started to shake. “I’m sorry,” he managed to choke out.

Instead of saying anything, Tessa moved them to where she was situated on his lap and she pulled his arms around her waist. She held his head to where her neck met her shoulder and she whispered encouragement to him whenever his muscles seized painfully.

They remained like that long after the pain had passed.

“Does it always happen like that?”

Cullen was mortified that she witnessed what just happened, but relieved at the same time. The pain wasn’t as horrible while she was holding him. He kept his eyes closed, just holding her close. “Usually. I’m going to get a headache in a few minutes.”

Tessa’s hold around him tightened. “I know healing magic if--”

“It doesn’t work. I’ve already had someone try,” Cullen interrupted, running his hand up and down her back. “I just wait until it passes.”

He felt her nod and her fingers started to run through his hair again. “I wish I could help.”

Cullen let out a soft laugh. “You already are.”

He didn’t know how long they stayed underneath the tree. Tessa only agreed to move when he told her his headache wasn’t as severe. The ride back to Skyhold was long and slow and Tessa filled the air with ramblings the whole time.

All he could do was look over at the beautiful woman next to him as she animatedly talked about why she preferred lightning and fire magic, after he asked, of course.

How did he deserve this?

He asked himself that question long into the night. He stayed up, doing work that didn’t really need to be done at the moment. He had removed most of his armor, leaving him in his tunic, pants, and boots. The sounds of crickets and the occasional caw of one of Leliana’s ravens were the only things that could be heard. Cullen’s dilemma remained, despite the peaceful aura. After all that had happened to him, he was scared to believe that what he had with Tessa was real.

“But it is real.”

Cullen looked up and he balked when he saw a blonde haired, green eyed mage from ten years ago standing in front of him. She started to slowly turn into the thing he feared most. Her pale skin started to turn a sickly shade of gray. Horns started to sprout out of her head and her teeth sharpened. He shoved away from his desk, reaching for the knife he kept at his hip.

“I’m real too, Cullen. I could be yours,” the demon said with Solona’s voice.

“No! Stay back!”

Cullen slashed through the air with his knife, growling in frustration when the demon still remained.

“Don’t you love me? Why are you trying to hurt me?”

“NO!”

The Commander threw his knife as a last ditch effort and the sight in front of him disappeared when it clattered against the door on the other side of his office.

He was alone.

Cullen sank down into his desk chair, clutching at his hair in despair.

He was seeing things. He was actually _seeing_ things.

He couldn’t do this anymore.


	35. Perseverance

“You’re telling me that we have almost nothing on lyrium here outside of the ‘Templar handbook’?” Tessa grumbled, tossing the Canticle of Transfigurations aside.

Dorian made a tsking sound across from her, looking through a book called _‘Minerals of the Thaig’_. “I have been telling you to update your library. And you haven’t told me exactly why we’re looking this up.”

“How does Tevinter deal with lyrium?”

“It’s not as closely guarded as it is here. There’s not as big of a need for it. Our Templars are a joke, remember?”

Tessa cursed and moved back to the tome of magical substances. She had to get to the bottom of Cullen’s withdrawal. Seeing him in pain was horrible and Tessa wasn’t going to let him go through it if he didn’t have to. _You could convince him to take lyrium again, that would get rid of the pain,_ an evil voice muttered in her brain.

She shook the thought away. No, this was Cullen’s choice and she was going to support him, just like he supported her so many times in the past.

Right as she thought this, Jim came running into the library. “Inquisitor, Lady Pentaghast has asked for you. She’s waiting in her room,” he informed with a salute.

Tessa looked at Dorian in confusion. Why would Cassandra want her? “Thank you, Jim. I’ll go to her right away.”

After bookmarking her place in the tome, Tessa started to hurry down to the courtyard. It was strangely quiet, since the troops have finished training early.

Tessa opened the door to the armory and the sight before her confused her even more. 

Cullen and Cassandra seemed to be in a standoff and neither of them looked happy. The fur around Cullen’s shoulders actually seemed to bristle as he scowled at the Seeker. “You asked for my opinion, and I’ve given it. Why would you expect it to change?” Cassandra snapped.

“I expect you to keep your word,” Cullen growled. “It’s relentless. I can’t—“

“You give yourself too little credit,” Cassandra interrupted.

Cullen pinched the bridge of his nose. “If I’m unable to fulfill what vows I kept, then nothing good has come of this. Would you rather save face than admit—”

“What’s going on?” Tessa finally said. She didn’t know if Cassandra meant for her to see this, but now she was involved whether the other two parties liked it or not.

Cullen avoided her gaze and let out a heavy sigh before and started to walk away right as she crossed the room. “Forgive me,” he whispered, striding to the door.

Tessa stared after him, dumbfounded. What just happened?

Cassandra let out her famous disgusted noise. “And people say I’m stubborn. This is ridiculous.” The Seeker looked at her. “Cullen told you that he’s no longer taking lyrium?”

Tessa frowned. “Yes, and I respect his decision.”

“As do I. Not that he’s willing to listen. Cullen has asked that I recommend a replacement for him. I refused. It’s not necessary. ”

The words hit Tessa like a punch to the gut.

Cassandra sighed. “Besides, it would destroy him. He’s come so far.”

The Seeker’s words caused a lump to start forming in Tessa’s throat and her heart started to sink. “Why didn’t he come to me?” she asked quietly. She had made him promise to tell her anything and everything. She pulled the Inquisitor card for crying out loud!

Cassandra obviously didn’t know about this order. “We had an agreement long before you joined us. As a Seeker, I could evaluate the dangers. And he wouldn’t want to...risk your disappointment.”

Flashes of what Tessa saw in the Fade at Adamant started to come to mind. She remembered Cullen’s fear in the graveyard being Failure. It all made sense now. He had experienced what he viewed as failure so many times in his past and Tessa knew he was giving everything he had to succeed now. Cassandra was right, it would destroy him.

Tessa refused to let the man’s stubbornness win. She knew Cullen could succeed and she knew he could get through this. If she could become the Inquisitor and survive the impossible, he could defeat this. “Is there anything we can do to change his mind?”

“If anyone could, it’s you. I’ve already told him my opinion.” Cassandra looked toward the fireplace, crossing her arms. “Mages have made their suffering known, but Templars never have. They are bound to the Order, mind and soul, with someone always holding their lyrium leash. Cullen has a chance to break that leash, to prove to himself—and anyone who would follow suit—that it’s possible. He can do this. I knew that when we met in Kirkwall.”

Cassandra shook her head. “He told me that he has started seeing hallucinations, but I know that is from him not sleeping. Anyone can hallucinate if they work on two hours of sleep. Talk to him. Decide if now is the time.”

The Seeker began to walk back to her quarters, leaving Tessa with her thoughts. The faces of her grandfather and her brother crossed her mind, thinking about how they were on the same leash…or used to be in her grandfather’s case. Was it possible? She left for the Circle before she could see how her grandfather was truly affected. It had to be possible, her grandfather was still alive and sane as far as she and Gavin knew.

Frederick Trevelyan had married her grandmother with permission from the Chantry long ago when his older siblings died and he had to take control of the Trevelyan estate. He had only just retired from the Order shortly after Tessa was born and Tessa knew he had to be going through withdrawal the whole time she knew him. She remembered the kind look in her grandfather’s gaze and how he wasn’t surprised to know that she was a mage. He had watched her all those years and didn’t say anything to anyone to protect her.

Emotion overcame Tessa and she made her decision.

Steeling herself, she strode out of the armory and made her way to the battlements.

What went wrong in the short span of time since yesterday?

Yesterday, everything was fine. But today, it was as if Cullen had taken ten steps back instead of forward.

The Commander’s door was open and Tessa barely saw the box flying in the corner of her eye to dodge it in time. It crashed into the open door, clattering to the floor.

Cullen looked mortified, leaning against his desk. “Maker’s breath! I didn’t hear you enter. I—“ He stood up straight and shook his head. “Forgive me.”

Tessa looked down at the broken lyrium kit, heart still racing from the initial shock. The shards of the glass bottle were cluttered around her feet and the small statuette of Andraste was among them. Tessa promptly shut the door. “Cullen, if you need to talk—”

“You don’t have to—” He fell against his desk with a groan, hardly bracing himself up with one hand. He looked at her but didn’t meet her eyes. “I never meant for this to interfere.”

Tessa stepped closer to him, reaching out and resting her hand on his. _Talk to me, look at me please,_ she silently begged. “Are you going to be alright?”

“Yes.” He answered quickly. He looked away again for a moment before sighing. “I don’t know.”

He pulled away from her, almost backing up to the wall. The pain she remembered seeing whenever Ferelden’s Circle came up was returning to his face and his breath started to quicken. “You asked what happened to Ferelden’s Circle. It was taken over by abominations.” He started to pace, wringing his hands. “The Templars—my friends—were slaughtered or worse.”

Tessa didn’t know what to say. She knew there was a rebellion there many years ago, Cullen and Gavin have said so, but abominations? That meant blood magic. _Oh Cullen…_

Cullen turned completely away from her and looked out the window. He looked older than he was and she could tell he was barely keeping his composure by the way he held his hands in front of himself. His fingers kept tightening into fists and then relaxing. The leather of his gloves would creak with the motions.

Tessa had never seen him so tense and she wanted to reach forward and wrap her arms around him and try to take the pain away, but she felt that wasn’t what he needed. She remained silent, like he did for her at Adamant. She suddenly remembered what Cole said yesterday. He needed control, control helped him. She put on the mask of the Inquisitor, the epitome of what control should be. 

“I was tortured. They tried to break my mind. They used my own desires against me. And I—” She saw his throat bob as he gulped down a shaky breath as he let out a laugh with no humor. “How can you be the same person after that?”

He was starting to crumble in on himself and Tessa’s heart ached for him.

“Still, I wanted to serve.” He finally turned toward her again, waving a hand. “They sent me to Kirkwall. I trusted my Knight-Commander, and for what, hm?” he growled, “Her fear of mages ended in madness.”

He turned away again. “Kirkwall’s Circle fell. Innocent people died in the streets. Can’t you see why I want nothing to do with that life?” He was looking toward her again and Tessa didn’t know what to say. The pain and anger was rolling off of him in waves and she wanted to soothe the ache, but she didn’t know how.

She stepped closer to him. “Of course I can. I—”

Cullen’s face fell into a deeper frown. “Don’t. You should be questioning what I’ve done,” he argued as he began to pace.

_Questioning what? What he did at Kirkwall?_ Tessa asked herself, putting her hands on her hips to keep her from reaching out to him.

Cullen let out a shaky breath before continuing. “I thought this would be better—that I would regain some control over my life.” He was pacing in front of her and he dragged a hand down his face. “But these thoughts won’t leave me...” he snarled.

His breaths started to come faster and Tessa thought he was going to start hyperventilating in a moment. “How many lives depend on our success? I swore myself to this cause!”

His hands began to shake as he gestured wildly. “I will not give less to the Inquisition than I did the Chantry.” His hands shook and his face contorted into rage. “I should be taking it!”

Tessa jumped when he suddenly lashed out at the bookshelf nearby, causing many books and papers to tumble to the floor. “I should be taking it,” he whispered.

The practical side of Tessa told her to let him take lyrium again. The mask of the Inquisitor told her that it would be best for the Inquisition and they could try to prove that survival from lyrium withdrawal was possible after Corypheus was dealt with.

Tessa Trevelyan thought otherwise. Her heart and Cassandra’s words won. This was his choice, his own mission. The life he lived before caused him more pain than he deserved and Tessa wanted him to sever the chains that held him to it. She stepped closer, taking a deep breath and forcing her voice to be steady. _Control, he needs control,_ she reminded herself.

“This doesn’t have to be about the Inquisition. Is this what _you_ want?” she demanded softly.

She finally reached his side and forced herself to keep eye contact. She had to be strong for him, to be the crutch to lean on and hand to hold in this time of need. In order to do that, she had to be unyielding. The Inquisitor could do that.

He let out a sigh and all of the anger and tension in his body seemed to melt away with it as his fist dropped back to his side. “No. But...these memories have always haunted me--if they become worse, if I...If I cannot endure this…” he trailed off and looked away from her and Tessa could see him crumbling inside. He believed he failed.

Reaching up, she gently cupped his cheek in her hand, running her thumb along his scar. _Look at me,_ she silently begged.

It was as if she said the words aloud. His amber eyes met hers and she gave him an encouraging smile. “You can.” It was an order, but also encouragement. The Inquisitor gave the order, the woman behind it offered the rest.

Their gazes held for many moments before he finally let out a long exhale, reaching up and resting his hand on top of hers. His fingers curled around her own. “All right.”

Tessa gently lowered her hand and pulled him toward his desk. She had him sit down at his chair and she leaned her hips back against the desk. She reached forward and held his hands. “My father always said that bottling up ugly things always eats you inside out. Tell me everything you can,” she said quietly, running her thumbs across the back of his hands.

She knew it took a great amount of courage for him to tell her his fears just now, but she was tired of not knowing what his inner demons were. How was she supposed to help him if she didn’t know? And what did he mean by questioning what he did?

Cullen looked down at their hands, remaining quiet for many moments. For a moment, she knew she had pushed too far and she opened her mouth to apologize, but his grip around her hands tightened as he took a deep breath, staring down at the floor now.

“It started out like any normal day. I was on patrol in the apprentice quarters when we heard the screams from upstairs. We made sure the apprentices and children were safe before going up to investigate. There were abominations and demons everywhere.” He let out a shaky breath and shook his head. “It was horrible. I recognized what was left of the abominations’ faces sometimes. It was either a mage or Templar I knew.”

Tessa squeezed his hands and she regretted staying standing. She wanted to be close to him like she was yesterday.

“Desire demons were everywhere. Some took control of some Templars. We found one of our men and he led us to the corridor outside of the Harrowing chamber, we believed that he was leading us to the blood mages...but he was being controlled by a demon and had led us into a trap. The blood mages held us in a cage that we couldn’t break. I don’t know how long we were there. It felt like weeks,” he swallowed and Tessa could hear how his throat was closing up.

She gave into her urge to be closer to him. Stepping closer between his legs, she wrapped her arms around his neck and just held him close, fighting back her own tears. Gavin had told her the basics of the rebellion and how many people died, but she never heard about what happened to the people that survived.

“They would drag mages and Templars alike into the Harrowing chamber...the screams we heard coming from it.” He paused and finally reached up and wrapped his arms around her waist, burying his face into her shirt. “Demons taunted us the whole time,” he choked out.

He let out a shaky laugh. “I was a fool. I had an infatuation for a mage at the time. A desire demon picked up on that right away. She kept taunting me with Solona and it was horrible.”

Tessa tightened her hold around him, running her fingers through his hair. She wanted to shoulder all of his pain for him. She also wanted to use the time traveling magic Dorian spoke of and use it to go back and electrocute the blood mages that caused this.

“Soon, I—” he let out a gasp to cover up the sob that was trying to escape. “I was the only one left. That was when the Hero of Ferelden and her party arrived…” He reached up and tried to push Tessa away, but she wouldn’t let him. “Tess, the things I said to her. You would have hated me. I wanted her to kill the mages that remained. I was unfair to mages for years after that. The things I let happen in Kirkwall alone--”

Tessa shook her head. “I could never hate you,” she said quietly, cutting off his confession. What scared her was the fact that she couldn’t. He was beginning to mean too much to her and she couldn’t remember ever caring for someone this much.

“You don’t know what I was like. I—”

“You had just gone through a traumatic experience! The fact you regret everything you did now means more than you think it does,” she argued, stepping back and holding his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her.

His eyes were glazing over with unshed tears and he looked broken and small in her hands. Dark circles were under his eyes and his haggard appearance caused her heart to ache for him.

Tessa threw caution to the wind and pulled him close again. She needed to let him know that she didn’t care about what he did in the past. Yes, she was shocked that he would make such a request, but she believed what she said. He had been tortured and probably exhausted and traumatized when the Hero found him. She also knew how an experience like that can change someone.

His hands slowly came up and he held her close again. They sat in silence for what seemed like hours. Tessa kept stroking her fingers through his hair, causing it to slightly come out of its perfect style. She could see why Varric called him Curly now.

The Inquisitor didn’t know how to make the man in her arms feel better. He was still trembling a little and he kept his face buried where her neck met her shoulder. She rested her cheek on the top of his head. She thought about her own past and how she had felt when she had to tell the First Enchanter and the Knight Commander what happened to her many years ago. She was so afraid about them judging her. Cullen could be feeling the same way at the moment. 

“This doesn’t change anything. I still care about you,” she whispered against his temple, pressing kisses to the side of his head. 

His hold around her tightened. “How can you not see me differently? I am not proud of who I was.”

With a grin, the Inquisitor played with the hair at the nape of his neck. She finally could see how she could help him, even a little. “And is that man here right now?”

He sighed, remaining silent for many tense moments before admitting, “No.”

“Then that settles it. I happen to care very much about the man you _are_ , and that’s what matters.”

“I still have a hard time believing that.”

“Considering all of the other things I have done, I’m sure this is low on the list of miracles.”

That got a little chuckle out of him. “I’m sorry for all of this…I never wanted to be a burden to you. You already have enough to deal with and—“

“You are not and never will be a burden, you silly man,” Tessa huffed with a small smile. “I probably cause you more trouble than you cause me. I should be the one apologizing.”

“Don’t even think—“

“See how silly it is? So stop it.”

The sun was beginning to set and the room started to darken as its golden glow slowly started to crawl along the floor. They both were content to just sit together; Tessa playing with Cullen’s hair and him gently running his fingers along her back.

“Are you feeling better?” she asked, twirling some of his hair around her finger.

“A little. The pain is still there, but the headache disappeared,” he admitted. He sighed and his eyes met hers again. “Thank you, for listening.”

Tessa pecked him on the lips again. “I’m always here for you, even when I’m out in the field. I’m a letter away, you know that right?”

“The Inquisition—“

“Has many members that are competent enough to survive without us for hours at a time,” she cut in. Tessa stepped back and pulled him up after her. “Up the ladder, now,” she gently ordered.

“But—”

“Please?”

He stared at her for a moment before nodding and following her order. Tessa climbed up after him and she looked around his sleeping area. His bed sat unmade in the middle against the wall. A couple bookshelves lined the wall across from her and a few barrels were placed there to serve as tables for now. An open chest full of clothing sat in the corner near the bookshelves and a tree was climbing its way up the wall in the corner. A blush started to rise up on her cheeks when she realized their situation.

The embarrassing thoughts disappeared when she felt a draft coming in from a very large hole in his roof. “Why is there a hole the size of a druffalo in your ceiling?” she asked, putting her hands on her hips as she pouted up at it.

“I just haven’t put in a requisition form for it. I will do it soon.”

Tessa knew him better than that. “You mean you’ll do it when the rest of Skyhold is complete?”

Cullen actually looked sheepish, despite how tired and ragged he looked. Tessa figured she didn’t look much better. “It...helps with the nightmares sometimes.”

Alright, she could ignore the giant hole...for now.

“Armor off. You’re going to bed.”

“What? Don’t be ridiculous, I-”

“It’s almost night time so it’s not ridiculous. You need to get some sleep.”

He opened his mouth to argue, but Tessa wasn’t having it. She saw what this was doing to him and she knew he wouldn’t be able to fight off the withdrawal if he wasn’t healthy. “Dorian and I did some research today. The little we could find told us that lyrium withdrawal causes muscle ache and spasms, sweats, and insomnia. Do you know what happens when you don’t sleep?”

Thank the Maker that she could finally put her skills as a healer to good use. It was funny how she was fully depending on the skills she didn’t want to learn.

Cullen sighed and gave her an exasperated look. “The lyrium causes madness and-”

“The insomnia causes difficulty sleeping. If you don’t sleep, you get headaches and have a higher risk of getting sick and if it continues for long enough, you start to hallucinate and your mind deteriorates. Cassandra told me about it. Now, armor off. Bed now,” she ordered, pointing toward the mattress.

Cullen rolled his eyes and started to unbuckle and slowly take off his armor. Once he was down to his tunic and breeches, he sat on the bed. “I won’t be able to sleep the whole night anyway, I—”

“Why do you think I’m still here, silly?”

He visibly stiffened. “What?”

Tessa plopped down on the bed. “Do you trust me?”

“Of course.”

She bit her lip, wondering if what she was about to propose was a good idea. “I know you said healing magic doesn’t help with the pain lyrium causes, but I can help with the sleeping problem. I know some spells. I don’t know how you feel about having magic cast around-”

“I trust you, Tess.”

He said it with so much sincerity it caused her throat to close up as an emotion she couldn’t name swept through her. She reached out to him and took his uncovered hand in her own. Maker, it was as calloused as she thought it would be. Tessa shook the bad thoughts from her mind. She could appreciate how handsome he was when he was feeling better, not now.

“I can stay here and make sure the spell works.”

He looked at her for many moments. “It’s hardly appropriate for you to be—”

“I’ll be above the covers. I’m here to help you,” Tessa bit her lip and squeezed his hand. “Please, just let me help you. I want to see you get better. I can’t have you quit on me. You’re my Commander. I need you to…” She thought of the right words to say. “Command things for me.”

Cullen stared at her for many moments before a tired chuckle bubbled past his lips. “That’s all I’m good for, hm?”

Tessa intertwined her fingers with his, giving them a squeeze. “Among other things.”

A tiny grin reached his lips and Tessa was glad to see him relax a little. “All right.”

“Lie down.”

Cullen got situated in the bed and Tessa scooched closer to his side. “Just relax.”

She started to mutter the words for the spell, holding her hand above his forehead. She kept the amount of energy in the spell to a minimum, since the lyrium in his body would probably make it react differently. She let out a yawn and flopped down on the mattress next to him.

“I’m sorry you have to—“

“I thought we already discussed this,” Tessa huffed, playfully elbowing him. Tessa then placed wards to keep the Fade from pulling him into dreams. “I’m doing this because I care about you silly, not to make you owe me something. And I’d gladly do it every night if it made you feel better.”

Her heart started to thud when she realized what she just said and where she was saying it. She glanced over at him, expecting to find another excuse forming on his lips, but what she saw caused her heart to race faster. Disbelief and awe, those were the only words she could think of to describe how he was looking at her.

She turned on her side and propped her head up on her elbow, trying to ignore how her face was beginning to burn up. “Are you okay?” she teased.

“I’ve never…no one has ever—“

Tessa reached forward and pressed her fingertips to his lips. “Sleep, I’ll be here if you need me.”

The spell was finally kicking in and his eyelids fluttered shut. His breathing slowed and he finally relaxed. Tessa stared at the sight before her, thanking the Maker for allowing her to catch a glimpse of it. The worry lines that seemed permanently etched on his forehead and around his mouth were nonexistent now. The crow’s feet forming at the corners of his eyes seemed to slowly fade away.

Tessa began to wonder what today would mean for their relationship. She didn’t think it would drive a wedge between them. 

She wished she could tell him about her past as well so neither of them could have anything hidden...but she knew that telling him while he was so drained would not have been a good idea. The Inquisitor was glad that he was willing to trust her with so much. She knew how vulnerable and exposing that could be...and she knew that she would have to be the same way eventually with him. But, she would be okay with it when the time came.

Tessa knew this because she felt something she rarely felt while being in someone else’s arms when she was with Cullen.

Safety.

Ever since Haven, Tessa’s description of safety had been how Cullen’s arms felt when wrapped around her when he found her in the snow. Safety was the way he looked at her when she came back from missions. Safety was the way he towered next to her when they were playing the part of the Commander and the Inquisitor.

Maker have mercy on her, she was falling for him faster than she thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, was I the only one who thought that Quizzie just leaving after Cullen confessed everything was a little off? It might just be me and my lack of social grace for these types of situations, but that was just a thought I have always had about this scene. I'm secretly dedicating this chapter to a close and dear friend of mine, who had to deal with something like this recently, and I hope I get these parts right for people who are going through things like this and are fighting to heal. I know people sometimes blow this part of the game off and not call it as important as others, but I believe it's one of the most important parts of the whole franchise and I believe that is when I truly started to see Cullen in a different light. Anyway, I'm going to stop rambling and let you guys read on.


	36. Blessing and a Curse

Cullen had mixed feelings about Tessa leaving for the Emerald Graves.

She had to go the day after she saw him almost break down and that was a blessing and a curse all in one.

It was a blessing because he had time to think on what happened without her there. She truly was something else. When he tried to tell her why he should take lyrium again, she was firm and unyielding without judgment when she said no. Then, she was the opposite when she pressed him to tell her the details about his past. She never interrupted nor pushed after he started. All he felt was the soothing motion of her fingers in his hair and the way she clung to him protectively. She was what he needed and when he needed it.

She anchored him down and then managed to set him free somehow.

Cullen felt considerably lighter after he told her exactly what happened, and he wondered why he didn’t tell anyone before.

 _Because it was her,_ a small voice told him.

Her leaving the next day was a curse in itself.

It was a curse because all he wanted to do now was keep her close to him and discuss what happened, but she wasn’t there.

She was gone when he had woken up and he found a note from her on the bed beside him. It read; _I’m sorry I couldn’t be here when you woke up. Cassandra was threatening to break down the door. I hope you feel better. Make sure you get some food and water when you wake up!_

Tessa also added her own adorable flare by putting a heart next to her name at the bottom. 

He was surprised to have actually gotten a full night of sleep and then some, thanks to her spell. When he finally got ready for the day, a meeting was called and the Inquisitor was to set out for the Emerald Graves immediately. They only had time for them to share a quick kiss and for her to remind him to try to sleep more before she was packed onto Clover and basically shoved out of the gates of Skyhold.

Cullen had stood near the gate, watching until the group disappeared from sight before finally returning to his duties.

When he returned to his office, a servant was cleaning up the mess the lyrium kit had made when it smashed to the floor. “Do you want me to get you a new one from the Templars, Ser?” the young woman asked, standing up straight.

Cullen stared at the remains. The shards of glass from the bottle reflected in the sunlight and the box lid was crooked now.

He had kept it to remind him to stay strong; to remind him to not stray.

He finally looked at the girl, who was now fidgeting uncomfortably.

“No, I don’t.”


	37. Experience

The Emerald Graves were beautiful, but there was a sadness in the forest that permeated everything.

Thankfully, Solas had returned and was able to come with them and he was able to decipher most of the elven they saw. Sera, Cassandra, and Bull were not as impressed as Tessa and Dorian were.

It had been a three weeks since they left Skyhold and Tessa couldn’t wait to return. Dealing with stupid Orlesians, bears, giants, and Red Templars have worn her out and she just wanted to go back and start planning for the operation at the Winter Palace.

One of the few things that kept her sane was the letters she had been receiving from a certain person at Skyhold.

Sitting next to the fire, she unfolded one of these letters. The Commander started all of his letters the same way. They were all concise and informative about what was happening at Skyhold, sounding very much like the military adviser he was. The ends were the parts that Tessa enjoyed the most. The end was short, sweet, and to the point. He always wished her well and said how he missed her and awaited her return and he never did it in more than one paragraph.

Most women Tessa knew--like Cassandra --would have given her strange looks for fawning over a simple few sentences and stuck up their noses at the short length, but they were more than that to the Inquisitor. She had to deal with everything that wasn’t simple. She had to deal with conflict and distrust and she always had to make compromises and end battles.

The simplicity was a blessing. There were no hidden meanings. No games. Cullen was straightforward and his words weren’t flowery or overdone. They rang more truthfully to Tessa on paper than the words she heard out of most peoples’ mouths.

She wondered how he was doing. They never had a chance to talk after he laid everything out in front of her. She regretted not staying and waiting for him to wake up, but soon after she woke up herself, Cassandra was pounding on the door and yelling for her.

The Seeker oddly didn’t ask about what happened; she must have just assumed that Tessa had succeeded in convincing Cullen to stay with the Inquisition.

Tessa wished she could manipulate and walk the Fade like Solas could, just so she could go and see how Cullen was faring. The Inquisitor sighed, flopping down to her back to look at the stars through the tree branches above her. A soft breeze ran through the leaves, causing a whispering sound to play along with the music of the crickets and the sounds of the forest.

To be honest, Tessa was just groping in the dark when it came to her relationship with Cullen. She didn’t know how to read signs or when a certain touch was too much or too little. She never had the opportunity to feel like this in Ostwick and was just acting on instinct. She remembered the shocked look on Cullen’s face when she told him of her inexperience. He had only smiled and gave her a bewildered look.

“And here I was thinking that people threw themselves at your feet wherever you went.”

Surely he was joking.

Tessa had kissed boys--and some girls--before and there was some awkward groping at times, but she never had a serious relationship in her life.

Cullen was different from anything she had ever experienced and she worried constantly. What if she said or did the wrong thing? What if she pushed him too far the night he told her about Ferelden?

She looked at the letter she had clutched in her hands. Maybe she was overthinking things.

The ride back to Skyhold the next day was long and tedious, just like the rest of their journey from the forest.

Tessa refused to ride at a trotting pace when Skyhold’s gates came into view and she kicked Clover into a canter. She seemed to be racing the setting sunlight as she made her way across the bridge.

Once she was in the keep, she looked up toward the stairs to the main hall and she couldn’t stop the smile from forming on her face at the sight of her three advisers waiting for her, particularly the one in the middle.

The Inquisitor quickly handed her reins to one of the stable workers and she started to make her way up the stairs. Her advisers greeted her and she nodded at them in return. Tessa was hyper aware of the nobles waiting to speak to her in the main hall. She couldn’t miss their poofy hats and ridiculous masks as they peeked out the massive doors to get a glimpse of her. She stepped close to Josephine. “Josie, please tell me they don’t expect me to talk to them at this time of night.”

The sun was almost completely below the horizon, barely giving them enough light to see. Josephine smiled knowingly. “I have informed them that you have been away for some time and would like to rest. We can deal with them tomorrow.”

Tessa almost hugged her. “You’re a blessing. And let’s make sure that happens after our meeting tomorrow, I’d rather be in a good mood when I tell you all what I’ve found.”

“Of course, your Worship,” Leliana answered, nodding.

The Ambassador and Spymaster started to walk into the main hall and Tessa barely managed to stop Cullen by pulling on the back of his cloak. “Dinner in my quarters?” she whispered out of the corner of her mouth.

His scar quirked in the way she loved as he smirked back at her. “Of course.”

Irritation formed in Tessa’s gut when they had to go their separate ways because of the nobles. He was pretending to go back to his quarters and she had to get through the swarm of heckling men and women in order to get to hers.

Thank the Maker, there was a tub full of hot water already prepared in her room and Tessa quickly indulged in that pleasure. As much as she loved traveling Thedas and learning about the places and the people, she always missed warm baths.

She left her hair loose and falling in damp waves down her back as she dressed in a simple blouse and leggings, leaving her feet bare.

Now, Tessa waited patiently for Cullen and her dinner to arrive. She pulled out the stack of reports she had written over the past three weeks and started to separate them.

Two platters were brought up by the elf that had helped Tessa in Haven and Tessa beamed at the girl. “How are you today, Marie?”

As always, the elf jumped when she was directly addressed. “I-I’m fine, my Lady.”

Tessa had decided to get to know Marie more after first meeting her in Haven, but the elf always avoided her somehow. The elf only became more skittish after Tessa became the Inquisitor. “How are things with your co-workers? Are you all treated well?”

Marie always seemed surprised to be treated this way, which made Tessa sad. She knew many elves in the Circle at Ostwick and she was close friends with many of them. Caylea, her best friend at Ostwick, was an elf. Tessa inwardly deflated inside, like she did whenever she thought about her friends from Ostwick. 

“Yes, ma’am,” Marie finally said with a shy grin. Tessa grinned back and both women jumped when the sound of the door closing and heavy footsteps sounded from the stairway.

“Goodnight, my Lady,” Marie quickly said, hurrying toward the stairs and narrowly avoiding running into the Commander.

Cullen stared after the elf in bewilderment before looking back at Tessa.

Tessa could immediately tell there was something different by just looking at him. He seemed healthier and the paleness that had accompanied him when she last saw him was nonexistent.

“Hello,” she said quietly, standing up.

Cullen quickly strode toward her and Tessa gasped when he suddenly wrapped her up in his arms and kissed her. She sighed into the kiss and wrapped her arms around his neck. They pulled away from each other and Tessa couldn’t stop grinning as he rested his forehead against hers. “I missed you,” he said quietly.

“I missed you too.” She gave him another peck. “Your letters helped, by the way. They kept me sane.”

Cullen stood straight and arched a brow down at her. Tessa released her grip from around his neck and rested her hands on his chest instead. “And what almost caused the great Inquisitor to go insane? The reports you sent back didn’t indicate any—“

“Orlesians are a pain in the arse and I think Dorian and Bull are fighting.”

“I can get the Orlesians being a pain, but…wait, what?”

Tessa blinked up at him in surprise. Oh shite, she wasn’t supposed to let anyone know. “Dorian and Bull are…ahem, what was for dinner?”

Cullen shook his head, laughing through his nose. “That’s an odd pairing, don’t you think?”

Tessa rolled her eyes before studying him appreciatively, thankful that he at least took off his armor before dining with her. He normally didn’t in the past. “I’m fine with it. I don’t think anyone else knows. I could just tell…and the way Sera was trying not to laugh when they bickered kind of gave me a clue.”

Cullen shook his head and allowed himself to be dragged toward her desk. “That elf knows too much.”

Tessa giggled, sat down at the desk, and promptly dug into her dinner. He did the same. They ate in a comfortable silence, enjoying the roar of the fire and the peace. “How have you been feeling?” she asked, looking across at him.

The fork Cullen was bringing to his lips halted in midair and he set it down. “Better, I think you were right about not sleeping. I’ve been…trying. I want to try to get better without relying on your magic or any other means.”

Tessa reached across and held his free hand. He didn’t have his gloves either and Tessa was glad he kept those off. “I’m glad you’re feeling better,” she said quietly, wishing she could tell him how worried she was.

His hand was warm and calloused, like she thought it would be. They were littered with light scars from years of training. They finished their dinner like that, hand in hand, and Tessa’s heart fluttered the whole time. His thumb would occasionally run across her knuckles and her stomach would flop with the action.

After they finished, Tessa guided him over to the couch and they sat—well, he sat while she curled into his side--reading a book from Tessa’s collection. She would make an affirmative noise whenever she wanted him to turn the page and they read in a comfortable silence for what seemed like hours. 

Tessa’s mind wandered as she played with a fraying string on his shirt. She remembered telling him of her past romantic experiences—not the groping but the other things—and she wondered about his past. He was too good of a kisser to be inexperienced.

“Cullen?”

“Hm?”

She sat up a little and bit her lip before blurting out, “How many women have you been with before me?”

His eyes widened and Tessa immediately knew that she had made a grave mistake.

“I’m sorry! I was just curious and—“

“Two.”

Tessa stopped mid-rambling and she stared at him. “What?”

A small smirk quirked at his lips as he set the book aside. “I’ve only had two other relationships. The first was an initiate I trained with before we took our vows and we didn’t really do anything. She was stationed somewhere in Orlais and I was sent to Ferelden and that was the end of it. And there was a woman at the Kirkwall Circle that worked in the kitchens and we were...together for a while before everything happened.” He leaned toward her and asked, “Why did you want to know, really?”

Tessa started to pull at the ends of her hair. “I really was just curious,” she mumbled, feeling foolish.

He chuckled and pressed a kiss to her lips, instantly pushing the feeling away. “I believe it’s fair since you told me about your past.”

“Or lack thereof,” Tessa snorted.

The Commander quirked a brow. “Which is still surprising to me.”

Tessa rolled her eyes. “Hardly. I already told you I have the romantic finesse of a horse.”

“Then I have the romantic finesse of a nug,” he said, deadpan.

Tessa couldn’t stop the laughter even if she wanted to. She tried to cover up her mouth as she laughed harder. It was funny because the first thing that came to mind was a nug with curly blond hair on its head. A snort suddenly escaped as she laughed and she felt her face flush in mortification.

“Did you just snort?” he laughed.

“No, and it’s not funny,” she managed to squeak out between laughs.

“I think it’s adorable.”

She finally managed to calm down and moved so that her head was on his lap and her feet were propped up on the other armrest of the couch. She grinned when she felt his fingers gently running through her hair. He continued reading while she dozed off for a while. After she woke up, the memory of what they spoke of the night before she left returned. “Cullen, there was something I was wondering about from…that night,” her voice trailed off as her courage failed her.

He stiffened beneath her. “What is it?”

“You mentioned that you liked a mage…” He was completely stiff now and Tessa now knew she absolutely had made a grave mistake and she stared at the ceiling to avoid his eyes. “You don’t have to answer. I’m sorry I—“

“Her name was Solona Amell. Everyone loved her. It was a one sided infatuation that never had a chance of growing,” he said quietly. He started to twirl a soft curl between his fingers again.

Tessa bit her lip and started to play with the sleeve of his shirt to avoid looking at him. Well, she proved her finesse yet again by asking about a time she knew was painful for him. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

Cullen gently tugged on her hair. “Don’t be. I had good times there…they’re just overshadowed by the Blight. You can talk to me about it.”

All of Tessa’s doubts suddenly came to surface. “I just…I feel like I pushed you that night. You had already told me so much and then I just had to go and ask you to go into detail and—“

“And the nightmares have not been as horrible since then.”

Tessa finally had the courage to look him in the eye. His gaze met hers evenly. “I used to not sleep because of the nightmares. The lyrium had kept them at bay until I stopped taking it. They became more vivid after I stopped.” He reached down and grabbed her hand, twining their fingers together. “I wanted to thank you…when you came to see me…” he trailed off, looking into the fire.

“If there’s anything you…” he sighed, releasing her fingers to rub the back of his head. “This sounded much better in my head.”

Tessa’s heart fluttered. She actually helped him? “I guess you weren’t lying when you said you were feeling better.”

He grinned for a moment before letting out a sigh. “It’s not always that bad. The pain comes and goes. Sometimes I feel as if I’m back there…” He shook his head. “I should not have pushed myself so far that day.”

Tessa grabbed his hand again. “I’m just glad you’re alright.”

Cullen stared down at their hands. “I’ve never told anyone what truly happened to me at Ferelden’s Circle. I was…not myself after that. I was angry. For years, that anger blinded me. I’m not proud of the man that made me.”

He gently untangled himself from her and he stepped toward the door to her balcony. He opened it and stepped out, letting in the fresh, spring air.

Tessa stood and followed him, shivering a little as her bare feet touched the cold stone outside.

He rested his hands on the railing. “The way I saw mages…I’m not sure I would have cared about you, and the thought of that sickens me,” he whispered.

Turning toward her again, he reached out and took her hand. “Now I can put some distance between myself and everything that happened. It’s a start.”

Tessa’s heart leapt into her throat and she could feel tears forming in her eyes. “For what it’s worth, I like who you are now.”

“Even after…?

“Well, you told me everything and I’m still holding your hand,” she said softly, grinning up at him.

His expression softened and a smile slowly came to his lips. Tessa couldn’t put a name to that expression and she wouldn’t mind seeing it more often.

“That you are,” he said, resting his forehead against hers.

Tessa wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him down for a kiss, standing up on the tips of her toes.

She was glad to be home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always liked to imagine that all of the possible Origins characters were alive, whether they became the Warden or not, and I feel like Cullen is the type of doof that would fall hard. So, that's why I have his thing for Amell/Surana still there. I feel like that would have made his experience at Ferelden that much worse and that makes his character development later on more dynamic.


	38. Past and the Present

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: mentions of assault ahead

“Angry. Afraid. Ice blue eyes closing in like in the nightmares. Space. Space keeps the fear at bay. Where is Cullen and Iron Bull when I need them?”

Cullen looked up from a report on his desk to see Cole sitting on the edge of his loft. “Who needs me?” he asked. Tessa had told him to just try to go with the flow and just ask how to help when the spirit did this and he found that this method actually worked. Cullen also found himself remembering the boy more.

Cole pointed out the window. “She needs help.”

Cullen stood and looked out the window. The sight before him instantly caused his blood to boil. What looked like a large group of Templars and mages stood in one of the lower courtyards and the Inquisitor and a tall man were standing in the middle.

The Commander slammed his hand against the stone of the wall angrily before storming out of the tower. Jo, Lynn, Jim, and other soldiers leaped out of his way as he stomped down the stairs. Why wasn’t he being informed of this?!

He finally made it down to the courtyard and he got an idea of what was happening. 

“These mages aren’t being held in their proper place. How dare you give them that tower and not let us do our duty!”

“I gave those mages that part of the keep so they could conduct their research as they see fit. There are also Templars in there.”

“They are allowed too much freedom! Only one Templar in a room at a time?! And they can leave the tower whenever they want? That’s insane.”

Cullen started to shove his way through the Templars witnessing the argument. Soon, they realized who was getting through and they started to part for him.

“You must admit, _Captain_ , that the way things were before obviously didn’t work. If you have any other complaints, talk to Seeker Pentaghast or Commander Cullen. I do not have time for roundabout arguments,” Tessa retorted, waving the comment off. 

The Templar in front of her scoffed, looking back at his comrades. “See men? This is why having a mage at the head of the Inquisition was a poor choice.”

“And having prigs as officers among the Templars is?”

Cullen tried to reach the Inquisitor’s side as quickly as possible when he saw the rage forming on the captain’s face. 

“You little bitch!” he bellowed, towering over her.

The strong willed woman Cullen was used to seeing started to crumble and a terror he couldn’t describe started to fill her eyes. It was the same terror he saw when she was Silenced in Haven. The man was now invading her space and was calling her every horrible name in the book.

“Enough!” Cullen bellowed, finally breaking through to the middle of the circle of men and women. 

The Captain leapt away from the Inquisitor as if he was burnt and his ice blue eyes widened when he saw the Commander. “C-Commander, the Inquisitor--”

“I heard everything. And if you knew what was in your best interest, you would leave...now,” Cullen snarled, stepping between the captain and Tessa.

He felt her fingers curl into his cloak and that only added to the boiling anger burning in Cullen’s stomach. 

“But--”

“The Inquisition is trying to solve problems, Ser, and that also includes that problem that was in the Circles. The Inquisitor has made her decision and you will respect it as is your duty as an ally.” He paused and whipped around to glare at the mages and Templars cowering away from him. “Back to your duties. All of you.”

The crowd instantly dispersed and Cullen was glad to see that Blackwall had also pushed his way through the crowd and was ready to jump to the Inquisitor’s defense as well. The Warden sheathed his sword and nodded at Cullen before making his way back toward the stables.

Once the courtyard was finally clear again, Cullen grabbed Tessa’s hand and walked toward the back entrance to the kitchen. The last thing Tessa needed was people ogling at her. He opened the door and was surprised to find that his hands were shaking from anger instead of withdrawal for once. 

The nerve of that arse! Cullen wanted to knock his teeth out.

He needed to calm down. Tessa didn’t need his anger right now. 

Glancing down at her, he saw that she was still shaking and she had a hollow look in her eyes. “Cullen, really I’m--”

“If you’re about to say you’re fine, I’m going to save you the trouble and say you’re lying,” he interrupted. Tessa was far from fine.

“But-”

He held up a hand to stop her and gently guided her into the kitchen. Luckily, the elf that worked for her was taking a break in the kitchen. “Marie, could you please have a pot of hot cocoa made and brought up to the Inquisitor’s quarters?”

Marie’s big brown eyes widened when she saw Tessa. “Are you alright, my Lady?” she gently asked, hopping off her stool to get a better look at the Inquisitor. 

Tessa waved the elf off. “I will be in a moment, Marie, thank you.”

Cullen nodded at Marie in thanks before guiding Tessa out of the kitchen and toward the stairs leading to the main hall. Luckily, it was around dinnertime so the nobles and everyone else was either at the tavern or eating in their rooms.

Only when they were in the privacy of the Inquisitor’s chambers did Cullen finally calm down. He reached out to her and cupped her face in his hands. “Tess, are you--”

The tears forming in her eyes stopped the question in its tracks. Cullen pushed all of his questions aside and just pulled her close, wrapping his arms around her in a tight embrace. 

Tessa wasn’t a loud crier. Cullen soon learned this after Haven and Adamant. She never sobbed. She never wailed. She just silently let the tears fall and didn’t make a peep otherwise. He knew she was crying now from the way she was clenching at his cloak and how she trembled in his arms. 

It was that incident in Haven all over again.

Marie came up with the hot chocolate and that was when Cullen guided her toward her couch in front of the fireplace. 

Cullen poured her a mug and placed it in her trembling hands and he sat so she could curl into his side like she usually did. He slowly removed his armor so she would be more comfortable and he carefully set it to the side. 

She made it through three mugs before she finally spoke. “I thought I was over it,” she mumbled.

Cullen took the empty mug from her hands and set it on the table before wrapping an arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer to his side. “Over what?”

She sighed and buried her face into his shoulder. “Remember that long and sad story I wouldn’t tell you in Haven?”

Cullen frowned. “Yes...it happened after--”

“It happened after I was Silenced. Maker, he just reminded me so much of…” she trailed off, tightening her grip on his shirt.

Cullen swallowed the lump that was growing in his throat and he tightened his hold around her. “You can tell me, Tess.”

She let out a soft laugh with no humor. “I know...I just don’t want you to think less of me.”

Remembering how he said almost the same exact thing about three weeks ago, Cullen let out a sigh. “Tess, I could never think any less of you.”

Well, now he knew how she felt when he said that.

He started to gently play with the end of her braid, not rushing her.

Her fingers were beginning to tremble again as she played with ties of his shirt.

What could have happened to her? Cullen felt that he knew the answer, but he didn’t want to admit it.

“I just...It’s hard to tell others because I was told it was my fault once and…” She took a shaky breath. “I believed that it was my fault for so long, Cullen.”

The former-Templar suddenly had an idea of what happened to her and it seemed like every ounce of happiness was being sucked out of his body. Maker, he didn’t know what to say. “You can tell me, Tess,” he finally whispered, brushing the locks of hair that always escaped from her braid out of her eyes.

She reached up and grabbed his hand before he could lay it on the couch’s armrest again. Cullen watched as she traced her fingertips over his palm and he turned his hand over so he could do the same for her. He traced his fingertips over the mark, watching how it flickered at his touch.

The Inquisitor intertwined her shaky fingers with his before finally speaking. “I was 16 and I had just passed my Harrowing. I started to study battle magic right away. I was so happy to finally be moving on to a new part of my life.” Tessa took a deep, shuddering breath before continuing. “I was stupid and naïve. All of the older women warned me about it but I didn’t heed their warning. There was a Templar that was well known for seducing mages my age in that part of the tower. I thought I would never be a target for him.”

Cullen stiffened under her hold. He prayed that this story wouldn’t go the way he thought it would.

“I was studying in the library late one evening and he happened to walk in and pretend he was patrolling. I didn’t think much of it at the time. Then it kept happening for about a week. One night, he finally talked to me and tried to seduce me,” Tessa let out a shaky laugh. “I didn’t fall for it, of course. I had too many plans and goals and men weren’t involved in any of them, especially men that were Templars.”

She gently tugged on Cullen’s shirt, with a weak smile. “Oh, the irony.”

Cullen softly snorted before gently tugging on her braid. “I’m not a Templar, my Lady.”

Tessa looked up at him and grinned. “You keep telling yourself that, Ser.”

Her grin faded and she fell silent, burying her face into his shoulder. Cullen remained silent, waiting for her to tell him when she could, just like she did for him. He kept alternating between playing with her braid or running his fingers up and down her back. He turned his head to the side so he could press his lips to the top of her head. The flowery smell of her soap mingling with her own unique scent overwhelmed him and he breathed. How could something so horrible have happened to her?

Tessa’s small fist clenched at the front of his shirt as she continued. “When I refused...he got angry. He must not have been used to rejection. I started to see him walking toward me and I started to run to find help.”

A shaky breath escaped her lips and Cullen suddenly wanted to know this Templar’s name so he could find him and strangle him. “I was able to get a scream out before he Silenced me. He had just ripped my robes open and pulled my smalls off before another Templar rushed in.”

She was gripping at his shirt hard enough to cause her knuckles to turn white. Cullen tightened his hold around her shoulders and rested his free hand over her clenched fist, trying to be a comforting as he could. 

Cullen couldn’t believe that someone had tried to hurt her that way. It made him start to wonder how many times that happened to other mages and it made him angry that he let his anger blind him and not do anything about it when he was stationed in the circles. He started to wonder how she must have felt. Silenced and powerless to do anything against one of the people that was supposed to protect her, it must have been terrifying.

The terror he saw in her eyes at Haven made sense now. He didn’t press her then and he was glad he didn’t.

“Aiden claimed that I attacked him after he refused to be seduced by me and that he was defending himself,” she continued, “but my robes and his reputation were enough to see that he was lying. Thank the Maker that the Templar that ran in was a high ranking woman or I would have been doomed.” She huffed out a tired laugh. 

“I was still to be punished, despite all of that. The Knight-Commander demanded it since one of his best Templars was being dismissed because of me. He said it was my fault and that I should be made Tranquil. The First Enchanter and the Knight-Captain were against it and they convinced the Knight-Commander to let me start studying to be a Healer so I couldn’t learn any dangerous spells.”

Cullen almost couldn’t believe it. The Knight-Commander was going to abuse the Right of Tranquility because the mage was almost raped?! He wanted to strangle the Commander instead of this Aiden now. His heart dropped more because this all sounded like what happened frequently at Kirkwall.

She finally looked up at him again. “I played the good little mage so I would never have to risk being Silenced again. The battle spells I know now were because my Mentor taught them to me in secret to defy the Knight-Commander. That time at Haven was the second time I had ever experienced being Silenced."

A crushing, tense silence hung over them for many minutes.

“So when I reached out to you…”

“I saw Aiden, not you. And that Templar just now reminded me of him. They have the same eyes and hands.”

Cullen’s jaw clenched and he pulled her closer to him, burying his face into her hair. “I want to kill him.”

"He doesn't deserve the attention," she scoffed, reaching up and running her fingers through his hair. Cullen almost purred at how her nails gently trailed across his scalp, despite the situation.

A question burned in his brain as she slowly shifted so she could sit up straight next to him. Cullen reached out and wiped her tears off her cheeks with the pad of his thumb. Her brow quirked and he knew she could probably tell what he was thinking. “What is it?”

“How can you be with me after that happened to you? How can you stand men at all?” How could she even think about being intimate with him? Maker, it took him a decade to realize that his hatred and fear of magic was a little over the edge. 

Tessa barked out a laugh with no humor. “Oh, believe me, I hated them for a couple years and it made me a bitter person. But, things changed when my grandfather visited me one day. He helped me come to terms with everything. And to answer your first question,” she leaned over and pecked him on the forehead. She pulled back and tilted her head coyly. “I am a weak woman. Who could resist the dashing Commander of the Inquisition? Especially when he’s adorably awkward sometimes?” 

Cullen stared at her for a moment before he let out a soft laugh, looking away. “So that’s why you like me.” It was almost as if she didn’t just tell him about a traumatizing experience.

“Yes, and the hair. The hair is perfect,” she continued, tugging at the nape of said perfect hair. 

Cullen reached back and took her hand in his, gently running his thumb over her knuckles. He always marveled at how dainty her hands were compared to his. They had callouses from whirling her staff, but they were still incredibly soft and soothing against his skin. “Tess, are you alright? If what happened earlier reminded you of--”

She placed a finger over his lips and Cullen couldn’t resist pressing a kiss to it. She gave him a small grin. “Cullen, I have accepted what has happened and I have long decided that it was not going to define me. My grandfather gave me a good way to think about it,” she explained.

Cullen turned toward her a little, brow pinching. “What did he say?” 

“He told me that if I let what happened control everything I did, it would win. He would win. I had to accept it and think beyond it to become the person I wanted to be and to heal. I know I have healed and I like to think that I’m the person I want to be. It’s just...moments like today are unwelcome reminders." Her nose scrunched up as she frowned. "Besides, I shouldn’t have been afraid of that captain. I’ve seen him in the ring and he’s a shoddy fighter. He probably only got the title because his father’s rich or something.”

Maker, she was incredible. Cullen knew what it was like to have an episode like she almost had. He had them for months after what happened at Kinloch and the anxiety attacks only stopped when Knight-Commander Greagor pulled him aside and told him to get a hold of himself.

The older man had told Cullen that he was a danger to himself and to anyone else he was around in that state and from that moment on, Cullen forced himself to school his emotions and to not let his fear control him. That only made the nightmares worse.

“You’re amazing,” Cullen quietly stated, bringing her hand up to his lips.

“Why?”

“The fact that you are sitting here and making jokes about my hair of all things after what happened earlier is astonishing.”

Tessa arched a brow. “I’m not joking. Your hair is perfect. And...I think having you here helps, to be honest. The fact that you just asked to go for a ride around the lake last time gave me the perfect amount of normal I needed.”

“My hair is not perfect by any means. You are deeply mistaken.”

“No, I’m not.”

Cullen rolled his eyes and pulled her close again. “I meant it when I said you are amazing.”

She stayed silent for many moments before she said, “I can’t believe I was so terrified of you thinking less of me when I told you.”

Cullen pecked the top of her head. “I felt the same way when I told you about Kinloch.”

“We’re both fools then.”

A small laugh escaped from Cullen before he tilted her chin up with his hand. He leaned forward and pressed a deep kiss to her lips, savoring the slightly sweet taste the hot chocolate left behind. 

“We are, aren’t we?”


	39. Notes

Something strange was happening at Skyhold. 

Tessa was beginning to find little, sweet notes wherever she went and while she knew who was writing them, she couldn’t wrap her mind around why he would. Tessa woke this morning to find a note on the tray Marie brought up with her breakfast. 

She found another waiting for her on the throne when she had to judge the Avaar clan leader. 

One even managed to sneak its way into the tome she and Dorian were studying.

She wasn’t even surprised to find one tucked into the pocket of the new armor she and Harritt were designing.

Tessa wanted to find the Commander and give him a big smooch for every note found, but they wouldn’t be able to see each other until the meeting scheduled later for today. 

All of the notes had Cullen’s simple, sweet way of telling her he was thinking about her. One simply told her she was beautiful. Another said she was brilliant. All of the notes said something along these lines and Tessa couldn’t even hide the goofy grin forming on her face. The latest note was the longest and was hidden between the requisition reports and Cassandra happened to notice. 

“What is that?” the Seeker asked, stabbing her practice sword into the ground as the Inquisitor walked by. 

Tessa halted in her tracks, quickly hiding the note in her pocket. “Nothing.”

“Don’t even try. What is it?”

Remembering what Cassandra secretly liked to read in her spare time, Tessa supposed that she would be the perfect person to share this with. 

“Oh fine. I’ve been finding notes from Cullen all day,” she pulled out her latest one, “this one was in my requisition stack.”

Cassandra quickly stepped over and snatched the note out of Tessa’s hand and Tessa couldn’t help but smirk at how the Seeker’s cheeks turned a faint shade of pink. “ _I miss your smile the most when you’re gone,_ ” she read aloud. “Are they all like this?” 

Tessa knew the stupid grin on her face was growing and she didn’t care. After telling him about how she was attacked a week ago, Cullen had been acting overly sweet toward her and she wasn’t complaining. It wasn’t on the verge of being overprotective, like she thought he would be. If anything, he started to dote on her more. It was little things, like having a pot of mint tea brought to the war room for when they knew there was going to be exceptionally long meetings. Or, having a book already sitting on her chair in his office. _Cleaning_ his bloody office. The list was growing by the day.

“I...didn’t think he would be like this,” Cassandra admitted, handing the note back to her.

“Neither did I, not that I’m complaining,” Tessa giggled.

Cassandra then demanded to see the other notes and the two women spent about 20 minutes tittering over them in Cassandra’s corner of the practice yard. 

“I have been meaning to ask you something. It has to do with what you told me at the Storm Coast.”

Tessa rocked back on her heels, tucking her notes in her pocket again. She remembered telling the Seeker about what happened to her at Ostwick. Tessa couldn’t believe that she told Cassandra _everything_. She told her about Aiden, the Knight-Commander, Lydia, her friends dying, everything. Now, since they were friends, Tessa was glad she told the older woman all of this, and she knew Cassandra would have only brought it up if it was crucial.

“What about it?” the Inquisitor finally asked, tilting her head a little.

“Are you going to tell Cullen about…what that one Templar did to you? I know it is none of my business, but I just want to make sure both of you are happy and-“

“I have, Cassandra. He knows everything,” Tessa answered, pulling her braid over her shoulder so she could tug on it. 

Cassandra’s brows arched more than usual and her eyes narrowed. “What did he think?”

Tessa almost laughed aloud at the Seeker’s response. She knew that if Cullen reacted any other way than he did, the woman would have stomped up to his tower and gave him a piece of her mind whether he liked it or not. 

“Everything is alright, Cassandra. He understood. I think that’s why these notes happened.” The mage waved one of the said notes around. 

“I didn’t expect him to be unsympathetic; I just know that sometimes men want…more.”

The Inquisitor found herself pouting. “I wouldn't mind if he did want _more_. I know I do, and I know he wouldn’t force me to do anything. I just don’t know how to bring it up without dying from embarrassment.”

Cassandra snorted with a laugh. “Good luck. We all know you both put Chantry mice to shame with how shy you are.”

Tessa stuck her tongue out and finally managed to pull herself--and her notes--away from the Seeker and made it to her meeting just in time. 

She looked up to give Cullen a big grin and he met it with a small smile of his own. “Inquisitor, we were--” 

“Eagerly awaiting your presence. Some of us more than others,” Leliana cut in.

“I wasn’t--I-I mean, I was...we have work to do,” Cullen spluttered.

Leliana smirked at him, looking at Tessa, then down at the pile of Tessa’s reports and then back at the Commander. “Of course.”

Tessa looked down at the reports in front of her and she couldn’t help but smile when she saw the edge of a familiar looking note sticking out the edge in the middle of the stack.

Maker, what was she going to do with him?

The meeting seemed to drag on forever and Cullen surprised her when they all turned to walk out the door. He had reached the door first and let Leliana and Josephine step out first before closing the door right as Tessa reached it. She giggled when he stepped forward and she found herself with her back against the door. 

He braced his hands on the wall on either side of her head and she took that opportunity to reach up and bury her fingers into the fur around his neck to pull him down to capture his lips with hers.

“I didn’t know you were a romantic, Commander,” she teased, gently nipping at his chin before pressing kisses along his jaw. 

Who was she kidding? She knew he was a romantic at heart. The way he looked at her, kissed her, touched her...well, it was obvious to her at least.

“Should I write you notes more often?” he asked against her lips, claiming them for another deep kiss. His hands moved to either side of her neck and his thumbs gently ran along her jaw as the kiss started to include more sliding of tongues and teeth. 

All Tessa could see, feel, hear, and smell was him. She sighed against his lips when he stepped closer, pressing his body flush to hers. 

She managed to pull away long enough to smirk up at him. “Perhaps you should.”


	40. Dracolisks

“Commander!”

Cullen jumped, accidentally sending the reports he was holding flying everywhere. “What?!”

Jim wilted slightly under the Commander’s hard stare, but quickly found his words again. The young soldier stood to the side of the door, shakily saluting. “The Inquisitor told me your presence is required in the stables, Ser. She made it clear to let you know it’s urgent.”

Cullen sighed before finally standing. “Stay here. I have some messages for you to take when I get back.”

The Commander’s mood was heightened yet lowered at the same time. He and Tessa tried to spend as much time together as they could when she was actually at Skyhold. Today was not a day he could afford the luxury, though, so his mood was dropping by the moment. 

The state of the stable was not what he was expecting, though. 

Stable hands were holding horses everywhere and all of the horses and deer things were jittery and rearing with their eyes rolling. 

“Get that damn dragon thing out of here!” he heard Dennet bellow. 

Cullen raced forward and weaved his way into the stable, where he found Tessa staring down that damn lizard mount she found. The thing cocked its scaly head and looked down at her with what Cullen hoped was just mild curiosity. 

“I told them not to put you with the other horses, didn’t I? You need to be where you can’t unintentionally frighten someone,” she cooed, reaching up and scratching behind one of its horns.

The thing hissed in response and its eyes closed as it leaned into the Inquisitor’s touch. 

“What is that doing here?” Cullen growled, crossing his arms. 

Tessa looked over at him, beaming. “Isn’t he adorable?”

Adorable was the last word Cullen would use. “You can’t be serious.”

“What? I told them to put him in the other stable and they didn’t listen to me. Now he doesn’t want to move.”

Cullen wiped a hand down his face. Of all the things he thought he would have to deal with today…

Tessa’s kind nature did not only apply to the people she was around, it extended to the animals as well. Cats and dogs already made their home around Skyhold and she was bringing in any mount she could find. 

Skyhold was quickly becoming an animal refuge as well as their headquarters. Josephine was still livid about it. 

While Cullen loved how kind Tessa could be, there were times when it was just too much and led to more problems than it was trying to solve. “Tess, you need to take that thing to one of our camps outside of the keep,” he grumbled, taking tiny steps to get closer to her. 

“But-”

“Tess.”

“He’s not mean! They’re just spooked because-”

“He looks like a smaller version of a horse eating dragon? You’re not wrong.”

Tessa pouted up at him, but Cullen knew how to deal with that look. Rosalie had given it to him so much that he had become immune to it. The puppy dog eyes would not work here. 

“He can’t stay in the keep.”

“It’s technically my keep. I say he stays.”

“My army uses those horses its scaring. As the leader of those armies I say no,” he argued, keeping a close watch on...whatever it was.

“But-”

“No!”

“You’re just being-”

“Reasonable! Get it out!” Cullen interrupted, backing away from the damn thing as it glared at him. 

Cullen watched in amazement and horror as it hissed at him and rested its head on Tessa’s shoulder. “But he’s sweet. Look at him,” she cooed, petting the lizard’s head.

Rubbing the back of his neck, Cullen wondered how to handle this. The thing was obviously a problem with the horses and the deer that Tessa had found. “Fine. Is there an empty part of the stable that doesn’t have anything around it?”

Tessa’s eyes flicked toward the opposite end of the stable. “Well…”

“Convince him to move there or we’re going to have a bigger problem,” Cullen growled. “Even Clover’s spooked by him.”

Cullen saw the mare among the other horses in front of the stable and it took a great deal to make her nervous. 

The Inquisitor sighed, rolling her eyes as she grabbed the thing’s bridle. “Fine, you win.” She and the thing stomped away toward the empty part of the stable. 

Cullen stood there and watched to make sure she did what she was supposed to before walking out of the stable next to her. “Why do you even have that thing?” he grumbled. 

Tessa gave him a hard stare at first, but she couldn’t have been that upset with him because she finally smirked up at him. “He was never for me.”

“Who was he for?!”

A bellowing yell was his answer. “Is he here?! Boss, tell me he’s here!”

Tessa pointed toward Iron Bull, who was running toward them and Cullen could tell that the qunari was basically shaking with excitement. 

“You’re joking.”

“Was I joking when I bought a hart for Solas? Or that one breed from Tevinter for Dorian?”

Cullen sighed and rubbed the back of his head as he watched the qunari barrel into the stable to see his new mount. “You’re ridiculous,” he finally said, laughing softly.

Tessa was obviously over their little spat inside because she reached for his hand and squeezed it. “You like it.”

Well, Cullen couldn’t deny that.


	41. Disorganized

To be frank, Cullen was one of the most disorganized people Tessa knew while being organized at the same time.

It was fascinating and annoying at the same time. He seemed to have all of his messages and reports in order, but his office was an absolute mess. Books, papers, scrolls of parchment, and who knows what else was strewn over any available space and there were also bottles and tankards everywhere as well.

The Inquisitor frowned down at the current mess she was staring at. She only made one rule for him about her space in the office. Cullen was allowed to do what he wanted with his things as long as he didn’t use her chair as a resting place for his mess. 

That didn’t last long.

Tessa had just returned from a stressful meeting with Lord Abernache about business concerning Orlesian support - thank the Maker Josephine was there as well - and she had just wanted to read for an hour before her next meeting. 

Now, her hands were twitching to clean every inch of her Commander’s office. She knew he probably had some order to the chaos, but it annoyed her to no end. While she didn’t mind getting dirty in a garden or on the field, the Inquisitor was a closet neat freak. Her quarters were usually impeccable and she liked to have things in order.

The way Cullen did his work stressed her out. 

Tessa huffed and grabbed the papers and scrolls that were set on her chair, and she glanced down to see that they were just patrol reports. She could imagine that Cullen had been walking out of his office when Jim or some other poor soldier walked in and handed these to the Commander. Knowing Cullen, he would have tossed them to the side because all of his focus had to go to one thing at a time and he would have finished his first errand before this one. 

“I gave him one rule. No mess on the chair, and what do I get?”

The Inquisitor glanced through the reports and sorted them for him and set them on the corner of his extremely cluttered desk. 

“How did he ever get past the quarter inspections with the Templars?” she grumbled. Both her grandfather and Gavin had told her about how the officers had to look through the Templar quarters to make sure everything was clean and free of magic constantly. Cullen would have failed miserably. 

Right as she thought that, her Commander’s familiar voice could be heard from the battlement outside. “--and inform me if there are any changes. We cannot risk the danger it might bring to travelers if we leave it unchecked.”

“Yes, Ser.”

The door opened and only the Commander stepped in and, not to her surprise, he was looking down at another piece of paper. 

“Cullen.”

His gaze flicked toward her and Tessa had to ignore the crooked grin he gave her. She was too annoyed to think it was cute or anything at the moment. She pointed to the stack of papers she just set on his desk. “I gave you one rule,” she accused with a frown. 

His brow furrowed in confusion as he stared at the papers and then he started to rub the back of his head, grinning apologetically. “Sorry, I was in a hurry when I received them.”

Tessa snorted and waved toward the mess on and around his desk. “How do you even work here? It’s a mess!”

Cullen just shrugged and set his paper down on top of the already messy pile. “I just do.”

Tessa didn’t know what annoyed her more; the fact that he was completely okay with all of this or the fact that he let it get messy in the first place. 

Tessa rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. “This is ridiculous. How did you even pass quarter inspections?” she asked, voicing her earlier thought.

His face fell a little and Tessa started to inwardly worry. Did she mention something that brought back bad memories? Andraste’s tits, she had to remember to just not mention the Templars around him unless he brought it up.

“It’s funny, I was actually a neat person in the Circles,” he mused, he glanced toward the window with a wistful smile, “I suppose I don’t take it as seriously now knowing that an officer won’t come storming in demanding I clean up.”

He then smirked at her and pointed to a pile on the desk. “Those are troop reports.” 

He pointed at another pile. “Those have to do with supplies.” 

He pointed to another one, giving her a teasing look. “And those are-”

The Inquisitor threw up her hands with a sound of disgust worthy of Cassandra. “I get it. You know what’s going on. I, on the other hand, have to go clean something now. This stresses me out.”

She moved to march out his door to head to the keep, but a firm grip on her elbow stopped her from making the dramatic exit she wanted to make. Her breath caught in her throat when she was pinned back against the door she wanted to walk out of and she could feel her body heat up as Cullen’s large hands fell to her waist. 

Cullen nuzzled his nose against the side of her neck and Tessa could feel the irritation toward him grow smaller and smaller by the moment. “I could do something that doesn’t stress you out,” he said in her ear.

Tessa bit her lip to hold back a laugh even as a shiver went down her spine from the feeling of his mouth brushing her ear. Cullen was slowly becoming bolder with his actions over the last couple weeks and Tessa wasn’t complaining in the least. These actions did only happen occasionally, so the Inquisitor couldn’t resist the urge to tease him about it. “Flirting with me in the middle of the day, Commander? What will the Inquisition think?”

His only answer was his teeth nibbling on her earlobe, efficiently shutting her up. 

She suddenly realized what he was doing and she furrowed her brow. “Don’t think you can just get out of trouble by kissing me, you-”

Cullen's lips were also efficient at shutting her up. 

Tessa leaned into his touch and she tugged at his hair sharply for a moment before kissing him back. To be honest, Cullen was right about how this was a stress reliever. She wasn’t the Inquisitor when he kissed her like this. She was just Tessa. 

Before she could think, Tessa gently nipped at his bottom lip. To her delight, Cullen let out a soft groan at the action and it caused him to pull her so their bodies were flush against each other. 

The door on the other side of Cullen’s office suddenly opened, causing both of them to jump. Cullen whipped around and snarled, “Get out!” before the poor soldier could say anything. 

The door quickly shut and Tessa managed to get a laugh out before Cullen kissed her again. This kiss was softer than the first one and Tessa couldn’t help but grin. She tugged at the edge of his breastplate to pull him back down and they both sighed into the kiss. This kiss made Tessa’s heart want to burst out of her chest. She still couldn’t believe that a kiss from Cullen made her react this way. 

One kiss melted into another, sometimes turning into small pecks and only separating to breathe, and she had to hold back a whine when he finally pulled away, resting his forehead against hers. 

A shudder went through Tessa when his gaze met hers.

Cullen worked with an intensity and focus that seemed almost impossible at times. To have all of that intensity and one minded focus directed only at her was overwhelming in the best way possible. 

“I take it you’re not stressed anymore?” he asked smugly, starting to press kisses wherever he could. 

“You’re still in trouble. I expect this office to be cleaner when I get back,” she retorted, rolling her eyes with a smile. She managed to pull the door open behind her and she smirked at him as she walked out. 

Maybe she should get cross with him more often if that was going to be the outcome.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, have you guys SEEN Cullen's office? It's a mess. I sometimes see some headcanons about him being spick and span and I can't help but laugh. Poor Tessa.


	42. The Winter Palace

Cullen had a dilemma.

The ball at the Winter Palace was in two weeks and he knew he was horrible at dancing. He wanted to be able to dance properly with Tessa because she deserved it and he knew women typically enjoyed it.

It was a shame he was so horrid at it.

He felt a little guilty whenever he heard the Inquisitor talking about the parts of the ball that didn’t include looking for an assassin. She and Leliana gushed about shoes and which ones would be best for fashion and fighting reasons. Or, Tessa and Josephine would talk for hours on end about what kind of dress would flatter her most and be good for dancing and for fighting; if such a dress existed.

Tessa usually couldn’t stand Madame de Fer, but the mage was apparently invaluable for fashion and the court.

The few times they were able to spend time together, Tessa had admitted that she didn’t mind the balls she went to when she still lived with her family. She said she even enjoyed dancing and that was when Cullen made the decision to find help.

Leliana was not an option. The teasing he would receive would be merciless.

Cassandra and Vivienne were out of the question, since both women were vicious in their own ways.

Cullen had few options and he finally mustered up the courage to walk into Josephine’s office. He knew Tessa was preoccupied with something else at the moment and it was either now or never. “Ah, Commander, how can I help you?”

“I…have a favor to ask,” Cullen said, holding his hands behind his back.

The Ambassador arched a thin brow at him. “Oh, and what would that be?”

Cullen took a deep breath through his nose. _This is for her, just ask._ “Can you give me dancing lessons? I haven’t in years and…” he trailed off. Josephine of all people should have an idea of why he would want lessons.

“I would be happy to help. When do you want to do this?”

“Er…”

“I suppose I can spare some time around now for the next week or so.” The Ambassador stood up and walked over to him. “Alright, what do you know?”

Cullen balked. “Wait, you want to now?”

“It’s now or never Commander. You’ll talk yourself out of it if we wait.”

Sighing and grumbling under his breath, Cullen took Josephine’s hands. “I know a little. Templars just never attended—“

“I’m fully aware of what Templars do. Now, we’re going to have to stand closer for this to work.”

Cullen immediately regretted this decision. “I—“

“You don’t want to step on the Inquisitor’s toes, do you?”

Blast.

And so, Cullen would sneak into Josephine’s office every afternoon and she would guide him through the steps of the basic dances in Orlais. Eventually, Cullen got to the point to where he wasn’t staring down at their feet as they moved.

It was finally time to go to Halamshiral and everyone was buzzing with either excitement or nervousness.

Tessa was easily both, Cullen could tell. The only part she was excited about, though, was the outfit she was going to wear.

“I thought you were a tomboy,” Cullen accused as they rode next to each other out of Skyhold. It didn’t make sense. This woman wasn’t afraid to get her hands dirty and she liked to spend time in the garden and the stables, the last places where ‘ladies’ were supposed to be.

With a fake scoff, Tessa flipped her braid over her shoulder. “Yes, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t appreciate dressing up every once in a while. Josie and Vivienne have done a good job with the outfit they found for me.” She leaned over and mumbled, “Besides, I think you’ll like it too, Commander.” She winked and sat up straight again, looking forward as if nothing happened.

Cullen suddenly was very interested in what she was going to be wearing.

Thankfully, they were only attacked once by a group of Red Templars on their four day trip to the Duke of Chalons’ estate. Cullen didn’t know how it happened, but he and Tessa somehow ended up fighting back to back and he was amazed at how well they fought together.

She would fluidly cast spells beside him and quickly duck behind him so his shield could block the shards of red lyrium being spat at them by the monstrosity they were facing. Cullen ducked out of the way so Tessa could cast another spell and they both surged forward when the monster was frozen from her ice spell. Cullen cut through the monster’s legs and Tessa whirled the blade end of her staff toward its neck. The creature fell with a dying shriek and Cullen couldn’t help but just stare at the Inquisitor.

She looked back up at him with an affectionate grin and they both turned back to the battle.

Soon after the Red Templars were dealt with, Cullen found her helping Varric with a minor wound.

“I’m fine! I had worse when I was fighting with Hawke at—“

“Red lyrium, Varric.”

“Yeah, but—“

“Shh!”

Tessa’s hands were encompassed with a warm, green glow as she moved them around the dwarf’s shoulder. Cullen winced at the wound. It was a shallow gash, but it was big enough to cause worry. His gaze involuntarily traveled up Tessa’s arm toward her face. Her full lips were pulled into a cute pout as she focused. Her violet eyes narrowed as she squinted at the wound.

Varric, unfortunately, caught him staring. “Just get a portrait of her done, Curly. It lasts longer.”

Cullen wasn’t going to back down to the dwarf. He somehow managed to keep his composure and replied, “A portrait wouldn’t do justice.”

A pretty blush appeared on Tessa’s cheeks and a bashful smile curled on her lips.

Cullen was pulled away by one of his soldiers, but he couldn’t help but feel smug.

The rest of the trip to the Duke of Chalons’ estate went smoothly and they arrived exactly when they wanted to, according to Leliana and Josephine.

The Duke walked out to greet the Inquisition and Cullen didn’t like how the Duke stared at Tessa a little too long and held her hand to his lips longer than was required for a proper greeting.

Tessa didn’t seem to notice and she remained polite as the rest of the party was introduced. Cullen made sure to give the Duke an extra firm handshake when Tessa introduced him.

The night was full of meetings and Tessa personally threatening the well-being of a certain elf and qunari if they didn’t behave.

“Boss, I’m hurt. You think I don’t know how to act at one of these things. Former Ben-hassarath, remember?”

Tessa glared at him.

“Oh fine, no pinching or grabbing.”

Sera just grumbled about how ‘Quizzie’ wasn’t the same.

The Inquisition leaders also argued over who to support at the ball. Cullen sighed as Leliana and Josephine argued over whether to actually find the assassin or just help appoint a new leader.

“Will both of you stop?! We aren’t even there yet,” Tessa growled, slamming her hands down on the table.

Cullen looked over at her in worry. The only time he had seen her like this was when they were arguing over mages and Templars.

The spymaster’s brow furrowed and her lips pursed. “But—“

Leliana made a mistake by arguing.

Tessa frowned. “We still don’t know enough to make a decision. Stop it.” The Inquisitor stood straight and marched from the room, obviously ending the meeting.

“She does have a point, we won’t know anything until tomorrow,” Josephine agreed.

Cullen was actually dreading the ball and he was reminded why when he was stuffed into the overdone military uniform Vivienne, Leliana, and Josephine picked out for him the next morning. The red coat was stiff and the sashes were garish and Cullen hated every part of it.

He stomped out of his room with an expression that could rival a thundercloud.

What was worse was that the Inquisitor was already stuffed into her carriage and he wouldn’t be able to see her until the actual ball.

And, for some reason unknown to him, he was instantly surrounded by nobles when he entered the ball with the other advisers. Leliana didn’t help his situation when she introduced even more to him and left him alone.

Oh Maker.

He quickly escaped the conversations and hurried toward Josephine when Tessa was supposed to arrive.

Leliana had the audacity to smirk at him when he arrived. “I hate you,” he grumbled out of the corner of his mouth, which only caused her smirk to widen.

“So grouchy! How does the Inquisitor put up with you?”

“I ask myself that sometimes,” Cullen admitted softly.

“Cassandra’s right. You don’t give yourself enough credit.”

Leliana’s words fell deafly onto Cullen’s ears. All he could focus on was the sight walking down the stairs with the Duke.

Half of Tessa’s golden-red hair was pulled back into an intricate braid that fell with the rest of her beautiful curls. She wasn’t wearing a dress like he expected. The jacket she wore was cream colored with intricate gold embroidery and the back of it extended down to her ankles. The high collar ended right below her chin and the jacket was open around her chest and cinched at the waist with a belt bearing the Inquisition’s insignia. The blouse she wore underneath was low cut and the dark blue made her eyes stand out. The simple tan colored pants and dark boots she wore finished off the look. The whole outfit helped her look like the war leader she was, yet regal at the same time.

And Cullen loved it. He rarely got to see her curves before--nor could he since she was usually bundled up in coats at Haven and she wore modest, high collared, loose fitting clothing at Skyhold--but he couldn’t help but appreciate her beauty now. The belt at her waist helped bring out her curves and Cullen especially liked how low the blouse underneath the jacket showed enough skin to be feminine but modest at the same time. 

Tessa was greeted by the Empress and the Inquisitor responded with grace and Cullen was forced to focus on the task at hand again.

He heard both Leliana and Josephine sigh in relief when the Empress seemed pleased with the Inquisitor.

Now, their work began.

Cullen’s eyes kept straying toward Tessa as she made her way around the ballroom. He also couldn’t help but notice that whenever she stepped away from some nobles, they all seemed excited and Cullen came to the conclusion that they also fell under her spell.

His mood about the nobles around him lowered more and more when he overheard some of the conversations about the Inquisitor. 

“Her skin is the wrong complexion for her hair color. I would have dyed my hair at least,” a young, snooty noblewoman exclaimed.

“Her chin is pointier than I thought it would be!” a man commented, adjusting his mask.

“Her eyes are much too big for her face. She should have worn a mask,” an older woman huffed, drinking from her wine glass.

Cullen was ready to snap, but knew he couldn’t and that frustrated him more. It also didn’t help that he now had a large group of noblewomen surrounding him with the occasional man. He didn’t know how many invitations to dance he turned down, nor did he care. He only went through the last week of torture with Josephine to dance with one woman.

His salvation came in the form of the Inquisitor as she walked over to him. “Ladies and Gentleman, may I borrow my Commander for a moment? We have to discuss important Inquisition matters,” she greeted with a wink toward him.

The gaggle of nobles were more than happy to disperse, but not too far away.

“Maker’s breath,” Cullen grumbled.

“You’ve found yourself some admirers,” Tessa teased, grinning up at him.

Cullen’s brow furrowed. “Yes, and they won’t leave me alone.”

“You don’t like the attention? By the way, that coat is handsome on you.”

Cullen’s eyes traveled down her face, which was the perfect complexion for her hair, with eyes that were big but not too big, and a cute chin to top it all off. “No. Besides,” he cleared his throat and leaned toward her a little, “the only attention worth having is yours.”

Tessa’s cheeks turned pink and her smile grew wider as she looked away bashfully. “Save me a dance later?”

The answer was out of his mouth before he could stop it. “No, thank you.”

Her face fell. “Oh.”

“No! It’s just—it’s a reflex now I’ve been asked so many times,” he quickly said, trying to correct his mistake.

Tessa arched a brow in amusement before she became serious. “Have you seen anything?”

Cullen shook his head. “No. I’ll let you know as soon as I hear anything useful.”

The rest of Cullen’s night consisted of keeping an eye out for anything amiss and trying not to get his arse grabbed again. Surprisingly, it was a man that had did it the first time and Cullen didn’t know how to respond. He had nothing wrong with men who preferred that taste, but Cullen simply wondered why the man thought just grabbing someone’s arse was acceptable.

So, the Commander of the Inquisition stood with his back to a wall most of the night to avoid another groping.

That didn’t stop the group of women from talking to him. He desperately wanted to tell these women that no; he was not single and no; he was not interested in anyone. He cursed the promise he and Tessa made to Josephine and Leliana to keep their relationship a secret here.

He saw Tessa enter the ballroom again out of the corner of his eye and he was surprised to see her move to the dance floor with Grand Duchess Florianne de Chalons. Tessa, to be frank, was a graceful dancer. She moved like she was floating on air and soon, people were gathering around to watch the Inquisitor and the Duchess dance.

The dance ended and Tessa immediately left the dance floor and headed toward a different part of the palace.

Cullen could tell by the very way she was walking that the climax to the evening was drawing near. After a short argument about what to do, Tessa ordered them to protect Celene at all costs before going to investigate another lead. 

The Commander made his way toward where his officers were waiting for the signal after the Inquisitor left the ballroom. Leliana and Josephine had caught on as well and they were moving into position. Most of the Inquisitor’s Inner Party had most likely gone with her to investigate, leaving her advisers, Madame de Fer, and Sera in the ballroom.

Sera was surprisingly proving to be more useful than Cullen thought she would be with her connections to the servants and he couldn’t count how many times he saw Tessa talking to the rogue. Vivienne was also starting her own machinations to turn things in their favor and the ballroom was buzzing with tense energy.

One of Leliana’s men quickly approached the Commander. “There were Venatori agents all over the palace grounds. The Inquisitor—“

A scared looking elf suddenly bumped into the officer. Her eyes were wide with fear and Cullen stiffened when he saw blood running down the girl’s arm. “The Inquisitor said you would protect me. Please, I promise I won’t be in the way. I—“

Cullen rested his hands on the elf’s shoulders. “She told you correctly. What happened?”

The girl never got to start her story because a burly man with a heavy Ferelden accent then barged in. “The Inquisitor said to find you.”

What in Andraste’s knickers was going on?

Cullen listened intently as both the elf and the mercenary told him their stories. He stayed next to the trembling elf, watching as his men--who were disguised as Chevaliers--got into position in every part of the ballroom.

Tessa herself finally entered the ballroom with most of her party and Cullen arched a brow at how her staff was still strapped to her back and he saw blood spattering her boots.

“Our men are in position, what are you going to do?” Cullen asked, looking toward the Duchess, who he assumed was the assassin, from what the elf girl and the mercenary told him.

Tessa held him back with a hand to his shoulder. “I’ll talk to Florianne.”

Oh no, he wasn’t about to let the woman he cared about face that viper alone. “But—“

“Trust me,” she whispered, looking up at him. She seemed so calm and sure that Cullen had no choice but to trust her. He nodded and moved to get into position.

The night ended dramatically with Tessa publicly exposing the Grand Duchess and the Duchess was detained by the Inquisition. It was almost like they had all stepped out of one of Varric’s mystery novels.

In the end, Celene lived and Gaspard was to be executed for his crimes and Briala was now working alongside Celene again, thanks to Tessa.

Cullen stood with Leliana and Josephine, being able to breathe easily for the first time that night. “Well, now that’s settled, I’m going to finally indulge in some wine. Care to join me, Josie?”

“I would love to. Where did the Inquisitor run off too? I saw the Empress and the others leave the balcony some time ago.”

The two women walked away and Cullen began to wonder where Tessa went himself. Surely she didn’t retire already?

Cole suddenly appeared near Cullen’s side. “Frustration. All children in adults’ bodies. Always complicated. His letters are simple. Why can’t everything be like that? ”

Cullen instantly knew the spirit was talking about Tessa. “Where is she, Cole?”

Cole pointed toward the balcony and Cullen quickly made his way there. He almost started to sprint when he saw the same group of noblewomen from before walking toward him.

He found the Inquisitor leaning heavily on the balcony with her head bowed.

“There you are,” he said lightheartedly, resting his forearms on the balcony.

She glanced up at him before quickly looking away again.

“Things have calmed down for the moment. Are you alright?” he asked, slowly reaching for her hand. She let him twine his fingers with hers and she let out a long sigh.

Maker, the way she looked in the moonlight made his heart leap up to his throat. How could those people call her imperfect somehow? She looked beautiful.

“I’m just worn out. Tonight has been…very long,” she finally replied, looking down at their hands.

“For all of us. I’m glad it’s over,” he agreed, squeezing her fingers.

Her nose scrunched up a little. “I just can’t believe how they act. It’s like dealing with overgrown children fighting over a toy and people got hurt because of it,” she grumbled.

Cullen brought the back of her hand up to his mouth, kissing it even though they were covered with gloves. “I know it’s foolish, but I was worried for you tonight,” he whispered.

She gave him a small grin and stepped closer to him. “It wasn’t foolish. I was worried for you too.”

Light, airy music started to filter onto the balcony from the ballroom and Cullen was surprised to recognize the tune. He even knew the dance to it. And, thanks to Josephine, what he planned to do next might not be a complete failure.

“I may never have another chance like this, so I must ask,” he started, stepping back. She arched a bewildered brow as he bowed and held out his hand. “May I have this dance, my Lady?”

Tessa stared at his hand for a moment before a wide grin spread across her face. “Of course,” she replied, placing her hand in his, “but I thought you didn’t dance?”

“For you,” he held up her hand and placed the other on the small of her back, “I’ll try.”

Cullen somehow managed to not step on her toes through the whole dance. Not that it mattered. Shortly after they started dancing, Tessa rested her cheek on his chest and they just started to sway together instead of carrying out any of the fancy movements Josephine tried to drill into him.

He heard her sigh happily and his stomach flipped at the sound.

It was the perfect ending to a bad night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, who thought it was silly to have EVERY member of the Inquisition in that outfit? It only looked good on a few people and Cullen is one of them. Tessa's outfit is based off of Snow White's outfit from season 2 of Once Upon a Time. I thought it was appropriate for climbing trellises and running around finding assassins.


	43. A Lucky Coin

Everyone’s spirits were higher than they ever been once they returned to Skyhold.

With another one of Corypheus’ plans foiled, the Inquisitor and her Inner Circle were more hopeful than they had ever been and were now planning on attacking instead of defending.

Gavin had remained at Adamant to act as their Templar contact at the keep and all orders went through him and one of Cassandra’s men. The Inquisition was able to take every precaution they could to keep the Grey Warden’s from being corrupted again and Tessa couldn’t appreciate her brother more.

Briala’s information also helped the Inquisition stop the Orlesian war for good.

And yet, Tessa was frustrated beyond belief. Wintersend was rapidly approaching—since it was finally not bitterly cold every other day—and she had no idea what to give Cullen. Gifts weren’t uncommon, but not necessary for the holiday but the Inquisitor wanted to spoil the man. He rarely did anything for himself as is and she decided this could be the perfect opportunity. She had probed him for answers many times, trying not to give her intentions away, but he was being frustrating beyond belief.

Dorian had given her an idea on how to find out the desired information, but Tessa was using that as a last resort…which was what she was considering now.

_“You’re a woman! Use your feminine wiles to get it out of him. At least I’m told that works on most men.”_

And so, that was how the Inquisitor found herself outside the Commander’s door in one of her nicest blouses late one morning. She left the ties at the top—per Dorian’s advice—a little untied and she knocked on the door. She glanced down, arching a brow at the deep blue silk. She still wore her usual belt at her waist so she didn’t feel too done up. She ran her fingers through her hair, cursing at how it knotted a little. This was why she didn't wear it down.

“Enter.”

Tessa rolled her eyes and the playful streak inside her took over. She stiffly marched into the office and stood with an overdone salute. “The Inquisitor wishes to speak with you, Ser!”

Cullen stared at her for a moment from his desk, looking completely dumbfounded before he threw back his head and laughed, leaning back in his chair.

Maker, she loved his laugh. It was awkward, endearing, and a tad nasally, but it was his.

“Tell her Worship I’m available,” he chuckled.

Tessa grinned smugly as she let the door shut behind her. “I couldn’t help it. You sounded so serious when I knocked,” she teased, hopping up to sit on his desk. 

He tossed the report he was reading onto the pile in front of him and he leaned back in his chair, clasping his hands over his stomach. “Well, if I had known it was you…”

Tessa’s mouth went dry at the sight, and she forgot her original reason for being here. He just looked so…powerful when he did that. Instead of pouncing on him like she wanted to, she rested her hands on the desk and hunched her shoulders a little as she leaned forward, causing the untied part of her blouse to reveal more of her cleavage.

A little spark of confidence flared up in her when she saw his eyes dart there for a few moments before he looked at her face again.

That was another thing Tessa had been frustrated with. As much as she appreciated how much of a gentleman Cullen was, she wished he would just let go. There had been a few times when they had been passionate and Tessa had had marks on her neck to prove it, but she wanted more. She had a feeling it had to do with what she told him about Ostwick, and she had no idea how to ask. Pushing the thought to the side, she focused on the task at hand.

_Feminine wiles, huh?_ she thought, leaning forward more and giving him what she hoped was a seductive smirk. “Do you have a few moments, Commander?”

His eyes widened and his brows shot to his hairline. “And if I do?”

Tessa leaned back on her hands, taking the view she gave him away; she hoped she was succeeding at being a tease. “Do your doors lock?”

She didn’t need to ask twice. Cullen immediately stood up and promptly locked all of his doors. He made his way back to her and he didn’t sit down again. Or Tessa didn’t let him.

She pulled him towards her as soon as he was close enough and she parted her legs enough so he could stand between them as they kissed.

Cullen’s gloved hands went to her hips and she rested hers on his shoulders, pulling him even closer.

The Commander was a very good kisser, if Tessa had to say so herself. One of his hands trailed up to the back of her head and he effortlessly deepened the kiss, guiding yet not demanding. Tessa felt as if fire was starting to simmer in her veins and electricity started to fill the air as he nipped and suckled at her lips.

Their torsos were flush now and Tessa shivered when the chill of his breastplate pressed up against her exposed skin. His warm lips started to move along her jaw and toward the special spot beneath her ear that always sent a thrill down her spine.

The scrape of his stubble against her neck caused goose bumps to appear on her skin and Tessa dug her fingers into his hair as he started to kiss down the column of her throat.

“Cullen,” she sighed breathlessly, hooking her ankles behind his thighs and pulling him closer.

His lips paused at the junction where her neck met her shoulder and he gently sucked at the spot, causing another sigh to pass from her lips.

“Maker’s breath, you are beautiful,” he said against her skin.

Tessa’s grip on his hair tightened at his words and she bit her lip to hold back the embarrassing sounds that wanted to escape. She felt him begin to pull away, like he usually did when he thought they went too far, but Tessa wasn’t putting up with it today.

“Please,” she whispered in his ear, feeling him stiffen beneath her fingers.

For once, he didn’t hesitate.

His fingers were plucking at the ties of her blouse and soon her breast band started to peak out from where the ties ended. His head dipped lower and a whimper escaped from Tessa’s lips as he started to suck and nip at her collarbones. His large hands ran down her sides and Tessa shivered when his fingers lightly grazed her breasts as they did.

Did she mention that he was the best at this?

He started to lean forward, causing her to lie back on the desk as he nuzzled at her collarbone. A delicious ache started to form low in Tessa’s belly when he rested more of his weight on her.

Tessa wound more of his hair between her fingers and she held him against her, throwing her head back to give him more access. She was sure he could hear her heart pounding through her chest and she didn’t care.

Maker, it felt as if she had liquid fire in her veins and no one had ever made her feel this way.

She let one hand slip from his hair only to start to push the sleeve of her blouse off of one shoulder.

Cullen slowly made his way back up her throat and pressed kisses to the bare skin of her shoulder before claiming her lips again. A heavy thump on the door caused both of them to jump and Tessa had to hold back a frustrated groan. She opened her eyes, frowning at the door, which was upside down from her point of view, since she was sprawled back on his desk.

To her delight, Cullen looked like he was about to ignore it and he started to nip at the edge of her breast band.

“Commander, I have news from Ser Rylan about the darkspawn. It’s urgent,” Jim’s shaky voice said.

Cullen let his forehead fall onto Tessa’s sternum as he let out a deep sigh. “Just a moment,” he finally said, sitting up straight and giving her an apologetic look.

Tessa rolled her eyes, pulling him close to give him a deep kiss. She was sure they would have plenty of time to continue this later. “Do your job,” she said with a wink, readjusting her blouse.

Cullen opened the door and Tessa tried to remain nonchalant as one could be while sitting on the Commander’s desk, not that it mattered. She couldn’t count how many times Jim has caught them. It was worse was when Cole popped in randomly while she and Cullen were spending time together.

And she thought the Circle was horrible with personal space issues.

After Jim left, Cullen slowly made his way toward her, dropping the letter on the desk beside her. “I have horrible luck,” Cullen sighed, running a hand down her arm. He twined his fingers with hers when he reached her hand. 

Tessa grinned and leaned closer to him. “It could just be me. I do always manage to get into the most dangerous or embarrassing situations possible.”

Cullen laughed through his nose and let go of her hand so he could wrap his arms around her waist and step between her legs again. “I actually wanted to ask you something, but you distracted me,” he said after she pressed a few kisses to his face.

The Inquisitor’s thin brow arched. “I distract you? How so?”

A pinch to her side and him ducking down to pepper kisses all over her neck shut her up. Tessa giggled when his stubble was grazing just light enough to tickle her.

She finally forced herself to focus and she rested her arms on his shoulders, linking her hands behind him. “What did you want to ask me, Ser?” she asked, tilting her head teasingly.

Cullen cleared his throat. “I actually have some business to attend to in Ferelden this afternoon. I was wondering if you would like to accompany me.”

“What business do you have?” she asked.

“You’ll see.”

Tessa rolled her eyes. “The last time you were this ominous, you told me you stopped taking lyrium. What is it this time?” she teased with a wink.

“It wouldn’t be a surprise if I told you, would it?”

The Inquisitor’s fingers started to play with the hair at the nape of his neck. “I suppose not…you’re lucky that I enjoy surprises so much.”

“I wouldn’t call myself lucky for that,” he purred leaning forward to kiss her again.

Dorian was right. Feminine wiles were helpful.

* * *

The trip to Ferelden didn’t turn out to be a large deal.

Tessa got to sit on Clover and look important while Cullen met with representatives of the group of neutral Templars and mages Gavin had contacted for them.

The small group looked ragged and weary as they spoke to the Commander and Tessa was able to help convince them that the Inquisition would protect them and help them now that the war was over.

They left to send word to the rest of their group and that left Tessa alone with Cullen and the small group of soldiers he brought with them. She was surprised when he told them to escort the mages and Templars back to Skyhold without them.

He mounted Phillip and grinned at her. “Follow me.”

They rode in a comfortable silence after he refused to tell her where they were going and they eventually stopped near a small lake. It almost was an over glorified pond. “Where are we?” Tessa asked and she grinned when Cullen helped her down from Clover.

He only smiled and took her hand, guiding her toward the dock nearby after they tethered the horses.

As they neared the end, he finally spoke. “You walk into danger every day. I wanted to take you away from that. If only for a moment.” He looked out at the lake wistfully. “I grew up not far from here. This place was always quiet.”

Tessa grinned. “And here I was thinking that you ran around with a wooden sword fighting evil make-believe apostates, not sit quietly.”

He let out a laugh at that. “Well, I did that too. Only the apostates were chickens or the Templar captain’s mabari. That dog was friendly with all the children, despite the fact he was bred for war. My brother and I always had to take him back the chantry because he would follow us home.”

Suddenly, Tessa’s problem from this morning was solved. The whimsical smile on his face told her how he felt about the dog. They had been talking about adding a mabari unit to the army, since half of their recruits came from Ferelden and some had grown up training them. Tessa filed away the information, telling herself to look up mabari kennels when they returned to Skyhold.

He continued talking. “And I bet you were no better. I always imagined you racing off on your little pony and acting like a war hero with your brothers,” he teased.

Tessa shrugged. “Well, you wouldn’t be wrong. I also forced them to have tea parties with me.”

He chuckled, leaning against one of the posts and Tessa couldn’t stop the beaming grin from taking over. She imagined a much younger version of Cullen—with missing teeth and untamable hair—sitting on this dock. “Did you come here often?” she asked, stepping closer to him.

Cullen huffed out a laugh, glancing over at her. “I loved my siblings, but they were very loud. I would come here to clear my head. Of course, they always found me eventually.”

“You were happy here?”

“I was,” he paused and looked out at the lake again, “I still am.”

Tessa stared out at the lake as they both got lost in their thoughts. She suddenly chuckled. “How will you survive without your parade of messengers and war reports? I wouldn’t be surprised if Jim came running over that hill.”

Cullen let out a laugh, looking at her again. “I should be able to last the day. I did tell Leliana to send word if—”

Oh no, he wasn’t going to get distracted when he brought her all the way out here. “Cullen,” she interrupted, “You. Me. A pretty lake?” 

He stood straight and stepped closer to her. “Right, of course.” His hands found hers and he ran his thumbs over the back of her knuckles and her stomach started to flutter with the action. He took a deep breath and his eyes met hers. “The last time I was here was the day I left for Templar training.” Letting go of one of her hands, he reached into his pocket. “My brother gave me this.”

Tessa felt a small, cool weight be set into her palm and she looked down to see a simple, Andrastian coin. She turned the little coin in her fingers, closely inspecting it.

“It just happened to be in his pocket…He said it was for luck,” he said with a wistful smile. That smile turned wry as he continued, “Templars are not supposed to carry such things. Our faith should see us through.”

Tessa grinned down at the little medallion. “You broke the Order’s rules? I’m shocked,” she joked, hoping to get his spirits up. He always seemed to deflate a little whenever the Templars were brought up.

Cullen smirked. “Until a year ago, I was very good at following them.” He let out a small laugh. “Well, most of the time.”

He gently held her hands again, wrapping her fingers around the coin. He stared down at their hands and Tessa couldn’t help but mirror the action. She always marveled at how big his hands were compared to hers. She had a mage’s hands; used for flipping through pages of books and whirling a staff. His were a Templar’s hands; used for holding swords and being strong.

_Complete opposites,_ she thought. But, it worked. She had never seen something that looked more right than their hands intertwined. He finally spoke again. “This was the only thing I took from Ferelden that the Templars didn’t give me.”

His grip around her fingers tightened and she heard him take a deep breath. “Humor me.”

Tessa looked up at him with arched brows. “When have I not?”

The grin that appeared made his scar move in the way that she loved. “We don’t know what you’ll face before the end. This can’t hurt,” he said softly.

Tessa couldn’t put an emotion to what she saw stirring in his amber eyes. It made her feel breathless. He was offering her something that was a big part of him for years. Should she dare take it?

“I wish I could go with you in the field, you know I do…I just thought this could be a way for me to do so,” he explained, looking down at their hands again.

Tessa felt as if the breath was sucked out of her lungs and her heart started to race. She knew he worried, he always told her so. A floating feeling started to settle in her limbs as she looked up at his face. Everything about him was so familiar, yet suddenly new for her. The line of his jaw, the curve of his brow, the arch of his nose; she knew everything. Yet, to have him here, telling her this and giving her something so important…it shone a new light on him and all she could do was bask in it.

_You love him_ , a little voice whispered in her head. The words didn’t sound new to her, despite the fact this was the first time she thought them. 

She loved his laugh. She loved the way he rubbed the back of his head when he was stressed or nervous. His smirk when he was feeling overly smug. The slight curls in his hair. The way he stood strong despite the pain he was in and had gone through. She loved how his faith was still strong after all he had gone through and his bravery through all of it. The way the corner of his eyes would crinkle up when he looked at her. She loved the little crease that would form between his eyebrows when he was being overly serious or cross. Even when they argued—whether they were in the War Room or alone—she loved how steadfast he was in his beliefs and how he was willing to fight for what he thought was right. She loved how he was supportive and nonjudgmental in any way when she told him her worries and fears. 

Maker, she loved everything about him, so she loved him.

But she couldn’t tell him that, not yet at least. So, she did the next thing she could do. “I’ll keep it safe,” she said softly.

Relief caused his shoulders to sag a little and he let out a small sigh. “Good. I know it’s foolish, but I’m glad,” he whispered, pulling her close to him.

_I love you_ , she whispered in her mind as he kissed her.


	44. Presents

“So, Curly, are you going to tell me why you wanted me to find these or not?”

Cullen picked up one of the books that Varric had set down on his desk and he dragged his fingers across the spine before looking up at Varric again. “You just want me to admit it, don’t you?”

“Damn! You caught me,” Varric chuckled, crossing his arms.

With an eye roll, the Commander stood from his spot behind his desk. “They’re for Tessa.”

“Wow, no ‘Inquisitor’ or ‘Your worship’? You guys must be serious.”

Cullen picked up the books and moved toward his ladder. “I suppose we are,” he answered with a small grin. He quickly climbed up to his loft and he dropped the books in the chest he kept his dirty clothes in. Tessa usually steered clear of it.

“So, why did you get her those specifically? One was easy to find but the others were tough to track down,” Varric asked loudly.

Cullen slid down his ladder and turned to face the dwarf. “I asked Ser Trevelyan what her favorite books were from before the Circle. Those were the ones he named.”

Varric scratched his head. “Seriously? One of those is a crummy poetry book. I know she has a sense of humor and all but these are horrible.”

“Don’t ask me.”

“Anyway,” Varric smirked, leaning back against the desk, “did I hear correctly when a scout said that you took the Inquisitor out alone the other day?”

Cullen wanted to groan in exasperation. He knew people were going to gossip about him and Tessa, that came with their titles, but that didn’t mean he had to like it. “And if I did?”

“I’m just shocked. You seem to always have three modes of action Curly; eat, sleep, and work.”

The Commander, honestly, took offense to that. “I do other things!”

“Give me one example that doesn’t involve the Inquisitor.”

Cullen opened his mouth to say that he enjoyed chess...but he usually played with Tessa. No one else played with him because he always won. Dorian was the only one who occasionally humored him every once in a while.

“Curly, you need a hobby,” Varric laughed, walking out the door. 

The Commander glanced toward his ladder and an idea flitted through his mind. He quickly climbed back up to his loft and pulled the books from the chest. He slid back down the ladder and plopped down at his desk again. He didn’t have too much paperwork at the moment and he couldn’t help but be a little curious about why Tessa had liked these books in particular.

Gavin had told him that he had always found her reading these books in the stable or in a tree house the brothers built in the forest near the Trevelyan estate when they were children. She apparently read some of the poetry aloud during their tea parties as well, which caused the Templar to frown when he told the Commander the story. 

Cullen started to imagine a younger, skinnier version of Tessa with wild hair and wearing pants with holes in the knees, reading the books in front of him. He reached for the one on top. He grinned and opened the book and he immediately knew he was reading a satire from the first sentence. 

The book was called _The Prince Groom_ and Cullen realized why Tessa would enjoy it as he read. The book had the perfect amount of wit and humor alongside the seriousness to make it enjoyable. He was surprised to find that it was also a romance. He even recognized some of the quotes and he believed it was because Tessa used them sometimes.

Before he knew it, his room was slowly growing dark and Cullen realized he spent most of his day with his nose buried in the book. He glanced down at the page he was on and grinned. 

He couldn’t wait to give her his gift.

* * *

“Why are we here of all places, Tessa? I thought people were joking about it smelling like wet dog but it seems I was mistaken,” Dorian pouted, covering his nose with a handkerchief. 

“We’re near a kennel, yeah? Are we going to get the cute brutes?” Sera giggled. 

Tessa ignored her friends' comments and kept Clover going at a steady pace toward the kennel Leliana had pointed her to. The Spymaster said that the Hero of Ferelden mentioned getting her own mabari from that kennel and Tessa supposed that it was good enough, considering what she heard about the dog. 

Soon after she and Cullen returned from their time in Ferelden, Tessa immediately started to seek out mabari kennels and Leliana had helped her find them. The way Cullen spoke of the dog that used to live at his old home and the wistful look in his eyes when he mentioned wondering what having one was like gave her the idea for the perfect gift. 

Also, who better to introduce mabari into the Inquisition’s forces than their Ferelden Commander? 

Tessa knew that the dogs could be useful beyond belief as well. They were supposedly good trackers and they could hold their own in a battle, which meant finding Venatori and Red Templars should be less difficult now. The Orlesian recruits could just shove their opinions about them up their arses.

The main building of the kennel came into view and Tessa grinned when she saw many mabari puppies racing along the edge of the fence near the entrance. All of them were wiggling and panting happily as they tried to see who was visiting. 

Tessa peeked down at the small bag she kept Cullen’s gloves in. She managed to swipe a pair before she left for her most recent trip to the Hinterlands and she even stole one of his extra blankets as well. She knew a little about mabari, thanks to Marian Hawke, and one of the few things she knew was that they needed a scent to be able to imprint.

The owner of the kennel was a quiet, stern man and the puppies immediately calmed down and sat when he walked outside. Tessa, Dorian, Sera, Cassandra, Iron Bull, and Solas stared in shock. The puppies still wiggled a little, but they were watching the kennel owner eagerly and obediently sitting.

“Shit,” Iron Bull mumbled, whistling in appreciation.

“You must be the Inquisitor. Sister Leliana sent a message saying you would be here. I’ll save you the trip inside, all of the pups that I have ready for sale is those rascals right there,” he held out a hand, “Edward Murdock at your service.”

Tessa shook his hand, glancing over at the pups. She immediately took back her thought that the man was stern with how he looked at the puppies by the fence. The expression oozed fondness. 

“What type of personality do you got?” the man asked, guiding the Inquisitor over to the fence.

Tessa bit her lip before saying, “Well, the mabari is going to be for the Commander. He is from Ferelden and we have discussed introducing mabari into our troops many times. We want to see how one works around him before introducing more.”

Edward nodded. “Good. About time these dogs are seen for what they are. Bright animals they are, too smart for their own good if you ask me. Now, what kind of personality does your Commander have? And do you have something of his?”

Tessa pulled the blanket and the pair of gloves from her pouch. “He’s a dedicated and driven person. And he’s also intelligent.” And adorable, sweet, understanding, and many other things, but she wasn’t going to tell this man that.

“I need more. The best imprint matches are the ones with the master and the dog having a similar personality. All of these dogs have those qualities.”

Tessa inwardly sighed. She had hoped to keep how much she knew about Cullen on a professional level. Then again, she never cared about the rumors about her and Cullen. “He doesn’t like nonsense and he hates wasting his time. He's stubborn and doesn't joke around often. And he prefers peace and quiet. He can be smug and protects his pride at all costs.”

Edward stared at her for a moment before huffing out a laugh. “That’ll do. Do you care if the pup is a male or a bitch?”

Tessa shook her head. “Is there a difference?”

“Mabari bitches are more protective...almost to a fault, but they’re calmer and make better guard dogs than the males. The males, on the other hand, are good for attacking and they are more aggressive all around. In my honest opinion, the bitches are smarter.”

Half of the puppies whined or growled and Edward frowned at them. “What? You know your sisters are smarter, get over it.”

Tessa almost squealed when some of the puppies huffed and the others wagged their tails happily. Maker, she didn’t know if she could make it back to Skyhold with one of these cuties. She always had a soft spot for animals, much to Josephine’s dismay.

Edward walked down the fence a little and pointed at one of the puppies on the end of the line. “You said he likes peace and quiet? And he’s no-nonsense and stubborn? Full o’ pride? So is she. One of the smartest bitches I have ever bred. She already obeys simple commands and she only gets excited around birds. I will tell you though, she will be jumpy and over excited at first because imprinting is a big deal for them. Tell your Commander that she will eventually calm down. Now, may I see those?”

The Inquisitor handed over the blanket and the gloves. Edward picked up the puppy by the scruff of its neck and tucked her under his arm. He held the gloves out in front of her nose. Tessa found herself feeling nervous as the puppy inspected the gloves. What if none of these puppies would work? 

The puppy yelped and started to strain to get closer to the gloves as Edward pulled them away. He held the puppy out to Tessa. “Wrap her up in that blanket when you travel with her and when she sleeps. Also, keep those gloves nearby and let her smell them whenever she wants. She should be wanting to see him once you get home.”

Tessa reached out and wrapped the puppy in her arms. She had beautiful, brindled black and grey fur and her big brown eyes held an intelligence that Tessa was surprised to see. She also had a big white diamond shaped patch of fur on her chest and her front paws were white.

The pup could easily be held in her arms and Tessa was wondering how such a tiny, cute thing could turn into the war dogs she saw. “Mr. Murdock, would you be willing to supply dogs to the Inquisition? And give us the names and locations of other kennel owners?”

Murdock’s eyes widened momentarily. “I thought this pup was a test run.”

“She is...but I believe that we need them and last I checked, I’m the Inquisitor. If I want mabari, we will have them.”

The kennel owner spluttered for a moment before thumping his chest proudly. “I will gladly help the Inquisition.”

Tessa beamed, scratching behind the puppy’s ears.

She couldn’t wait to give Cullen her present.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always imagined Cullen wanting/needing a mabari. And I love the idea of mabari being all different colors and stuff.
> 
> And I didn't want to make it too obvious that The Prince Groom is Thedas' version of The Princess Bride...


	45. Pepper

Skyhold was to have a small Wintersend celebration to appease the nobles that were staying there and to give everyone break.

Cullen was doing anything but, though not for the reasons anyone would expect. The Commander was hiding in the basement of the keep and he looked around at his work. He had found this room many months ago and it had taken that long to make it usable again.

He knew it would be the perfect gift.

Wintersend wasn’t the best excuse to give the Inquisitor a gift, but he didn’t care. She received gifts from everyone, but he wanted to ensure that his was something she would truly appreciate and use. He carefully closed the door behind him and hurried up the stairs, which was easier since he decided to go without his armor today. The celebration Josephine planned was to start in a few hours and he had some last minute things to finish up before he had to get ready.

He was right in the middle of finishing some last minute letters before the Inquisitor herself stuck her head in his office. She had just came back from the Hinterlands that morning and Cullen was wondering when she would show up. She was leaning around the doorframe and he couldn’t see anything past her shoulders.

“Do you have a moment?” she asked, beaming at him.

She looked happier than a child on Satinalia and Cullen could only bask in it. “For you, always,” he said with a smile, setting down his quill.

Tessa’s smile only grew, if possible. She finally stepped in, holding her hands behind her back…with difficulty. She was holding something and that something was not cooperating. Before Cullen could truly process what was happening, the Inquisitor marched over and dropped a puppy onto his lap.

The mabari was a beautiful dog. It had brindled, black and grey fur and a huge, diamond shaped white patch on its chest and its front paws were also white.

“I stole a pair of your gloves and a blanket a couple weeks ago so she would get to know your scent. The kennel owner told me that she should imprint on you because of that. She’s already house trained and everything,” Tessa explained happily, squatting next to his chair to coo at the pup.

Cullen was still trying to take in the situation. He could hardly splutter out, “What?”

Tessa looked up at him and he started to panic when worry started to settle in her eyes. “I thought you would like one, because of how you talked about your home, and I didn’t know what to get you for Wintersend. We also have been talking about adding mabari to the army and I thought it would be perfect if you had a war dog first…I know they’re a big responsibility and I can take her if you don’t—“

Cullen leaned forward and pressed his lips to hers before she could continue. She actually got him a gift? After all she had done for him already? Cullen’s heart seemed too big for his chest and he gently held her chin in his hand. “I’m just surprised. I don’t know what to say,” he said, hoping that would calm her worries.

Tessa’s eyes widened. “You don’t mind?”

Cullen scratched behind the pup’s ears and her hind leg started to kick as she gave him a big doggy smile. He wasn’t lying when he said he always wondered what owning one was like. Looks like he could finally find out. Now that he wasn’t on the move with troops or living in a Circle, he could finally indulge in having a pet again. “No…I’m just wondering why you wanted to get me something. You already do so much for me and—“

“I wanted to spoil you. Get over it,” Tessa chuckled, pinching his arm.

They both doted—well, Tessa doted—on the pup for a while before Cullen decided that if anytime was the right time, it was now. “Speaking of gifts, I have one myself,” he said, setting the puppy down as he stood.

The mabari leaned against his leg and pawed at his shin to be held again.

Tessa obliged and picked up the puppy, and it started to squirm and try to get to Cullen. “Well, I think we know who she likes,” she chuckled, handing the puppy over to him. “And what do you mean you got me a gift?”

Feeling playful and happier than he could remember, Cullen leaned over and kissed her temple. “I wanted to spoil you. Get over it,” he said against her skin, using her words against her.

Tessa opened her mouth to argue, but Cullen was pulling her out the door before she could. He stopped halfway down the bridge to the keep and he set the pup down, letting her stretch her legs.

“What are you going to name her?” Tessa asked, interlacing her fingers with his. Ever since Cullen had taken her to the lake a couple weeks ago, Tessa had been displaying their relationship more publicly and Cullen couldn’t find the heart to care whether anyone saw them.

He focused on her question and stared down at the pup, who was now racing and letting out small yips at the pigeons that usually settled on the bridge. Another dog from years ago came to his mind. His family had owned a dog on the farm and the way the puppy was chasing the birds reminded him of how the farm dog used to play with the chickens.

“Pepper,” he decided. His old dog had been one of the good things from his childhood and Cullen didn’t see why he couldn’t bring that back with the pup in front of him. And he knew Mia would love it once he could get around to writing her about it.

“I like it.”

Pepper was now yipping and trying to get up onto the railing so she could continue her chase, but the pigeons were long gone and were now small dots in the sky. Cullen picked her up and held the door open for Tessa.

The Inquisitor and the Commander looked over to see Solas napping in his chair…as usual.

“It always seems like he’s asleep,” Cullen muttered, pulling Tessa toward the door leading to the main hall.

“Well, if I could do what he does in the Fade, I would too,” Tessa chuckled quietly.

Cullen rolled his eyes and tightened his grip around Pepper before walking out into the main hall, where all of Josephine’s workers were trying to get the decorations ready for the celebration later.

“Shit, is that a mabari?”

Cullen looked and saw Varric and Iron Bull sitting near the fireplace. Varric was the one who had spoken.

“I told you that Boss bought one. Remember?” 

“And I greatly appreciate it. Now, excuse us,” Cullen said before Tessa could answer. He knew that if the Inquisitor started to talk, they would be with her friends longer than he wanted and he wanted to show her his gift now.

He quickly said goodbye to the two men before gently pulling Tessa toward the door further down in the hall.

“What the—“

“Shh.”

Tessa was now looking up at him in amusement. “Now I’m really curious about what you got me,” she laughed.

Cullen opened the door leading to the basement and he grinned at her. “Why don’t we find out?”

Tessa rolled her eyes and started down the stairs. Once they were in the basement, Cullen guided her toward the door in the back corner. “I found this room a while ago, and I know you have been trying to find a place to study quietly,” he paused and opened the door, “Most of the books were already here, but I asked around and had some more brought in after all the cobwebs were cleaned out.”

He couldn’t hold back the happiness he felt to hear her gasp softly as she stepped into the room. It was a long, narrow study that was lined from the floor to the ceiling with books. When Cullen had found it, large, wispy cobwebs had covered almost every surface. He started to come down there and clean parts of it out to distract him from the withdrawal pains when Tessa wasn't there. Soon, he was able to get it back into working order.

Cullen then put the books he asked Varric to find for him on the desk at the back, placing them in a spot they could easily be found.

Tessa let her fingertips trail gently across the spines of the books as she made her way to the large desk at the back. She glanced through the books on the desk and she gasped again. “These were some of my favorites from before the Circle. How did you—“

“Thank Gavin the next time you see him,” Cullen answered, setting Pepper down. The puppy was now sniffing at the various books and she sneezed when she inhaled too much dust.

Cullen stepped closer to Tessa and leaned back against the desk. “Do you like it?” he asked softly.

Tessa looked up at him with another beaming smile. “I don’t know what to say,” she said breathlessly, picking up a book and lovingly running her fingers along the spine.

Seeing her like this made Cullen’s heart start to race. He loved seeing Tessa do something she enjoyed, whether it was spending time with her friends, going for a ride on Clover, studying in the library, or even just reading a book in his office. She always had this soft grin that would form and it made her look even more beautiful to him.

Most importantly, she was happy when she smiled like that. Her happiness was the most important thing to him now and he was glad he could make her happy with this. Their eyes met again and Cullen suddenly realized something very important when she reached forward to hold his hand.

He had been thinking about her, himself, the Inquisition, and the future. He had wondered what was going to happen to them after this threat was dealt with, now that he had hope that they could survive all of it. He knew he would have to move on from the Inquisition eventually, but he didn’t want to move on from her in any way, shape, or form.

During all of this, Tessa had been the one thing that had been holding all of them together. She was the one who had reached out to him when he almost lost hope.

His nightmares were not as terrifying now. The pain seemed to be weaker and the song of the lyrium was not as loud. It was more of a muffled, background noise than the blaring it used to be.

And it was all because of her. She saw past the broken pieces of him and saw the person he could be and he was amazed at how she was able to help him see that person as well. He had believed that he was unfixable for so long and to have someone take the time to actually look at him and tell him that he was good enough was more perfect than he ever could have imagined.

Maker, he loved her. He loved her for her selflessness, her joy, her wit, and her honesty. He loved every one of her imperfections as well. She was the most wonderful person in the world and Cullen never wanted to let her go.

He pulled her closer to him and rested his hands on either side of her neck so he could give her a deep kiss.

Her dainty hands dropped the book and were now trailing up his back as he tilted her head back and he kissed her with everything he had.

Cullen couldn’t tell her how he felt, not yet, but he could do this.

A small whimper escaped from Tessa and something inside Cullen almost snapped. He started to imagine what other sounds she could make as he moved his lips to the corner of her mouth, up her jaw, the special spot beneath her ear. He was beginning to constantly wonder what she would sound like and he cherished these moments. He wanted to show her how much she meant to him and the thought of hearing more of those sounds soon seemed like a good idea.

Her fingers moved to his hair and he held back a groan when she tugged a little. Maker, he loved it when she did that. Cullen’s hands moved down to wrap around her torso and he pulled her even closer to him, if that was possible. Nothing seemed close enough these days.

He moved his lips to trail down her throat to where her collarbones peeked out from the neckline of her shirt and he heard her quick intake at the action. “Cullen,” she whispered, pressing kisses to his temple.

Cullen suddenly had a strong urge to see how many other ways she could say his name. He nipped at the soft skin of her collarbones and he could hear her barely hold back another whimper.

Tessa’s fingers started to pull at the back of his shirt, causing the back to become untucked and he leaned back to help her finish the job. The heat of the moment had caused his judgment to cloud over and he suddenly couldn’t care, not while she was looking at him like that. 

He had been trying to keep things slow for an important reason. She had almost been hurt in the past and Cullen wanted to ensure that she knew that he never would hurt her...and that meant taking it slow and picking up clues from her.

Her eyes were heavily hooded and his mouth went dry at the way her tongue peeked out to wet her lips.

The clues were obvious right now.

Right as he pulled his shirt over his head, a high pitched whine made them both look toward the door.

Pepper was pawing at the door and letting out loud yips.

Andraste’s knickers, he completely forgot about the dog!

Tessa looked up at him sheepishly. “I guess she needs to go outside.”

Cullen could only think about how lucky he was to have this blushing, gorgeous woman looking up at him like that. He gave her another deep kiss before moving toward the door, pulling his shirt back on as he went.

A small giggle caused him to look over his shoulder at her. “What is it?” he asked, tucking his shirt back in.

“Nothing…Curly.”

Cullen’s eyes widened when he realized that he was far away from his comb and hair grease and Tessa probably pulled everything out of place. “Maker,” he grumbled, patting at his hair.

Tessa stepped over and ran her fingers through his hair. “It looks fine. It’s only curling a little at the back,” she laughed, still blushing.

She pecked his chin. “Now, go let your new dog out and I’ll see you at the celebration later. We probably don’t have much time.”

Cullen grumbled about fancy parties and moved to do as he was told. The uniform Josephine gave him for this event wasn’t as extravagant or stiff as the one he wore to the Winter Palace, but it was still overdone for his taste.

Pepper gnawed on a bone Cullen managed to swipe from the kitchen as he buttoned up the burgundy coat and dusted his hands off on the charcoal colored pants and he frowned at how his black boots shined. He felt like a pompous arse in these clothes. “At least there are no sashes this time,” he growled. He moved to try to tame his hair. The scent of the lemon in his hair grease helped calm his nerves a little.

He hated large parties and he honestly didn’t know why they needed one for Wintersend. Deciding to piss some people off—mainly Vivienne, since she forced Josephine to get this outfit for him—, Cullen patted his leg and Pepper instantly perked up. He was just going to have Jim watch her during the celebration, but he suddenly couldn’t care less.

Pepper let out snuffling noises as she sprinted over to the door. Cullen couldn’t help but grin at the puppy. He honestly was glad he had the dog now; it would give him an excuse to take more breaks from the paperwork he had to deal with. He imagined the puppy being full grown and he couldn’t help but smirk.

He remembered seeing the Hero of Ferelden’s mabari years ago when she would occasionally visit the tower after she saved it. It was a beautiful creature and he remembered how powerful the tiny woman looked with the dog beside her.

Maybe people would tease him less when they saw the war dog next to him. He already knew that Sera liked them, but didn’t mess with them. Pepper could probably warn him about possible pranks now. And he knew Bull would know of their capabilities. 

Pepper obviously was given a little training before Tessa had bought her. Now that she had calmed down a little, she was padding at his side, letting out a small woof every once in a while when she saw a pigeon. He stopped to see what she would do and she stopped as well and sat…with difficulty. She was wiggling and whining a little when a pigeon landed on roof above the door.

Tessa would have been gushing if she saw this.

Cullen made his way through the rotunda and he finally entered the main hall. Streamers were everywhere and large platters of food were at every table. The smells reached his nose and his mood lifted a little.

“What is that?!”

Cullen looked and saw Vivienne stomping toward him, her high heeled boots clicking on the floor. She pointed a manicured finger down at Pepper. “Get that mongrel out of here.”

“No.”

“But—“

“She’s a war dog in training. It will help to have her around all of these Ferelden nobles,” he explained, arching a brow at her.

Vivienne looked like she was about to explode for a moment before she calmed down a little. “Fine. But I’m not going to take responsibility if it acts up, my dear.”

She swept away from him with her nose in the air and Cullen’s mood considerably lightened. He looked down at Pepper, who was sitting next to him again and panting up at him with a doggy smile.

“Good girl.”

He made his way toward where Josephine and Leliana were standing. Their table was set up where the Inquisitor’s throne would usually be. There were places set for them and some of the nobles visiting.

Josephine looked upset as he approached and he wondered if she was going to yell at him for bringing Pepper too.

Thankfully, that was not the case.

“We are already behind! The dinner was supposed to be ready ten minutes ago and the Inquisitor is not even down here yet and—“

Josephine whined and pinched at the bridge of her nose.

“Don’t worry, Josie. It’s only King Alistair and a few other Ferelden nobles. Trust me, he won’t mind,” Leliana said, patting the Ambassador’s shoulder.

Josephine stiffened when she saw Cullen and his new friend. “Is that—What is a dog doing in here?!” she hissed.

Pepper just wagged her stump of a tail and gave her an extra big dog grin.

“It’s a mabari.”

“I can see that it’s a mabari, Commander, but what is it doing here?!”

“She was a gift and I thought the nobles would appreciate her, since they are all from Ferelden,” he said, sticking to his new excuse. He was lying when he told Vivienne that…he honestly just wanted to piss the woman off, but Josephine didn’t deserve this.

He didn’t have long to feel sheepish because Leliana was the one that came to his defense this time. “It’s true. Fereldens love mabari. I remember traveling with one during the Blight and he was loved everywhere we went.”

The door to the Inquisitor’s quarters opened, causing everyone to look over at the woman walking out from it.

Cullen’s heart started to thunder in his chest and all he wanted to do was to steal Tessa away and keep her to himself.

Tessa’s dress was a light blue color and the top parts had a scale like pattern sewn into it. The sleeves were short and they barely covered her shoulders and the neckline was daring yet modest, showing only a little of her cleavage. The belt she wore was accented with a gold leaf and it caused the skirt of the dress to float around her legs.

She saw him and tucked her curly hair behind her ear, giving him a bashful smile.

Maker, he was lost.

“Don’t stare too long, Commander,” Leliana teased out of the corner of her mouth as everyone else in the hall bowed or curtsied. He quickly moved to do the same.

Tessa excused everyone and started to walk toward her advisors. “You brought Pepper along?” she laughed. Cullen could see her fighting the urge to reach down and coo at the puppy.

“You got him that dog?!” Josephine asked, pointing an accusing finger at her.

“Yes, I did.”

“You are lucky we have mostly Fereldens here. Orlesians hate them,” the Ambassador hissed.

Tessa rolled her eyes and looked at Cullen. “Care to accompany me as I mingle, Commander?”

Cullen gave her a warm smile. “Of course.”

He held out his arm and she took it with a beaming grin. “Do you think they’ll scold us for being like this in public?” she whispered.

“I honestly don’t care anymore.”

Tessa let out a soft laugh and she smiled down at how Pepper was obediently staying by Cullen’s side. “Well, the kennel owner wasn’t lying when he told me she had basic training. We’ll have to see if we can get a trainer to come to Skyhold for the war dog part.”

“I’m sure that won’t be a problem.”

Tessa had pulled him over to where the King of Ferelden was talking to who Cullen assumed was the Arl of Redcliffe.

“Inquisitor. Commander,” King Alistair greeted as they all bowed their heads to each other.

“Are you enjoying your stay here, your Majesty?” Tessa asked.

And so the boring small talk began. Cullen was impressed with how Tessa was able to handle it. He almost forgot that she was a noble herself.

His heart dropped at the thought. Outside of the Inquisition, he had nothing. Would she care? He didn’t think she would, but he worried anyway. He shook the thoughts away when the King started to act like how Cullen remembered. The one liners were funny yet borderline annoying.

Tessa, though, seemed to be enjoying herself. Then again, he wasn’t shocked. King Alistair wasn’t the typical noble and he didn’t have the high expectations the rest of the nobles had. Soon, the Inquisitor and the King were chatting like old friends and Cullen got to admire how Tessa smiled through the whole conversation.

“You were right to have Leliana help with the Venatori that were in Denerim. I wish Eryn was there to see it. All that spying and excitement would have reminded us of the good old days,” the King was saying.

A small yip suddenly had everyone looking down at Pepper, who was now pawing at the King’s boots. Cullen was mortified. “My Lord, I apologize. She is still in training and—“

King Alistair waved him off and Arl Teagan actually winced. “Don’t worry. She probably smells Bear. That dog always chews on my boots—well, the left one at least. He seems to only like my boots for some reason.” He gestured to the pup. “May I?”

Cullen stared at him with wide eyes, nodding.

He suddenly remembered that the dog he admired so long ago was still alive and now got to chew on the King’s boots.

King Alistair picked up Pepper and he inspected her. “Queen Eryn taught me how to see if a mabari was well bred or not. This one’s going to be impressive.” Pepper was now squirming in the King’s arms and managed to reach up and lick his chin. Cullen had to remind himself that the man standing in front of him was the King of Ferelden as he started to coo at the pup.

Arl Teagan’s face started to turn into an ashy color.

Apparently, things like this happened often.

Tessa, meanwhile, was breaking ten of Josephine’s rules and started to coo at the puppy as well.

Cullen found it more endearing than horrific.

More nobles from Ferelden came to see what the King was cooing at and more of them started to join in. Soon, Pepper was at the center of the attention and Cullen found himself staring dumbfounded at what just happened outside the crowd of nobles. 

Tessa huffed beside him. “I picked one that was too cute. I should have got an ugly one.”

Cullen smirked down at her. “Is there such a thing as an ugly puppy?”

“Yes, there is a hairless breed in the Free Marches and they look like overgrown rats.”

Laughter bubbled past Cullen’s lips before he could stop it. She started to giggle with him. “Josie is right, it’s a good thing we have mostly Fereldens here.”

Pepper, though, was getting overwhelmed and she started to whine. “All right! She wants her daddy back. You know how mabari get when they’re away from their master,” King Alistair announced, setting the puppy down.

Pepper raced through the legs of some nobles to get to Cullen, causing more cooing and laughter in the crowd.

Well, at least Josephine won’t have to worry about the dog being a problem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I love the idea of a mabari being at Skyhold. I waited the whole game to see one and I never got one and I want my mabari dammit! And any Ferelden Chantry boy with a puppy makes my heart happy.


	46. Cassandra Pentaghast: Expert on Love

Most people wouldn’t expect to find the Inquisitor lying on the floor and pouting up at the ceiling, but that was what she was doing. 

Tessa didn’t even jump when Cassandra opened the door to her new little library. The mage was lying on the floor near the large desk and she had her feet propped up on the chair. Many books were scattered around her. 

The Seeker stopped next to the Inquisitor’s head, staring down at her with a frown. 

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing.”

Cassandra arched a brow. “You only do this when you’re frustrated or at a dead end. What is troubling you?”

Tessa sighed, and threw an arm over her face. The thing she had been contemplating regarded her and Cullen’s relationship. Tessa felt that she wanted to be...physically closer to him but she had no idea how to even bring up the topic she was so embarrassed. It was like the beginning of their relationship all over again. 

She blushed thinking about how they both almost got carried away in that very spot. She couldn’t focus at the war table meeting this morning because she could only imagine her Commander pulling off his shirt. 

Another reason she was afraid to approach the subject was that Cullen always seemed tense when they did have moments like that, and she wondered if it had to do with what happened to him at Kinloch. Desire demons did put a damper on things that involved desire after all.

Considering how Cassandra had given her advice in the past, Tessa decided to throw caution to the wind. 

“When do couples usually start sharing a bed?” she blatantly asked, not moving her arm. There was no way she could look the Seeker in the eye right now.

Cassandra sighed and Tessa heard the scrape of some of her books being moved across the floor before the woman sat down. “It depends.”

Tessa huffed out a tired laugh. “I’ll admit, I have some baggage concerning that, but I am sure that I would not have a problem with-” Tessa cut herself off with a heavy sigh. 

“You are unsure of how you would react or are you unsure of what he wants?” Cassandra asked, sounding amused.

“Both?” Tessa admitted shyly.

“You need to talk to him or just let it happen on its own. Forcing it is not good in any situation.”

“Says the woman who’s a living battering ram?” Tessa teased, lifting her arm a little to cheekily smile at the Seeker.

Cassandra rolled her eyes and shoved on Tessa’s shoulder a little. “I know more about these things than you think. Trust me.”

Tessa pondered what her friend said for a moment before finally nodding. “Thank you, Cass. Now, I know you didn’t come down here to talk about my nonexistent sex life,” the Inquisitor laughed, sitting up.

Cassandra pushed herself up and helped the mage to her feet. “Leliana was looking for you. She may have discovered something concerning Calpernia.”

Before the Seeker could say anything else, the Inquisitor was racing out of her office without another word.

“Ugh.”


	47. Headaches

This had to be the worst headache in the history of headaches. 

The Commander of the Inquisition was not pleased in the least because he couldn’t afford to lay down and wait for this headache to pass either. He had his head in his hands while he sat at his desk. Both of his elbows were on top of the many reports and messages he had to review and it almost seemed like they were laughing at him. 

A soft knock on his door almost made him groan. Who needed what now? He heard the jingle of Pepper’s collar as she lifted her head from her spot beside him. The mabari seemed to sense that her master was having trouble, despite her young age and she wasn’t barking or anything like she normally would. 

He didn’t answer, hoping that the person would get the hint and just _leave_ , but the soft knocks sounded again. Hold on. None of his soldiers knocked softly. The only person that did that was…

“Cullen?”

The click of Pepper’s nails sounded on his floor as she stood and he heard her start to pant and he knew a doggy smile had to be on her face. The mabari finally seemed to get the hint that Tessa was important to Cullen and she was starting to warm up to the Inquisitor.

While the Commander was happy to hear the Inquisitor’s voice, he was wondering why he was hearing it two days early. She and the group she took with her to the Exalted Plains to investigate a ruin and were not due til the end of the week. He forced himself to stand and he slowly made his way to the door across from his desk. Pepper followed right on his heels and she was starting to wiggle and jump around happily. 

He opened it and he forced a smile through the pain. Standing was not a good idea. Pepper suddenly whined. Cullen suddenly wondered if mabari could read minds. 

Tessa was still in her field gear and he assumed that she had just got back. She was holding a kettle in her hand by the handle and two cups in the other. Her thin brows pinched right away. “What’s wrong?”

Of course she would notice. 

“It’s just another headache. It will pass,” he answered, trying to sound reassuring as he stood to the side to let her enter. He knew her training as a spirit healer will make his lie obvious, but she didn’t press the issue at the moment.

She quickly walked in and set the kettle and cups down on his desk before squatting down and letting Pepper sniff at her hands. “I brought tea. Maybe it will help,” she said with a smile, beckoning to him. 

Cullen took her outstretched hand and pulled her to him first, wrapping his arms around her shoulders. She easily tucked her head under his chin and wrapped her arms around his waist and his heart felt too big when she nuzzled against him. He wasn’t wearing his armor today so he could feel her every touch. 

He rested his cheek on top of her head, letting out a long breath as he closed his eyes. “When did you get back?”

“An hour ago. I had to make sure some artifacts we found were properly handled. Well, it was more Solas and Dorian telling me what to tell the soldiers.”

Despite his pounding head, Cullen had to grin. 

Tessa finally pulled away and gestured toward his desk. “How much does it hurt?” she asked, brows pinching in concern. 

Cullen struggled to find the right words, so he wouldn’t have to tell her that even keeping his eyes open was painful, but his silence was enough apparently. Pepper let out a soft bark. It was almost as if she was tattling on him.

Tessa smiled down at the mabari. “That bad, hm? He doesn’t tell anyone anything, does he?”

Another bark was her answer. Cullen shook his head. These two females were going to be the death of him someday. 

“Do you trust me?” she asked softly, reaching forward to hold one of his hands in both of her own.

“Of course.” Why would she ask him that? She only asked him that when—oh…

“I know you said healing magic doesn’t make it go away, but I want to try something.” She looked nervous and he could tell that she was over thinking about how he would react. She always frequently asked if he was alright with her casting around him and it just proved to him how much she thought about others. It was another thing that made her...Tessa. 

A healing spell didn’t sound that horrible at the moment either. It would at least get rid of some of the tension in his body. Cullen liked to think that he was alright with most magic now. Then again, he never truly had a bad experience with Tessa’s magic before and he knew this time wouldn’t be an exception. 

“Alright,” he finally said. His head was starting to throb enough to keep him from thinking straight now and he was ready to take any solution. 

Tessa guided him to his desk chair and she poured the tea in a cup and handed it to him. “Just relax,” she gently ordered, pulling off her gloves. 

Pepper sat down beside them, cocking her head in curiosity as her wide, intelligent eyes took in the situation.

Cullen could smell the peppermint in the tea and a warm feeling grew in his chest from the smell. This was Tessa’s favorite tea and she always had some in the morning. To know that she had intended to share her one moment of peace she usually spent alone with him made him feel giddy, despite his headache.

“My hands are going to feel a little cold,” Tessa explained. “And you might have a tingling feeling from the spell.” 

Cullen could feel the warm feeling of her energy as she started the spell. Her fingertips traced his hairline and he couldn’t hold back a shiver. “A little cold?” he managed to tease, closing his eyes with a grin. 

She huffed, but Cullen could hear the smile behind it. Her magic started to probe at him, leaving a tingling, soothing feeling in its wake. Her cold fingers started to trail through his hair and he couldn’t help but sigh. 

He didn’t know why, but he always loved having his hair played with. He would never admit it to his friends or family though. 

The combination of her cold hands on his scalp and her magic was actually having an effect on the pain. The pressure behind his eyes was slowly disappearing and the only ache now was around his temples. His brain felt like it could actually fit into his skull again as the pressure there was taken away from her touch.

“Where is it bothering you the most?” she asked, moving her fingers toward his hairline again. 

“Temples,” he managed to groan, letting his head fall back against her stomach as he started to melt into the chair. Maybe he should ask for this more often.

Her soft, slightly calloused fingertips started to rub at his temples and he groaned, sagging into his chair more. “Maker,” he sighed. 

Tessa’s soft giggle reached his ears and he could feel the warmth of her skin against his face as she leaned down and peck him on the forehead. “It’s working?” 

“Don’t stop.”

She hummed in reply and stood up straight again, to Cullen’s disappointment.

“Do you know what spell was used the last time you tried this?” she asked, changing the direction she was rubbing on his skin. 

“No, but it didn’t feel like this.”

“Was it a warmer feeling? And did it leave a strange feeling behind like…” she paused and Cullen could picture her looking up in thought as she tried to find the right words, “like when you get pins and needles in your foot or something after it fell asleep?”

Cullen furrowed his brow in thought. “It did, actually. Is that a bad thing?”

“Yes! They tried to treat an injury, not a headache specifically. They tried to fix something that wasn’t there which means you went to an idiot or someone who only had basic training with healing spells. The basic healing spells will do nothing for a migraine.”

The Commander dared to open one eye slightly to look up at her and he was pleased to find that it wasn’t painful to keep it open. “I’m lucky I have you then, don’t I? I just thought all healing magic felt like that.”

She grinned at him before letting out a soft laugh. “I suppose you are. And no, certain spells should feel differently depending on what is being healed or cured.” 

Cullen closed his eye again and just basked in the feeling of his headache disappearing. Soon, it was almost entirely gone and he was just enjoying the feeling of Tessa’s fingers running through his hair.

He almost whined when she finally pulled her hands away and she leaned closer to him as he opened his eyes. “Better?” she asked, giving him a warm smile. 

Cullen’s heart got caught in his throat as he tried to think of something that would express how grateful he truly was. She just saved him from a horrible day and he could actually get some work done now.

He reached up and pulled on her arm until she was moving toward the front of his chair and she finally got what he was hinting. She settled herself on his thigh, wrapping her arms around his neck before she leaned forward to give him a kiss. He wrapped his own arms around her waist, holding her close.

“Now,” she said, turning slightly to grab the cup of tea she poured herself, “besides the headache, what has been happening while I was gone?”

He gave her a quick rundown of what happened over the past week and a half and he asked her about the ruins before she could ask him anything else. 

Cullen usually didn’t care for old ruins or anything of that sort. He was usually the one who had to fight to stay awake during history lessons in the Chantry. But it was always interesting when Tessa talked about it because she added her own, adorable sense of curiosity to it that a grumpy Sister could never accomplish. 

He had to admit, he used to think how she could ramble about magic and theories and anything else slightly annoying when he first met her. It bothered him because he thought she was just trying to show off how much she knew. He was soon proven wrong when he discovered that she wasn’t doing anything of the sort. 

Tessa truly was excited about anything she learned and she simply just couldn’t keep it to herself.

Her eyes were lit up as she talked about the artifacts they had found and Cullen couldn’t help but start to think about how much he actually cared for her. 

Which lead to another problem he was facing. He desperately wanted to tell her that he loved her, but he had no idea how she would take that confession. Maker’s breath, but did he want to. After he had this revelation about his relationship with Tessa, he had been trying to think of ways to tell her. Whenever he had the courage he suddenly would come to the decision that it wasn’t the right moment, or it wasn’t romantic enough, or…whatever excuse his mind could come up with.

Soon, they both remained silent and slowly sipped their tea, looking out at how the sun was slowly rising over the keep. Cullen rested his forehead on her shoulder, just enjoying her presence.

As soon as they finished the tea, she got up to leave so she could get cleaned up and start the day. 

Cullen followed her to the door and pulled her into another hug. “Thank you, for everything,” he said in her ear, pressing a kiss to her temple. 

She smiled up at him and rested a hand on his cheek, gently running her thumb over his scar. She had taken to doing that frequently when they were together and Cullen found himself loving the action. “You’re welcome. Dinner in my quarters tonight?”

“Of course.”

Her smile became beaming and she reached up on the tips of her toes to press a kiss to his lips, which he returned eagerly. 

She finally left and Cullen couldn’t help but watch as she walked away across the bridge to the keep. 

Andraste preserve him, he was lucky to have her. 

“Safe and solid, protecting and proud. You feel like quiet, stronger when she holds you.”

Cullen jumped and looked to see the spirit -what was his name? - perched on top of his desk, inspecting one of the tankards he used as a paperweight. 

“What?” Cullen asked. Cole! That was his name.

“You want to tell her but you’re afraid, yet not at the same time. Caring, she’s always caring. Giving so much of herself to everyone but her. Wish I could do more for her. She is breaking the chains and the fear of having nothing to give in return remains. She doesn't think like that. She wants you to say something."

The Commander stared at the spirit, dumbfounded, and Pepper’s soft woof was the only thing that could be heard for a moment. 

“You’re right,” he finally whispered, rubbing the back of his head. 

“I helped?” Cole asked, perking up as he hopped off Cullen’s desk.

“I suppose you did.”

“I am glad.” He paused and tilted his head, causing his ridiculously large hat to become skewed. 

And then he was gone.

Cullen stood in confusion for a moment. 

Wait, why was he standing in the middle of his office like an idiot? He remembered Tessa walking out and then...nothing.

Cullen shook his head and made a note to remember to ask Tessa if her healing spell could possibly have side effects.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cole's comments about Cullen always make my heart hurt


	48. Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW! NSFW!!! (And I'm horrible at this so I apologize beforehand)

Sahrnia was a disaster.

Red Templars were everywhere and a demon of all things had taken over the keep near Sahrnia. Tessa wanted to forget everything she saw while she was there. Red lyrium was officially the worst substance in existence and she swore that once Corypheus was dealt with she would use the Inquisition to get rid of every bit of it.

The fact that the Red Templars were _growing_ it from people infuriated and horrified her. The face of the young woman on the bluff near the quarry kept appearing in her mind and she couldn’t shake the image away.

It also didn’t help that she had to judge the person who sold the mines to the Red Templars in the first place. It was going to be another big, fat, and difficult decision she had to make

She couldn’t talk about it right now, and all of her friends brought it up when she chatted with them. They didn’t even get the hints when she tried to change the subject. Tessa was more horrified than usual because she kept seeing her brother’s face every time she killed a Red Templar. She kept thinking about how he could have easily been one of them and the thought terrified her. She didn’t even want to think about Sahrnia. Thankfully, there was one person in Skyhold who would know that.

Her feet were carrying her toward Cullen’s door before she could truly process wanting to go there. They couldn’t spend time together after their meeting in the War Room. He had other duties to attend to and she had to follow up on some business in Skyhold and they agreed to meet later.

She slipped into his office and she couldn’t help but grin at how he was in his element. Many of his scouts and soldiers surrounded his desk and he was so engrossed in his work that he didn’t notice her enter. She leaned back against the wall next to the door and she couldn’t stop the proud grin that came to her lips.

Pepper let out a soft yip and scrambled over to her. Tessa held back a squeal, glad that the puppy started to tolerate her more.

Pepper had doubled in size over the last few weeks and Tessa was almost knocked off balance when the mabari stood on her hind legs and rested her paws on her thigh.

Cullen finally noticed Tessa and he stopped mid-sentence, giving her a smile before finishing his orders.

Tessa’s heart started to race when he smiled at her and butterflies started to float in her stomach.

It was impressive how fast he was able to herd the soldiers out of the room. He finally shut the door behind them and just let his head hang for a moment. “There’s always something more. Isn’t there?” he sighed.

“Long day?”

Cullen laughed through his nose and stood up straight. “I shouldn’t complain.” He turned away and started to walk back to his desk. “This war won’t last forever. When it started, I hadn’t considered much beyond our survival. But things are different now.”

Tessa followed him, wondering where he was going with this. Cullen only spoke like this when he wanted to make a point and she tried to see beyond his words.

“What do you mean?” she asked, scratching behind Pepper’s ears.

Cullen sighed and moved toward the door. Pepper bounced behind him and he let the mabari sprint out and shut it again. He rubbed the back of his neck as he stepped back to her side. “I find myself wondering what will happen after. When this is over, I won’t want to move on…” He paused and Tessa could see his throat bob as he reached up and tenderly ran the backs of his knuckles down her cheek. “Not from you.”

Tessa’s heart began to thud against her ribcage. Right as she opened her mouth to answer, he turned away.

“But I don’t know what you—that is, if you ah…” He started to fumble with random things on his desk, avoiding her gaze.

She blinked in disbelief and she felt a loving grin come to her lips. Silly man, did he really think she wouldn’t want to be with him after all of this? He was one of the few things that made being Inquisitor bearable. He was always there to offer her advice without judgement and he always supported her when it almost seemed too much. There were countless times when she found herself crying in his arms, but he never berated her and always told her he believed in her.

It was amazing what a simple act could do.

She bit her lip playfully before moving between him and his desk. “Cullen, do you need to ask?” she teased softly, leaning back against the desk.

His expression softened and he stepped closer to her, causing their torsos to almost touch. “I suppose not. I—”

Tessa felt her elbow collide with something and the sound of shattering glass interrupted him and she let out a surprised squeak. They both looked over and saw what remained of an empty bottle shattered on the floor.

Their gazes met again and Tessa felt her cheeks redden.

Cullen’s eyes suddenly darkened and a playful smirk appeared on his lips. He reached behind her and swept everything else off his desk.

“Cull—“

His lips were on hers and Tessa’s chain of thought disappeared. When he kissed her like this, she wasn’t the Inquisitor. She wasn’t the Circle Mage. She wasn’t the nobleman’s daughter. She was just Tessa. His hands ran up her sides and one slowly made its way to her hair, gently tugging so he could deepen the kiss.

Tessa opened up to him, leaning back on the desk so he could crawl over her. She started to tug frantically at anything she could reach. Maker, she wanted to show this man how much she cared about him. He still doubted and she wanted to wipe all of those doubts away. She shivered when she could feel his thigh slipping between her own as he rested more of his weight on her. She almost whimpered when his hips rolled against hers.

His kisses started to turn more tender before he pulled away, hovering over her. “What do you want, Tess?”

Her heart skipped a beat...like it did whenever he called her that. Tessa reached up and held his jaw in her hands, running her thumb over his scar. “You. All I want is you,” she said breathlessly. She was beginning to tremble from all of the emotions swirling through her and it made her feel lighter than air.

He kissed her tenderly again and Tessa’s heart was overflowing. Maker, she wanted to let him know he had always been good enough and that she would always want him. She basked in the flood of heat and energy that now thrummed in her veins from his touch. “Are you alright?” he asked, pressing kisses to her cheek, her jaw, her neck.

Tessa’s brows pinched. She felt she knew why he was asking, but she didn’t want those memories to ruin this moment. “Why wouldn’t I be?” she chuckled, pulling him up for another kiss. Her hands moved to his shoulders and she tried to get his outer coat off.

He sat up on his knees and finished the job for her. Maker, she could die happy now that she has seen Cullen Rutherford shrugging off his coat while looking at her like that. The look that reminded her of silk slowly turned into one of worry. “Well, I know that you were almost hurt this way and I don’t want to...” He let out a long breath as he looked away, not finishing the sentence.

It all suddenly made sense.

That’s why he has always held back. He thought she would be reminded of what almost happened to her at Ostwick if he didn’t. And here she was scared that he would be reminded of what happened to him in Ferelden.

Maker, she didn’t think she could love him more, but at this point it was possible. Her soft laughter caused him to focus on her again. “Cullen, this and what happened is like night and day,” she explained, reaching up and tugging at his belt. He was wearing far too much.

“But—“

“I want you, Cullen. I trust you.”

Those words seemed to convince him because his eyes darkened again and he started to tug at the belt for her. He tossed that to the side and started to slowly pull off his gloves and vambrances. Tessa laid back and watched the show. The way he methodically and slowly removed his armor as he stared at her made a fire begin to flare deep in her belly and all she could do was sit back and bite her lip.

His breastplate was gently dropped to the floor and he reached back and pulled his shirt over his head.

Tessa almost whined when he tossed his shirt to the side, almost not believing what was happening was even real. She wondered how she thought her life was complete without the sight of Cullen removing his shirt. She wanted to see it again and again after that time in her library. She focused in on the sight in front of her, fingers twitching to reach up and touch wherever she could.

Cullen was the most beautiful man she had ever seen. His body was muscled from years of training and wearing armor and he didn't let himself go after becoming Commander. Tessa reached up and lightly trailed her fingertips over one of the scars on his chest and she heard him inhale quickly at the touch.

His skin was warm and the light dusting of chest hair made the moment seem more real to her. He reached up and wrapped her hand in his before pressing kisses to her fingertips. Her heart felt too big for her chest at the action and each kiss sent another jolt of energy to the fire burning in her stomach. 

She pulled her hand from his grasp and started to work at the buttons of her tunic.

Cullen gently pushed her hands away and started to work at the buttons himself with slightly trembling fingers.

She wondered how he could possibly be nervous; she was the one who had never done anything like this before. She wasn’t afraid because she knew he would never hurt her.

As her tunic was pushed away, revealing her breast band and her bare skin, Tessa’s stomach rolled with insecurity, despite her earlier thought. What if he didn’t like what he saw? All of her insecurities, like her hip size and scars, suddenly seemed to be blatantly obvious. She felt her cheeks heat up even more and she avoided his gaze, biting her lip.

“Maker’s breath,” he whispered. 

Then his mouth seemed to be everywhere. Tessa could only lay her head back and sigh as he pressed kisses to almost every inch of her exposed skin. His warm lips and stubble caused goosebumps to rise on her skin and she ran her fingers through his hair, tugging appreciatively. He kept whispering compliments into her skin and Tessa wondered what she had done to deserve this man. His hands trailed up her sides and she whimpered when she felt his thumbs graze the sides of her breasts.

A jolt of pure heat ran through her body at the touch and she pulled him back up to kiss him hard on the mouth. She moved her lips to his scar and tentatively traced it with her tongue and something that sounded like a deep growl came from his throat. A shiver ran down Tessa’s spine at the sound. She wanted to hear that noise again.

She squeaked in surprise when he suddenly got off the desk and helped her off as well. “What are—“

“As much as I would like to, our first time—your first time—is not going to be on a desk,” he huskily explained, resting his hands on her hips.

Tessa glanced over at the mess they made of his office. “I don’t mind. I mean, the desk felt sturdy and—“

“Tess.”

“But—“

“Up the ladder, now,” he ordered, pressing kisses to her face.

“You have to let go of me first, Ser,” she teased, resting her hands on his forearms and catching his lips with hers.

He started to guide her toward the ladder, never breaking the kiss. Tessa finally broke the kiss and climbed up the ladder. She heard his quick intake of breath as she made her way up slowly and she couldn’t help but feel triumphant. She never was good at seduction. The fact she could cause Cullen to react without even trying was empowering.

She finally made it up to his loft and he was right behind her. Before she could say anything, his hands grabbed her jaw and she couldn’t hold back a tiny moan when he gave her the most passionate kiss of her life. The way his lips nipped and suckled at her own made her mind reel and she craved more. Her hands scrambled to cling to his back as the back of her legs touched his mattress.

She squealed with laughter as they fell to the bed and his lips were everywhere again. His lips and tongue left trails all over her torso and Tessa felt as if she was melting into a puddle of desire. Did she mention he was good at this?

His lips grazed the top edge of her breast band and he looked up at her.

Realizing what he was silently asking, she nodded.

Cullen slowly reached underneath her and Tessa arched her back to make it easier for him to reach the clasp. He slowly removed the strip of cloth and Tessa squeezed her eyes shut, resisting the urge to cover herself when her breasts were finally bare.

She knew her whole face was probably an embarrassing shade of red and all of Tessa’s insecurities surfaced again. What if he thought they were too small? What if the three moles she had on her right side near her breast bothered him? What if—

“Tess, look at me,” he gently urged, running his thumbs across her cheeks as he cupped her face, settling his weight back on top of her.

Tessa forced herself to look at him and she saw none of the rejection she feared.

“You are so beautiful, do you know that?” he asked quietly, pressing kisses to her nose, mouth, forehead and anywhere else he could reach.

“Apparently not,” Tessa managed to gasp out. Andraste’s tits, she couldn’t stop joking around for one moment, could she? Here she was, in bed with a gorgeous, amazing man, and she was cracking sarcastic remarks.

He let out a soft laugh. “That’s my fault then, I haven’t told you enough.”

Tessa’s heart threatened to burst out of her chest from his words and tears almost started forming in her eyes. Maker preserve her, she didn’t know if she would live through this if he kept saying things like that. 

“You’re not bad to look at yourself,” she replied breathlessly, trying to control her emotions while wrapping her arms around his neck.

“You don’t believe me?” he asked, arching a brow at her in bewilderment.

Tessa pulled him closer and they both let out small gasps when her breasts pressed against his warm skin. The sensation of her nipples dragging across his skin was enough to make her tremble. No wonder people made a big deal about this, they haven’t done anything past kissing and take off their shirts and Tessa felt like she was about to almost explode.

“I have moles, stretch marks, scars, and—“

“I don’t care,” he chuckled, kissing up her jaw toward her ear.

“Three moles form a triangle on my side. It’s strange. At least my friends told me so at the Circle.”

Cullen pulled away and sat up, his eyes trailing over her skin. Oh dear, she shouldn’t have mentioned the moles.

He found them and she let out an airy moan when he pressed kisses to them. Alright, she didn’t mind those moles now. His hands came up her sides and she bit back another moan when he finally touched her breasts. It felt as if small jolts of electricity were shooting through her as he grazed his thumbs over the sensitive peaks.

She threw her arms above her head, not knowing what to do with her hands as her thoughts started to become jumbled from the pleasure.

Cullen’s eyes met hers and he never broke eye contact as he leaned down and replaced one of his hands with his mouth.

Tessa sighed and arched her spine, not knowing how to describe the throbbing ache the action caused. Maker, his mouth was so warm and wet and the rough texture of his palm and fingers on her other breast…

She couldn’t hold back those embarrassing sounds even if she tried.

Cullen moved his mouth to her other breast and provided the same treatment and Tessa dug her fingers into the sheets above her.

She felt like she was floating when he moved up to kiss her again. She buried her fingers into his hair and she kissed him back with everything she had. His lips moved down to the junction where her neck met her shoulder and he sucked lightly at the spot.

“Tess?”

“Hm?” Did he really expect her to form coherent sentences right now? She pressed a few kisses down the strong column of his throat.

He sat up and looked down at her pants and back at her, asking the same silent question as before. His eyes looked like molten amber, showing her a level of desire she had once thought she would never see. Tessa could only nod when words escaped her. She kicked off her boots and lifted her hips to make it easier for him to pull the leggings off.

Her insecurities bubbled up again when she thought about how he could probably see the stretch marks around her hips and thighs and she didn’t think to wear her pretty smallclothes today, but they instantly went away when she saw the expression on his face.

Arousal started to beat through her blood and she wanted him to hurry up and finally take her, but he took his time. He settled his weight on top of her again and Tessa opened her legs so he could comfortably lie on her. Her heart hammered even harder when she could feel his arousal through his pants as he kissed her. 

She wondered if she should try pleasuring him somehow. She wasn’t completely ignorant about this topic. She knew things couples could do in bed; Cassandra had let her borrow her smutty books before so she even knew the gritty details.

Tessa had one problem though, she had never done anything of that sort before and she had no idea how to bring that up to Cullen.

“Tess, is this okay?” he asked as his fingers trailed across the top of her smallclothes.

Tessa stiffened for a moment and forced herself not to remember the last time a man saw her like this. What she said earlier was true. This was different because this was _Cullen_ and she knew she wanted this more than anything. She nodded and Cullen kissed her again before he sat up and started to trail the small piece of fabric down her legs.

Tessa was relieved when she didn’t feel vulnerable in the least. Her heart was racing from excitement, not fear. She knew she could finally focus on the good things about sex rather than the bad she had experienced. All of her insecurities and fears were swept away when Cullen’s touch was verging on reverence and fire started to flare in her veins as he trailed his kisses down the skin of her stomach.

Before he could continue, Tessa reached down and gently tugged on his hair, forcing him to look up at her. “I want to see you” she whispered, biting her lip. 

Cullen pressed another kiss to her stomach before sitting up and getting off the bed. Tessa sat up and watched hungrily as he kicked off his boots and started to untie his trousers. It felt as if the breath was knocked from her lungs when she finally saw him. He truly was perfect. She saw a mole on his hip and she instantly felt better about her own. Her eyes trailed over the strong line of his legs before they finally settled on his groin.

To be honest, she was more curious instead of feeling nervous like she was told she would feel. Cullen was slightly longer than she knew was average and Tessa’s fingers twitched when she wondered what he would feel like.

She finally forced her eyes away and looked up at his face again. A flush was forming on his upper torso and his cheeks were adorably pink. Tentatively reaching forward, she looked up at him questioningly before gently running her fingertips down his length. A small hiss escaped his teeth and he gently grabbed her wrist before she could continue. 

“Sorry,” he looked away, gulping heavily, “I’m just too close.”

“But what about you?”

Cullen shook his head with a soft look, bringing her hand to his lips. “This is about you, not me.”

“But—“

“Please, Tess.”

Tessa’s eyes widened and she stared down at him again. She still couldn’t believe that she was making him react this way. She pulled her hand away, deciding that she would have plenty of time to explore later. It wouldn’t be just about her every time, she would make sure of that.

She crooked a finger at him and he stepped closer to the bed. She pulled him down to her, moaning into his mouth when they were finally skin on skin. She couldn’t describe the overwhelming feeling that was coursing through her as Cullen’s hands trailed all over her skin and he dipped his mouth down to her breasts again.

He brushed his fingers against the dip in her waist that made her ticklish and she squirmed, trying to stop the laughter from bubbling past her lips. No, she could _not_ be ticklish right now.

Cullen, unfortunately, picked up on that and he smirked at her before wiggling his fingers over her sides.

“Cullen! Ah! No!” Tessa squealed in laughter, trying to wiggle away from him.

She was doomed, since he was resting most of his weight on her.

So, she did the next thing she could do. Tessa had found his ticklish spot many weeks ago. She reached up and started to try to tickle near his armpit and he let out a string of laughter before capturing her wrists in his hands and pinning them above her head.

Tessa couldn’t help but giggle at the situation. “Look at us, both naked in bed and we tickle each other instead of—“

“So?” Cullen chuckled, looking down at her with a soft grin.

Tessa stuck out her tongue at him playfully and he surprised her by leaning down and catching it between his lips, turning that into another passionate kiss.

His hands slowly left her wrists and trailed down to rest on her hips and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, holding him close when his fingers kept moving.

His fingers slowly started to move toward the curls of her sex and Tessa squirmed a little when they reached it. She waited for him to continue moving, but he took her movements the wrong way. “Tess—“

“If you stop I won’t forgive you,” she managed to say, rolling her hips.

He laughed through his nose and started to gently run his fingers over her sex, parting the outer lips.

Tessa could only close her eyes and throw her head back. She had touched herself before, but that was nothing compared to how his large, calloused fingers made her feel. He kissed her neck and collarbones as his fingers gently rubbed circles around her clit. Tessa let out a long moan and lifted her hips to meet his hand. 

“Cullen,” she whispered fervently, lightly digging her nails into his back.

She felt his hot breath fan out across her neck as he slowly pressed against her entrance with a finger. Tessa opened her legs wider and she winced slightly at the feeling, trying to focus on how good his thumb against that little bud was making her feel.

He slowly slid his finger in and out, still pressing kisses anywhere and everywhere until she was gasping for more. Tessa clung to his shoulders and buried her face into his neck when he slowly added another finger. The feeling was sharp and new, but Tessa felt as if she was climbing toward something and she had to reach it as she rocked her hips.

He finally added another finger and started to curl them inside of her, pressing against a spot that made Tessa cry out. Her back arched from the feeling, causing Cullen’s mouth on her breast to press harder against her.

“Cullen, I’m-“ 

Her body locked up and Tessa let out a loud moan as her orgasm swept through her. Maker’s breath, she never felt like that when she was alone. She let out a soft laugh as she arched against him. She tugged on his hair and he moved up to kiss her. Tessa had never seen him look so smug, but he earned it.

Cullen pulled his fingers away and he started to kiss down her body.

Tessa barely managed to lift herself to her elbows so she could get a better look at him.

“Is this alright?” he asked, moving until he was settled between her legs and pressing light kisses to her hips.

Oh Maker, he wanted to do that? She knew it happened in Cassandra’s books, but she heard it was almost a myth outside of them.

Without thinking, she nodded and she almost screamed when his mouth connected to her clit. She couldn’t think, all she could do was react. She reached down and dug her fingers into his hair as he gently moved her legs over his shoulders and continued moving his mouth and tongue over her. She was quickly climbing back to where she was before on that peak and she forced herself to grip at the sheets again so she wouldn’t hurt him. He was moaning along with her and the sounds that came from where they were joined were almost overwhelming.

Her breath started to stutter and she didn’t think she could take anymore before his mouth latched onto her clit again as he inserted his fingers, curling them toward her belly. Tessa’s hips started to rock in time with his fingers and she managed to choke out his name before everything exploded.

For a few moments, Tessa felt as if she was floating and the only thing she could feel was the euphoric feeling pulsing through her veins as every muscle in her body locked up. She focused on catching her breath again as she slowly regained her senses and she looked down at the man who was now looking at her in awe from between her legs.

“That was beautiful,” he breathed out, moving up her body again.

Instead of replying, Tessa pulled him up and kissed him. She moaned when she could taste herself on his mouth. She hooked her legs around his waist and pulled him closer to her. “Please,” she whispered against his mouth.

A deep ache had settled deep in her stomach and she felt the only thing that could alleviate it was him.

Cullen’s lips latched onto her neck as he positioned himself. “You tell me if you need me to stop,” he whispered, brushing her hair away from her face as he lifted his head again. Tessa nodded and reached up to brush his own hair away. It was curling over his forehead and she found herself loving the tousled look.

They both gasped when he slowly started to press into her. Tessa threw her head back and tried to bite back a whimper of pain when she felt a slight twinge when he pressed deeper inside her, despite how much he stretched her before. He stopped and pressed kisses wherever he could reach. His lips got to her shoulder. “Tell me when it’s alright again.”

They waited for a few moments and when the pain passed Tessa dug her fingernails into his biceps. “I’m okay,” she managed to squeak.

He started to press forward again and didn’t stop until their hips were flush against each other.

Tessa didn’t know how to describe the feeling. It started out as a dull ache but slowly turned into a fullness that she couldn’t explain when he started to barely move his hips. She could feel herself moving around him and she shuddered as he panted into her ear.

He grasped the bed sheets near her head and started to move faster and Tessa gasped and clutched at his shoulders. More, she needed more. She didn’t have the ability to speak coherently, so she did the only thing she could do. She scraped her nails across his back and clenched her inner muscles around him while panting his name. 

The fullness from before turned into sweet pleasure as he rolled his hips just the right way before he moved faster. He pushed himself up onto his forearms and buried his fingers in her hair, tipping her head back enough so he could press more kisses to her neck.

Cullen whispered her name over and over again as he picked up the pace and Tessa wrapped her legs high around his waist and tried to meet his thrusts. She dug her heels into the small of his back as every muscle in her body started to tremble. Tessa was quickly approaching that peak again and she tried to stay away from the edge for as long as she could.

Cullen’s hand snuck between them and Tessa let out a choked cry when his fingers reached her clit. She fell over the edge hard and fast and her fingers gripped his back, scratching him again as her body shook and arched so much she was surprised her back didn't pop. The euphoric feeling from before returned and Tessa could feel every pulse in her veins.

Cullen’s movements started to become erratic and then she felt him stiffen beneath her fingers and he cried out right as she was coming down from her high. She gasped and shuddered when she could feel his warmth inside her and she could feel him trembling beneath her fingers.

He rested his forehead on her shoulder, barely stopping himself from collapsing on top of her.

Tessa stared up at the ceiling as she gulped in air and she couldn’t stop the wide grin from coming to her lips.

Yes, she could definitely see why people made such a big deal about this now.

Cullen started to nuzzle his face into her neck and she giggled when his stubble tickled her skin. He slowly rolled them over and they both sighed when he slipped out of her. Now, she was lying on top of him and he started to run his fingers through her hair.

Tessa rested her hands on his chest and propped her chin on them, meeting his gaze. They both smiled at each other. “I am a lucky woman,” she finally said, tracing patterns on his skin with her index finger.

“Oh really?” he asked smugly.

Tessa smacked his arm playfully, causing him to chuckle. She rolled to her side and snuggled against him, nuzzling her face against his chest as he wrapped his arm around her. She started to trail her fingertips up the strong lines of his abdomen and chest, biting her lip. “Why did we wait so long to do this?”

Cullen shook his head. “Because I’m an idiot.”

Tessa looked up at him with an arched brow. “How so?”

Cullen’s fingers started to trail up and down her back and Tessa was surprised when she felt the thrum of desire grow again at the touch.

“Here I was; thinking that you probably wanted to wait as long as possible to do anything like this because…” he trailed off and shook his head, “I should have just asked you instead of assuming, but I didn’t want to upset you.”

Tessa shook her head with an amused smile. “Cullen, I would have understood. Don't blame yourself. I was thinking the same thing because of what happened to you,” she replied, pushing his now disheveled hair back from his forehead. Maker, it was curlier than she expected and she loved this new development.

He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close again and kissed her tenderly.

The moment was interrupted by a loud thump and a high pitched bark. Cullen’s eyes widened. “Pepper!” he exclaimed, leaping out of bed.

Tessa couldn’t stop laughing as he quickly pulled on his pants and slid down the ladder. She fell back onto the bed and covered her face with her arm as laughter kept escaping from her lips. Cullen climbed back up the ladder, holding a wriggling mabari under his arm.

“What is so funny, my lady?” Cullen sarcastically asked, setting Pepper down. The puppy huffed and trotted over to the pile of cushions that made up her bed.

“Nothing,” Tessa managed to say between laughs, admiring the sight before her. Cullen stood next to the bed with his hands on his hips. His hair was beyond hope and most of it was curling adorably now. The way his pants fell didn’t hide the strong ‘v’ of his hips and Tessa smirked as her eyes trailed up his torso.

It was Cullen’s turn to smirk as he slowly pulled his pants down. “Keep looking at me like that, Lady Trevelyan, and I’m going to have to act on it.”

“What if I want you to?”

That only caused his smirk to grow as he climbed back into bed.

Well, she got what she wanted.


	49. You know that, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, kind of triggering stuff ahead? Maybe? It's about Cullen's torture at Kinloch

Cullen screamed and closed his eyes, trying to cover his ears when he heard Ser David shrieking in pain from the Harrowing Chamber. He then heard a deep, ghastly roar from what he assumed was a demon and then a sickening crunch caused everything to fall silent.

The Templar fervently whispered a prayer as he clutched at his head. He wished they would have just killed him. But no, the blood mages wanted to toy with him and left him as a sacrifice for the desire demon. He opened his eyes again and let out the breath he was holding. The demon was gone…for now. The magic cage kept pulsing with energy and Cullen wondered if he should try breaking it again. His breath started to come in panicked gasps as he looked around him. What was the point? His friends were dead or enslaved and he couldn’t do anything about it.

“Cullen.”

Cullen yelped and scrambled back as far as he could in the opposite direction of the woman that spoke.

The demon was still impersonating Solona. She tilted her head with a pained expression, causing the long, silky blonde hair he used to admire sway. “Why are you running from me? I thought you wanted me.”

Panic gripped every one of Cullen’s limbs and he felt ashamed as his hands started to shake. “No! Leave me.”

The demon easily walked into the cage and Cullen couldn’t move. His muscles were locked and he started to shake as she walked closer to him. The demon straddled his lap rocking against him as she stared at him hungrily. “I can give you want you want. All you have to do is ask.”

No, this wasn’t her. Solona’s eyes were a dark green that were always kind and laughing. This version had yellow-green eyes that were cruel.

Using every ounce of his willpower, he shoved the demon away and crawled away as quickly as he could.

He picked up a piece of rubble near him and threw it, closing his eyes as it flew. “Leave me!”

A gentle touch to his shoulder forced him to open his eyes and he stared in confusion. Wait, this wasn’t Kinloch. Was this another illusion? What was happening? Why was there a hole in the roof? Where was he?

“Bad dream?” a soft voice asked.

Cullen finally realized where he was. Tessa’s voice brought him back to the present and he fell back onto his pillow with a heavy sigh. Rubbing at his eyes with the heels of his palms, he tried to even out his breathing again. Why couldn’t he just forget? Why did these memories haunt him?

Tessa’s hand squeezing his shoulder helped him calm down a little more and he finally forced himself to look at her. How could he have a nightmare after what they shared? He tried to not look too ashamed when he finally met her eyes. “They always are. Without lyrium, they’re worse.”

She nodded and Cullen couldn’t believe that the sight before him was real. Tessa had pulled on one of his shirts at some point and her curly hair fell in a tangled mess toward the middle of her back. He felt a little surge of satisfaction when he saw small bruises littering her neck and collarbones and she was looking down at him with a look so tender that he had to make sure she was real.

He reached up and cupped her cheek, running his thumb along her cheekbone. Maker’s breath, she was real. “I didn’t mean to worry you,” he said quietly.

Tessa smiled and reached forward to touch his own cheek. “You can let me worry a little,” she said lightheartedly, turning her face so she could kiss his palm.

Cullen gently pulled her closer and she leaned down and pressed her forehead to his. “You are…” Cullen breathed out, wondering what to say as they nuzzled against each other. “I have never felt anything like this.”

And he hadn’t. The feelings he held for Solona many years ago wasn’t even close to what he felt for Tessa. He was infatuated then, letting Solona’s cheeky, bright attitude ensnare him like it did everyone else. And the relationship he had with Mary, the kitchen girl in Kirkwall, was one based on pure need and Mary had admitted that she felt the same toward him when he decided to end it when he became Knight-Captain.

But Tessa, she was something else entirely. She was a bright beacon and a rock in the hurricane his life had become and she was the calm, soothing touch when his pain flared brightest. She was the quiet sound of book pages turning in the corner of his office. She was the soft laugh that she only seemed to have when she was around him. She was the steadfast control he needed when he felt he didn’t have any. She was everything good in his world wrapped into one person and Cullen desperately wanted to tell her that. Would she run? Would she hate him if he said it?

His fears were silly, as he discovered seconds later.

“I love you. You know that right?” Tessa whispered, bringing her hand up to his jaw, running her thumb over his scar.

Cullen stared at her, dumbfounded. She loved him? She actually loved him? She started to look worried and Cullen realized that he was unintentionally being an arse. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her down to the bed, pinning her underneath him as he kissed her. Maker, he never felt anything as right as having her there in his arms. He pulled away and rested his forehead against hers causing their breath to mingle with each other’s.

“I love you too.”

And he would say it over and over if he got to see her smile at him like that again.


	50. Bruises and Bitemarks

Dorian was the first to point something out to Tessa that day.

“You look radiant, Inquisitor.”

Tessa, who was helping Dorian shelve the new books that _weren’t_ about the Chantry, stiffened and looked over at him. “And how does my radiance today match any other day you tell me?” she teased.

She took a step to pick up another book and she had to hold back a wince. She was sore, but she couldn’t complain because she enjoyed what made her so sore. It was more of a pinching feeling and Tessa knew she could easily heal it, but she couldn’t find the gumption to.

“Hm…I don’t know, did something happen between you and your dashing Templar?”

“I’ll tell you if you tell me where those bruises came from,” Tessa retorted, pointing to the said love bites on Dorian’s neck.

The Tevinter quickly slapped his hand over them. “What—“

“I’ve known about you and Bull for a while. You don’t exactly hide it well.”

Dorian cursed in Tevene. “Well, now I know you didn’t just become Inquisitor for that mark on your hand, your inquisitorialness,” he scoffed, with a small, flamboyant bow.

“I think you two are cute,” Tessa replied as she shelved a book she ordered from Tevinter.

“Oh, it’s what I always wanted; to look cute with someone. You have strange taste if you think Iron Bull is cute in any way.”

The Inquisitor rolled her eyes. “And why do you think my Templar has anything to do with my radiance?”

“Well, I just assumed he was the one who put that bruise on your neck…and I’m sure there’s more from the way you were walking.”

Tessa dropped the book she was holding and it fell to the floor with a thud. A loud, annoyed cough from Solas’ area suddenly made her self-conscious and she quickly picked it up, blinking stupidly at Dorian. “I…walked funny?”

“Tessa, I have lived that life. How was he?”

The poor mage was still trying to gather her wits. “I—I—He—well—oh blast it.” Tessa promptly dropped herself into the plushy chair Dorian kept in his corner. She set the book on top of the pile next to it

Dorian, sensing something juicy, knelt down beside her, resting his elbows on the armrest. “Oh, do tell.”

Tessa covered her face with her hands, letting out silly giggles. She didn’t expect that she would be having this sort of talk with Dorian first…with Cassandra or Josephine, yes. Dorian, maybe. “It was good,” she squeaked.

“I didn’t expect less from our Commander but I want the details.”

“Details?! Like what?”

“I heard a servant talk about how his office was a mess.”

Oh no. Oh no, oh no.

Doom.

“It…might have been.”

“What did you do?” Dorian asked, leaning closer.

Tessa peeked out at him from between her fingers. “We might have…started on the desk.”

Dorian’s eyebrows shot to his hairline and Tessa swore she saw his mustache twitch a little. “The Desk?! The center of the Commander’s universe?!”

Tessa lowered her hands, biting her lip. “Yes.”

“Tessa Trevelyan, I’m so proud of you.”

With an eye roll, the Inquisitor stood up again. “Well, I would ask about you and Bull…”

“It’s rough. And I like it. Now, let’s shelve the rest of these before your Revered Mother sees them. She’ll definitely think I’m influencing you with these titles.”

Tessa shook her head, causing her hair to swing back and forth. It was the first time she really wore it down for a full day. She usually only took it out of her braid or ponytail when she was around Cullen, since he told her he liked it that way one day, or when she had to dress up to meet nobles. Tessa grinned when she remembered how he spluttered out that he liked it no matter what shortly after telling her that little fact.

She actually kept it down to hide the darn bruises Dorian pointed out.

“Something else happened, or else it really was mindblowing,” Dorian said as he shelved a book on Tevinter Family trees.

Tessa arched a brow at him with a pout. “What do you mean?”

“You have this stupid look on your face. Was he that good?”

The pout turned into a grin and she finished shelving a book on Tevinter politics. “Yes."

“Yes, something happened? Or yes, he was that good?”

“That’s for you to decide, Dorian.”

“Kaffas.”


	51. Better

Meanwhile, Cullen was undergoing the same scrutiny.

“You’re feeling better?”

Cullen glanced over at the Seeker, letting one of his lieutenants take over the drill so he could focus on Cassandra.

Pepper scratched at her collar, causing the studs on it to jingle as she did. The puppy had grown considerably in the three weeks he’s had her and her head now reached a little above his knee when it could barely reach the middle of his shin before. She had also started to follow Cullen like a second shadow and she was beginning to calm down, barely.

She had become something that helped Cullen get his mind off of the withdrawals too. Pepper seemed to always know when his hands were beginning to shake because she would prod at his thigh or stick her head underneath his hands whenever he was having an episode.

He had heard of the intelligence a mabari was claimed to have, and he didn’t doubt it in the least now.

He scratched at Pepper’s ears. “I am.”

Cassandra arched a brow. “I am glad. Did the Inquisitor find a treatment?”

Cullen stared at Cassandra in shock as he tried to splutter out an answer. Was she saying what he thought she was saying? If so, Maker help him.

“She and the Tevinter mage have been studying about lyrium for weeks. She told me she was close to something the last time we spoke. It had something to do with what we saw in Emprise du Lion.”

Oh, Maker.

That…made more sense.

But Cassandra’s comment got his full attention. “What did she find?” he asked.

“She hasn’t told you? I saw her go up to your office last night after dinner.” The Seeker was smirking now.

Escape. Cullen needed to find an escape. “She didn’t mention it. I’m going to go and—help them out.” He started to walk toward the other side of the camp toward another group of soldiers doing a drill the Orlesian chevaliers were able to show Cullen.

Cassandra’s chuckle followed him. “I’m glad you’re happy, Commander.”

Cullen whipped around and stared at her as she walked away. Do women have a sixth sense for that subject? Josephine and Leliana had given him knowing looks too.

“Oi! Cullen Wullen!”

Cullen didn’t know why Sera had taken to calling him that. He almost preferred Commander Fancyhair.

“What?” he asked in exasperation, looking up toward the window of the tavern.

“I think Quizzy is trying to get your attention,” Sera giggled, pointing up toward the keep.

Frowning, Cullen looked toward the bridge that led to the battlements and he couldn’t hold back a smile. Tessa didn’t seem to be trying to get his attention, but she was out there and she seemed to be just watching. Her figure looked tiny from his point of view, but he was able to see her wave and he waved back.

Maker, even thinking about her put a smile on his face. Maybe that was how everyone knew when to tease him.

Just knowing that she loved him and that he was finally able to tell her the same made going through everything he went through worthwhile.

Cullen knew that in some way, he had to have gone through the pain of Kinloch and Kirkwall to be able get to where he was now in the Inquisition. He was just shocked at how one person could change his perspective on everything after he arrived.

Even before their relationship started, Tessa had shown Cullen a type of strength and determination that he had only seen in two other women. The three women in question were nowhere near alike in personality in any way. The Hero of Ferelden was blunt and assertive. The Champion of Kirkwall was witty and diplomatic. The Inquisitor, on the other hand, was kind yet steadfast.

Tessa did her duties with the serenity a mage of the Circle was expected to have according to what he saw and from what he got from the reports. She was also firm in her beliefs and what she believed she could do and didn’t let anyone push her around while doing so.

She also proved that it was possible to be human and do the impossible. Seeing how she did her duties gave Cullen the courage to test the chains his addiction had. It also made it a little easier to reach out to her and tell her his troubles.

She was human in every sense, and she never denied being any more or less than that. That was probably why everyone reached out to her with their troubles. He knew how she helped Josephine help get her family’s fortune back and help Iron Bull save his men. Tessa also helped sort out the conflict Dorian had with his family. She helped Sera get out of a Red Jenny scuffle and she went out of her way to help one of Solas’ spirits. He knew she planned to leave with Vivienne in a week to help her solve a problem and he also knew she was planning on helping look for the Seekers and accompany Leliana to a chantry after that. She was continuing to do more and more for her friends and she never let any of them down.

And he wasn’t an exception. Tessa helped him believe that he could overcome this obstacle because he knew she had overcome so many of her own.

That, he believes, was when he started to love her.

He had almost let everything he had worked for go that day when the withdrawal seemed too much.

She didn’t let him. She stood there and was what he needed without him telling her what he needed her to be.

And the way she stayed with him after she saw him at his worst and went out of her way to get him to do something as simple as sleeping was when it hit him.

The way she looked at him when she said she would help him every night if she had to was when she stole his heart. She didn’t really need to steal it. He would have handed it to her if she had asked.

The fact that she loved him; a lyrium addict who had known nothing but misery and failure most of his life, astounded him. But he wasn’t going to look the gift horse in the mouth. Just being around her has made him decide to try to be an even better man. The Inquisition started him on that path, but she was the one who was making walking that path more possible.

Cullen was going to be better. For her. For the Inquisition. For them.

And he knew he was getting there when he saw a mage that was practicing combat with a Templar nearby struggling. He found himself stepping in and telling the girl where to aim her spells for more effect, surprising everyone involved.

Yes, he was getting there.


	52. Making Up

“The group of mages and Templars your brother contacted have been staying in a nearby village, your Worship. They are requesting another meeting with you and the Commander,” Josephine explained, handing the letter to Tessa.

The War Room was more tense than usual…probably because Morrigan was there. The apostate was to be their arcane advisor now, thanks to Empress Celene.

Tessa honestly didn’t know what to make of the woman.

She knew she couldn’t trust her, but at the same time she knew she should take her words into consideration.

The woman in question looked bored at the moment.

The Inquisitor couldn’t help but notice how Cullen shot the mage a hard glance every now and then. What was his problem? She knew he didn’t treat mages with the distrust he claimed to have in the past, but this was ridiculous.

Leliana kept giving the woman cold, hard stares, and that was never a good sign from the Spymaster. Tessa really wasn’t in the mood to play peacekeeper at the moment and she hoped she wouldn’t have to with Josephine there.

Focusing again on the situation at hand, Tessa looked down at the letter. “And why do they want another meeting? We have already met with their leaders in Ferelden.”

“I believe they want to know if your intentions with them are the same. And, since they know that you used to be in a Circle and that the Commander was a Templar, they believe you two are the only one’s capable of making negotiations with them.”

“Do we have names?”

“No, they haven’t sent a list yet,” Josephine sighed, jotting something down on her clipboard.

Tessa sighed. Maker, this group was paranoid beyond belief. Gavin could have at least warned them about that. “Tell them that I am willing to meet with them again, along with the Commander if he so wishes.”

“I do wish to. Their help will be invaluable. They also might be the last group that is left over from the war.”

Tessa gave him a little grin that he returned. “Tell them we will arrive tomorrow morning for further negotiations.”

“Yes, your Worship.”

The meeting finally ended with Morrigan telling them that she was having an ancient Elven artifact being brought to Skyhold from Orlais and what she believes Corypheus plans to do with another like it. Tessa’s stomach churned at the news. Corypheus had to be stopped, but the Inquisitor knew what dabbling with Elven artifacts usually did to people. It was never pleasant.

That caused a deep scowl to form on Cullen’s face.

Again, Tessa didn’t know what his problem was and she was determined to get to the bottom of it.

“A word, Commander?” she said before he could walk out the door. He stayed and held the door open for the other women before shutting it behind them.

“Yes?” he asked, walking back toward the table to her side.

“May I ask why a scowl was on your face for half the meeting?”

Cullen blinked with a blank stare before setting the papers he was holding on the war table. “I don’t trust her.”

“That was obvious.”

The Commander pinched at the bridge of his nose. “I don’t like the idea of an apostate of her nature coming in and telling us what to do. She’s dangerous.”

An apostate of her nature? She remembered Leliana warning her of Morrigan at the Winter Palace and Tessa never forgot the Spymaster’s words. But what would Cullen know? 

“Your Templar is showing,” she said before she could think. Her heart clenched when he flinched a little, but she held her ground. Morrigan was being more than helpful by showing them the artifact in the first place. Without her, the Inquisition would have no idea what Corypheus was planning to do next.

“You know very well that’s not what I meant. Besides, you don’t understand,” he snapped, stepping closer to her. “I remember her from the Blight. She didn’t seem to care about anyone or anything other than herself whenever she came to the Circle with the Hero of Ferelden. Why would she care now?”

Oh, that’s how he knew her. “Maybe because Corypheus threatens her too?!”

Cullen breathed out angrily through his nose. “She’s bringing in a dangerous artifact we know nothing about. From what I recall from my time at the Circles, whenever something Elven was found, it was dangerous. You can’t seriously be thinking—“

“If Corypheus wants an artifact like this we need to know it. We can’t just sit back and let him dabble with dangerous magic,” Tessa snapped.

“And you’re going to just dabble with the same magic with a woman you barely know and possibly put yourself in danger? I don’t like it,” he snapped back, crossing his arms.

Tessa crossed her own arms. Did he truly not think she could take care of herself? After all she had survived she could probably handle anything that Corypheus threw her way. “I’m a big girl. I have studied magic for many years, in case you’ve forgotten.”

Cullen started to pace. “You very well know I think you can do anything,” he argued.

“Then what—“

“I don’t want to lose you, Tess!” he exclaimed.

Tessa stiffened. They weren’t the Inquisitor and the Commander in this discussion and she failed to notice this fact. They were Tessa and Cullen and he was admitting that he was scared for her and she just brushed it off like it was nothing. They both had everything to lose now when it came to them.

And she hit a nerve with the Templar comment.

Dammit, and they say women were good at picking up feelings and emotions. Tessa must have been the exception. “Cullen, I—“

“Don’t.” He picked up his papers and strode from the room, slamming the door shut behind him.

Tessa sighed and rested her hands on the table, letting her head hang.

Maker, how was she going to fix this?

* * *

Tessa didn’t see the Commander for the rest of the day, making it even harder for her to apologize.

He also didn’t show up to dinner and Tessa stood from the table she was at and piled food onto a plate for her and Cullen, if he would even want to eat with her, that is. She carried the plate up to his tower and knocked on the door. She heard Pepper give off a happy bark, but the door didn’t open. “Cullen, please,” she said softly, hating how pathetic she sounded. She didn’t know what else to do.

The door opened and Cullen stared down at the plate she held in her hands. Before she could say anything, he took it from her and set it on a barrel sitting nearby.

“Cullen, I—“

His lips cut her words off. The kiss was over as soon as it began, to her disappointment.

She was gently tugged in and the door shut behind her. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly, looking down at her hand in his own.

Tessa huffed. “You’re not the one who should be apologizing.”

“I—“

“No, I was inconsiderate this morning and—“

“And we both have our duties. I let my emotions get in the way. You’re the Inquisitor.”

Tessa stared at his face for a moment before reaching up with her free hand and holding his jaw. Her thumb ran over his scar—an action that was quickly becoming one of her favorite things to do—and she shook her head. “That doesn’t excuse my blatant disregard of them. Last I checked, when you love someone, you take that into consideration.”

Cullen sighed and rested his hands on her upper arms. “I also overreacted.”

“No you didn’t.”

“Yes, I did.”

“Are we going to argue about this now? I’m very willing to be stubborn about it. I'm in the wrong here,” Tessa huffed, giving him an angry pout. “And I made an unfair comment about your judgement on Morrigan. I know you aren’t doing it out of spite and I accused you of doing so. I am sorry."

Cullen stared at her for many moments before sighing. “We’re fools.”

“That’s not new information,” Tessa agreed, “Now, I know you haven’t eaten.” She tilted her head toward the platter nearby.

“How inquisitorial of you,” he said with a sarcastic grin.

Tessa rolled her eyes. “Did Dorian tell you that one? He started that last week.”

Cullen arched a brow as she pulled away and picked up the plate, carrying it over to his desk. “What?”

Tessa shrugged. “Well, he called me ‘your inquisitorialness’ when I told him I thought he and Bull were cute.”

“You have a strange definition of cute.”

“That’s what he said,” Tessa admitted, setting the two plates out.

“Why were his and Bull’s relationship the topic of conversation anyway?” Cullen asked, sitting across from her at his desk. The tension in the room was slowly dissipating and Tessa was glad for the change.

Tessa felt her cheeks start to heat up. “Well…I may have been a little off.”

Cullen, of course, noticed the blush. “Off?”

“It was the morning after…well.”

It was funny, she had either spent every night in his room or he was in hers and they had made love almost every night they did and Tessa was still embarrassed to say it out loud. 

Cullen, thankfully, just smirked and dropped it. Now that making love was on her mind, Tessa couldn’t stop looking at the Commander’s mouth. That mouth could do wonderful things and Tessa was recalling what it could do as she watched him eat.

Oh Andraste, help her. 

Then she remembered the hurtful thing she said. He had been trying so hard to cut his connections with the Templars and she knew it was uncalled for. Her heart sunk and the horrible feeling from earlier returned. She had to address it.

"I really am sorry about earlier, Cullen. I wasn't thinking when I said what I did."

He stopped eating and just looked at her and Tessa started to pick at her plate to avoid his intense stare. "Tess, look at me." 

She finally did and Cullen reached across the table to tuck a stray lock of hair behind her ear. "I know you didn't say it out of spite. Everyone says foolish things when they're angry. Besides, if you truly meant it, I probably would have had a fireball thrown at me, yes?"

Tessa stared at him for a moment before sighing. "That doesn't excuse what I said earlier. You've been trying so hard to-"

"And you have been my greatest help with that. Which is why I'm not angry."

They both began to eat again and Tessa let out a sigh of relief. She and Cullen argued from time to time, like any couple, this one wasn't even the worst they ever had. She believed this one felt worse because of what she said to him. 

The Inquisitor found herself studying his mouth again during the meal. Oh Maker...

She barely managed to get through her plate. But then the doubt started to kick in again. Was their argument truly settled? Was it alright if she tried to instigate anything? Maker, her inexperience never shown more than it did now.

Cullen was now putting the plates back on the platter and giving the scraps to Pepper. He had taken off his armor and she could see the way the muscles of his back moved beneath his shirt as he leaned down to give Pepper her treats before letting her outside. Maker, her mouth was starting to go dry. 

Maybe she could make it up to him somehow…

Cullen never truly let her touch him when they made love. Maybe she could change that tonight. She sat on his desk and crossed her legs, leaning back on one hand. His eyes widened when he turned back around and saw her.

She beckoned to him with a finger and she was shocked when he crossed the room in almost no time at all.

Before she knew it, she had her fingers buried in his hair and his lips were claiming hers and she sighed when she felt his tongue come into play. Sweet Andraste, he was such a good kisser. His hands started to roam down her sides and they clutched at her hips, forcing her to uncross her legs and let him step in between them to get closer.

Cullen’s mouth started to move to her neck and Tessa managed to regain control over herself and gently push him back far enough for her to slip off the desk. His eyebrows pinched in confusion and then instantly shot to his hairline when she got down on her knees.

“Tess, what are you doing?“

“I think it's obvious,” Tessa barely managed to squeak. Nervousness started to make her fingers tremble as she reached for the ties to his pants. What if she wasn't good at it?

His hands around her wrists forced her to look up at him. He slowly lifted her to her feet and pressed kisses to the backs of her knuckles. “You don’t have to—“

“I want to!” Tessa argued, pulling her hands from his and holding his face so she could press a hard kiss to his lips.

They separated, gulping in air. Cullen’s hands had settled on her hips again and Tessa could see how indecisive he was. “One condition,” he finally rasped out, tightening his hold on her hips.

“What is it?”

She saw his throat bob as he gulped heavily. “You tell me if you want to stop or don’t want to do something anymore. I won’t get upset.”

After their argument earlier, Tessa was now very unsure about wanting to do this. What if she was completely ignoring how he felt again? Maybe this reminded him of how he was tortured at Kinloch. "Cullen, if you don’t like those things, I understand.”

“It’s not that,” he breathed out, pressing kisses all over her face.

“Then what—“

“I don’t want you to feel like you are forced to do anything, especially in this situation.”

Oh Maker, he was being his usual White Knight self. Tessa bit her lip to hold back a smile and forced him to look at her. “Cullen Stanton Rutherford, why wouldn’t I want to make the man I love feel what I feel whenever he does the same for me?”

“I—“

“Now,” Tessa interrupted, going down on her knees again, “I have no idea what I’m doing, so you’re going to have to help.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

For some reason, she liked hearing that in this setting. Filing that information away for later, Tessa reached for the ties to his pants again. She pulled down both them and his small clothes when she finally got them loose.

She reached up and took his half-hardened cock in her fingers and she paid attention to how Cullen was reacting as she gently wrapped her fingers around it.

Cullen was starting to pant as she slowly started to pump her hand up and down his length. She still couldn’t get over how he felt in her hands. He was hard, but had a velvety silkiness about him that was fascinating to her. She was becoming even more aroused just hearing him react to her touch. Then, she did something she never thought she would have the courage to do.

She gave the tip a tentative lick.

Cullen’s hips bucked and he hissed through his teeth at the action. “Tess—“

“Hush, love."

Cullen started to run his fingers through her hair as she started to place kisses along his now fully erect length. She reached the tip again and she looked up at him. “Just tell me what to do,” she whispered before taking him into her mouth.

Cullen usually wasn’t loud when they made love, but this was apparently the exception. He let out a long groan as his fingers tightened in her hair. His other hand reached for her free one and he brought her fingers up to his mouth. Then, he did something that was surprisingly arousing. He took her index finger into his mouth and Tessa let out a moan of her own when she felt his tongue circle around the tip.

Oh Maker, this was how he was telling her how to do it! Getting the hint, Tessa started to mimic his actions with her own tongue. He released her hand and let out a long moan. Tessa took as much of him in as she could and wrapped her fingers around the rest of him. His fingers in her hair gently started to move her head for her.

Soon, Tessa was able to bob her head on her own and she tried to relax her throat so she could take more of him in.

Maker, this was just as arousing for her as it was for him.

Hearing the sounds coming from his mouth and the way his muscles tensed under her fingers made her start to wonder if this was how he felt when he did the same for her. She wondered what other sounds he could make.

She looked up through her eyelashes and she heard his breath hitch when their eyes met. His hips bucked suddenly and Tessa couldn’t stop her gag reflex when he touched the back of her throat. He pulled away before she could do anything else and he was kneeling beside her in seconds as she coughed. He kept repeating apologies as he brushed her hair away from her face, seeing if she was okay.

Tessa finally stopped his rambling by putting her fingertips on his lips. “I’m fine,” she laughed softly. He was just too much sometimes.

“But—“

“It just surprised me,” she managed to squeak. Oh Maker, now everything was ruined. 

Before she could touch him again, he reached forward and lifted her back up onto his desk and her heart pounded against her chest when she saw how dark his eyes were. She was breathless as he started to tear at both of their clothes. She tried to get off the desk again but Cullen kept kissing her and making her lay down again. She couldn’t complain, but she thought she was the one supposed to do the work right now.

In no time, they were both naked and Cullen’s fingers were working feverishly at her sex. “I thought this was supposed to be about you,” Tessa barely gasped out before another moan escaped.

“It is.”

“Then why—“

A loud moan replaced her words when he entered her in one swift movement.

Tessa almost couldn’t believe what changes the different angle caused. With her flat on his desk and him standing, their hips were almost at a 90 degree angle and that caused the sensation to be amplified immensely.

He started to move his hips and all she could do was clamp her fingers on the edge of the desk to stop herself from sliding across it and wrap her legs around his waist.

Someone was telling him to go faster and harder between calling out his name and it took a moment for Tessa to realize that it was her through the haze of lust. Cullen was going at an impossible pace now and Tessa started to feel the desk move a little as he thrust harder. The feeling of him pounding against her like this was verging on the edge of pain, but Tessa found herself liking it. 

She thought she was going to explode into a million pieces when Cullen reached down and started to rub his thumb along her clit.

Tessa’s scream was barely covered up by Cullen’s mouth and she felt him shudder above her as he fell into oblivion with her.

They collapsed on his desk, panting and breathless for what seemed like an eternity. He was barely propped up on his forearms above her and she still had her legs wrapped tightly around him.

His fingers started to play with her hair and he started to press kisses to her face.

“Maker,” Tessa shakily laughed, wrapping her arms around his neck. She pressed kisses to his jaw and the side of his neck. “Is this going to happen every time we argue?” she breathlessly laughed when her lips brushed against his ear.

He let out a low chuckle. “I won’t complain if it does.” He pushed himself up fully on his forearms and his expression turned solemn. “I really am sorry about earlier, Tess. I let my frustration speak for me.”

Tessa gave him an apologetic smile before pulling him down for another kiss. “I spoke out of frustration as well. I felt horrible after I said what I did.”

Cullen’s grin grew and he pressed his forehead against hers. “Let’s just forget it, yes?”

“Agreed,” Tessa paused and smirked up at him, “So, you weren’t kidding the first time we did this?”

Cullen’s expression was bewildered for a moment before his eyes widened. “You remember me saying that?”

Tessa bit her lip, tilting her head coyly. “Of course. You said that you would like to make love here. Where else have you imagined doing this?”

“Many places.”

Tessa couldn’t stop smirking even if she tried. “Commander, I’m shocked.”

Cullen leaned forward and nuzzled his nose into her neck, which he must have discovered made her giggle because of his stubble because he did it ALL the time now. “Should I tell you my other ideas then?”

Tessa reached up and tugged on his hair, forcing him to look at her again. She bit her lip and she noticed him breathe in quickly at the action. “What ideas?”

He leaned down and whispered in her ear and she felt her whole body heat up at the ideas he said. “But only if you want to,” he finished, looking nervous. 

“I don’t know if you can tell, Cullen, but I enjoy making love with you. I would be more than happy to try new things,” she teased.

The smirk she loved appeared on his lips before he leaned down and kissed her. “I love you,” he whispered against her lips, causing shivers to go down her spine.

“I love you too.”


	53. Mornings

There were many things that were being added to Cullen’s list of favorite things.

Most of the things being added to this list involved Tessa somehow. 

The newest thing added was seeing her get ready in the morning.

They were both morning people by nature and it was a joy to just watch her go through her routine. For once, they were in no hurry and Cullen was content to just sit in bed and watch her.

She was using the tiny mirror he kept for himself in the corner and she was struggling to put her hair back into its usual braid.

Cullen, meanwhile, was admiring how endearing she looked right now.

The Inquisitor was only dressed in her leggings and her breast band, leaving most of her torso and her feet bare. The muscles in her arms and upper back were well defined from her years of whirling a staff around and Cullen could watch them move all morning as she tried to tame her hair.

The pale morning light streaming through the hole in his ceiling caused her slightly tan skin to glow. The blonde streaks in her hair stood out more than usual as the sunlight made her hair shine. It reminded him of the wheat fields of Honnleath and he found himself thinking of home. 

Home…

Home wasn’t Honnleath anymore. Home was Tessa.

He had not felt this relaxed or happy in years, and it was all because of her. He knew he could never be the hopeful boy from Honnleath again, but she made him into a person that boy wanted to be, scars and all. And that made her home.

Cullen propped himself up on one elbow and he held back a chuckle when Tessa cursed her hair again and pulled it out of the braid she ruined. She started to run her fingers through it and Cullen decided to finally get out of bed. He pulled on some pants and padded over to her.

“Need help?” he asked, trying not to chuckle.

Tessa huffed and tilted her head back to pout up at him. Maker, she was adorable when she pouted. “And what do you know about hair, Commander?” she teased.

Cullen smirked. “You would be surprised,” he retorted, pulling all of her hair back over her shoulders. He was still amazed at how soft it was. It wasn’t the corkscrew curls that Cullen was used to seeing on his own head or his siblings’ heads. Tessa’s curls were smooth and loose and they easily slipped through his fingers. Cullen knew he could just play with her hair all day if he could.

“Then by all means, help away,” she said, rolling her eyes.

The little boy from Honnleath came up in Cullen’s mind again and he barely had to recall how to braid hair. He did it for his little sister all the time when Mia was helping their mother with chores. Mia’s bullying and Rosalie's large, pleading, brown eyes won him over and he learned in the end.

Rosalie's hair was far curlier than Tessa’s, so Cullen didn’t have any difficulty getting the braid started and his fingers began to move on their own. He remembered how Branson used to make fun of him for doing something girly, but Cullen’s protectiveness of his little sister won over his pride then.

He remembered the song Rosalie would hum whenever he braided her hair and the melody was slowly drifting into his mind. It was a hymn that their mother used to sing to them when they were children and Cullen found himself remembering every note. He started to hum as he worked and he found himself not wanting to pull his hands away from her hair when he was done.

He looked at their reflection in the mirror and he almost laughed aloud at Tessa’s stunned look. “Yes, Lady Trevelyan?”

“Why have I never heard you sing?”

Oh…Cullen was expecting teasing about being able to braid hair, not a question about singing.

“I don’t know,” he honestly answered. He had sung along when everyone knelt at her feet in the mountains, but he couldn’t recall a time he would have around her before or after that. That specific hymn had helped Cullen get through so much in the past and he was swept up with the emotion then.

Tessa turned and she started to trace patterns on Cullen’s chest and he loosely wrapped his arms around her waist. “We need to fix that.”

Cullen’s heart started to feel too big for his chest as she looked up at him with that pout again. He was sometimes surprised at how much he loved her, but it didn’t make him nervous like it used to. He decided to play along to her request. “And what would you like me to sing, my Lady?”

Tessa rolled her eyes as she thought of an answer. “I don’t know…your favorite Chantry hymn? I’m sure they made you sing enough of those when you were training to be a Templar.”

“They did.”

Tessa looked up at him expectantly. “Well, what is it?”

“The song you told me you detest now because of what happened in the mountains,” he answered with a smirk.

Tessa had told him that she hated that song now because it reminded her of how uncomfortable she was standing in front of a kneeling crowd.

Instead of being disappointed like he expected, her brows rose in curiosity and she tilted her head a little. “Why that one?”

Cullen leaned forward and pressed his forehead to hers. “It…helped me through many things.”

He knew he didn’t have to explain.

Her fingers started to play with his hair. “Well, I would make you sing now, but we really should be on our way.”

Cullen pressed a kiss to her nose before she moved her lips to his. “How did you know how to braid?” she suddenly giggled against his lips. She started to nuzzle her face into his neck and Cullen tightened his hold around her.

“Mia forced me to learn so I could help take care of Rosalie when we were children. That involved braiding hair.”

Tessa pulled away a little and she was beaming up at him.

Cullen had no idea why she would be so happy to hear this. “What?”

“I’m just imagining a younger you braiding hair now. I knew you could be adorable Commander but this is too much.”

A pinch to her side and him pulling away shut her up. “I’m only adorable now?” he asked with a smirk, pulling on a shirt.

“Alright, I suppose you’re handsome as well,” Tessa laughed, pulling on her tunic. Cullen had to force his eyes back to his hair as she buttoned up the shirt.

He had to stop thinking about how he could unbutton it faster.

Her words also caused a bubbly feeling to begin to form in his chest. Tessa wasn’t afraid to tell him how attractive she thought he was. It bothered him to hear that from anyone, but hearing it come from her made it less embarrassing or unbelievable.

His comb was suddenly being plucked from his hands and Tessa reached around him and picked up the tin of hair grease he kept near his mirror. “My turn,” she said, guiding him to the bed. She gently pressed on his shoulder and he sat on the bed. 

Cullen sighed as she ran her fingers and his comb through his hair. He closed his eyes and leaned against her, basking in the feeling of his heart swelling as she worked. She finally set the comb aside and she rested her hands on either side of his neck to tilt his face up toward her. 

“Thank you,” he quietly said, leaning up to peck her on the lips. 

They finally managed to make it down to his office area, where Pepper was waiting for them. The mabari was too big to carry up the ladder now and she perked up from her bed in the corner when she saw them.

Cullen smiled when he saw Pepper head toward the Inquisitor after greeting him.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you something,” Tessa said after he started sorting through all the papers on his desk.

“And that would be?” he asked, staring down his nose at another complaint about missing daggers. Again? Really?!

“I think you should move your things into my quarters.”

Cullen felt like he just got smacked over the head. “What?”

Tessa began to fidget. “Well, since we’re—you know—sleeping together now, wouldn’t that be easier? Or is this too soon?” She pulled her braid over her shoulder and started to play with the end of it.

Cullen dropped the report and stepped toward her. “Are you sure? That will get people talking…”

“I don’t care,” she laughed, “They talked enough before. Why would anything change?”

He took her hands in his and let out a long sigh. The Commander would have been lying if he said he hadn’t thought about it before. He had been thinking about it ever since they first started sharing a bed. It was also a colossal step in their relationship. Cullen wanted to take it more than anything, but he had to be sure it was what she wanted.

“Do you really want me too? I don’t want you to think that we have to—“

“Cullen, do it for Pepper’s sake,” she interrupted with a playful smile.

They both looked down at the mabari, who was now leaning against Cullen’s leg. Cullen had made the mistake of letting her sleep near him when she was smaller and the recent week had not been easy for her or her master, since she couldn’t be hauled to the top of the ladder anymore.

Cullen looked back at Tessa and he shook his head in amusement. “Your wish is my command, Lady Inquisitor.”

She sent a beaming smile his way and Cullen’s heart skipped, like it did every time she smiled at him like that. “Good. Now, I’m going to see Josie. She probably has 15 letters for me to sign already.”

She gave him a quick peck before walking out the door and Cullen stared at it after she left.

If someone had told him that he would be sharing quarters with the Inquisitor a year ago, he would have called them insane.

Then again, insane was normal here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sweet Maker, I have had this head canon about Cullen ever since I found out he had siblings. And I envy Tessa in every way.


	54. Thom Rainier

Of course it was raining.

The Inquisitor stared out at the rain from the doorway to Val Royeaux’s prison. The last week had been a mess. Many people had been contacting the Inquisition about dealing with various dragons throughout Thedas and Tessa had been scouting out the one in Crestwood when she received the message from Josephine about Blackwall going missing at Skyhold.

Tessa had read the message Blackwall had left behind and immediately headed to Val Royeaux, only taking Cassandra and Vivienne with her. Hopefully, Dorian and Varric could keep Iron Bull from going and fighting the dragon by himself until she returned.

Now, Tessa was waiting for Cullen to arrive. The Inquisitor didn’t know what else to do when the guards at Val Royeaux wouldn’t give Blackwall...or Rainier now, over into her custody. Perhaps the Commander would have a better idea of what to do and he probably would have more authority in this situation than she would.

The clicking of hooves on pavement sounded over the rain and Tessa’s shoulders sagged in relief when she saw Cullen quickly approaching on Phillip with a small squad of soldiers behind him.

The Commander dismounted and only pulled off his lion helm when he was in the safety of the prison office. The humidity and the rain had caused his normally perfectly styled hair to curl more than usual. 

“What did you find?” Tessa asked, biting her lip. Right after she talked to Blackwall--Rainier, she had to remember that he was Rainier now--about what he had done, she knew there had to be some way for him to avoid the death penalty. The Inquisitor had a gut feeling about the man, he truly was trying to do good now and the Inquisition needed men like him. 

Cullen reached into his cloak pocket and pulled out a rolled up report. “I have Leliana’s report on Thom Rainier.”

Tessa began to read and she was surprised to find that she couldn’t focus. “Give me the overview,” she ordered with more authority than she felt. Her thoughts kept swirling as if they were in the middle of the storm outside.

She also had to be this way because three Orlesian guards were standing nearby. 

“Looks like our friend was once a respected Captain in the Imperial Orlesian Army. Before the Civil War, he was turned, and was persuaded to assassinate one of Celene’s biggest supporters. He led a group of fiercely loyal men on this mission, and told them nothing of it.” 

Cullen, quite frankly, had one of the most impressive scowls Tessa had ever seen in her life. That scowl was slowly forming as he kept telling her Rainier’s crimes. 

“His men took the fall for him. A few lucky one’s, like Mornay, managed to escape.”

Tessa tilted her head as she looked down at the report again. Maker, Blackwall--no, Rainier--tricked them all. The Inquisitor was subconsciously beating herself up about it. She should have been able to see this from the start!

“Thank you...it helps make things a little more clear.”

It was amazing how Cullen could easily tell what she was thinking. He stepped closer, appearing to be having a hushed conversation with her now, but was actually reaching forward to trace the backs of his knuckles over the hand holding the report. “Don’t blame yourself. We all made this mistake,” he whispered.

He stepped away again, resuming his role of Commander while tucking his helm under his arm. “So what do we do now? Black...Rainier has accepted his fate, but you don’t have to, we have resources. If we release him, you can pass judgement yourself.”

“If it were up to you, what would happen?” she asked quietly. Cullen knew more about being in an army and leading troops more than she ever would. She needed to know how a military mind would think of this situation. Thank the Maker he came in person, she was glad she accepted Vivienne’s advice on the matter.

The Enchanter said that the Commander would have more influence and power to get Rainier into the Inquisition’s hands. 

Cullen’s famous scowl was full blown now. Eyebrows heavily drawn over flashing amber eyes, nose scrunched up and lips turned down. “What he did to the men under his command was unacceptable. He betrayed their trust, betrayed ours. I despise him for it.”

It was surprising to hear that Cullen felt so strongly about it, but she could tell that he wanted to say more, so she remained silent.

“And yet,” Cullen sighed, his scowl slowly disappearing, “he fought as a Warden. Joined the Inquisition. Gave his blood for our cause. And the moment he shakes off his past, he turns around and owns up to it. Why?”

The Commander and the Inquisitor stared out into the pouring rain for many moments. The cobblestones of the neatly manicured street had puddles forming all around and the darkened, cloudy sky took away Val Royeaux’s usual splendor. 

“He wanted to change,” Tessa finally decided, putting everything she knew about the man that fought by her side into her answer, “To prove that he finally left his past behind, he had to face up to it.”

Cullen stepped closer to her, letting out another small sigh. “Saving Mornay took courage. I’ll give him that. But,” he turned so they were facing each other once again. “I can’t tell you what to do.”

The rain pounded heavily against the ground. Thunder rumbled in the distance and lightning illuminated everything in a blinding white light for a fleeting moment as she made her decision.

“Have him released to us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You have to admit, Cullen's scowl is legendary.


	55. Hello Kiss

Cullen could tell that judging Rainier took a heavy toll on Tessa. In the end, Rainier kept his new alias and he remained a member of the Inquisition, destined to work off his crimes.

Shortly after the trial, Tessa had dragged Rainier--or Blackwall still, he supposed--out to Crestwood to finish studying the dragon there with Cassandra and Vivienne; where Varric, Dorian, and Iron Bull were waiting for them. 

The Commander honestly didn’t know how to feel about letting the woman he loved go and face a High Dragon, but who was he to stop her? People have been asking the Inquisition to help with the beasts and Tessa had told her advisers to think of it as practice for when they face Corypheus’ dragon.

Soon, they received a report from the Inquisitor saying that the dragon was successfully slain and that they would be heading back to Skyhold immediately. 

And, of course, there just had to be a celebration for that too. 

It wasn’t formal so Cullen was allowed to wear his usual clothes, but he still hated parties. 

He watched in awe with Leliana and Josephine from the entrance of Skyhold to see a large dragon head being rolled in on the back of a wagon. Many carts followed with what Cullen assumed was full of dragon meat, bones, and other materials that could be used. 

The Inquisitor was riding at the front of the caravan and she and the rest of her team were bandaged up or injured somehow. 

They all dispersed after dismounting and Tessa immediately made her way toward her advisers. Cullen narrowed his eyes, looking for any sign of injury and--

“She said she was fine in her report, Commander,” Leliana reminded, smirking at him.

Cullen frowned at her before facing forward right as Tessa made it to them. 

“I am never hunting a dragon again,” she declared, picking at a scrape on her cheek. 

“Is that so?” Leliana asked, stepping aside so Tessa could lead the way toward the keep. Tessa’s report had ordered them to find _more_ High Dragons.

“Yes, and I am also never going to Crestwood again. The mud is horrendous."

Cullen almost groaned. She didn’t have to say that twice. The past two months had been torture because she was either in the Western Approach, the Hissing Wastes, Crestwood, or Val Royeaux. And, when the Inquisitor was here, they couldn’t spend time together. Cullen really wanted to make up an excuse to not have the meeting about what the Inquisitor found so that he could steal Tessa away for himself, but there was that _damn_ celebration later.

After their meeting, Cullen immediately closed the door after the Spymaster and Ambassador left, pulling Tessa to his side to keep her from leaving herself. “Were you lying when you said you weren’t hurt?”

Tessa smiled up at him, gently grabbing at his cloak. “I’m just sore and I have this thing on my cheek. I made sure to stay as far away as possible with Dorian and Vivienne and threw lightning at it. I’m fine.”

With a sigh, he leaned down and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Believe it or not, this made me more worried than usual.”

With a smirk, Tessa pulled the collar of her tunic away and held out the small chain that he had failed to notice before. She held up the necklace and Cullen’s eyes widened when he realized what was on it. She had the coin he gave her at the lake months ago attached to a pendant. 

“You shouldn’t worry. I’m lucky now, remember?” she teased with a wink. 

Cullen couldn’t help but chuckle as he pulled her closer. Her arms wrapped around him and tucked her head beneath his chin. He couldn’t believe that she actually took it with her. “When did you do that?”

“I had Dagna put a protecting rune on the metal holding it before I left for the Plains.” The Inquisitor let out a relaxed sigh. “I missed you.”

Cullen pressed another kiss to the top of her head. “Me too.”

Tessa suddenly reached up and curled her fingers on the edge of his breastplate and pulled him closer, giving him a coy smirk. “Now, I never got my hello kiss.”

“There’s a hello kiss now?” he teased, resting his hands on her hips.

“Yes, and I am quite upset that I haven’t received mine yet.”

Cullen pressed his lips to hers, pulling her flush against him and he held back a groan when he felt her fingers clutch at his hair. 

He pulled away, barely keeping his lips from brushing hers again. His name came out as a breathy sigh and he grinned, leaning forward to kiss her eyelids, cheeks, the soft curve of her jaw, anywhere but her lips. He reached up and rested his hands on either side of her neck, tipping her head back before finally pressing his lips to hers again.

Tessa had been clumsy with kisses like this at first. The slide of tongues, lips, and teeth were awkward at the beginning of their relationship, but she proved to be a fast learner the more he kissed her like this. Tentativeness soon became bold exploration, to both of their delights. 

Deciding to tease her and leave her wanting for what he was sure to come tonight, he pulled away. As much as he wanted to continue this, he knew this would make their night better. He looked down at her heavily hooded eyes and parted lips. “I have to get back to work.”

“What?”

“I have to give some final orders before the celebration.”

Her big, violet eyes narrowed suspiciously, but he gave her another deep kiss before finally pulling away and tugging the war room door open. 

He smirked at her over his shoulder before finally walking out and shutting the door behind him.

Cullen couldn’t wait to see what she would do to retaliate.


	56. Reunion

The Commander had made a terrible mistake. 

Tessa was thoroughly frustrated and tried planning her revenge throughout the whole celebration of the dragon slaying, but all she could focus on was her silly, smug, and completely sexy Commander. After the way he kissed her earlier, all Tessa could think about was dragging Cullen to a shadowy corner and having her way with him. Two months was _way_ too long. 

She drummed her fingers on the armrest of her chair at the head of her table as she pondered what to do about her predicament. 

“Did someone piss in your beer?”

Tessa looked to see that Sera had plopped down in the empty seat next to her. The party was in full swing now and there was currently a group surrounding Iron Bull and Dorian as they tried to outdrink each other. 

Cullen was standing to the side with Cassandra and some of his lieutenants and the rest of her Inner Circle was scattered about the room among the nobles and ambassadors visiting Skyhold. 

“You could say that,” Tessa finally replied, looking back at the elf. 

“What happened? Did Cully Wully do something?”

Feeling a little more brave because of the alcohol, Tessa pouted and rested her chin on her hand. “More like what he didn’t do,” she grumbled.

Sera’s obnoxious giggle surrounded her. “Didn’ know that Cullen Wullen liked playing those games. Just drag him off to that war table of yours and shag ‘im there. There’s bets on whether you actually done it or not.”

The elf let out a loud belch before laughing more.

Tessa thought about what Sera had suggested. 

Her. Cullen. And the war table...that actually didn’t sound like a bad idea. 

“Sera, I need you to do something for me.”

“Wot?”

After 15 minutes of scheming, Tessa gave Sera the note for Cullen and she made her way to the war room. 

The Inquisitor looked around, pondering her next move before finally deciding to just strip down to her smalls. She hopped up to sit on the large table, wondering how she was going to go about this. This idea seemed much better in her head.

She suddenly heard the thud of heavy boots down the hallway and she decided to go for nonchalant as she waited for the door to open. Her heart was hammering in her chest and she was prepared to throw a fireball if it _wasn’t_ Cullen. 

Cullen finally stepped in, holding the note she told Sera to give him up to his face. “Did you need something, Tess-”

He finally saw her and the note fell from his hands. 

Tessa smirked at how his jaw was almost dropping. Biting her lip, she beckoned to him with a finger. “Yes, I need you to fix something from earlier.”

As Cullen strode toward her, Tessa knew one thing.

They definitely would be coming to the war room more often. 

Tessa felt her teeth click against his he kissed her so hard. Her fingers tugged and pulled at his clothing. She had to bite back a sigh when they finally managed to remove his shirt. Maker, his chest was magnificent. Tessa left a trail of sucking kisses down his throat and he let out a groan when she let her mouth trail along a long, white scar near his collarbone. 

Her blood quickened in her veins and Tessa was tired of waiting for what she wanted to happen, as much as she liked the attention Cullen usually gave her when they made love.

She gently pushed him away before getting off the table and turning around and leaning her forearms on it. She gave him what she hoped was a seductive look over her shoulder. “I’m waiting,” she said in a sing song voice, wiggling her behind a little. 

Poor Cullen looked like he was about to have a stroke.

“Tess, a-are you sure?”

Tessa let her head fall, causing her hair to spill around her now-blushing face. Maker, she had thought he would want this as much as she did. They had talked about the various things they would like to try in bed and both Tessa and Cullen had thought that making love in the war room would be exciting in itself.

Also, Tessa had only heard good things about the physical part of this position and she had been eager to try it eventually. 

She almost wished Cullen wasn’t the white knight he was about this. Then again, his tendency to constantly make sure she was enjoying anything they did gave her the courage to actually try what they talked about. She knew that he would stop if she didn’t like anything and she for him and that was more reassuring than anything. 

But now, she was positive she wanted--no-- _needed_ this. “Cullen, if you don’t pin me against this table and have your way with me this instant I--”

A long moan was ripped from her throat when Cullen promptly moved her smalls to the side and thrust into her, hard. 

The front of her thighs came into contact with the edge of the table and the slight pinch of it digging into her skin only added to her arousal. 

Maker, she _missed_ this. The past two months have been more trying than usual and she and Cullen haven’t been able to spend that much time together when they did see each other. She missed the intimate contact and the feel of him. 

Tessa could only gasp out moan after moan as Cullen started to pick up the pace and she wished she had something she could actually hold onto as the strength of his thrusts only increased as well. 

His arm wrapped around her and Tessa barely bit back a cry as his fingers started to rub at her clit. 

She could feel his chest against her back as he held her closer to him with his other arm and she shivered when she felt his lips on the back of her neck. It was amazing how he just seemed to know how to touch her in the right way at the right time.

Her breasts were now pressed against the cool, smooth wood of the war table and Tessa started to whimper when she felt her climax quickly approaching.

“Cullen!”

She let out a little yelp when her orgasm hit her hard, causing her back to bow and her hips to buck back against his. She almost didn’t feel him reach his own end right after she did. 

They both lay panting at the war table and Tessa knew that if Cullen pulled away she wouldn’t be able to stand. Her legs felt like jelly and every muscle in her body was limp. Cullen’s warm lips kept pressing kisses to the skin around her neck and shoulders and Tessa shivered at the feeling. She could already feel the burn of desire slowly returning from the touch. 

Cullen pulled away from her and slowly turned her around, helping her up onto the table, pulling her smalls down as he did. He trailed kisses down her throat before moving so she was sprawled out over the war table. 

Tessa let out an airy moan when he pressed himself at her entrance again. She was amazed that he was ready to go again so soon. His large, calloused hands reached up and slowly intertwined his fingers with her dainty ones, pressing them to the war table next to her head.

It was incredible how two completely different situations could be equally arousing. 

Cullen’s pace was slow this time, as if he was savoring every moment and all Tessa could do was lay back and sigh, lightly pressing her heels into the small of his back. The way he tilted his hips was hitting just the right spot inside her and she was shivering from the feeling. 

“I missed you,” he whispered over and over again against her skin. 

Tessa’s climax this time was long and rolling, leaving pleasant waves of energy tingling in her veins and she grinned as she stroked the Commander’s hair. 

“I missed you too,” she whispered, pressing a peck to his cheek. She then giggled and rocked her hips against his. “We’ll have to do this more often.”

Cullen snorted out a laugh, resting his forehead on her shoulder. “Only if Leliana and Josephine don’t catch us.”

Tessa couldn’t help but laugh along.


	57. Future Plans

The Commander found himself lying on the rug in front of the fireplace in Tessa’s...no, _their_ quarters much later that evening. By the time he and the Inquisitor finally left the war room to see if they could continue their activities upstairs, the celebration was almost over and no one even noticed they were gone.

Or if they did, they just decided not to comment on it.

Tessa had surprised him by pulling him down onto the floor once they reached their quarters and they made love right then and there. 

Maker, he missed her.

The past two months had been extremely trying because of Blackwall and that blighted dragon. They couldn’t even truly spend time together when he came to Val Royeaux because they were both so focused on the task at hand. 

Cullen didn’t know what time it was, nor did he care because he was able to watch the beautiful sight next to him. The light from the fire danced on her skin as she slept. She was on her stomach, just like him, and Cullen’s gaze traveled down the strong line of her back, where it ended with two dimples at the base. 

Both of their lower halves were covered with a blanket Cullen had managed to pull off the couch and Cullen was appreciative of the way it draped over her backside. He couldn’t resist reaching out and trailing a fingertip down the soft line of her jaw. 

Tessa had told him many times that her face was too round and many other things, but Cullen didn’t see anything wrong with the sight in front of him. To him, everything about her fit together perfectly and he wouldn’t change her for anything. 

The light touch of his fingertip was enough to wake her and she gave him a sleepy smile before scooting closer to him. “What are you up to?” 

“Nothing, just enjoying the view.”

Tessa turned on her side and nuzzled her face into his shoulder. Cullen moved to his own side and pulled her closer, giving her a slow, tender kiss. Maker, he missed just being close to her. 

“Cullen?”

“Hm?”

Tessa bit her lip and Cullen extended his arm so she could rest her head on it as she traced patterns on his skin. “Have you ever thought about what is going to happen after everything is over? With us, I mean.”

The Commander’s heart thudded with the question. He had not really thought about it to be honest. He remembered the last time either of them talked about this. “I seem to recall saying that I wouldn’t want to move on...and then you broke my wine bottle,” Cullen teased, trailing his fingertips down her arm.

“And I recall that you broke all of the others seconds later before showing me how unchantrylike you really are.”

“I seem to recall you enjoying that very much, actually.”

“Anyway, I asked you a serious question, Ser,” Tessa retorted with a laugh, smacking his arm playfully. 

Cullen pulled her close and rolled them so she was on top of him, letting his fingers roam down her back as he considered her question. She rested her hands on his chest and perched her chin on them, patiently waiting. 

“I haven’t really thought beyond us staying together. What have you thought about?”

She let out a soft sigh. “Well...I haven’t truly thought about it until recently. I never was able to imagine these sort of things in Ostwick. Mages don’t get to wonder what settling down is like... ” she trailed off, looking toward the fire wistfully. 

Cullen realized what she was thinking. She never was able to realistically imagine being with someone before...or having anything beyond that.

Cullen suddenly imagined spending the rest of his life with Tessa and possibly starting a family with her.

When he was a Templar, he never indulged in imagining these things because he believed they would never happen. The desire demon from Kinloch had tortured him with thoughts like that. It showed him and Solona having a happy family and Cullen knew it could never be true. But now...now he could actually consider those fantasies as an option. 

He knew he was deeply in love with the beautiful mage on top of him, and he allowed himself to think about what she was suggesting. Cullen had come from a big family and she did as well, and he suddenly imagined a little girl with her hair and eyes. 

He imagined Tessa wearing a ring on her finger and him proudly supporting her as not only her Commander, but as her husband.

Husband...he never thought he would ever consider applying that to himself. 

“What do you want, Tess?”

Tessa sat up straight, straddling his waist. She drummed her fingers against his chest, letting out a sigh and Cullen tried to keep his gaze away from her breasts. “I...I want to stay with you Cullen and Maker, do I want more, but…”

Cullen sat up and wrapped his arms around her, brow pinching at her worried expression. “But what?”

“I’m scared to think beyond that. I’m a mage. What are the odds of the Circles being reformed? What if nothing gets fixed? The odds of any child we would have being a mage is high and…” she trailed off again, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and burying her face in the crook of his neck. “I just get scared. I don’t want to put any child through what I had to go through. Now that I have been out of the Circle for so long, I have seen everything I was missing. I don’t want to put them in a cage.”

Cullen’s stomach dropped and his heart clenched when he heard the true fear in her voice. He didn’t think about that. Then again, the possibility of Cassandra or Leliana becoming Divine was high at this point, and he knew both women weren’t going to let what happened before happen again. 

And, it was true. There was a very high possibility that any child they have could be a mage. For some reason, that didn’t frighten him as much as he initially thought it would. Tessa had told him how her grandfather had watched over her like a Templar would a mage, only different. Her grandfather had taught her to not fear her magic and Tessa said that was probably why she could control it so well. 

Fear was the ultimate downfall for mages and Templars.

Frederick Trevelyan had watched over his granddaughter without fear and with understanding and care. 

Cullen knew right then and there that he would do that for any child they had, mage or not. If they were a mage, he believed that he could do what Tessa’s grandfather did. He knew the risks, but he knew the good magic could do. Tessa had helped show him that magic could be used for good in many ways and how it always doesn’t have to be a scary, ugly thing. 

“Tess, I swear to you, right now, that I would not let that happen.”

Tessa pulled back so she could look into his eyes. She tilted her head. “You wouldn’t?”

Cullen tightened his hold around her. “I agree with you. Besides, if your grandfather could watch over you, why can’t I do the same for a child? And,” he grinned and gave her a peck, “if we do have a child that’s a mage, what better teacher could they have than the Herald of Andraste?”

Tessa smiled and she started to play with the hair at the nape of his neck. “Do you know how relieved I am to hear you say that?”

“I believe I do, but now that we’re past that, what do you want in the future? We’re both mother hens and all according to your friends."

Tessa pouted and tugged at his hair. “I’m not a mother hen!”

“Right, and that’s not why all your friends come to you with their troubles.”

“I’m a good friend.”

“Or you’re motherly.”

Tessa snorted. “I wouldn’t put me and motherly in the same sentence.”

Cullen arched a brow at her. “Do I really need to list it out?”

“Yes, because I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she teased with a wink.

Cullen almost didn’t know what to do with himself. She was too adorable sometimes. “The way you help me with my withdrawal is proof enough” he gently reminded, kissing her again. 

She held his gaze for many moments before running her fingers through his hair, causing him to let out a soft moan. He didn’t know why, but he loved it when she did that more than anything else. 

“You really are the Lion of Ferelden,” she snickered, running her fingers through his messy hair again.

“How so?” Cullen asked, nuzzling his nose against her neck. Her flowery scent clouded over his senses as he pressed small pecks to her skin. 

“You literally purr when I play with your hair. And you’re really cuddly all the time.”

“You’re describing a cat, not a lion.”

“Lions are overgrown cats.”

“And that makes it better?”

Tessa’s eyes gleamed with mirth as she pressed a kiss to his scar. “Just accept it, love. Anyway, to answer your question; I come from a big family, and I happen to enjoy being around children. I wouldn't mind not taking that blasted potion every morning either.”

Cullen pulled away from her for a moment. “You’re serious about this?”

“I wouldn’t bring it up if I wasn’t,” she whispered, pressing her forehead to his.

“I never got to truly imagine this when I was a Templar,” he admitted. 

“I know, but now we can.”

They remained in a comfortable silence and Cullen still couldn’t get over how her skin felt against his own. It was like the finest silk and just having her near him made him almost forget everything bad in his life.

“How many children would you hypothetically want?” he finally asked.

Tessa grinned, shrugging one shoulder. “Well...how does 3 or 4 sound?”

He pressed a deep kiss to her lips. “Sounds perfect.”

Tessa suddenly beamed at him and a dreamy look came to her face. “I’m suddenly imagining a boy that looks like you.”

“I’d rather they all look like you.”

She shook her head. “You have many desirable qualities, Commander, don’t sell yourself short.”

Tessa let out a squeak of surprise before laughing as he moved them so she was underneath him. She parted her legs so he could rest comfortably between them, both gasping when his arousal hit the apex of her thighs. He brushed some hair back from her face before pressing kisses wherever he could. “And what are those, your Worship?”

“Your hair, for one. And your eyes. Your mouth, and--”

Cullen cut her off with his lips and he slowly pressed his hips forward until he was fully sheathed inside her. She sighed when he didn’t move and their kiss became more heated by the moment. “And one more thing,” she managed to gasp out as they parted for air, “I want them to have your bravery and faith.”

Cullen pinned one of her hands next to her head and he twined his fingers with hers while pulling at her hip with the other. He gave another slow, rolling thrust before saying, “And I want them to have your kindness and passion for everything you do.”

The beaming, loving smile she gave him made his heart thud even harder in his chest. She pulled him down to give him a deep kiss as they slowly rocked against each other. 

This was Cullen’s favorite way to make love to her. 

This allowed him to hear and see every reaction from her clearly and to just take in every sensation being this close to her gave him. He felt whole and safe in her arms and they fit together perfectly.

This was what loving Tessa was for Cullen. It was the calm, familiar, and safe feeling that was always present when she was near. It was steadfast and always secure. It was just what Cullen needed, considering all that he had gone through. If someone had told him that a mage would provide those feelings for him when he joined the Inquisition, he would have laughed. 

He knew that was probably why the scars from his past were finally healing. They both knew the harm both mages and Templars could inflict, yet they found their way to each other, despite that. They both helped pick each other up at their worst times and he knew he was becoming a better man because of her. He hoped he was doing the same for her. He wanted her to succeed and be as happy as possible and he prayed that was what he was for her.

Tessa reached up and pulled at his hair as she arched her back, letting out a breathy moan as he started to thrust harder.

Maker, he loved it when she arched against him. He loved how she felt around him and how she reacted to his touch. It was another thing that just made her...Tessa.

They both finally reached their climaxes, gasping each other’s names and pulling each other close. 

As they settled back down onto the rug, Cullen’s heart swelled when she tucked her head beneath his chin, draping her arm over his waist. He reached up and played with her hair as she slowly fell asleep with a grin on her face.

Cullen contemplated their conversation as he watched her sleep.

He was absolutely sure that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her and possibly have a family as well, but the nagging doubt at the back of his mind wouldn’t go away.

They were at war, and she was the Inquisitor and he was the Commander. What if one of them didn’t survive?

He stubbornly pushed the thought away as he started to fall asleep himself.

There was time to think about it ahead and he was determined to not let the pragmatic part of his mind ruin what he had right now.


	58. Wicked Grace

How Tessa found herself involved in a game of Wicked Grace, she didn’t know. What made it worse was that she was playing against an Antivan, a cheating Tevinter mage, a stalwart fake-Warden, a lying dwarf, a former Ben-Hassarath spy, and a drunk elf.

Tessa knew the rules of Wicked Grace, but she didn’t play that much at Ostwick. The tricks she knew now she learned from Varric when they were taking breaks from reading his reports on red lyrium growth.

What she wondered was how Varric was able to convince Cassandra and Cullen to join the game. Cole just appeared whenever he wanted. Gavin was also visiting from Adamant and Tessa was tickled pink when he sat between her and Josephine.

He couldn’t hide the tell-tale blush on his cheeks whenever Tessa elbowed him or gave him a cheeky look. 

Cullen sat across from her, looking like he would rather be anywhere but here.

Tessa occasionally ran her foot up along the side of his calf—since his shin was covered in armor—and she couldn’t help but feel a little smug whenever she saw his ears turn pink as he looked away from her. At least he didn’t scowl when she did that.

She did it again when Cullen tried to talk his way out of playing; only this time, she started to trail her foot up along his thigh. That caused him to shut up and look at her with a pinched brow. Tessa gave him an innocent grin with a shrug.

“Curly, if any man in history needed a hobby, it’s you,” Varric smirked. 

“E’s got one!” Sera laughed, pointing toward Tessa. She started to make gestures with her hands and Bull and Blackwall burst out laughing.

Gavin’s brows furrowed and he glared down at Tessa. “What is she talking about?”

“It’s Sera, Gav. Everything leads back to that for her,” Tessa retorted, using every ounce of her willpower to keep from blushing. Gavin knew that she and Cullen were in a relationship…he didn’t need to know the rest. She would rather not have her brother starting a fight with her lover in the middle of a tavern.

Cullen looked like he was trying not to smirk behind his ale.

The game finally started and Tessa immediately knew that she was not going to have any money on her by the end of the night.

The ale kept coming and that was when the stories began.

Cullen and Gavin were recalling some of the times they had at Kinloch…which involved a hazing tradition among the Templars. Gavin just sniggered behind his ale as Cullen told them about an unfortunate recruit he had helped haze.

“The poor recruit ran out into the dining hall in nothing but his knickers,” Cullen laughed. “And this…profound silence fell over the hall as seventy mages and thirty Templars all turned to stare at once.”

Tessa propped her chin in her hand and she had to stop a stupid grin from coming to her face as she listened. Cullen barely talked about the good times he had when he was a Templar and she was overjoyed to see how happy he was talking about it. It was about time he remembered something good from his past.

It was Gavin’s turn to elbow her with an eyebrow wiggle as Cullen continued his story.

Tessa elbowed him back.

Cullen leaned forward as he added intensity to his words. “Then a slow round of applause began. And spread until every soul was on their feet. A standing ovation!”

“What did he do?” Josephine managed to ask between giggles.

“Saluted. Turned on his heel. And marched out like he was in full armor.”

That got the table laughing. Bull and Blackwall were pounding the table with their fists and Cassandra was actually letting out full belly laughs. Josephine was a giggling mess as she leaned on Gavin’s arm and Tessa was trying to hide her snorts behind her hand.

Thankfully, only two people at the table knew she snorted when she laughed hard enough and Cullen was giving her a knowing grin.

“That’s how you know it’s true! I could never put that in a book. Too unlikely,” Varric managed to wheeze out. He looked up at Tessa, wiping tears from his eyes. “What about you? I’m sure you got some crazy Circle stories.”

“I’ve got plenty,” Tessa giggled.

“Those are boring. What about when we were kids, Tessy?”

“I can’t recall anything of the sort.”

“What about when you were 12?”

Tessa’s eyes widened. “Don’t you dare!”

Varric was hooked, unfortunately. “Tell us. What happened when Books was 12?”

Everyone leaned in expectantly and stared at Gavin. Tessa frowned at Cullen, who gave her a shrug.

“It was the time of our Aunt’s annual ball. We were forced to go no matter what and our parents were trying to use it as a match making event that year,” Gavin paused and leaned back in his chair, smirking at his sister, “they were trying to get us to know our possible future spouses, she was paired up with a snot nosed prig from Starkhaven and I was supposed to spend most of the night with the prig’s cousin. Tessy, of course, doesn’t do well with other people’s shite. Jon, Ol, and I made sure of that.”

“What did you do?” Cassandra asked, looking at the Inquisitor with arched brows.

Tessa rested her arms on the table and hid her face in them.

“The arsehole apparently told Tessy that he would not tolerate a wife who rode horses out in the open, read books on magic and history, and could not hold her tongue. He also told her that he hoped she would stop doing all of those things for the sake of their possible engagement.”

Tessa knew everyone was staring at her and she could feel Cullen’s foot nudge hers. She refused to look up.

“So, Tessy left the room and she came back into the hall with her dress on backwards and with half of the skirts tucked into the pants she was wearing underneath and she made her hair look like a rats nest. When he said something else, she punched him in the teeth. Jon, Oliver and I almost started crying from laughter. Mother was so angry she crushed her glass and Father actually looked proud.”

Tessa huffed and glared up at her brother. “Did you mention how he grabbed my arse after saying all those things to me before I changed my appearance?”

Gavin stared at her and his face started to slowly turn purple. “HE WHAT?!”

That was when everyone started to laugh.

“Go Boss!”

“Hmph, serves him right,” Cassandra huffed, grinning proudly.

“Goodness,” Josephine giggled.

Blackwall, Iron Bull, and Varric were trying to compose themselves still.

Dorian just rolled his eyes. “Are any of us honestly surprised? This woman sits in a horse stall for fun and she spends more time with that damn mabari than anyone else these days.”

Pepper barked in disapproval.

“No need to get testy,” Dorian huffed, staring down at the dog.

Pepper snorted at him and laid back down behind Cullen’s chair.

Cole finally spoke up. “You’re perfect. I love how you enjoy all those things. Safe, secure, accepting. Song is not loud when you’re near. I wouldn’t change you. I—”

“Thank you, Cole,” Cullen grunted, bringing his tankard to his lips.

Tessa’s heart fluttered as she stared over at him. Their gazes met and Tessa couldn’t hold back her grin. He set his tankard down and grinned back.

“Okay lovebirds, you can stare at each other all you want later. Who else has a story?” Varric asked, playing his hand.

Tessa pulled her braid over her shoulder and started to play with it as her cheeks flushed. Blast it, and she thought she would be used to the teasing by now. “Surely our professional storyteller has one,” she joked, trying to get the attention off of her and Cullen.

“I actually do.”

There was honestly more story telling than playing and soon, everyone wasn't shocked to see that Josephine had won…again.

“What the fu—“ Bull slurred, frowning at the Antivan.

Cullen surprised everyone by smirking at Josephine and leaning forward in his chair challengingly. “Deal again. I’ve figured out your tells, Lady Ambassador.”

“Nice try, Commander. I don’t even know,” Gavin grumbled so only Josephine and Tessa could hear.

Tessa couldn’t help but smirk at him.

Josephine leaned forward, clasping her hands innocently. “Commander! Everyone knows a lady has no tells,” she teased.

Cullen's smirk grew and leaned back in his chair. “Then let’s see if your good fortune lasts one more hand.”

Tessa stared at Cullen in confusion. Why was he so bold all of a sudden? He was the last to lose his money because he was so cautious before. Then again, she also knew how competitive he could be. This ought to be interesting. “I’m not losing any more coin to Josephine, but I’ve got to see this.”

“Don’t do it, Curly. You’ll regret it.”

Everyone nodded in agreement.

Cullen insisted, despite everyone’s warning, and the new hand began.

Tessa watched in both appreciation and slight horror as Josephine stripped Cullen of everything…literally. Soon, the Inquisitor found herself holding most of Cullen’s clothes and she had even put on his cloak so Sera or someone else wouldn’t steal it. She couldn’t help but bury her face into the fur collar every other moment. It smelled exactly like him.

She was just sad that she was not going to be the only one who has seen the Commander naked now.

Cullen’s face and upper torso were slowly becoming red in embarrassment, but he held himself with the same dignity as the recruit in his story did.

“Don’t say a word, dwarf,” Cullen growled when Varric peeked over at him.

“I tried to warn you, Curly,” Varric snorted, trying to hold back his laughter.

“Never bet against an Antivan, Commander,” Josephine stated. Her grin reminded Tessa of a cat who got the cream.

Dorian, who was now more than tipsy, leaned over Cassandra and said, quite loudly, “And you get to make sweet love to that every night? I should be more jealous than I am.”

“Hey!” Bull barked from the other end of the table.

Dorian looked down at him. “You have to admit that she’s lucky.”

Both of the men looked at Cullen appreciatively, causing his skin to flush even more.

“Dammit, you’re right,” Bull finally grunted.

Tessa was hyper aware of Gavin’s glare, but she didn’t pay attention to it.

“I’m leaving,” Cassandra announced, pushing Dorian away, “I don’t want to witness our Commander’s walk of shame back to the barracks.”

“I do!” Dorian hiccupped.

Tessa rolled her eyes. “I don’t share, Dorian.”

Cole, meanwhile, caused everyone to give one last roar of laughter when he said, “It comes off. I didn’t know it came off…”

Varric actually fell out of his chair he was laughing so hard. Tessa was also surprised to not care that she was laughing hard enough to snort again. Maybe it was because she knew Cassandra did it too. 

Gavin leaned over and hissed, “You both are dead,” when everyone composed themselves.

Tessa rolled her eyes and frowned up at him. “What are you going to do? Last I checked, I can do what I want with who I want with or without your permission.”

Gavin’s own frown grew and Josephine managed to drag him away from the table before he could say anything else. Varric and Cassandra also got up and Iron Bull had to pull Dorian away. Blackwall’s head slumped down onto the table and he let out a loud snore.

Sera, meanwhile, was passed out underneath the table.

Cole disappeared and that only left Tessa and the Commander.

“Do you want your pants at least?” Tessa asked, waving the said garment around.

Cullen rolled his eyes and stood from the table and Tessa had to force herself to keep her eyes on his face. He took his boots from her and they started to make their way toward the keep. Pepper was proving herself once again by running forward and she let out a bark whenever she saw anyone. Thankfully, it was too late for any visitors to be in the main hall and they were able to make it to their quarters with no trouble thanks to the mabari.

“I know one thing,” Cullen grumbled when Tessa shut the door behind them. Pepper’s nails clipped on the wood as she made her way up the stairs.

“And what’s that?” she asked, pulling the cloak around her more.

“I’m never playing cards again. I don’t know how Varric talked me into that.”

Tessa smirked and stopped in front of him halfway up the stairs. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and pressed a deep kiss to his lips. His hands fell to her waist and the kiss started to turn more passionate by the second. “That’s too bad. Watching you lose makes me want to play cards more often,” she snickered when his lips moved to her neck.

She squealed with laughter when he reached under her arse and lifted her up. Tessa wrapped her legs around his waist and tightened her hold around his neck, dropping all of his clothes in the process.

“What did Dorian say?” Cullen asked, starting to quickly make his way up the stairs. “You get to make love to this every night?”

“He said, 'make sweet love' I believe.”

Cullen finally made it to their room and he tossed her onto the bed. “Oh really?”

Tessa smirked up at him and sat up in the bed. “I believe so. And he was right, I am lucky.”

That caused Cullen’s eyes to darken even more and Tessa couldn't help but shudder when his gaze went from the top of her head all the way to her feet. “You’re not the only one who’s lucky.”

Soon, she found herself in the same state he was, save for his cloak.

Tessa had never imagined making love to Cullen while wearing anything of his, but she found that it was incredibly exciting to do so. Especially since she got to be on top.

Later that night, they stared up at the ceiling, just basking in the afterglow. Tessa traced patterns onto his chest with her fingertips and she bit her lip as laughter almost escaped from her lips. “Was Cole reading your thoughts after Gavin told his story?” she asked quietly.

She could feel Cullen’s laugh before she heard it she was curled so tightly against him. “Yes.”

“Really? You like that I do all the unladylike things?” Tessa teased, propping herself up on her elbow to look down at him.

He reached up and tucked some loose curls behind her ear. “Yes,” he chuckled.

Tessa cupped his jaw in her hand and leaned down to press a tender kiss to his lips. “I wanted to kiss you then and there. You’re too sweet sometimes,” she admitted when she pulled away. She began to trace her thumb over his bottom lip.

“It’s the truth.” He started to lift his head enough to be able to press kisses to her fingertips.

Tessa bit her lip as a wave of desire and tenderness flooded through her with the action. She smiled and threw her now-loose hair over her shoulder. “I also liked seeing you talk about the good times at Kinloch.”

Cullen sighed and reached up, running the backs of his knuckles down her arm. “I know I should focus on the good rather than the bad.”

Tessa kissed him again. “You looked happy.”

He reached up and pulled her back down so she was curled to his side again. “I am happy.”

Her heart fluttered again and Tessa grinned, pressing a kiss to the skin above his heart. She suddenly remembered something else. “I just recalled something.”

“Hm?”

“You still haven’t sung for me.”

“Oh no.” He didn't even try to hide the sarcasm.

Tessa poked near his armpit, causing him to squirm for a moment. “Please?” she mumbled.

He smiled and Tessa felt his arm flex beneath her head as he reached up and started to play with her hair. His lips pressed against her forehead and he started to sing softly.

Cullen’s voice was clear and he sang the notes with the same practice and precision he used with anything else in his life. He sang of enjoying life and rejoicing in the joy despite the sorrow. Tessa had never heard this song before, but it was quickly becoming her favorite. It sounded like it belonged in a Chantry sanctuary, but the words spoke of something outside of that. It reminded her of the wind blowing through a meadow or the tree branches in a forest. It filled her with peace.

Her eyes were glazing over with tears by the time he was finished and Tessa had to bury her face in his chest to stop them from escaping.

“That’s not a chantry hymn,” she finally managed to say past the lump in her throat.

“No…my mother used to sing it to us as a lullaby.”

Tessa’s throat closed up even more. “It’s beautiful.”

“She sang it better.”

Tessa let out a soft laugh and tightened her grip around him. His body suddenly jerked and Tessa immediately knew that it was withdrawal pain. She scooted up so she was slightly propped against the headboard and she rested his head against the crook of her neck.

His hold around her was almost crushing as he tensed up in pain and Tessa only tightened her own hold around him as she heard him hold back a strangled groan. A lullaby from her own past bubbled up in her mind and she started to stroke her fingers through his hair as she hummed it. Tessa wasn’t the best singer in the world. She could hold a tune, but she never sang too loud. Humming worked for most situations and that was best for her.

She kept humming the melody and she eventually became so focused on him that she just started to hum random notes.

His body finally relaxed and she pressed kisses to his sweaty forehead.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

Tessa smiled against his skin. “When will you realize that I mean it when I say you don’t have to apologize?”

“Never.”

Tessa snorted and scooted back down so they were both lying down again. He looked so forlorn and worn out and Tessa’s gut clenched at the sight. He had been doing so well, and it was moments like these that knocked him back two or three steps.

She brushed her thumb over his scar and whispered, “Hey.” He finally looked her in the eye again and she beamed up at him. “I love you.”

The look in his eyes and the tired smile told her he felt the same as he fell asleep out of exhaustion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song that I thought about while writing the last part is called 'How can I keep from Singing' and it's gorgeous to listen to. Listen to the version by Ike Ndolo if you're that interested.


	59. My Everything

If Cullen had learned one thing from having an older sister, it was to never get in the middle of a cat fight.

He learned to just sit back and stay out of it from the tender age of five when Mia and her friend argued. Despite this good life lesson, it was taking a great deal of effort to stay out of the potential cat fight he was witnessing at this moment.

Tessa and Vivienne were glaring at each other at the War Table while the advisors and the rest of the Inquisitor’s Inner Circle stared in in a mixture of shock and horror. 

Sera looked like she wanted to bolt from the room. Iron Bull and Varric were slowly backing up towards the wall away from the women. Blackwall and Cassandra were slowly moving their hands toward their swords and Solas was starting to lean on his staff less and less and Dorian even went as far as pulling his own off his shoulder. Cole kept appearing and reappearing and muttering something that sounded like, “I can’t help them.” Leliana and Josephine kept exchanging worried glances and Cullen was using all of his willpower to keep from blowing up himself.

It had all started when Vivienne had mentioned something about a political marriage for the Inquisitor and then things have just spiraled down from there.

“Why are we even discussing this?! We are about to march to face Corypheus and all you can think about is this?” Tessa snapped. The Inquisitor was standing next to her Commander and Diplomat and the said Commander was resisting the urge to rest a hand on her shoulder to calm her down.

“My dear, the Inquisition would have more resources if you only extended your hand. You already wasted opportunities when the Commander refused to answer any requests after the ball.”

“Don’t bring Cullen into this!”

“He’s the problem now.”

“Excuse me?!” Tessa’s voice was becoming an almost shrill sound and Cullen had only ever heard her use that tone one other time.

Unfortunately, that was when she caught him holding a full bottle of lyrium. The withdrawal almost seemed too much the morning after the Wicked Grace game and she had arrived just in time to stop him from making what was almost the biggest mistake of his life. He still felt guilty for making Tessa put up with him after that. She had been the best support anyone could have and he almost threw it back in her face that day. Things had been tense between them for the past couple days because of it and Cullen didn’t know how to make it up to her.

She didn’t deserve that. She shouldn’t have to deal with his problems when she had so many to deal with.

More angry words from the mage beside him pulled him back to the present.

The Commander also didn’t like how Tessa was technically the only one allowed to be upset at Vivienne right now. As much as Cullen would have loved to tell the woman to stick her political opinion where the sun doesn’t shine, his position wouldn’t allow him the pleasure. He kept his fingers clenched around the pommel of his sword and he grit his teeth to keep his opinion to himself. This woman wanted to give Tessa away like she was up for auction and end their relationship in the process.

“You keep wasting opportunities to gain more allies and the perfect way to do so is through marriage. I only gave my opinion, my dear. You are not in the position to barter at this point.”

Josephine tried to intervene, but Tessa beat her to the punch. She slammed her hands down on the War Table. “And I suppose this is when you tell me that no Orlesian would look at me twice because my complexion is too dark, my face too round, and my arse too big, correct?”

“Well, you aren’t wrong.”

Tessa went into her full-on Inquisitor stance and glowered at the woman across from her. “I’m the Inquisitor, dammit. I’m here to solve problems. I understand your opinions and expertise in the despicable Orlesian Game are needed but I’m the last person you should be talking to,” she seethed. “Now, we are going to plan our assault on this temple and you will be kind enough to keep your mouth shut while we do so, Madame de Fer.”

Vivienne was opening her mouth to most likely retort, but she promptly shut it when Tessa added, “And if you don’t I will have to ask you to stay here and out of the way.”

Tessa crossed her hands behind her back and looked at her advisors. “Now, would you all kindly explain how we are going to kick this magister’s arse?”

That caused everyone’s hackles to lower and the focus was on the assault again. Sera was now scooting closer to Tessa and sticking her tongue out at Vivienne and the rest of the Inquisitor’s friends let out a sigh of relief. Cullen could barely hear Varric mutter out a faint, “Shit.”

The plan for the assault on the Arbor Wilds was laid out for everyone. Tessa was to lead all of her companions and Morrigan into the temple to cut off Corypheus from the aluvean while the Inquisition’s forces kept the Venatori at bay.

Tessa kept giving Vivienne hard glares until the woman swept from the room with the rest of the Inquisitor’s companions, leaving only the advisers. Tessa slumped down to her forearms as soon as the door closed. “Maker,” she whispered, and Cullen could see that her hands were trembling.

“Tess,” Cullen said softly, resting a hand on her shoulder. He could tell right away that she wasn’t trembling because she was shaken. She was trembling because she was furious.

“How dare she?!” the Inquisitor seethed. “We are trying to save Thedas and she brings that up?! I feel like I’m back at home all of a sudden!”

Josephine and Leliana opened their mouths, but Cullen’s hard glare kept them from talking.

“Why do I keep her around?! Someone please tell me why I keep her around!”

Tessa suddenly bolted upright and started to pace toward the other side of the war table. The Inquisitor was pacing furiously and Cullen could see sparks forming at her fingertips.

Josephine finally spoke. “She does have a voice in the Orlesian courts, but what she said is not true in any sense. We are well loved in Orlais and Ferelden and no political arrangements are needed.”

Cullen truly appreciated how cordial Josephine could be. He could see that she was trying to calm Tessa down without speaking ill of anyone.

“What was all that about your appearance?” Cullen found himself mumbling aloud. He instantly wished he could reach out and take those words back. But, the question had been heard, even though he said it almost under his breath.

Tessa and the other women looked at him in mild shock before they all burst out laughing.

“Don’t you know, Commander? Tan skin is apparently unattractive in Orlais,” Josephine giggled.

“Oh yes, and if your hips are a little too wide for your shoulders, you don’t exercise enough,” Leliana noted with an eye roll.

Tessa flipped her braid over her shoulder. “Oh yes, and if you don’t look like a doll, you’re not pretty enough.”

Cullen didn’t get women or fashion…at all. “That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard,” he grumbled. He thought Tessa was beautiful; then again, he was probably more biased than others. She had the right amount of curves for her willowy frame and he didn’t see anything wrong with her face. Besides, he happened to like that arse she mentioned. She was perfect the way she was.

“You’re not the only one who thinks so,” Tessa replied. She didn’t look as angry now and a small grin had replaced her frown.

“Well, I’m going to contact our allies and see where their agents are positioned,” Josephine finally said, picking up her clipboard and making her way out of the door. Leliana followed close behind after her, bidding a similar farewell.

Tessa slumped down onto the table again. “I can’t believe I lost my temper so easily,” she grumbled, running her fingers through the fringe of hair that always managed to escape her braid.

Cullen walked over to the other side of the table and leaned back against it. “You yelled at her before I could,” he admitted.

Tessa snorted out a laugh. “I thought you only lost your temper around recruits.”

“Madame de Fer is an exception.”

Tessa looked up at him out of the corner of her eye, giving him a wry grin. “I almost felt like I was being scolded by my mother and aunt again. ‘Tessy, you’ll never get married if you keep up this behavior!’ ‘That is NOT how a lady should act. No one will want to marry you.’”

Cullen just stared at her in disbelief. How could someone say that to their own child?

“Ostwick was a blessing in a way. I was able to escape being married off to some prig,” Tessa continued, turning around so she could lean back against the table as well.

A burning doubt that had settled in the back of Cullen’s mind came back at full blaze at her words. What would her family think of him if they all knew he didn’t have anything outside of his title? He honestly cared more about what her other brothers thought than her parents, but he didn’t want to be the wedge between her and her family. 

“Tess?”

“Hm?”

“You don’t care about me not having any titles outside of the Inquisition, do you?” He sounded pathetic. The doubt and worry wouldn’t go away and he had to know.

Tessa gave him a bewildered look, her brows pinching slightly. “No. Why would I?”

Cullen sighed and wiped a hand down his face. He was an idiot. He knew she wouldn’t care. “Forget I asked.”

“No, you’re going to tell me why you asked that question,” Tessa argued, pushing away from the table so she could face him and cross her arms.

The Commander and the Inquisitor stared at each other for many moments before the Commander finally sighed. “It’s—I just keep forgetting that you are a noble. I don’t want to cause trouble with you and your family and,” he paused, trying to collect his thoughts. He stared up at the ceiling, wondering if she thought he was a fool now.

The soft laugh that she only seemed to have around him reached his ears and her hands were on either side of his neck, gently making him tilt his head down to look at her; she must have not thought he was a fool because she was smiling. “You realize I had to give up all claims to nobility when I had to go to Ostwick? Surely you didn’t forget that rule.”

“I know, but the world doesn’t work on those rules now.”

Tessa shook her head and ran her thumbs along his jaw. “You do know why I love you, right? Nobility and titles have nothing to do with it.”

“But-“

“Besides, I’m the Inquisitor and you’re becoming one of the most well-known military leaders in Thedas. I think we’re going to be fine.”

“The Inquisition won’t be around forever.”

“No…but I do seem to recall both of us saying we’ll stay together regardless,” she teased with a smirk, moving her hands down to the edge of his breastplate.

“Tess, what if your family doesn’t—“

He let out a small grunt of surprise when her fingers curled around the edge of his breastplate and pulled down. Her lips were suddenly on his and Cullen let himself get swept away in the kiss.

Cullen was still amazed by how just a simple kiss from Tessa made him feel. Even the tiniest peck made his heart thud and his stomach flip because it was from her. The amazing woman who had chosen him of all people to give her heart to and he gave her his in return. Vivienne was right, she could simply hold out her hand and she could possibly have anyone, but she chose him.

“The only opinions I care about are my brothers’ and my grandparent’s. My parents, aunt, and any other party involved can shove it,” she said against his lips before kissing him again.

She suddenly pulled away, looking up at him with wide eyes. “Oh Maker, what about your family? Will they think I’m some noble snob?”

Cullen stared at her in shock before letting out a laugh. “Trust me, you don’t have to worry about that.”

She arched a brow. “What do you mean?”

Cullen wrapped his arms around her waist with a grin. His worries and doubts were buried…for now. There was plenty of time to worry about that after Corypheus was dealt with. “I already told Mia about you. And she has the biggest mouth in the family.” He leaned down and pressed his forehead against hers. “Besides, you’re the last person I would call a snob.”

Tessa nuzzled her nose against his cheek before pressing a kiss there. “And why is that?”

“You put up with me.”

The Inquisitor pulled away slightly and looked up at him with an expression he couldn’t read. He held her gaze, hoping she could see how much he regretted what he did to her the other day.

The morning after the game of Wicked Grace was the worst he had ever felt. Tessa had already left the room before he had woken to take care of some business so he was alone as his body shook uncontrollably. All of his muscles kept clenching and locking up painfully and he was lucky he was able to grab a bucket to vomit in after going through that for 20 minutes.

Pepper had stayed by his side throughout the whole episode and he felt ashamed knowing that he willfully pushed the mabari away.

When Marie, the elf that cleaned their quarters, had come up, he instantly ordered for her to get a draft of lyrium. He had never felt so defeated in his life as he waited for the elf to come back. The pain had finally won, his will was broken. He couldn’t…he couldn’t do it and he had failed so many people because he couldn’t.

He had retched into the bucket two more times before Sophie returned with the lyrium.

Cullen didn’t know how long he just stared at the bottle, listening to the song the lyrium was singing. Every time he started to lift it to his lips, he immediately pulled it away before any could touch him. He had failed to notice that Pepper had disappeared while he was staring down the bottle and the mabari had apparently found the Inquisitor—who was on the other side of Skyhold—and literally pulled her toward the other side of the keep.

Pepper was not even fully grown and she was strong enough to almost pull Tessa down by just biting down on her pant leg and tugging.

Tessa had left a meeting she was having with some mages and sprinted after the mabari to their quarters

Cullen barely remembered Tessa pulling the still-full bottle of lyrium from his hands and holding his face in her hands as she talked to him. The former-Templar had never felt so ashamed in his life and he wished Tessa would have just become angry at him and not at herself. Tessa had apologized for not being there for him and Cullen almost vomited again his guilt was so strong.

None of this was her fault. All of it was his and it should only be his burden and he had just whispered, “I’m sorry,” over and over after she dumped the lyrium out into the bucket.

The soft touch of her hand on his cheek brought him back to the present and Cullen was torn between pulling away from her and leaning more into her touch. Her thumb swept over his scar and his breath hitched with the action…like it did every time she did that.

“Don’t you dare put yourself down,” she scolded, furrowing her brow.

“Tess, I almost gave in and—“

“You have come so far. When will you see that anyone else would have given up by now?!” she ranted.

“I’m not good for you!” he snapped, finally putting it out in the open.

Her eyes widened and her mouth formed a small ‘o’ as her jaw dropped a little. “What’s that supposed to mean?” she hissed.

Cullen tried to pull away from her, but she wouldn’t let him get away. “I am only giving you more burdens to deal with and I never wanted to be that for you! You have enough and I don’t want to be on your long list of problems.”

Tessa stepped away a little and Cullen’s heart dropped when he saw her eyes glazing over with angry tears. “So…what? Do you want to end this? Is that what you’re saying?” she countered.

That was the last thing Cullen wanted to do. “No!”

“Then what are you getting at?! You’re not another ‘problem’ to me, Cullen!” Tessa snapped.

“Why did you blame yourself for the other day?! All of that was my fault. Not. Yours!”

“I should have been there for you! I could have—“

“What do you think I do when you’re not here, Tess?! Are you going to blame yourself for all of those times as well?” Cullen snarled, letting out his frustration. Everything would be perfect if he wasn’t…himself.

Tessa opened her mouth to reply, but her eyes widened and she instantly closed it and she turned away from him and Cullen instantly felt like an ass.

They stood in an angry, tense silence for what seemed like years. Cullen could only stare at her as she stood there, hugging herself. He finally gave into the urge to hold her close and he wrapped his arms around her from behind, resting his forehead on her shoulder. “I just—I want to be stronger and better for the Inquisition, for you…and I’m the only one who has control of that,” Cullen whispered, trying to put how he was thinking into words.

He felt her tilt her head to rest it against his.

“I love you. I appreciate and know how much you want to help, but this is my battle. I don’t want you blaming yourself. That is the last thing I want this to cause,” he finished, tightening his hold around her.

“That’s not why I’m upset.”

Cullen loosened his hold around her so she could turn around and look up at him. Tears were streaming down her cheeks and Cullen felt his heart clench at the sight. He reached up and wiped her tears away, resting his hands on her cheeks.

“You’re infuriating sometimes. You don’t think you’re worthy of anything good and I hate that you think that way. What you have to go through is not your fault. It’s the damn Chantry’s for putting that leash on you in the first place. You are the best man I know and I blame myself because I obviously don’t tell you enough,” she managed to choke out. “You’re my everything, Cullen.”

Tears had started to form in Cullen’s eyes and he didn’t know what to say. He knew she loved him, but to hear her say this about his addiction and how she felt about it…he did the only thing he could do since words would only fail.

He pulled her close and held her as tight as he could.

“And you’re mine,” he whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt I had to add this because of that friend I mentioned in one of the earlier chapters about Cullen's addiction. They told me they felt that way concerning every relationship they had and they felt like they were a burden to everyone. I knew I couldn't leave that out while writing about Cullen and his addiction.


	60. Scorch Marks

The blank page in front of Tessa seemed to be mocking her as she stared down at it, quill in hand. 

She had planned on writing letters to her parents, telling them that she was thinking about them and wished they were well. What she truly wanted to do was find out why they stopped writing to her. 

But how does one tell their family members that they might never see them again while demanding answers? 

She had already been in contact with her brothers and grandparents and had been keeping in touch with them throughout her time as Inquisitor. Her brothers had been more than ecstatic to hear from her and they constantly asked about the Inquisition. Her grandparents have shown interest in the Inquisition as well, but they asked about her friends and the rumors about her and Cullen more than anything. Her grandfather seemed tickled pink that she was in a relationship with a former Templar. But her parents? Not a word.

“Is Josephine making you write personal responses again?”

Tessa looked up to see Cullen at the top of the stairs to their chambers with Pepper right on his heels. The waning sunlight caused his hair and skin to glow and it hit his armor dramatically, making him look like one of the princes from the stories she read when she was little. The sight of him still caused her heart to skip, despite how close they have become.

She gently set down her quill before leaning back in the chair at her desk. “No...I’m trying to think of what to say to my parents.”

Cullen arched a brow as he started to pull off his armor. Pepper walked over to her pile of cushions and started to gnaw on a bone Marie had brought from the kitchen. “What do you want to tell them?”

The Inquisitor sighed, rubbing the back of her neck. “I want to tell them everything, yet I don’t know what to say about everything. I’m sure Gavin has been keeping them up to date but I want to at least make an effort to talk to them again.”

Cullen pulled off the rest of his armor and then removed the shirt he usually wore beneath it and replaced it with a clean one. He strode across the room and stood behind her, looking down at the blank page on the desk. His heavy hands rested on her shoulders and Tessa groaned happily when he started to gently knead at them. “When I started to write to Mia, I just told her what I was doing now. Mia came up with questions after that. Rosalie and Branson did the same.”

Tessa bit her lip. What if she wouldn’t have the opportunity to write a letter in response? She was confident that she and her friends could face Corypheus and survive, after all, she’s done it before. 

But, if she’s learned one thing about battles is that nothing was certain. She knew that anyone could meet their demise at any point and she was frightened that she wouldn’t be able to say or do all the things she wanted before that time came.

There were too many things that needed to be dealt with and she knew one letter wouldn’t solve everything between her and her parents. 

She pushed those thoughts aside and thought about what Cullen suggested, leaning more into his touch. She could just tell them what she has been up to at Skyhold. Would it be better if she acted as normal as possible instead of using flowery words she knew she wasn’t capable of? She knew they could probably see the words she was trying to say regardless. 

A wave of hurt suddenly rushed through her. What if she never got to see anyone in her family again? She had chosen not to think that she could while she was at Ostwick, but now that she was the Inquisitor, she could actually consider that possibility again. 

Her heart ached and her throat started to close up when she thought about that year when she still had the hope that her parents would write again. The letters just...stopped and she wrote for a year, regardless. She had special privileges when she was in the tower, due to her grandfather’s connection with the Templars and her family being noble, and she used that privileges for what they were worth. She had replies from her grandfather, from her brothers, and even some of her old friends. But her parents? Nothing after a year. 

Tears started to fall down her cheeks before she realized it and of course Cullen noticed. 

He moved to where he could lean back against the desk and he reached forward to hold her hands in his. “What’s wrong?”

Tessa sniffed, not wanting to keep the emotions she had held inside for years to herself anymore. “My father was my best friend before leaving for the Circle. They called me his little shadow for years. When I wasn’t with my brothers I was following him wherever he went. He stopped writing to me after I was in Ostwick for a year,” she choked out, “Who does that to their child?!”

She felt horrible, because she knew that Cullen had lost his parents to the Blight years ago and that was why his siblings moved to Southreach, but she just had to say this. 

Cullen’s face fell more and more as she continued. “Everyone talked to me but them. I couldn’t help but think that I was an embarrassment to them and that was why they stopped writing and-” She bit back more words and her lip quivered from the effort. 

Then, Cullen’s arms were around her and she clung to him, crying silently into his shoulder. She was hurt and just plain angry about the whole situation and she was doing what she normally did when she was upset. Cry. She was such a big crybaby and she hated it. She clung to Cullen until she calmed down and she felt bad for him again. She wondered how he put up with it.

She knew this couldn’t be comfortable for him, since he had to lean over to hold her. She pushed him away, wiping at her eyes a little. “I don’t know how to talk to them now. And I honestly wonder why I should. I know it’s the right thing to do and, oh blast it, I’m being selfish. Here I am refusing to contact my parents when you-”

Cullen shook his head. “You aren’t being selfish. The fact that you’re considering writing them at all is astounding. I still wonder why Mia writes back to me.”

Tessa hiccupped and tried to find the right response. She didn’t have one. “I just... I still have parents to write to Cullen. I can’t help but feel that I’m rubbing it in your face or something when I mention them.”

The amber eyes she had come to love so much softened at her words and a small grin came to his lips. “Tess, is that what you’re doing?” he teased.

“No!”

“Then you aren’t. I have already mourned and I am not going to blame people for having living parents,” he chuckled. 

Tessa suddenly realized what she must have sounded like. A whiny baby. “Maker,” she groaned, hiding her face in her hands. 

He pulled her hands away from her face and pressed a kiss to the backs of her knuckles. “Now, what are you going to tell them?”

She looked down at the paper and then back up at him. “That I’m in love with a wonderful, stubborn, man that’s willing to listen to my whining.”

He let out a laugh at that. “Don’t forget to mention the being penniless outside of the Inquisition. I’m sure they’d love that.”

Tessa grinned before she finally realized what she was going to write about first. “Maybe I’ll tell them that after I talk about how we’re trying to save Thedas.”

He pressed a kiss to her forehead before moving toward their washroom. “That sounds like a good idea.”

Tessa was surprised when the words just started to flow as she wrote. She wrote about why she was at the Conclave. What happened while she was at Haven. Then Skyhold. Then she wrote of the Inquisition’s plans and then about the friends she had made while she was there. When she started to write about Cullen, her hand faltered for a moment. She truly didn’t care what her parents thought, she had no claims to anything they could give her, after all.

She shoved the thought from her mind, determined to get how she felt about the former Templar seated at their couch into words. Meanwhile, he was looking at the multitude of reports scattered on the coffee table. 

Soon, she was finished with her letter and she sighed in relief. It ended up being three pages long, front and back, and she was finally satisfied with it. She looked up and she smiled at the sight of Cullen still bent over his work. He had lit a few candles since then and his brow was furrowed as he looked at the report he was holding. His other hand was over his mouth and he looked deep in thought. 

Getting up as quietly as she could, she tip toed to where she was behind him before resting her hands on his shoulders like he did for her earlier. “What could you possibly be working on right now?”

She knew he had gone through all of his reports earlier because she saw him deliver them all at the war table meeting. 

“Captain Rylen has been asking how to increase morale at Griffons Keep and-”

“I thought we already dealt with that.”

“We have...and it worked until the new recruits were stationed out there. Not even the cook pleases them now.”

Tessa hummed in thought. “Let’s ask Leliana and Josie tomorrow. Hopefully they won’t suggest shoes or something of that sort again.”

She started to knead her fingers into the firm muscle of his shoulders and he let out a groan before leaning back against the couch, resting his head against her stomach. She bit her lip, feeling the tension in his body. Would he trust her with a little spell she knew would help with that?

She made sure to not use magic around him if she didn’t need to and she always asked if it was alright if she did. She had used the sleeping spell a few more times since when he first told her about the nightmares and healed some of his headaches, but other than that, nothing. 

The Inquisitor pushed the idea to the side. She didn’t want to ruin this moment and there was plenty of time to address that issue further than they already have. He had told her he was perfectly fine with her using magic around him, but on him was a different story. He told her it didn’t bother him, but she knew better. 

Tessa knew some scars just don’t heal. 

Hearing him groan and sigh during the massage was causing different thoughts to appear in her mind anyway. Ones that involved no clothing. Grinning, Tessa slowly started to let her hands run further down his chest and back up toward his shoulders again. 

It always amazed her how solid Cullen felt. His skin was soft and warm but the muscles underneath made him feel like living steel beneath her fingers. That quality about him always made her feel safe when he held her and it never failed to excite her. Feeling him relax under her touch was incredible and she smirked when she heard him sigh when she reached toward the hem of his shirt.

“I think we both should finish with work for the day,” she whispered in his ear. 

His soft chuckle reached her ears and she kept smirking when he turned his head to look at her. 

“I think so too.”

Tessa bit her lip to keep from giggling and she heard his quick breath at the action. 

The mage never considered herself good at seduction or anything of that sort when it came to romance, but she found that one didn’t have to be that way for someone they cared about. Moments like this were easy now and she finally stopped overthinking it and it was wonderful. 

Her breath hitched when he suddenly smirked at her, eyes darkening as he reached up and tucked some stray hair behind her ears. “I actually have been wanting to try something,” he said, pressing kisses to her jaw. 

“And that would be?” she purred, nuzzling her nose into his neck, breathing in his masculine scent.

He stood and made his way around the couch and Tessa couldn’t stop the shiver that ran down her spine. The way he was walking was almost predatory. Pulling her close, he started to press small, open mouthed kisses against the side of her neck as he reached up and pulled at the tie at the end of her braid. 

She was waiting in excited anticipation for what Cullen was going to suggest. She discovered his ideas usually ended up being extremely pleasurable for her and she was always open to them. His fingers moved through her hair until her braid was fully undone and he didn’t hesitate to bury them into the golden-red locks and pull to have more access to her neck.

Her hands rested on his arms, fingers curling into the fabric of his shirt as she waited for his answer. 

His lips started to nip at her earlobe and she couldn’t stop the shudder that went through her. “I want you to be over me when I use my mouth.”

Tessa’s eyes popped wide open as she thought about it. Him, on his back, and her above him and...her knees were failing her already at the idea. 

“Oh Maker,” she gasped, pulling him closer.

He kissed her deeply and started to move her toward the bed. She giggled when they fell onto it together. She helped him pull his shirt over his head and she helped him shrug off her own and toss it to the side. 

“May I ask what brought this idea along?” she managed to ask between kisses. 

He smirked against her lips before propping himself fully on his forearms above her. “I just...I like watching you react to everything and well…” he trailed off, suddenly embarrassed. 

She traced patterns with her fingertips on his collarbone, biting back a laugh. She knew exactly what he meant. She liked watching him come undone under her touch as well. She lifted her head enough to capture his lips with hers again. “You might want to lie down then, Commander.”

She heard his breath hitch and he rolled to the side so he could lie on his back. Tessa got up to her feet and slowly pulled her leggings down. Just because she wasn’t an expert at seduction didn’t mean that she couldn’t try. 

Turning, she gave him a good view of her arse as she finished pulling them off and tossed them to the side.

She heard a soft, ‘Maker’s breath’ from his direction and itencouraged her to slowly remove her small clothes, giving him the same view. She turned and his eyes seemed darker, if possible and she saw his throat bob as he swallowed heavily. 

Her luck at successfully being seductive ended when the knot to his pants just wouldn’t come undone. 

He let out a laugh when Tessa cursed softly at the knot. Cullen moved her hands away and pulled at the knot himself and Tessa took that time to press kisses wherever she could. She started at his collarbone and moved her way down his chest toward the hemline of the pants he had just managed to untie. 

Tessa helped him pull both his pants and smallclothes as he kicked off his boots. She slowly climbed on the bed over him, pressing kisses wherever she could. She was mildly surprised to see him already half hard. 

“Come here,” he ordered huskily, gently pulling her up toward his head. 

Tessa’s heart felt like it was going to beat right out of her chest and her stomach fluttered with excitement. They maneuvered themselves so she had her knees on either side of his head and Tessa felt as if electricity was going through her body. Cullen’s large hands were now on her hips and they seemed to only be there to steady her, not guide. 

“Cullen, I-”

“Just move your hips the way you need to. You’re in control,” he said darkly, thumbs rubbing circles into her hips.

Nodding, she put her hands on the headboard and slowly lowered her hips. 

Instead of starting out with small, teasing movements like he usually did, Cullen boldly slipped his tongue inside her immediately. 

Tessa moaned and started to move her hips slowly. The scrape of his stubble against the sensitive skin of her inner thighs only added to the overwhelming sensation. Cullen’s grip on her hips tightened and she moaned when his nose brushed against her clit. Tessa didn’t even try to hold back her moans. She knew Cullen liked to hear her and she couldn’t think enough to be self-conscious about it at the moment.

The sounds coming from where they were joined was almost too much for the mage. Sooner than ever before, she could feel her orgasm coming quickly. Abandoning the careful tilting she started with, Tessa began to grind against his mouth. The strength of this orgasm was unlike anything she had ever felt before and she almost screamed when he started to move his tongue inside her in time with his nose rubbing against her clit.

Tessa clung to the headboard as the dam was finally starting to break. 

“Cullen, I’m-” A yelp overtook her words when she finally fell over that edge 

Her hips started to jerk and Cullen suckled and nipped at her throughout her climax. Tessa threw her head back and tried to regain her breath when her muscles finally relaxed and Cullen gently pulled her into an embrace beside him. 

She still couldn’t control her breath, her body was still tingling from her orgasm and every touch of his skin against hers seemed electrified. She glanced down and was surprised to notice that he had come at some point as well.

“Andraste’s tits,” she laughed, breathless. 

“Tess.”

“Hm?”

“The headboard.”

Tessa looked up and her eyes widened when she saw scorch marks surrounding the area where her hands were. She looked back down at him before they both burst into laughter. Tessa wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face into his shoulder. “That has never happened to me before.”

His hold around her tightened as he still chuckled. “I suppose that means I did a good job.”

“Is that smugness I hear in your voice, Commander?” she teased, propping herself up on one elbow.

“Perhaps.”

Tessa rolled her eyes snuggling against him. After many moments, she started to trail her fingertips up the strong line of his abdomen. She couldn’t wait until he was ready to go again. “How are we going to explain that one to Marie?”

He barked out a laugh. “Let’s just not mention it.”

“What if one of our friends see when they come to see me during the day?”

“And they don’t tease us already?”

She giggled as he tightened his hold around her, turning to his side.

They looked into each other’s eyes lovingly for a moment before Tessa leaned forward and pressed a tender kiss to his lips. “I love you.”

“And I you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The damn Cullenites on tumblr made me want to write Cullenlingus. No ragrets.


	61. You drive me wild

Ever since Cullen moved into Tessa’s quarters, he started to notice more things about her routine he never could have noticed before. He knew she was a morning person, and just like him, she would get up and occupy herself if she had nightmares.

Her nightmares usually involved what she saw in the Fade at Adamant and he usually woke when she did, knowing how horrible nightmares could be. 

One of the things she did when she woke up was go out to the courtyard and do exercises with her staff. She would do it before anyone else in the keep was awake. 

Cullen knew she was out doing just that when he awoke one morning. The sun was barely rising and the cold spot in the bed next to him and the lack of Pepper’s presence told him where she was. He got up and pulled on some clothes and he grabbed his old two handed sword from the corner before making his way outside. 

The Inquisitor was the only one in the ring and she was twirling her staff around at invisible foes while Pepper sat to the side, silently observing. 

He leaned on the railing of the practice ring, just content to watch her. 

Tessa’s body had become lithe and limber as she did more and more for the Inquisition. At Haven, she had the softness that usually was a trait of Circle mages. Now, she was lean and he could see the muscles of her arms and legs flex and move beneath her skin. Her feet were bare and the leggings she wore were like a second skin and the undershirt she was wearing was sticking to her skin from the sweat. 

Maker’s breath, she was gorgeous. 

A small grin was on her lips as she twirled the staff above her head and that was when she finally noticed him. 

“Do you need a partner?” he asked, climbing over the fence into the ring. 

“I would love one,” she replied breathlessly, leaning on her staff for a moment. 

Cullen had not used a two handed sword for many months, opting to use a sword and shield to allow him more to work with in battle. He missed the feeling of the heavy blade in his hand. It was his original preferred weapon as a Templar and he forgot how powerful it made him feel as he went through a few exercises against a dummy to warm up.

“No shield?”

Cullen glanced up at Tessa and finished the exercise before stepping closer to her. “I actually used a two handed blade throughout my service in the Templars. I decided to switch to a sword and shield when I became Commander.”

Tessa nodded in understanding. “A two handed blade is more likely to do heavier damage to an abomination, correct? At least that’s what I remember my grandfather telling me.”

They got into position across from each other. “Same rules?” he asked, lifting his sword. 

“I’m not going to use magic this time. I already drained myself,” she replied, adjusting her grip on her staff. 

Cullen nodded and surged forward to attack.

He was always amazed at how quick she was every time he sparred with her. Every block she executed was quickly followed by an attack. She kept her distance when she wasn’t attacking and always weaved in and tried to lay a blow when she could. 

They danced around each other for what seemed like hours. Cullen soon found himself getting distracted by her again and had to use all of his focus to pay attention to what she was doing rather than how her skin looked or how her heavy breaths was causing her chest to heave. He finally gave in and just dropped his sword, caught her staff in his hand and she let him pull it from her easily, seeing his intent.

She reached up and held his jaw right as he pulled her close to him as their mouths clashed together hard enough to make their teeth click. Their mouths moved against each other and he felt her fingers grip at the back of his shirt desperately. 

A low bark from Pepper caused them to barely pull away from each other and see the servants were starting to do their morning duties. Any servant who looked their way quickly avoided their gazes and started to walk faster after catching their attention. 

Cullen sighed and rested his forehead against hers. “Maker preserve me, you drive me wild,” he chuckled. 

“Likewise,” she teased breathlessly.

Cullen smirked, pressing a tender kiss to her lips before pulling away. “I suppose we should get ready for the day.”

With a grin, the Inquisitor picked up her staff and she intertwined her fingers with his. “Lead on, Commander.”

Nothing felt as right as her fingers holding his own and he basked in the feeling all the way to their quarters.


	62. You will come back

Cullen usually wasn’t an elusive man, but Tessa was finding it extremely difficult to find him at the moment.

The Inquisitor couldn’t help but notice how he slowly looked more and more upset during her debriefing on what happened in the Temple of Mythal. She had already told him what happened at the Arbor Wilds when he returned with some of his troops and the Inquisition’s leaders had met again to discuss what to do now.

Now, it seemed that Tessa had to accompany Morrigan to an altar to discover what they could do with the power from the Well of Sorrows. Tessa was glad she had Solas there to help her decide who would take the power. Even though Tessa didn’t trust Morrigan, Solas’ expression told her everything she needed to know. The elf didn’t hide his emotions like he usually did at the Well and the Inquisitor knew she didn’t want the power it offered.

Tessa still couldn’t find her Commander. He wasn’t in his office, their quarters, the training grounds, or anywhere else he usually haunted.

The last place to check was the garden. He did occasionally go out there to play chess.

He wasn’t there either. Tessa was just about to give up before she heard his voice coming from the room they used as the impromptu Chantry.

Tessa slowly made her way toward it and she was not all that surprised to see Cullen kneeling before the statue of Andraste, praying.

She leaned her shoulder against the entryway and stayed silent as he finished his prayer. “A prayer for you?” she asked, stepping further into the small sanctuary.

Cullen glanced at her over his shoulder before admitting, “For those we have lost.” He paused and let out a small sigh. “And those I am afraid to lose.”

“You’re afraid?”

“Of course I am! Corypheus possessed that Grey Warden at the Temple of Mythal. What more is he capable of?” he exclaimed, standing up. “It’s only a matter of time before he retaliates. We must draw strength wherever we can.”

He turned toward her and Tessa could see the fear in his eyes. She reached out and took his gloved hand in hers, running her thumb along the back of it. He sighed and grimaced before continuing, “When the time comes, you will be thrown into his path again.”

He shook his head and turned away, staring out into the garden. “Andraste preserve me, I must send you to him.”

Tessa’s heart started to race and her stomach rolled at the thought. The Inquisitor would have been lying if she said she wasn’t frightened. She honestly was terrified to finally face Corypheus, yet she wasn’t at the same time. She had faith in herself and in her friends and she knew they could defeat this evil together.

But, Cullen’s plans for the battle that will most likely come involved her going to face Corypheus alone with her friends while he and the few troops that have managed to return engaged the rest of Corypheus’ followers.

Tessa was frightened not only for herself and for the Inquisition, but she was also frightened for him and his safety. She knew he was strong enough to carry on without her, and she knew she could carry on without him. That didn’t mean either of them wanted to. It was Tessa’s worst fear.

She tried to think of something comforting to say, but the only thing she could think of was a bad joke about luck.

Tessa refused to go anywhere outside Skyhold without the little coin now and she never took the necklace off.

“There’s nothing to worry about. I have luck on my side, remember?” she finally managed to say, stepping closer to him.

Cullen let out a weak laugh. “That’s less comforting than I’d hoped.”

He pulled her close and wrapped his arms around her, burying his face into where her neck met her shoulder. Tessa rested her head against the fur of his cloak and she breathed in heavily, letting Cullen’s familiar scent surround her.

“Whatever happens, you will come back,” he whispered, almost pleading.

Tessa didn’t want him to worry too much for her. She couldn’t bear the idea that she caused him to worry this much. He was always the solid, steadfast reassurance she needed when being Inquisitor seemed too much at times. It almost frightened her to see him actually scared for her. “I certainly hope so.”

“The thought of losing you…” he trailed off, pulling her even closer, if possible. “I can’t.”

Tessa’s heart dropped at his words and she tightened her own hold.

“You won’t lose me.”

They both knew everything was uncertain, but they allowed themselves this.


	63. Maker, we're alive

Cullen watched in horror from the battlefield as the sky was closed once again.

He was horrified because he knew Tessa was up on one of the large floating remains of Haven that was now falling from the sky. He and his men were defending Skyhold from the remaining Venatori troops while the Inquisitor and her companions raced away to deal with Corypheus.

She had stopped and turned to look at him and she gave him a smile before mouthing the words, ‘I love you’ to him.

Then she was gone.

Cullen was left to defend Skyhold for three whole days, stopping wave after wave of Venatori attacks. Fortunately, Skyhold was able to withstand whatever the enemy threw at them, thanks to the upgrades Tessa had made to the keep.

The ground trembled when the pieces of Haven started to collide with the earth and Cullen was glad Skyhold was a good distance away.

The last piece fell and an eerie silence fell over everyone as they stared.

No one could survive that. Cullen knew they were all thinking it and he couldn’t help but accept the fact as well.

The sky was closed once more and bright lights scattered across the stars, giving off a peaceful glow that didn’t fit the situation at all.

Cullen knew that he couldn’t stand around and let everyone become idle. They had to be prepared for anything and Cullen wasn’t going to let them be caught off guard. He immediately set up a patrol to accompany him to see if anyone survived. 

He tried to not to let himself feel anything, using all of his Templar training to focus on the task at hand instead of focusing on how his heart was shattering more and more as every second without Tessa went by. The world around him started to feel dull and colorless knowing she may not be in it anymore. 

The ride to the battlefield seemed longer than usual and they started to see the large chunks of debris almost immediately.

Cullen hadn’t felt this exhausted in a long time, but he pushed himself and his men forward. The soldiers knew to stay quiet and just do as he said. They did their jobs quickly and didn’t complain. They were probably just as worried. Tessa was loved by all of them, after all.

The second day was worse than the first. Cullen’s hopes were dropping with every step Phillip took toward the Temple of Sacred Ashes.

They stopped to camp that night and Cullen was giving the men Leliana sent with him instructions. “We should scout these areas first before moving in. We don’t know if more Venatori are hiding nearby.”

Pepper whined beside him, pawing at his leg.

The mabari had proved herself again and again during this last battle fighting next to Cullen’s side and Cullen was happy that she was there now. Mabari couldn’t talk, and that was the last thing Cullen wanted to do. She was a silent comfort he desperately needed at the moment. That was what Tessa was for him usually. The dog finally just leaned against him as he idly scratched around her ears.

He kept wondering if he was allowed to think this was over. It had to have been, the sky was re-sealed. Corypheus couldn’t have won. Tessa had to have defeated him. What else could the blinding white light have been?

Cullen finally finished giving orders and Pepper and Jim started to try to get his attention. Pepper was whining frantically and pawing at his shin and Jim tapped his shoulder.

“What?!” he snapped at them both.

Pepper barked, looking toward a path in the trees leading to the Temple and Jim was pointing. “Ser, look,” the boy mumbled, eyes wide. Pepper started to wiggle around excitedly with a big dog grin on her face.

Whispers of awe and shouts of joy and victory suddenly started to ring out among the soldiers and Cullen finally looked toward the path.

His jaw slowly dropped and his heart started to piece itself back together when he saw the Inquisitor herself riding into the camp with the rest of her party behind her. The world became sharp and full of color again as Cullen stared at her.

She and everyone in her party looked worse for wear, but they were alive.

Before anyone could say anything, Cullen broke out in a sprint toward her. Propriety, duty, and anything else be damned. His throat closed up and his heart started to swell as he got closer and closer to her.

A beaming smile appeared on her face when she saw him and she almost fell off of Clover she was trying to get off so fast. Tessa basically leaped into his open arms when he was close enough.

Cullen crushed her in his embrace, burying his face into her hair, laughing in disbelief. He could smell the familiar smell of battle, but he could still smell her unique scent behind all of that. Her hair and face was covered in grime and he knew she probably thought she looked horrible, but he didn’t care. He was probably no better.

“You’re alive,” he kept whispering over and over again as he started to press kisses wherever he could.

Tessa finally pulled away enough to grab his cheeks and press a kiss to his lips. “We’re both alive,” she whispered back, not even trying to hold back the happy tears trailing down her cheeks.

Maker, they were alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish Bioware would have made a mission like they did in Mass Effect 2. I wished we could have been Cullen, Leliana or someone like that and defending Skyhold while the Inquisitor goes off to face Corypheus. I feel it's more realistic.


	64. The Cousland Stink Eye

“I’m sorry, Inquisitor. I still have found nothing.”

Tessa stared down at the report in her hands. Leliana had found her in Solas’ area in the rotunda and both women were still baffled by the disappearance of the apostate. Solas seemed to have vanished into thin air, and Tessa knew he was probably good at doing that, considering his past. He seemed sad when he held the broken orb after the battle with Corypheus, and that was the last she saw of him. 

“It’s alright, Leliana, he probably knows how to hide after all.”

“No, it is not alright. I will find him,” the Spymaster grumbled, crossing her arms.

Both women stared up at the murals Solas had painted onto the walls. Tessa still couldn’t believe how beautiful they were. She could hardly draw a stick figure correctly.

“Let’s talk about something else,” Tessa sighed, collapsing in the chair Solas used to sit in.

Leliana leaned back against the table with a hum of thought. “Yes, it’s been a while since we just talked.”

Tessa crossed her legs and stared up at the tall ceiling above them. “Have you heard anything from the Hero of Ferelden or Hawke?”

“I have had no word from Hawke, but I did get an ecstatic letter from King Alistair the other day.”

“Ecstatic?”

Leliana smiled with a small laugh. “Oh yes. Then again, he was always ecstatic when Eryn was involved.”

“Then she’s returned?”

“Yes, and I believe the Ferelden nobility have told Josie they will be here before you meet with the Orlesians.”

Tessa was almost jumpy from the excitement. She might finally get to meet the Hero of Ferelden! _Calm down Tess, what are you? A child?_

“I wonder how she will react to you and Cullen. We used to make bets on how big his scowl would be when we went to the Circle,” Leliana mused. “I can guarantee you that she will shout a curse word and refuse to believe he’s with a mage.”

Tessa bit her lip, wondering how to phrase her next question. “Leliana?”

“Yes?”

“You--” Tessa huffed and ran her fingers through her hair, wondering if what she was about to ask was a good idea. “You were in the tower...when it was taken over, right? With Eryn Cousland?”

Leliana gave her a hard stare for many moments. Tessa learned that this certain stare wasn’t meant to intimidate in any sort of way after working with the spymaster for so long. “Yes, I was,” she finally answered.

“Cullen told me what happened to him…” Tessa trailed off. She always wondered what Leliana thought about that whole situation. Leliana had to have seen Cullen at some point and she never asked Cullen if he ever talked to Leliana about it. 

“I wondered if he told you everything about that. I would rather not remember it myself. I had nightmares and we were only in there for six hours. Apparently, the rebellion was going on for a week before we got there. Eryn refused to let the mages suffer their fate. And we tried to save as many Templars as we could too. When we reached the hallway before the Harrowing chamber…” Leliana sighed and looked toward the ceiling as well. “Cullen and I decided to never speak of it.”

The two women sat in a tense silence for a moment. 

“Did he tell you what he asked Eryn to do?”

Tessa looked up at her, letting out a long sigh. “Yes, he did.”

“What do you think about it?”

To be honest, Tessa still didn’t know what to think. Cullen just didn’t seem like the type of man who would suggest such a thing. But, he had been tortured for a week when he made that suggestion. “I was surprised yet not at the same time. He had just been tortured by a desire demon after all. I don’t know how I would act in that situation.”

Leliana’s eyes widened. “A desire demon?”

Oh no, Tessa thought that it must have been obvious to everyone involved, but apparently it wasn’t. “Yes, and I can’t tell you more than that.”

Leliana nodded in understanding. “I suppose it all makes sense now. We thought the blood mages just taunted him. We didn’t know a demon was involved. Eryn would feel horrible if she knew this.”

“Why is that?”

Leliana barked out a laugh. “Let’s just say she didn’t take the request he made too well. They didn’t like each other that much when we visited afterwards either. She always gave him the Cousland Stink Eye whenever we saw him.”

Tessa couldn’t help but ask. “The Cousland Stink Eye?”

“Oh yes, Eryn has a very impressive glare. She just had to look at some people with that look to make them do what she wanted. She hardly gave Alistair or her dog that look. They were her boys.”

Soon, the events at Ferelden’s Circle was left behind and Leliana was now talking more about her part in fighting against the darkspawn than she ever had before. 

“And you can only imagine how we reacted when she announced that she was going to rule by Alistair’s side! It wasn’t a surprise for us, we knew it would take more than a Landsmeet to tear them apart. She had tricked Arl Eamon and Anora into thinking she was going to have Anora rule, I taught her well.”

Tessa couldn’t help but giggle. “That’s some engagement announcement.”

Leliana suddenly smirked and leaned closer to Tessa. “By the way, Josie and I have been wondering when you and the Commander will finally be announcing something. Surely you’ve thought about it?”

Tessa felt her cheeks heat up and she started to pull on the ends of her hair. “Well, we’ve talked about it...I don’t know if he’s planning on asking soon or not.”

The Spymaster only smiled. “Well, as long as you’ve talked about it. We’re all anticipating it after all.”

“Are we really that bad?” Tessa asked with a smile.

Leliana gave her a rare warm smile. “It’s how you look at each other,” she paused and her smile grew reminiscent, “It reminds me of good times, and I’m happy you both found something good in all of this.”

“Are you talking about how they look at each other? It makes me want to vomit,” Dorian called down from the library. 

Tessa stuck her tongue up at Dorian when he leaned over the railing to look down at them below. 

“How grown up of you. When’s the wedding supposed to be? I refuse to return to Tevinter until there is one.”

“Oh, don’t even. You’re staying because of Bull.”

“That too, but we’re not talking about me at the moment.”

Tessa shared an amused look with Leliana.

The Inquisitor couldn’t believe how lucky she truly was.

She was in love with a wonderful man and she had many friends surrounding her and everything seemed to be looking up for once.


	65. The Hero of Ferelden

To be frank, Cullen didn’t quite know how to feel about the King and Queen of Ferelden coming to Skyhold. 

He and the Hero were not exactly on good terms during the Blight and he had a feeling he would see her familiar glare as soon as she saw him.

Tessa instantly knew something was wrong. They were getting ready, forcing themselves into outfits Josephine and Leliana picked out for them. Tessa was able to wear something similar to what she wore to the Winter Palace, only the fabric was a dark brown and the blouse underneath her coat was a cream color. The green on the inside of her coat suited her, he discovered. He wished she would wear the color more often. 

He, on the other hand, had to wear a fancy navy blue coat with his least favorite thing, sashes. 

Tessa was helping him tie one of the blighted sashes when she finally said something. “You’re tense,” she commented, adjusting the sash over his shoulder. 

“I hate fancy coats.”

She snorted, giving him an amused grin before tugging on his earlobe. “Why are you actually tense?”

Rubbing the back of his neck, the Commander grumbled a little before finally answering. “The Queen and I didn’t exactly get along during the Blight. I don’t know how she will react to seeing me again.”

Tessa hummed in thought, reaching up and wrapping her arms loosely around his neck. “Leliana told me as much. I’m sure you both can manage to be civil. It’s been a decade after all. Besides, Josie, King Alistair, and I will be there. I’m sure the three of us can keep you two under control.” She winked playfully after the last comment.

Cullen wrapped his arms around her waist. “How comforting to know that I’ll be kept under control.”

Tessa shook her head before standing up on the tips of her toes and pressing a light kiss to his lips. “You do get a little grouchy sometimes, love.”

“I do not!”

“You just grumped at me!”

Cullen huffed and tried to pull away, but she wouldn’t let him. “I’ll show you grump-”

The Inquisitor pressed her lips against his again and Cullen couldn’t help but relax into the kiss. They finally pulled away from each other and she beamed up at him. “You look handsome, by the way. I like blue on you.”

Pepper let out a woof as if to agree. 

Cullen glanced down at the mabari. “I expect you to come to my defense if the Queen sics her mabari on me...again.”

Tessa’s eyes widened and she looked at him incredulously. “She didn’t.”

Pepper let out a whine, cocking her head as if to ask the same question.

Cullen rubbed the back of his neck. “I may or may not have deserved it at the time.”

Tessa finally stepped away from him with a laugh. “Well, then we absolutely have to bring Pepper now. We can’t have that happening.”

The couple finally made their way down to the main hall, where Josephine was waiting for them. “Oh thank goodness, you’re both ready. We need to wait toward the front for when they arrive. The letter they sent to Leliana said they-”

“They wanted to speak with us about the Grey Wardens before taking supper with us and then retire for the night,” Tessa finished, giving Josephine a kind grin. 

Cullen almost rolled his eyes. This had to be the tenth time Josephine told them how this day was going to go.

Tessa pulled on his arm until they were standing at the little landing on the stairs. Leliana was already waiting for them and she grinned when they approached. 

“This will be a bittersweet reunion I’m sure,” Leliana said sweetly, giving Cullen a teasing smirk. 

Cullen frowned and focused on Tessa instead. He found himself doing that more and more when he was upset. He would just think about her or look at her and he would find himself relaxing. He stared at how the sun reflected off her hair, causing it to look more blonde. She had left most of it down and had half of it pulled back. Maker, she was beautiful. 

“You’re as bad as Alistair,” Leliana chuckled, giving him a knowing look.

Cullen frowned at her again as Tessa looked between them in confusion. 

The horn suddenly sounded and Cullen’s frown only grew. Pepper leaned against him and then Tessa pinched his arm before holding her hands behind her back, stepping into her role as Inquisitor. Pepper nudged him with her nose again and he couldn’t help but look down at the dog fondly. He clasped his own hands behind his back and he was forced himself to relax as the carriage came through the gate of Skyhold.

Josephine finally arrived. “I believe they brought their son as well. I hope you all don’t mind toddlers and remember, you cannot react if he becomes difficult.”

Tessa snorted. “Josie, I believe everyone here has had an awkward moment with a child before. We’ll be fine.”

Leliana nodded in agreement. “Besides, Eryn told me that he is the sweetest child in her letter. I do not believe that will be a problem.”

“Every mother thinks their child is sweet,” Cullen muttered under his breath. Tessa shook her head with an amused grin before pinching his arm. 

“I expect you to be nice throughout all of this, Commander,” she teased with a wink, “We wouldn’t want them to think you were a grump or anything.”

“Too late,” Leliana laughed.

The King and Queen finally started to make their way up toward the keep and Cullen studied the Queen. Eryn Cousland-Theirin did not change too much since he last saw her. She was as short and stocky as ever and she moved with the grace only a rogue could achieve. Her light brown hair was longer, or at least he assumed so, since it was pulled back in what looked like a complicated bun on the back of her head. Her mabari, Bear, was right on her heels. It wasn't a surprise to see her wearing a uniform similar to the king's either.

King Alistair, meanwhile, looked almost the same as when they last saw him and he had their almost two year old son perched on his hip as they made their way up the stairs. 

It was obvious the boy was the King’s son. The bright, almost strawberry blonde hair gave that away immediately.

“He’s so adorable,” Tessa cooed with Leliana, who had apparently said something similar. 

“Perhaps our Commander should pick up the pace and marry you so you can have some of your own,” Leliana teased.

Cullen scowled at the former bard. He was planning on it! He had even given Harritt a design for a ring the other day. 

Tessa rolled her eyes, blushing a little. “Quit it. I know you’re trying to make him grumpy on purpose.”

Thank the Maker for his beautiful woman. 

Tessa immediately became business-like again when the King and Queen were finally at the last flight of stairs. 

King Alistair bowed as best he could while holding a child and Queen Eryn curtsied. “Inquisitor Trevelyan. A pleasure to meet you again,” King Alistair greeted, hitching his son up higher on his hip. “And I would love to do the honor of introducing my wife, Queen Eryn.”

“It’s an honor meeting you, Inquisitor. I have heard much about you from Leliana,” Queen Eryn said, giving the Inquisitor a broad smile. The Queen’s voice was just as mellow and rough as Cullen remembered, but it had a soft undertone to it that definitely came from Highever.

“King Alistair, it’s a pleasure to have you visit again. And it’s an honor to finally meet you, Queen Eryn,” Tessa replied with a big smile. Cullen knew how excited she was to meet the Queen of Ferelden and he couldn’t help but grin. 

Both of the mabari were sniffing each other and regarding each other carefully. Cullen was amazed that the Hero’s dog was still alive. Most of his face was almost white now from age, but he still looked as strong and dangerous as before. Pepper obviously knew this dog was older than her and she was being cautious with her study of him.

The King was looking around desperately and Cullen realized that the man probably wanted to drop all the formalities quickly. 

“Shall we continue this in the war room? I believe you wanted to discuss something with us,” he said, gesturing to the stairs behind them.

King Alistair looked relieved and immediately started to make his way up the steps behind Josephine. 

“If you say so, Sullen.”

Cullen grit his teeth, remembering the nickname the Hero gave him all those years ago. “Good to see you too, my Lady,” he grumbled in response, holding out his arm for Tessa.

Tessa gave him a kind grin. “I don’t think you’re sullen.” She nodded her head respectfully toward the Queen, but he could see the warning look in her eye as she did so.

Maker, he wanted to kiss her then and there.

“Wait, you weren’t joking?” he heard Eryn whisper to Leliana.

“No, they’re together.”

“A mage?!”

“Yes.”

A long silence followed before Eryn loudly cursed, “Holy shit.”

Tessa, to Cullen’s confusion, only laughed. She looked at her Spymaster over her shoulder. “You told me, didn’t you?”

“I did,” Leliana responded, sounding amused.

They all finally reached the war room and only then did Alistair set the toddler down. “There isn’t anything he can-”

“We have removed anything that could be dangerous,” Tessa answered, waggling her fingers at the boy. The young prince shyly hid behind his father’s leg, only peeking out to glance at the Inquisitor momentarily. 

The members of the Inquisition moved to one side of the table while the monarchs stood at the other. Eryn looked like she just swallowed a frog as she stared at him and Tessa. 

“Alright, can we drop all formalities from now on? The matter we wish to discuss is about the Grey Wardens and we want to be regarded as such for this,” Alistair immediately said, clasping his hands behind his back. 

Cullen didn’t understand how people said Alistair was a bad king. Yes, he lacked the pompous air that most monarchs had, but that made him a better leader in Cullen’s opinion. He knew what it meant to be a common person and Cullen appreciated that about the man.

“As you wish, your-” Josephine stopped before she could slip up.

“In that case, call me Tessa. What would you like to discuss regarding the Wardens?” Tessa asked, immediately getting to business.

“We understand that you conscripted them and are letting them reform under your supervision. What do you mean to do with them now?” Eryn asked, narrowing her wide grey-blue eyes. A coo from the toddler had the Queen bending down and picking up her son. 

The little boy clung to his mother and Cullen could see how he was Eryn’s son now as well. Their eyes were exactly the same.

Tessa nodded, leaning her hands on the war table. “We understand your concern. As you probably know, they were corrupted by Corypheus and we had to take the proper measures to ensure they didn’t fall under his control again. We hope they can rebuild and repair the damage this has done and we are fully willing to support them.”

The couple across from them shared a look before relaxing a little. “Good, we can’t have the Grey Warden’s disbanding. They’re needed and are essential to stopping the Blight,” Eryn said, looking relieved. She took a deep breath before continuing. “We also wanted to speak to you about why I was absent for two years.”

All of the Inquisition members perked up at the Hero’s confession. Leliana looked the most intrigued. “Oh? Now you want to tell me?” the red headed woman replied.

Cullen stiffened. A sarcastic Leliana usually meant an upset Leliana. Cullen also frowned when he did the math in his head. Eryn had to have disappeared right after the prince was born. He saw Tessa frown a little too. Cullen had discovered that she had a soft spot for children and she was probably wondering how someone could leave their child behind.

Eryn’s face fell at the spymaster’s comment. “Believe me Lel. I wanted to tell you, but I couldn’t risk it. I’m sure you understand.”

Leliana’s lip curled, but she didn’t say anything else. 

“Why did you leave?” Tessa asked, bringing the conversation back on track.

“I’m sure you’re all aware of the Calling now, since that was how Corypheus used the Wardens. I hate to say that it all could have been avoided.”

Cullen thought about the battle at Adamant and hot anger rushed through him. “You mean we wasted our soldiers’ lives for nothing?”

Eryn’s blue eyes flashed in irritation for a moment before she deflated. Tessa reached for his hand under the table and gave it a light squeeze. 

“I left because I discovered that there might be a cure for the taint in Grey Wardens, and I found it.”

Cullen didn’t know what to think. His mind went blank with shock. A cure? For the Blight? It was impossible. Yet, neither of the former Grey Wardens across from him looked like they were joking. 

“How did you know you found it?” Leliana asked, looking suspicious. 

Tessa, meanwhile, remained silent, but she studied the Wardens closely. It was the same face she used when she passed judgement on people.

“We started to feel the Calling long before Corypheus. That was when Eryn decided to go out and look for the cure we have only heard legends about. We didn’t want to leave our son when we just-” Alistair stopped speaking and Cullen saw his throat bob heavily. 

Eryn set their son down on the war table, grabbing some extra markers that were not being used and letting him play with them. “I had to be careful with my search. I wasn’t the only one looking for the cure and they weren’t willing to share. It got to the point to where the only person I could contact was Alistair,” she explained. 

Tessa’s brow pinched a little as she nodded, drumming her fingernails on top of the war table for a moment. “And did it work?” she finally asked, giving the Wardens an even stare. 

“Neither of us hear the Calling now. We don’t even have the nightmares from the taint,” Eryn answered, face lifting a little. 

“Interesting...and what do you hope to achieve by telling us this information?” 

Cullen felt Tessa knew, but she had the tendency to make people confirm what she believed. 

“We want to help the Grey Wardens that are old enough to hear the Calling. We believe we heard it so soon because we joined the order around the time of the Blight,” Alistair explained. 

“And since the Inquisition has the resources and the connections needed to possibly get this cure to the Wardens, we decided it would be best to come to you,” Eryn continued. 

Cullen thought about what was just suggested. If there was a cure, this could help the Wardens maintain their numbers more efficiently and it could save lives. But, it could involve something that was dangerous, since the Queen was targeted.

Tessa didn’t look convinced either and he knew she was probably thinking along the same lines. “We will have to discuss if after we learn more information about the cure, of course. I don’t want the Inquisition to support something dangerous or-”

“We have all the information right here,” Eryn interrupted, glancing toward her husband. 

Alistair pulled a scroll out of the inside of his coat and he held it out toward the Inquisitor. Cullen and the other advisors looked over her shoulder as she read. There were many things concerning magic on it, but Cullen couldn’t see any instructions calling for blood magic or anything of that sort. 

Leliana suddenly scowled. “This has to do with him, doesn’t it?!” she accused, narrowing her eyes at Eryn. 

Eryn scowled back. “Yes, I started with him. Then I continued my search from there. Don’t give me that look.”

Leliana huffed and looked back at the scroll. Cullen hoped the Spymaster would explain what that was about when the monarchs weren’t in the room. Tessa arched a brow at her and Leliana nodded, confirming that she would explain. 

Tessa finally rolled up the scroll, holding it out to the Wardens. “Since you were willing to trust us with this, I trust you can keep it safe while you’re here. I will have to make you promise to let us look at it at any point we wish while we make our decision.”

“Of course,” Alistair answered, taking it from her. 

The Inquisitor let out a deep sigh before looking at her advisers. “Now that’s out of the way, would you like to join us for dinner?”

Soon, Cullen found himself seated next to Tessa at one of the long tables in the great hall. The Inquisitor sat at the head of it while her Commander sat to her right and the King and Queen to her left. The young toddler had a box on his own seat and he sat next to his mother. 

While it was abnormal for a royal couple to do this, Cullen just accepted this. The boy was actually quiet and he ate the bits of food that were cut for him without complaint. He would occasionally tug on Eryn’s sleeve to try to get her to look at him and he always beamed up at her when she did. 

Cullen saw Tessa smile whenever this happened. “How old is he exactly?” she asked, breaking the awkward silence that was happening between Leliana and Eryn. 

Alistair perked up immediately. “He’s two years and one month!”

“And he’s already speaking full sentences. He’s dreadfully shy though,” Eryn explained, ruffling the two year old’s hair. “Aren’t ya, Pup?”

Bryce Duncan Theirin beamed up at his mother happily and then looked at Tessa before ducking behind his mother. 

“So, Sullen, how did you and the Lady Inquisitor happen? Or is Leliana pulling my leg about all of that?” Eryn suddenly asked, smirking at Cullen. 

Cullen frowned at her. “I’m starting to think that you actually enjoy tormenting me, Queen Eryn,” he growled. 

“Of course I do, you know that.”

“Dear, you enjoy tormenting anyone,” Alistair said simply, “You even tormented Sten, which I still think was a bad idea.”

“He warmed up to me eventually!”

“Only because you found his blighted sword!”

“Well it worked, didn’t it?”

Leliana groaned next to Cullen, burying her face in her hands. “I swear he almost killed you a few times, Eryn. You need to learn when to-”

“Keep my mouth shut? I know when to, I just wasn’t scared of him.”

Everyone at the table stared at her incredulously. Cullen assumed they were talking about the qunari that had traveled with them. And he assumed this qunari was nothing like Iron Bull.

“That works with qunari. They respect that,” Tessa calmly said, grinning a little.

Eryn looked at the Inquisitor. “Thank you! I heard you travel with one yourself?”

And then conversation continued from there. Cullen could immediately tell that more visits from the Ferelden monarchs were going to happen just from how they were getting along with Tessa. 

Dinner finally ended and Cullen was surprised to feel a soft tug on his sleeve as he started to follow Tessa to their chambers. 

His mood considerably dropped when he saw that it was Eryn. “Come on, I want to talk to you for a moment,” she practically ordered. She set Bryce down and held his hand as they started to walk toward the war room. 

Cullen looked at Tessa and shrugged. She gave him a reassuring grin before walking away. 

The Commander made his way to the war room and he closed the door behind him and the Queen. He instantly crossed his arms. “Did you pull me back here to tell me I am a stupid arse again or is it something else?”

Eryn, to his surprise, actually looked sad. “I actually wanted to apologize to you. I’ve had a long time to think about your position in everything that happened and I was so wrapped up in my own problems I hardly considered anyone else’s. And,” she paused and grabbed the extra makers Bryce was playing with earlier and gave them to the toddler. 

“Thank you!” Bryce then crawled under the war table to play. 

“And, I also wanted to really know what changed your mind about mages enough to be with one. You can’t blame me and Ali for being curious.” The Queen crossed her arms and cocked her hip in the way Cullen remembered. “So, I am sorry about being so rude to you then. I still have no idea what the mages did to you during the rebellion and I didn’t even bother to ask.”

“You’re right, you didn’t,” Cullen grumbled, giving her an even stare. “I probably wouldn’t have told you anyway, since I had a desire demon torture me and all.”

The shocked look on Eryn’s face was worth the embarrassment of actually admitting it to her. He remembered all the times he simply wanted to shout it at her in the past but was too afraid of what others would think...of what Solona would think. She had survived the entire ordeal and Cullen could hardly look at her afterwards.

“Fuck shit damn bitch, Cullen! Why didn’t you just-shit,” she cursed, pacing in front of him. 

Cullen sighed, stepping forward to rest a hand on her shoulder. He wasn’t getting as much satisfaction from this as he thought he would. “Eryn, we were young and stupid. And to answer your second question, I was in Kirkwall. I saw how wrong I was about everything. And, frankly, Tessa has nothing I fear of magic in her.”

Eryn’s brows furrowed as she studied him for many moments before letting out a sigh. “Shit, I feel horrible still, and I’m glad you’re happy now at least. I know I am.”

“Let’s just agree that we were both ‘sullen’ and move on, yes?” he suggested, gesturing toward the door. 

Eryn smirked up at him. “Sure thing, Commander,” she bent over and looked at her son underneath the table, who was still playing. “Come along, Pup. Papa’s waiting for us.”

Bryce beamed at her and crawled out from under the table, leaping into the Queen’s arms.

Cullen opened the door for her and followed her out of the room. 

He almost didn’t know what to think. 

For once, he and the Queen weren’t stomping away from each other in anger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I really didn't know what to think about 'the Cure' the Hero was trying to find in DA:I. I mostly think it's just an explanation for why the Hero couldn't help the Inquisition, which I think they could have done because the Grey Warden incident, but whatever. And I desperately wanted to write Eryn and Alistair's baby so I just did it.


	66. Because...positions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW

“If Josie makes me sit through one more party, I think I’ll retch,” Tessa groaned, flopping back onto the bed.

“Please don’t,” Cullen grumbled, rolling his eyes as he started to unbutton the fancy war coat Vivienne and Josephine managed to stuff him in.

It had been three weeks since Corypheus had finally been defeated and the Inquisition had done nothing but celebrate and plan since then.

Things were only looking hopeful for Thedas now that the threat was gone. Cassandra was going to be named the new Divine and the Chantry was finally pulling itself together once more and the Inquisition finally had its full support. 

The Templars and the Circles were reestablished and Cassandra was beginning to make the changes needed for true peace. The Templars no longer had the leash of lyrium and many of them were already attempting to break their own addictions with Cullen keeping close watch over them.

Cassandra-or Divine Victoria-had even been asking Tessa and Cullen for their opinions on what to change in the Circle. 

The Grey Wardens were rebuilding and their own order was changing with the times and the threat of corruption has passed. Tessa and her advisers had decided that using the cure the Theirins had found would be for the best and the Inquisition finally was able to have true connections with Ferelden. Tessa had finally been able to meet the Hero of Ferelden as well and she couldn’t have been happier to discover they could be friends…eventually. 

Eryn Theirin was as straightforward and blunt as the tales have claimed and she reminded her of Cassandra in more ways than one. 

The Chantry and other matters were the last things on Tessa’s mind at the moment.

She was more focused on the handsome Commander undressing in front of her. There was nothing sensual about it. He was just getting ready for bed after another long celebration, but Tessa found herself growing hot and biting her lip despite that.

Leaders from all over Thedas were flocking to Skyhold and Tessa had the ‘joy’ of entertaining the Empress and all of her allies that night. The thing that made the whole night bearable was seeing how every man and woman who had flirted with Cullen at the Winter Palace seemed to deflate when they saw her on his arm.

Tessa wouldn’t call herself a jealous person, but seeing the flock of women around him at the ball months ago almost made her lose her composure then.

Who could blame her? Tessa was lying on the bed, still in her fancy dress, watching her handsome lover toss his shirt aside and she couldn’t have been happier.

He finally noticed her smug grin and he crossed his arms as he looked at her. “Yes, my lady?”

“Do you know how handsome you are?” she asked, stretching her arms above her head on the mattress. She knew the action caused her bosom to stick out more and it had the desired effect. Cullen’s warm, amber eyes were now gazing at her in a way that made her melt inside.

“From what you’ve told me in the past, I would say ridiculously,” he joked, stepping closer to the bed.

He leaned against one of the posts, smirking down at her.

Tessa grinned cheekily up at him. She couldn’t seem to stop smiling when they were alone now. His withdrawal was slowly becoming less and less painful and she could tell just by looking at him. There were even days when he didn’t have muscle pain or headaches at all. He looked truly happy and she was only basking in the glow. 

She reached up and pulled him down to her, pressing a deep kiss to his lips. He let out the groan she loved when she buried her fingers in his hair. 

Soon, she was laughing as he rolled them so she was lying on top of him as the kiss became more passionate. His fingers started to work at the little buttons on the back of her dress, but Tessa was feeling impatient at the moment.

She pinned his hands to the mattress next to his head, causing his eyes to momentarily widen before they turned darker with want. “Can the great Commander follow some orders?” she asked huskily, leaning forward so their faces were inches apart. Her hair started to fall like a thick curtain around their faces.

He barely nodded and Tessa sat up straight again, straddling his hips as she hiked up the skirt of her dress.

“You will keep your hands right where they are, Commander. You are not to move either.”

She saw his throat bob as he gulped heavily and nodded again.

Tessa honestly loved this new development. Who would have thought that Sera would actually be right about something concerning their sex life? The elf had joked about Tessa bossing the Commander around in bed a couple days ago and the idea had never left Tessa’s brain since then. The Inquisitor was having trouble focusing around Cullen because she was imagining all the ways she could be...assertive in the bedroom.

She rolled her hips and was satisfied to feel how much he seemed to enjoy the idea as well. Cullen hissed at the feeling of her sex grinding against his, but there was just too much fabric separating them at the moment for the friction to have full effect.

Tessa fixed that by pulling out his almost-hard cock from his pants, working her fingers along his length. She felt his hips twitch, but he was following her orders to the ‘t’ otherwise. She leaned forward and slowly kissed her way down his chest as she crawled off the bed so she was on her knees between his legs.

“Remember your orders, Commander,” she reminded, tightening her grip slightly.

His eyes were dark pools of desire as he stared down at her and nodded, letting a small groan past his lips when she finally wrapped her lips around the head of his cock.

Tessa honestly didn’t know why women didn’t enjoy doing this for their lovers. The noises that escaped from Cullen when she used her mouth on him was exciting in itself. She also felt proud of herself when she could pleasure him. She—who was awkward, inexperienced, and had the romantic finesse of a horse—could cause a man of his caliber to react this way.

Cullen was now letting out long, airy moans as she took more of him in her mouth and Tessa let out a soft moan herself at the sound. That sound he made was going to be her undoing someday. She continued her ministrations and her resolve broke when he whispered, “Oh Maker.”

She stood up, causing him to look up at her questioningly, and she reached underneath the skirts of her dress and pulled her smallclothes down her legs slowly. He let out a small whine when she tossed them to the side and leaned over him. He had managed to get a few of the buttons undone earlier, causing the bodice of her dress to sag and she could only imagine what he was seeing.

“Do you want me, Commander?”

Cullen bit his lip as his eyes roamed everywhere and Tessa could see his fingers clench at his sides. “Yes,” he whispered.

Tessa climbed up onto the bed again, hovering over him on all fours. “I didn’t quite hear you.”

To be honest, Tessa didn’t know where her boldness was coming from, but she was sure Cullen didn’t mind. She knew she didn’t.

“Yes, Inquisitor.”

That did it.

Tessa sat up on her knees and straddled his hips again, hiking her skirts up. She started to grind against his length and the heat in her veins intensified when he let out another moan. “Do you want to touch me?” she barely managed to whimper. The head of his cock was hitting that bud just right and she was slowly losing the ability to think.

He nodded and started to beg. “Please, love. Yes, please let me touch you. Please—“

Tessa heard a whimper escape from her lips as she nodded. She squeaked in surprise and started to giggle when he reached up and flipped them so she was under him. “Did I tell you to—“

“We can play ‘Templar and Apostate’ some other time,” he growled, pressing a deep kiss to her lips as he rolled his hips against her.

Tessa honestly wanted to ask what ‘Templar and Apostate’ was, but all coherent thoughts escaped her when he thrust into her. She was incapable of any thought whatsoever when he maneuvered her legs so they were over his shoulders.

She could feel her orgasm coming quickly as he started to thrust harder. She clamped her hands down on the back of his neck and arched her back, trying to meet his thrusts.

She kept trying to say his name, but he would give an exceptionally hard thrust whenever she tried.

“Cull—Cull- Oh Maker, Cullen!” She gripped at his hair when she could feel herself reaching that edge, chanting his name now.

Her back arched even more when she finally fell over that edge, letting out a silent scream as he kept thrusting into her.

She collapsed like a rag doll, throwing her arms over her head as he slowly lowered her legs and gripped her hips. He sat up straight, lifting her hips off the bed as he started to thrust slowly. Her eyes widened when she felt his calloused thumb brush against her clit.

She let out a keening moan and clutched the sheets as heat started to pool in her stomach again. Maker, she loved it when he did this. She could see how his torso moved and how his muscles tensed as he made love to her and she could also see all the little details she just couldn’t see when they were pressed against each other. A small drop of sweat was trailing down the strong column of his throat and Tessa’s mouth went dry as she watched its descent.

The burning ache in her stomach was quickly intensifying again and Tessa could feel the tension returning to her muscles. Oh Maker, she didn’t know if she could survive coming again so soon.

Tessa threw her head back, letting out another moan as she gripped his biceps.

“Tess, look at me,” he ordered, giving a particularly hard thrust.

She forced her eyes open and she managed to meet his gaze as he started slowly roll his hips in the way that hit that special spot inside her just right.

It was almost too much. The way he was looking at her caused her heart to swell and her arousal to grow even more. The fact that both of them were still halfway dressed only fueled how she was feeling. 

She was always awestruck to see the love in his eyes when he made love to her and it always made her feel like she was lighter than air.

He started to go faster again and Tessa couldn’t hold back her moans even if she tried.

She was there. So close, so close, so…she finally fell over that edge. She could barely feel Cullen follow closely after her and when the high finally faded she swore she saw stars.

Cullen collapsed to the bed beside her and they both tried to catch their breath. Tessa's dress was barely hanging on her shoulders and the skirts were beyond hope. 

“Maker,” they both whispered at the same time.

Tessa looked over and met his gaze and she couldn’t stop the giggles that burst from her lips. Cullen laughed with her and pressed his forehead to hers. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Tessa turned on her side and pushed up to her elbow, grinning smugly down at him. “I’m glad to have found a new development tonight.”

Cullen’s brow pinched. “What?”

“Templar and Apostate? I didn’t know you had that side in you, Commander.”

A cute blush started to dust Cullen’s cheeks, which was funny considering what they just did. “Oh…that.”

“Mind telling me what you meant with that?” Tessa cooed, running her fingers up the hard line of his abdomen.

Cullen turned and also propped himself up on his elbow. Tessa tried to not focus on how the muscles in his chest and arm moved with the action. “The other Templars mentioned how they would…act out that situation with the mages they were sneaking off with. I never approved of it and I made sure those relationships were forbidden at Kirkwall. I suddenly remembered it when you were...” He trailed off and cleared his throat.

Tessa nodded, flopping back down onto the bed. She started to run her fingers down his arm. “I would have thought that you wouldn’t like that sort of thing…I mean the ‘Templar and Apostate’ thing not the me being bossy part.”

She thought that after what happened at Kinloch, he wouldn’t want to even think about being at the mercy of a mage in any way whatsoever.

“I don’t believe I would mind,” he admitted quietly.

Tessa looked up at him with wide eyes. “You wouldn’t? But I thought since—“

“I wouldn’t mind with you. I trust you,” he interrupted.

Tessa’s heart started to thud when she saw the complete sincerity in his eyes. She scooted closer to him and started to trace patterns on his chest with her fingertip. “So, what was involved with this ‘Templar and Apostate’ thing?”

Cullen puffed out a sigh, running his fingers through his hair. “Oh, it was the typical subdued Templar at the mercy of a dangerous, ravishing apostate.”

 

Humming in thought, Tessa pulled him down to her and pressed a kiss to his lips. “I would love to explore those options, but I don’t think either of us know what we’re doing there. I could probably ask Bull or Dorian how it works.”

“Andraste, NO!”

Tessa couldn’t stop giggling even if she tried.


	67. The Rutherfords

Cullen was more nervous than he probably should have been, but the nerves kept coming back no matter what he did.

He cleaned out his office—twice even—to keep his hands busy, but that didn’t help in the least. It was finally time for one of the last celebrations that were to be held at Skyhold, but this one was going to be the most stressful out of all of them.

His family was coming and to make it worse, Tessa’s family was going to be there as well.

Cullen knew his family would love the Inquisitor, but he was nervous about what her family would think of him.

The small, taunting box on his desk didn’t help either. 

He picked it up and opened it, inspecting the ring inside.

It was a simple silver band and Harritt did a perfect job crafting the metal. The band was forged to look like what Harritt called a princess cut around the diamond. When he had told Mia in his latest letter that he was planning on finally asking Tessa this question, she had suggested this certain design. Cullen wanted both of his sisters’ opinion on it before he even planned on how he was going to ask Tessa to marry him.

He knew she wouldn’t mind if he just outright asked her and not include anything romantic. She had told him that she appreciated that about him once, but he didn’t want to do that for this certain question. This was going to be the most important question he would ever ask her and he wanted it to be perfect. But, with his luck, he knew it most likely wouldn’t go perfectly.

Also, he had another problem.

Sera had sprinted in and literally left a cake on his desk before sprinting out again with a rushed explanation and a string of giggles. The elf had taken a particular liking to pranking him lately and Cullen didn’t know what to think about it. This wasn’t the first cake she had brought him either.

The cake looked normal and not tampered with in any way, but Cullen didn’t trust it. He glared down his nose, wondering what to do with it.

“Uh, Ser?”

Cullen looked to see Jim standing in the doorway. “Yes?” he asked, stuffing the box in his pocket.

“There is a group of people in the main hall searching for you, Ser.”

What group could possibly want him? “Pardon?”

“The Ambassador saw them before she gave me her messages for you and she told me to inform you right away, Ser.”

A queasy feeling suddenly formed in Cullen’s gut and he had a feeling he knew who was in this group. Cullen whistled to Pepper after thanking Jim and he quickly started to make his way across the bridge to the keep.

He opened the door to the main hall and he stood in shock when he saw all of the Rutherfords gathered near the main fireplace. Varric gave him a smug grin from his corner and Cullen glared at him.

‘Good luck, Curly’ he mouthed.

Cullen instantly recognized both of his sisters’ corkscrew, blonde curls and he stiffened when he realized that the girls clinging to Mia’s skirts were his nieces. Mia had written him an eight page letter about them once when he asked about them and he had let Tessa read it as well. The Inquisitor seemed more than tickled pink at the fact that he had nieces so he always let her see the parts of the letters concerning them. Alana, the eight-year-old, was staring at Varric with wide blue eyes while her six year old sister, Regan, stared at the throne on the other side of the hall with big amber ones.

It suddenly dawned on him that he could finally see them and get to know them. All three of his siblings and Mia’s family were staring around the room in wonder. Rosalie’s blonde curls were as wild as he remembered and Branson looked just like their father, but he had their mother’s blue eyes. 

All of the Rutherfords had curly, blonde hair except for Ricon, Mia’s husband, who had bright red hair.

The Rutherford women were chatting animatedly, asking where Cullen was.

Rosalie was easily the prettier of the two women, he had heard Mia admit it. Her small nose turned up a little at the end just like Cullen’s did and her eyes were big and doe like as they stared at the mosaics in the hall with awe. Those eyes flicked toward him for a moment before they widened even more as a beaming smile came to her lips.

“Cull!”

Before Cullen could react, his younger sister was racing toward him and throwing herself in his arms.

He almost was thrown off balance when Mia followed right after her. “We missed you so much, Cull,” Rosalie said, tightening her grip around him.

Cullen couldn’t help but smile back at his sister. Maker, he didn’t realize how much he missed her. How much he’s missed all of them. The last time he saw them was right before he was stationed at Kinloch. 

Branson gently shouldered his way through so he could hold his hand out to his brother. “About time we see you again. Blimey, I almost couldn’t believe it when Mia told us you were the Commander of the Inquisition of all things!”

He stepped away from him and he didn’t have time to dodge Mia’s small slap to his cheek. It wasn’t a full slap and it didn’t hurt in the least, but he knew that it was Mia’s form of tough love that he never could forget.

“You took years to write a single blighted letter,” she snapped, pointing her finger in his face.

Cullen sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. He would explain to Mia why he didn’t write, but he didn’t want to do that in front of their siblings and her family. “I know, and I apologize.”

Mia’s finger slowly lowered and she breathed out deeply through her nose. Her curly hair was pulled back with a simple chord and a few tendrils curled on her cheeks. She was just as he remembered when he visited them. The only differences were the crow’s feet at the corner of her eyes. Her dark brown eyes flashed in irritation for a moment before an evil smirk came to her lips.

Oh Maker.

“So, aren’t you going to introduce us to Tessa? Rose and I have been dying to meet her,” she said cheerfully.

“Don’t make me throw you in a pond like I did when we were younger,” Cullen hissed.

Rosalie giggled behind her hand. “Really Cull, you tell us so much about her in your letters. Surely you’ll introduce us?” she insisted.

“Mama?”

Cullen noticed that Alana and Regan were hiding behind their mother again and they stared up at Cullen with wide eyes.

Mia’s evil grin turned into a soft one. “Say ‘hello’ to your Uncle Cullen girls.”

Alana tilted her head, causing her big pile of blonde curls to fall into her face a little. “You’re way taller than I expected. And why do you have a mane?”

All of the adults stared at the little girl before busting out in laughter.

“He does have a mane, doesn’t he?” Mia replied, winking at Cullen.

Cullen suddenly had an idea and he immediately blamed the Inquisitor because her lighthearted playfulness was affecting him even when she wasn’t there. He shrugged off the cloak and he squatted down next to the girls. “Do you want to try it on?” he asked, holding it out.

Regan immediately snorted. “Mama says we have manes already. We don’t need it.”

Alana frowned down at her sister before taking the cloak and she managed to pull it over her shoulders with Cullen’s help.

Cullen stood up straight again while the girls marveled over the fur on the cloak. Regan was now digging her little fingers into the fur and giggling, despite what she said.

“So, where’s Tessa?” Mia asked again, evil smirk returning.

Cullen was doomed.

“I do not know where she is at the moment. She should pass through here soon,” he replied, rubbing the back of his head.

Cullen actually did not know if Tessa would be passing through here at all anytime soon, but that gave him the perfect opportunity to catch up with his family. He didn’t know how long they all sat at the tables in front of the large fireplace and he didn’t care. He listened intently as Ricon told him about how the latest harvest on his farm went and Branson got to tell him about his time as a soldier in Ferelden’s army. Rosalie, meanwhile, had stayed with Mia to help around the house and she occasionally worked with the local midwife. 

“You would think we were nobles or something with how they treated us. It was incredible,” Rosalie was saying after Cullen asked if their rooms at Skyhold were comfortable.

Branson snorted. “Come on Rose, our brother is famous now. I think we can accept a little luxury on his behalf,” he joked with a wink toward Cullen.

A loud gasp from both Alana and Regan caused everyone to look toward where the girls were playing with their toys and Pepper in the corner.

Alana stood up straight and she looked comical with the large fur mantle almost engulfing her head and her shoulders with the cloak trailing on the ground at her feet. She pointed and loudly said, “He has horns on his head!”

Cullen looked toward where the little girl was pointing and his heart skipped a beat when he saw Tessa standing next to Iron Bull at the main entrance to the hall. “You bet I do!” Iron Bull laughed, knocking his knuckles toward the base of one of his horns.

“Wow! Mama! He has real horns on his head!”

“I can see that, dear.”

Tessa was covering her mouth with her hand and Cullen could see her trying to hold back her laughter. The Commander then quickly stood up and made his way toward the Inquisitor. He might as well get this out of the way before his family could put two and two together. “Tess, this is my family.”

Her eyes widened and she looked toward all of his family members. She giggled again. “I think all the blond hair gave it away.”

Mia stood from the table and walked towards them. “Is this her?”

“Yes, this is Tessa.”

As expected, everyone loved her.

Soon, all of the women were in a group talking animatedly while Cullen stood to the side with Branson and Ricon.

“How did you convince her to like you? She’s so...” Branson’s words trailed off as he stared at the Inquisitor.

Cullen shrugged. “I don’t even know.”

His nieces, meanwhile, have taken to playing with Pepper and badgering both Varric and Iron Bull with questions and he knew that couldn’t be a good combination.

“So why do you have horns on your head?”

“I’m a Qunari.”

“The big people from the north? I heard they were scary,” Regan squeaked, looking up at the Qunari that was towering over her.

Cullen thought it was comical how the little girls’ heads barely made it to the middle of Iron Bull’s thigh.

“They might look scary, but this one’s an exception,” Varric laughed.

“Wow, thanks Shorty.”

Both of the girls giggled and Cullen couldn’t help but grin when Bull squatted down so they could touch his horns.

“We can trust him, can’t we?” Ricon asked, narrowing his eyes at the Qunari.

Cullen nodded. He remembered how protective Ricon was of Mia when they met many years ago and it seemed the man didn’t change much by the way he was glaring at Iron Bull.

“He is a valuable ally and I trust him,” he said, hoping that would stop the farmer from doing something he would regret.

“If you say so,” Ricon grumbled. He kept a close watch on his daughters anyway.

“Cullen!”

Cullen glanced back at Mia and the others, who were all beaming. Tessa mouthed ‘I’m sorry’ to him and he wondered why.

“You fixed up an entire library as a gift?! And you learned how to dance?”

Rosalie was giggling and looked tickled pink. Mia had another evil smirk on her face.

Now he knew why Tessa was sorry.

The rest of the afternoon consisted of his sisters teasing him mercilessly. He was so used to being teased by everyone else at Skyhold so it didn’t bother him too much, but he did blush a couple times.

Tessa finally had to leave to take care of some business with Josephine and she pecked his cheek before she left. Cullen stared after her with what he knew was probably a stupid look but he didn’t care.

Cullen led his family around Skyhold, showing them his office, the tavern, the armory, and any other place worth mentioning. They finally stopped in the garden, which was close to their rooms, and that was when Mia pulled him aside.

“Now, are you going to tell me why you didn’t write me for almost 10 years? I literally had to track you down in Kirkwall,” she hissed, crossing her arms.

Cullen looked out at where Alana, Regan, and Pepper were playing. Branson and Rosalie had pulled out the chess set and Ricon was watching them.

“I…wasn’t myself, Mia.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” she snapped.

Cullen rubbed the back of his neck, wondering how to explain this to her. It wasn’t like when he told Tessa. Everything just flowed out with Tessa.

But tell his big sister?

He didn’t want Mia thinking that she needed to protect him like when they were kids.

“Did you hear about what happened at Kinloch during the Blight?”

“I heard there was a mage uprising, but you told me it was nothing.”

Cullen couldn’t look at her now. He despised what he did all those years ago. “I lied.”

They stood in a tense silence, staring out at her laughing children. “What happened, Cullen?”

“To make things short; yes, there was a mage uprising, but it was much worse than I made it sound,” Cullen took a deep breath, collecting his thoughts before carefully choosing his next words, “I was tortured along with other Templars until I was the last one left. I said horrible things to the Hero of Ferelden and I also let my anger control my thoughts. That anger carried over into Kirkwall and I was ashamed…that’s why I didn’t write.”

“What did you say?”

Cullen swallowed and tried to remember that this was Mia, the sister who still claimed he was her favorite brother even after he tossed her into the lake. This was the sister who had consistently tried to contact him even after he left for the Circle. This was the sister that used any resource she could to find him in Kirkwall. He should be able to tell her easily, but it was harder than he thought.

“I tried to have her kill all the mages left in the tower. I distrusted mages without cause long after that and I let horrible things happen in Kirkwall because of it.”

They stood in a long silence again.

“I was not proud of that man, Mia, and I didn’t think I deserved contact with any of you.”

He remembered when Tessa had told him he thought he deserved nothing good and it took him until now to realize she was right. He had that certain mindset long before he tried to break his addiction.

“You daft tit, don’t you know that letting shite like that stew is the worst thing to do? Maker,” she huffed.

“But—“

“Don’t even Cullen Stanton, I know how you are. You would rather suffer alone rather than tell anyone you’re hurt. The sad thing is pride has nothing to do with it.”

Cullen stared at her, dumbfounded.

“Anyway, you didn’t tell me that the Inquisitor was that gorgeous. How did you snatch her up?”

Cullen barked out a laugh. He knew Mia was trying to change the subject and he appreciated it. “Oh please, we both know the opposite happened.”

“It’s about time women do the snatching. I had to snatch Ricon up too.”

Cullen shook his head in amusement before wrapping an arm around her shoulders. “I really am sorry, Mia.”

“Don’t be. Look at where we are now, and I have a feeling that your better half won’t let you hide from us anymore.”

“No, she won’t,” Cullen agreed. He suddenly remembered his earlier dilemma. “Mia…do you remember what I asked you in my last letter?”

“You asked me many things,” she teased with a crooked grin.

Cullen rolled his eyes and pulled the small box out of his pocket and dropped it in her hand.

Mia stared at it with wide eyes before she looked up at him. “You weren’t kidding, were you?”

“I was dead serious.”

Both of them stared at the box before Mia gingerly opened it. “Maker, it’s beautiful. She’ll love it,” Mia gasped, admiring the ring.

“I don’t know how to ask her. I want to make it special,” he mumbled. Maker, it was probably a good thing his family came a week early now.

“You said she likes the simple things, right? Just ask her.”

“Mia.”

“Well…what does she like?”

Cullen could instantly make a list. “She likes to read, go for horseback rides, and-“

“Cullen, you need to do something she doesn’t do all the time to make it special.”

“That’s why I’m asking you!”

“Ask Rose, Maker knows she’s been getting enough proposals these days.”

The protective brother that had laid dormant for many years suddenly came back with a vengeance. “What?!”

“All of the local boys have been asking for her hand. She hasn’t said yes, don’t worry. Anyway, you’re the one with the problem right now.”

The two siblings pondered it for many moments. “Oh bloody blast it, just ask around! I’m going to think on it,” Mia grumbled before stomping back over to her husband.

Cullen was doomed.

If his sister couldn’t think of anything, what was he supposed to do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These are all my headcannons in one chapter and I feel like I am Mia in real life. She's a Mama Bear and I want Bioware to show them to us so BAAAAAD


	68. Sisters

Since Cullen’s family arrived a week earlier than expected, Tessa was able to get to know them better than she would have originally. Now, she and his sisters were walking on Skyhold’s battlements while Cullen was showing his brother and brother-in-law the armory and the training grounds. Pepper and Cullen’s nieces accompanied the women and they ran ahead, giggling at the barking mabari.

“He what?!” Mia had just yelped, grinning with glee.

Tessa inwardly flinched. She knew how bad teasing from a sibling could be and Mia reminded her of Oliver, her second oldest brother, in many ways. Poor Cullen.

“He…sang to me a little before,” she said again.

Both women halted in their tracks and stared at her in shock. “But he used to sing all the time!” Rosalie exclaimed, “What do you mean he’s only sung a little?”

“Don’t you two know? Singing isn’t manly and soldier-like. He got teased about it when he sang too well at the Chantry. Bloody sisters loved him though,” Mia scoffed.

Tessa was honestly happy she had this time alone with Cullen’s sisters. It was giving her an important view into his past. “He actually sang a lullaby your mother used to sing.”

Rosalie’s eyes widened and a beaming grin came to her lips. “He remembered it? I thought he would have forgotten by now.”

Tessa remembered when Cullen sang the said lullaby to her in bed. “It was beautiful. I wish he sang more, but I think it’s embarrassing for him.”

Mia arched a brow. “Father used to sing to mother all the time as well. They always sang this song that was special for them.”

Rosalie’s expression became reminiscent. “Yes, he sang all the time. He was whistling or humming whenever he was working or just sitting still,” she paused and looked up in thought, “Wasn’t that special song the way Father proposed to Mother? It was a Honnleath tradition, I think.”

The older sister groaned. “Now I remember, yes, it was. I heard three men sing that song poorly before I finally said yes to Ricon...after I bloody ordered him to do it.”

Rosalie giggled and Tessa found herself chuckling along.

“Anyway, how did you and Cully even start? He told me you snatched him up yesterday,” Mia laughed with a wink.

A tingling heat came to Tessa’s cheeks and she started to tug on her braid. “Oh Maker, I suppose that did happen. Well, I finally just told him how I felt after having one too many awkward moments and that was that.”

“Awkward moments?” Rosalie asked, arching a brow.

Tessa cleared her throat. “Oh, I tried to flirt, but I am horrible at it. At least that’s what some of my friends told me.”

Mia barked out a laugh. “Don’t worry dear, he got the message. I could tell he was head over heels for you since he first mentioned you in his letters.”

Tessa perked up. “He mentioned me?”

Both Mia and Rosalie let out snorts of laughter that was almost identical to Cullen’s. “It all started off with, ‘The Inquisitor is so inspiring’ and all of that and I could never remember him holding anyone up to that standard. It was around the third or fourth letter when I realized that something was going on. I kept asking questions about you and his answers slowly started to become sappier before I called him out. He called you Tessa instead of ‘her worship’ or ‘Lady Inquisitor’ and that’s what gave it away.”

The Inquisitor suddenly wanted to see all of these letters. “What did he say?” she asked, tugging on her braid.

“Oh, not much. Just things like ‘She’s making me a better person’ or ‘She’s the greatest person I know’ and that sort of rubbish. I saw right through him,” Mia explained, pushing a stray curl from her face.

Tessa wished Cullen was nearby so she could give him a kiss, but beggars can’t be choosers.

“He does look happier. He sounded so miserable in his letters sometimes,” Rosalie murmured.

Mia frowned at the comment. “I know.”

“What do you mean?” Tessa asked. Cullen sounded miserable when he first started writing to his family?

“They found letters he never sent in his old quarters in Kirkwall. They sent them to me since he had them addressed already,” Mia explained. “I had to force him to confirm everything he wrote about yesterday. I think he started to use them as a journal after a while.” 

Everyone fell silent at Mia’s words. 

Both Rosalie and Mia looked at Tessa with looks of gratitude and that was when Tessa realized they had known about Cullen’s trauma and addiction and—knowing Cullen—he probably gave her more credit for his success than himself in his more recent letters. “We just want to thank you, Lady Inquisitor…we probably wouldn’t have our brother still if it wasn’t for you,” Rosalie quietly said, giving her a kind smile.

Tessa never knew what having a sister was like, and she felt she finally knew when she started to silently cry as both Mia and Rosalie hugged her.


	69. Branson

“You want me to do what?” 

“It’s perfect! She told us that she loves your voice and you don’t sing enough for her. It’s the obvious thing to do,” Mia argued, beaming down at him as she rested her hands on his desk. 

Cullen sighed, leaning back in his chair. Both Mia and Rosalie had raced into his office that morning with their plan. The plan was for Cullen to propose to Tessa the same way their father proposed to their mother. And, as much as the Commander didn’t want to admit it, it was perfect. Tessa had told him she loved hearing him sing and he knew she would appreciate something like this more than anything else. 

“Do either of you know the song then?” he asked, wiping a hand down his face as he stood. They were NOT going to plan something like this in here, where soldiers like Jim, Head Guardsman Lynn, or the Requisition Officer Jo can walk in whenever they pleased.

“Yes! And we convinced Branson to keep her distracted. Come on,” Rosalie giggled, grabbing his hand and dragging him toward the door. 

His sisters marched him toward the guest wing of the keep and Cullen soon found himself in Rosalie's room. 

“Rose, why do I feel like you’re more excited about all of this than I am?” Cullen asked, smirking down at her as he crossed his arms. 

“Because it was boring with Mia! She basically had to order Ricon to marry her, no offense. You get to do all the fun stuff.”

Mia looked livid. “Why wasn’t it fun with me? You helped plan the wedding!”

“It’s not the same!”

* * *

Meanwhile, Branson was doing his job and keeping the Inquisitor busy.

Tessa didn’t know how, but she had ended up in the sparring ring against Branson. 

The Inquisitor had spent plenty of time with the rest of Cullen’s family at this point and was finally happy to finally get to know Branson more. Branson was curious about fighting a mage and Tessa was more than happy to oblige. Being cooped up behind a desk in Skyhold these past few weeks didn’t help with her pent up energy.

They were taking a break now, leaning against the fence and watching other soldiers sparer nearby. 

“But seriously, what did you see in my prig of a brother? He’s never liked to have fun, even when we were little ankle biters.”

Tessa rolled her eyes with a grin. “It’s the hair...and the scar. I’m a weak woman for both.”

Branson pouted and patted at his own curls. Unlike Cullen, he didn’t comb them back, so they were a mass on the top of his head. Cullen’s looked exactly the same when he woke in the morning and when she would mess it up with her fingers. She was actually amazed at how similar the brothers looked to each other. Branson’s face was a little shorter than Cullen’s and his eyes were blue, but other than that they were the same. Even the eye shape was spot on.

“Looks like I need to get myself a scar then, huh? At least one girls can see.”

Tessa shrugged. “I think you will be fine. All of you Rutherfords are attractive somehow,” she joked. 

Branson barked out a laugh. “I suppose you’re right.” He glanced down at her and his bright blue eyes widened as he did a double take. “What’s that you got around your neck?”

The Inquisitor looked down and realized that she still had Cullen’s coin around her neck. She never took it off these days and actually felt strange when she didn’t wear it. She had immediately had it put on a pendent after he gave it to her so she could wear it safely around her neck and not lose it. 

She then remembered the person who gave Cullen this coin in the first place was actually standing next to her. 

“It’s your lucky coin,” she beamed, holding it up and out so he could look.

“I’ll be damned. He actually kept it,” Branson laughed in disbelief. His eyes suddenly flashed teasingly. “And he gave it to you? Maker, I didn’t take my brother for the romantic sort.”

Tessa grinned, tucking the necklace back safely under her shirt collar. “He has his moments. He gave this to me a little after we started our relationship. It means a lot to him.”

Branson grinned sadly. “It was hard on all of us when he went to the Templars. We know it wasn’t because he hated us or anything, but it was still strange not having him there.” He chuckled. “I remember when we made Rosie act like the apostate and I was the evil maleficar one time when we were practicing with him. Dad couldn’t stop laughing when he did a ‘smite’ on us.”

The solemn look on his face caused Tessa to grin and gently pinch his arm. “If it makes you feel better, he told me he felt the same way. He missed you all very much.”

“He better have. Rosie and I missed bugging the shite out of him after he left.”

Tessa couldn’t help but laugh.

She hoped her own reunion with her family would go just as smoothly.


	70. The Trevelyans

Cullen fidgeted nervously as he stood next to Tessa at the platform on the stairs to the main hall. Pepper whined and leaned against him.

“See? Even Pepper is telling you to relax.”

Her family was due to arrive at any moment now and he couldn’t stop worrying. He finally had a plan for the ring in his pocket, but he wanted to talk to her father—and grandfather, if he came—first before doing anything else.

That was why he was nervous. What if Trevelyan said no? What if he disapproved? What if what he planned severed Tessa’s already weak link with her family?

He suddenly felt Tessa twine her fingers between his and she gently bumped into him with her shoulder. “Relax,” she said, looking up at him cheekily.

“I can’t.”

The pitch of her voice lowered and became husky. “Do you need help?”

Cullen stared down at her in shock to see a coy grin on her face. He forced himself to keep his expression neutral. “No.”

She laughed and poked his stomach. “I still think you need to relax.”

“What I need, dear, is a stiff drink.”

Tessa’s nose scrunched up. “Don’t call me that.”

Cullen arched a confused brow. “What? Dear?”

“Yes, that word is ruined for me. Think really carefully.”

Madame de Fer’s face suddenly flashed through his mind. “You have full permission to punish me if I ever call you that again.”

Her expression turned coy again and Cullen rolled his eyes. “Not like that!”

“What? Last I recall, you liked having me punish you the other night.”

Cullen almost groaned. Tessa had gone against his wishes and outright asked Iron Bull about…punishment. Cullen had never thought he would appreciate being blindfolded while in bed, but it was good experience. “Tess,” he growled in warning.

The last thing he needed was a hard on.

“We can play ‘Templar and Apostate’ if you ever call me that again.”

Cullen thought about it for a moment. “Deal.”

She grinned and looked toward the main entrance of Skyhold again.

Cullen took the time to study her. He had helped her get ready, so he watched her put on this certain dress, but he still couldn’t take his eyes off her.

Then again, that was always the case, wasn’t it?

The Commander grinned as he thought about when he first met Tessa. He remembered developing a crush almost instantly and always trying to get a glimpse of her. He never would have believed they would be here. He wasn’t complaining in the least.

Tessa had left her hair loose to fall in soft curls toward the middle of her back. She was wearing a green dress with a flowery pattern at the top with a belt at the waist. Maker, she was beautiful.

“What should I call you then?” he asked.

Her wide, violet eyes settled in on him and Cullen lost his ability to think. She still had that effect on him, even now. “Hm…I actually like it when you call me Tess. No one really calls me that. Gavin does occasionally but only when he’s mad. My family likes Tessy for some reason.”

Cullen grinned and brought her hand to his lips, pressing a soft kiss to the back of it. “Then I’ll just call you Tess.”

She beamed up at him and Cullen felt as if his heart was going to break out of his chest.

A horn suddenly sounded and Cullen stiffened up again. Oh Maker, they were here. Pepper sat beside him obediently, to his surprise, instead of running off to greet the visitors like she normally did.

Two large carriages came through the gates of Skyhold and Cullen began to mentally prepare himself again. “Just be yourself. If you can dodge nobles at Halamshiral, you can handle my family,” Tessa said, giving his hand a reassuring squeeze.

“Tess,” Cullen cleared his throat. “You did tell them, didn’t you?”

“Of course I told them. Hence why I’m acting like a pretty ornament for your arm,” she joked with a wink.

Cullen wanted to berate her for saying she was just an ornament because she was obviously much more than that, but he never got the chance because the Trevelyans were on their way up the stairs to the main courtyard.

Heavy footsteps behind them warned him of Gavin’s presence. “Good luck Commander, luckily, it’s only our mother you have to worry about,” the Templar said as he straightened his coat.

Tessa elbowed her brother as soon as he stopped next to her.

Cullen looked toward the Trevelyans again and he assumed it was her parents in the lead. Bann Cedric Trevelyan was everything Tessa said he was. He was tall and broad and his dark red hair was combed back in a smooth style and he had a full beard.

“The beard’s longer than I remember,” Tessa mumbled next to him.

Lady Madelyne Trevelyan looked like an older version of Tessa with her strawberry blonde hair and willowy figure, but Cullen could tell her face was a little longer even from where he was standing.

“Jon is right behind Papa and Oliver is behind him. I’m going to assume the woman hanging off Jon’s arm is his fiancée,” Tessa mused, glancing at Gavin for confirmation.

“Yes, that would be Lady Katherine. I actually didn’t mind her when I met her. You’ll like her Tessy,” Gavin stated.

The Trevelyan children all had their mother’s fair hair and their father’s build (except for Tessa). In other words, Cullen wouldn’t stand a chance if her brothers decided they didn’t like him.

Well, maybe Gavin would help him.

Finally there was an elderly couple at the back of the line and Cullen instantly knew they were Tessa’s grandparents from the fond look on her face. Cullen honestly was not nervous about meeting Frederick and Jacklyn Trevelyan. He already held a great amount of respect for her grandfather for what he did for Tessa and for fighting lyrium withdrawal at his age. He also respected Jacklyn because he knew what she had to put up with when her husband had to go through withdrawal.

Cullen knew he was sweating and he twitched when a sudden coolness came over the area. He recognized the pull of Tessa’s energy and he gave her a deadpan look.

She actually looked sheepish. “What?”

“Stop it. I don’t want them asking why you have a cooling spell going,” Cullen grumbled.

The energy in the air shifted again as Tessa stopped her spell. “I was just trying to help.”

“I know, love.”

Gavin made a gagging sound, which caused Tessa to whip around and Cullen didn’t have to see her face to know she was giving a glare only a sister was capable of. “What was that?”

“Nothing.”

“That’s what I thought.”

The Trevelyans finally reached the top of the stairs and Cullen just stepped to the side as her two burly brothers strode forward and wrapped her up in a bear hug.

“Andraste’s knickers Tessy! Look at you!” Jonathan laughed, finally pulling away so he could beam down at her. His eyes were dark blue and they already had little crow’s feet forming at the corners. Cullen believed Jonathan was the joker out of the four now by the way he was smiling. Jonathan pulled the young woman that was walking with him before forward. “And I want you to meet Katie. Katie, this is Tessa.”

Katherine, or Katie, was a slim woman with dark brown hair that spilt down her back in silky waves. Her green eyes brightened as she and the Inquisitor curtsied to each other. “I’ve heard   
much about you. I am glad to finally put a face to the name!” she said happily. Tessa smiled back and Cullen instantly knew Lady Katherine was not going to be a problem.

“Get out of the way! I want to give her a proper hug,” Oliver ordered, beaming down at his sister. Oliver was the biggest and broadest out of the Trevelyans and Cullen almost laughed when he easily wrapped his arms around Tessa and lifted her off the ground, twirling her around.

Cullen couldn’t stop the grin from coming to his lips when Tessa squealed with laughter and Gavin gave him a knowing smirk.

Oliver finally set the Inquisitor down and Cullen tried to remain calm as he looked over at him. His grey-blue eyes narrowed as he looked from the top of Cullen’s head all the way down to his boots.

Bann Trevelyan stepped forward to give his daughter a hug, but Tessa held her hand out instead. “Father.”

Cullen almost visibly flinched. He was shocked when he discovered Tessa’s parents had stopped writing after she was in the Circle for a year. He also was angry because he saw how hurt Tessa was because of it and he secretly wished he could demand to know why.

Hurt flashed through Trevelyan’s eyes before he took her hand and pressed a small kiss to the back of it. “Tessa.”

Cullen’s brows pinched as he watched the exchange. Something wasn’t right. All of the Trevelyan brothers were confused as well.

Tessa and her mother stared at each other for a moment before curtsying to each other.

Finally, Tessa’s grandparents were able to greet her.

Frederick Trevelyan still looked like the Templar he was. His back was straight and he still carried himself as if he was a young man. He didn’t let himself go after he was retired from duty and Jacklyn was the same way. Both of them looked ten years younger than they probably were.

“Tess,” Frederick said quietly, pulling her into a hug.

Cullen grinned again when he saw her rest her head beneath his chin just like she did when she hugged him.

Tessa then beamed at her grandmother and gave her a hug as well. “You look wonderful, darling. We’re so proud of you,” Jacklyn said, holding Tessa’s hands in her own.

“Thank you,” Tessa paused and gently pulled her hands away so she could move to stand next to Cullen.

Maker, give him strength.

“Well, everyone, this is Commander Cullen.” Pepper gave a low woof and Tessa laughed softly before adding on, “and Pepper.”

Cullen frowned down at the mabari, who only returned it with an innocent face, before he looked toward her family again.

Oliver was doing everything in his power to look as big as possible as they all studied him. Jonathan was now studying him under a scrutinizing eye and Tessa’s mother didn’t look pleased in the slightest. Bann Trevelyan’s stare was even and calculating and both of her grandparents smiled at him.

“Well, even if Tess hadn’t mentioned you used to be a Templar, it wouldn’t have mattered,” Frederick suddenly laughed. He pointed down at Cullen’s feet. “Your stance is wider than usual and you have more than half of your weight on your strong leg. See that boys? He'd be ready to move in an instant if needed. Trained well, you were.”

Thank the Maker that broke the ice.

“Your granddaughter also picked up on that at our first meeting,” Cullen replied, stepping forward to shake the other former Templar’s hand.

“I would have been upset if she didn’t,” Ser Trevelyan laughed, glancing over at Tessa fondly.

Jonathan and Oliver looked over at their younger brother. “Well, what do you think?” Jonathan asked, giving Cullen a wink.

Hold on. What?

“Back off you jackals. You’re not fooling anyone,” Gavin grumbled.

Oliver’s brows rose to his closely cropped hair line. “But—“

“Lay off you prigs. Now let’s get inside. I got hungry waiting for you all,” Gavin interrupted, moving forward to help his grandmother step up the remaining flight of stairs.

The main hall was saved just for them this night and it was awkward to not have anyone in there at this time of day. Usually it was bustling with activity.

Everyone finally was seated and Cullen found himself sitting to Tessa’s right at the head of the table and Jonathan took a seat next to him. Ban Trevelyan sat across from him and Lady Trevelyan sat diagonally.

“So, Ser Cullen, you were in Kirkwall when everything happened, correct? Why don’t you tell us about it?” Lady Trevelyan asked, bringing her wine glass to her lips.

Tessa stiffened out of the corner of his eye and Cullen gently touched his foot to hers under the table to keep her from protesting.

Cullen could feel his palms beginning to sweat in his gloves and the room was suddenly much warmer. “It was not a pleasant experience, my Lady, and I’m sure you all would rather enjoy your dinner without the gruesome details.”

Lady Trevelyan huffed and took another sip of wine.

“That’s a fine mabari you have,” Jacklyn suddenly piped up from down the table. “My father had one just like it.”

Pepper lifted her head and let out a small woof.

Jacklyn was tickled pink and Cullen remembered Tessa telling him her grandmother grew up in Ferelden. “Thank you. Tessa has good taste.”

“You actually got him a dog?” Jonathan laughed, leaning forward to smirk at his sister.

Tessa shrugged. “We wanted to add mabari to the army. Pepper and Cullen were the perfect test subjects,” she replied with a grin toward Cullen.

“What I want to know,” Oliver loudly cut in, “is how the rumors about the Inquisitor and her Commander originated.”

Tessa rolled her eyes. “I told you all in my letters.”

“I didn’t get to read those.”

“Aw, poor little dear.”

Oliver threw his head back with a loud bark of laughter. “Glad to know the Circle didn’t change you.”

The rest of dinner consisted of Tessa asking Katie about how she and Jonathan became engaged and it was actually pleasant.

It became awkward when Jim suddenly rushed in, breathing heavily as he sprinted toward the table. “Commander! Commander! Something happened in the research tower. They—“

Cullen and Gavin instantly got to their feet and Tessa moved to follow. Cullen turned and gently pushed on her shoulder so she would sit again. “Tess I—“

“Demons don’t scare me. You know that.”

“Jim wouldn’t be giving the message if it was demons. He faints,” Cullen retorted. While he knew she could handle any demon or spell, Cullen would have prefered she stay away if there was a fight between the Templars and Mages again. She didn’t take those things well and she already had enough to deal with as is. Not to mention the Captain that managed to get under her skin many months ago could be the cause of it.

She gave him an even stare for a few moments. “Make sure to inform me of what happened, Commander.”

Cullen nodded, pressing a kiss to the back of her hand before hurrying to follow Gavin out of the hall with Pepper at his heels.

It turned out it was a simple fire spell gone wrong; only, the spell caused many wards the mages had set up to go off and it took five Templars to dispel all of the energy. The apprentice that had been trying to bite off more than they could chew was being thoroughly being scolded by the senior mages and some Templars.

Cullen stood on the battlement outside the tower, glaring up at it with his arms crossed. It was just like being at a Circle again. Gavin inhaled deeply beside him. “Did you see something odd when Tessy greeted our parents?” he suddenly asked.

“Well,” Cullen began, rubbing the back of his head, “Tessa told me your parents stopped writing to her after a year. But Bann Trevelyan seemed shocked she greeted him that way.”

Gavin’s blue eyes widened. “What? No, that’s not true. I swore I saw them write all the time when I was allowed to visit home. They were always surprised that she didn’t write back. I just told them the tower might have been overly watchful of that but…” he paused and shook his head before continuing. “I think you should probably get back.”

Cullen sighed and looked back up at the tower. “Do you think you can handle this?”

Gavin gave him a tired smirk, waving the question away. “Jon and Oliver were kidding earlier, you know. They like you. Tessa spoke enough about you in her letters to them. It’s all a stupid, big brother act.” The Templar let out another laugh, “She could probably kick their arses now and they know it. She doesn’t need protecting.”

Cullen bit back a remark about how Gavin was the overprotective big brother the whole time they knew each other, grinning. The Commander was relieved to hear his suspicions from before be confirmed. “Well, two down.”

Gavin barked out a laugh and pushed on Cullen’s shoulder. “Get out of here.”

Cullen made it back to the main hall to find it empty. He went toward his and Tessa’s quarters and tried to open the door as quietly as possible. He heard voices as he reached toward the top of the tower and he recognized Tessa and Frederick. Pepper waited patiently behind him, cocking her head as she listened too.

“I’m so proud of you, Tess. You’ve come so far since I last saw you,” Frederick was saying.

Tessa let out a tired laugh. “I had to go through a lot to get here.”

“I know.” A lengthy pause held in the air. “You know the only person upset with your current situation is your mother, correct? And I also want to know why you treated your parents so coldly.”

“Why shouldn’t I?” Tessa snapped. Cullen could imagine her pacing right now. “They promise to write me while I am in that blighted tower and I only get letters for a year and a half before they completely stop. I wrote them a letter every day for a year. And I received nothing in return. So tell me, why shouldn’t I act that way?”

“Tess, your father did the same thing. They were just as hurt as you.”

“What?”

“They didn’t stop writing. They kept trying and…” Frederick suddenly paused and he sighed. “I think I know what happened.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I believe both parties’ letters were intercepted somehow. I’m going to ask your aunt what she thinks when she arrives.”

“You don’t honestly think she would stop them from contacting me?”

“I wouldn’t put it past her, Tess. I tried to teach her to not think of magic the way she does, but she cares about what others think too much.”

A heavy thump caused Cullen to finish the last flight of stairs. He stood at the top to see Tessa sitting on the bed with her head in her hands and her grandfather standing near her with a grim expression.

“Ah, Ser Cullen. We were wondering when you would arrive. Your messenger is a good lad. He told us the situation and Tessa believed her presence wasn’t required.”

Cullen nodded and moved closer to Tessa, resting a hand on her shoulder. He couldn’t even imagine what she must be thinking at the moment. She sighed and looked up at him, resting her hand on his for a moment. “I’ll be back,” she mumbled, standing up and moving to the stairs.

“Well, I believe we wouldn’t be a noble family without pointless drama,” Frederick finally huffed, moving toward the couch as the sound of the door shutting reached them.

“Do you really think that happened?” Cullen asked, moving to stand next to the fireplace. Pepper had settled on her bed of cushions but she listened with attentive ears.

“Oh I don’t doubt it. She would do it in a heartbeat if it meant keeping the Trevelyans in a good light. Now, I just hope Tessa gets through to Cedric and his stubborn wife so we all can actually enjoy this visit,” the old Templar looked up at him with a grin, “So, a Templar and a mage? I never thought I would see it work out successfully, but Tess was always one to go against the current.”

Cullen laughed through his nose. “I was surprised she was interested in me at all, to be honest. I thought…with Corypheus being a threat and all—“

“It’s amazing, what relationships can do for a person during hardships. You helped her through so much. I hope you know that. That was all she could talk about in her letters to Jacklyn and I. She really cares for you and appreciates everything you do,” Frederick interrupted, grinning.

“I…” Cullen trailed off, not knowing what to say as his throat closed up as his heart swelled in his chest. Tessa did tell him before, but to know she expressed it to the people she was closest to made it seem more real, for some reason.

Frederick’s face fell and he studied Cullen for many moments. “We’re alike, you and I. At least, that’s the conclusion I came to when Tess wrote to me.”

Cullen’s brows pinched. “How so, Ser?”

“Templars. Bit off more than we could chew with the lyrium and with the job. Getting out when it was getting bad. Stubborn to a fault. Take your pick.”

Cullen stood straighter and held his hands behind his back. “Why did you retire?”

Frederick let out a long, tired sigh. “The Order was becoming more corrupt every year I stayed. I saw Templars who just wanted the means to kick innocent people around instead of helping them. When I was Knight Commander of Ostwick, I was trying to crack down on that behavior and that was when the Chantry decided it was best I retire.”

He paused and coughed a little, shaking his head. “Templars are supposed to be protectors, not jailors. It disgusted me to see the Order be twisted into the monster it became.”

The two men remained in a somber silence for many moments.

“Tess did tell you what happened to her at Ostwick, didn’t she?” Frederick asked, looking grim.

A lump formed in Cullen’s throat and he forced down the anger that boiled up every time he thought of it. “Yes, she did.”

“What do you think?” Frederick asked, fixing Cullen with an even stare.

Now that his eyes were completely focused on him, Cullen realized Tessa had inherited her eyes from Ser Frederick. His violet eyes bore into his, searching for an answer.

“I was disgusted it happened at all. It made me wonder how many times I didn’t see that happening at the Circles I served in. No one should go through it,” Cullen finally answered, carefully measuring his words. “I also wanted to strangle the bastard,” he added on.

Frederick coughed out a laugh. “You and me both.” He paused again before grinning a little. “I know she’s in good hands with you, and by what she’s told us, you with her. You know the dangers she has to face as a mage and as the Inquisitor and you make her happy. I couldn’t have asked for better.”

Cullen’s chest constricted with the old man’s words and relief washed over him. Her grandfather approved of him, which was good. The ring seemed to be burning in his pocket now and he decided if there was any time to ask, this would be it. “Ser, I actually wanted your opinion on a matter,” he said, stepping closer to the couch.

One of Frederick’s white, bushy eyebrows lifted. “Oh, and what would that be?”

Cullen sighed and pulled the box out of his pocket and held it out to Trevelyan. “I know I would need her father’s approval, but I felt I needed yours as well from the way she spoke of you,” he explained as the old man took the box from his hands.

Frederick looked in the box and then up at Cullen. “It seems I owe my wife 50 silvers. She said you would ask for Cedric’s blessing soon.”

Cullen didn’t know what to say. “She…knew I was going to ask?”

Frederick chuckled and handed the box back. “I’m sure you know women have a special sense for that business. No? And don’t worry too much. Cedric hates the nobility politics as much as I do. I’m sure you can live without Madelyne’s approval. Maker knows Tess has done it her whole life.”

The Commander stared down at the little box in his hands. “When should I ask him?”

Frederick shrugged and stood from his spot on the couch. “I would suggest tomorrow. He enjoys chess,” he suggested, shuffling down the stairs.

Cullen blinked after him in mild surprise before he started to form a plan in his head.

Surely Bann Trevelyan would play a game of chess with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, since the Trevelyans were always involved with the Chantry, I KNEW some of them had to be Templars...hence Gavin and Frederick. I know it's cliche but I love it. And I always see people's Inquisitors not getting along with their family and I decided to take a different route concerning that.


	71. Coming Clear

Tessa, meanwhile, was in a standoff with her parents.

Her mother adamantly believed Tessa was lying about never receiving their letters and continued to believe Tessa had never tried to contact them.

“Really, dear. The Circles allowed you to contact us and-“

“I wrote you both for a blighted year after I stopped receiving them!” Tessa snapped, looking to her father for help.

Cedric had fallen silent after Tessa explained the situation and a grim expression was on his face.

He was just as Tessa remembered. His violet eyes had more crow’s feet, and the beard was far bushier than when she last saw it, but he was still the silent, gentle giant she remembered.

Ban Trevelyan drummed his fingers on top of the desk he was standing next to when he finally glanced over at his wife.

Madelyne Trevelyan, meanwhile, was still not taking her daughter’s accusations well. “I can’t believe you would actually think we didn’t care about you. I might not care for what you do in your pastime, Tessy but I would never just abandon my little girl! How dare you think-“

“Maddie,” Cedric quietly said, cutting her rant off.

“What?!” she snapped, glaring at her husband.

Cedric sighed and stepped closer to his wife and daughter. “I believe my father is right about his sister intervening somehow. You know how she feels about the Circles and anything regarding them. Why do you think she refused to come with us?”

Tessa honestly was ecstatic when she discovered her aunt was waiting to come a week later. That woman was a nightmare.

“I—“ Madelyne trailed off, sagging down to sit on the couch. “Maker, what a mess.”

Tessa bit her lip and an apology got stuck in her throat. It started to close up and her chest felt tight as she felt tears forming. All of those years wasted, all because her aunt was a bigot.

“I’m sorry I assumed you didn’t care. I—“ Tessa’s throat closed up too much to continue and tears started to silently trail down her cheeks.

Cedric immediately held out his arms and Tessa fell into them burying her face into the front of his coat. He still smelled like mint and books. 

“We don’t blame you, Tessy. What else were you supposed to think?” his deep voice rumbled. Tessa felt him rest his cheek on the top of her head and she instantly felt better.

Another pair of arms wrapped around them and Tessa grinned when she could smell her mother’s familiar perfume. Vanilla and cinnamon.

They all finally pulled away from each other and both Tessa and Madelyne were both crying. “Maker, and the one letter we did receive was the one telling us you were going to the Conclave…Tessy we feared the worst,” Madelyne said, patting daintily at her eyes with a handkerchief.

“And then we hear you’re the Herald of Andraste!” Cedric added on, grinning.

“And then Gavin wrote telling us you were to become the Inquisitor! We are so proud of you, Tessa,” Madelyne continued, beaming. Her mother then frowned and Tessa knew the compliments were going to come to a screeching halt. “I want to address what you wrote to us about before we came here.”

Tessa inwardly flinched. Here we go…

“You and the Commander?! You could have anyone’s hand in Thedas because of your title and you pick a man that has nothing outside of the Templars and the Inquisition?”

Well, Tessa wasn’t surprised her mother thought this way.

Cedric rolled his eyes. “Maddie, we talked about this.”

Madelyne gave her husband a hard stare. “I just want to know. I don’t want some nobody coming in and tricking our daughter into giving him her hand so he could move up in the world. I won’t allow it.”

Tessa stared at her mother in shock. Wait, she wasn’t upset about titles? “Mother, are you telling me you don’t care if he’s-“

“Honestly dear, you were not going to inherit much from us in the first place, being the youngest and all. Being a mage didn't make those odds any higher either. And I have accepted that you were probably not going to marry up years ago when you hit poor Jeffery when you were twelve,” Madelyne explained, waving off Tessa’s remark.

Tessa wanted to shout with joy. If her mother didn’t really care, then maybe everything could turn out alright after all. “So, what if I told you that he wasn’t what you just described?”

“He seemed decent but we still don’t know his true motives,” Lady Trevelyan scoffed, narrowing her bright blue eyes.

Cedric rolled his eyes and shook his head. “Maddie, we already talked about how I was going to talk to him. My father is keeping an eye on him as well.”

“Oh, Maker. We both know your father likes him already just because he was a Templar once. He’s not a good judge on this.”

It was Tessa’s turn to frown. “What about me? Do you think I don’t have a good idea on how to judge character now? I’m the Inquisitor!”

Both of her parents stared at her for a moment before looking at each other. Tessa wondered if she and Cullen looked like that when they were just using face expressions to communicate. Maybe that’s why Leliana smirked constantly during meetings.

“Tessy, you understand we just want to make sure. It’s not that we doubt you. We just never got to play this game with you when you went to the Circle,” Cedric explained. An amused twinkle was in his eyes and Tessa suddenly wasn’t worried about anything. 

Maker, now she knew her father was just doing this to make her mother happy. Nothing did change. 

“Now, you’re going to sit here and we’re going to catch up properly. Tell me, what was the Winter Palace like?” Madelyne demanded, taking her place on the couch.

Tessa and Cedric shared a humored look before sitting down to join her.

And for the first time in years, they talked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly think the 'Inquisitor Trevelyan not getting along with her family' is done too often, so I didn't do it. I also just want my baby to be happy, poor girl has had enough to deal with.


	72. Permission

Cullen twiddled his thumbs nervously as he sat at the chess table in the garden. Bann Trevelyan had accepted his invitation to play chess at breakfast and was supposed to arrive at any moment. Cullen couldn’t escort him down because Jim had come running in with an important update from Ser Rylen and Cullen was forced to take care of the issue.

Now, the Commander found himself taking the ring out of his pocket every other moment to stare at it before quickly tucking it back in its hiding place.

Heavy footsteps finally sounded in the garden and Cullen stood as Bann Trevelyan approached the table. “That’s a fine looking chess set there. Tessy picked it out, didn’t she?” he asked, waving off Cullen’s hand with a good natured grin.

“Yes, she did,” Cullen replied, only taking a seat after Trevelyan did.

“Poor girl, she never was good at it, no matter how much I tried to teach her,” Trevelyan chuckled, moving the pieces into place.

Cullen couldn’t help but grin, remembering the first time he played chess with her. “I may have let her win once or twice,” he admitted.

Trevelyan stared at him for a moment before throwing his head back with a laugh. “You too?”

Since Trevelyan had the white pieces, he started the game.

They played for a few moves before Cullen finally mustered up the courage to speak. “I actually wanted to ask you a question, Bann—“

“I believe I know what it is,” Trevelyan interrupted, steepling his fingers in front of his face.

The collar of Cullen’s coat suddenly felt tight. “Well, I…” he trailed off and rubbed the back of his neck. “I want you to know, Ser, that I love your daughter very much and…” Oh shite, Cullen was already screwing up.

“Is that all?” Cedric asked evenly, giving Cullen the best Wicked Grace face he had ever seen.

Cullen fumbled around in his pocket for the ring and he set it on the chess table. “I know Tess cares for you all very much, and I wouldn’t want to jeopardize that in any way. I would like your blessing. I know I can’t offer her much outside of the Inquisition, but I swear I will do my best regardless. She is the most important person in my life and I would do anything for her.”

He didn’t know how he was able to get all of those words out evenly just now. His heart was thundering in his chest and he started to panic when Trevelyan just stared at the little box sitting next to his Queen in the middle of the chess table.

Trevelyan finally reached forward and picked up the box and opened it, inspecting the ring. He closed it again and held it in his hands.

“Why do you love her? I’m curious,” he finally asked, looking straight into Cullen’s eyes. Cullen realized Tessa also had her father’s eyes at that moment.

Cullen knew the answer to his question right away. “I love her because she is kind. And she is passionate about everything she does and she takes everyone’s best interest at heart, even when it hurts her. She is everything good in my life wrapped up in one person and I don’t believe I deserve her in any way shape or form, but I can’t imagine being without her now…Ser.”

Trevelyan cocked his head, just like Tessa would. “Why do you think you don’t deserve her?”

Cullen debated whether to tell Trevelyan about the lyrium withdrawal and his past. He assumed he would have to in order to pass this hypothetical test Trevelyan was making him go through at the moment. “I am not proud of my past. I have said and done things that were not honorable and I joined the Inquisition to rectify some of the mistakes I made,” he paused and took a deep breath before continuing, “I decided to stop taking lyrium after I joined the Inquisition. I didn’t want to be tied to the Templar Order. I never could have done it without Tessa and I regret putting her through that.”

“Did she know you were not taking lyrium before your relationship started?”

“Yes, I told her right after she became Inquisitor. I felt she deserved to know since she was our leader.”

Trevelyan’s even stare never wavered as he studied Cullen for many moments. He finally moved his Queen to take one of Cullen’s Templar pieces. “What kind of man are you now, Ser Cullen? Do you feel like the Inquisition helped make up for your mistakes?”

“I do not believe my mistakes can ever be atoned for. I was unhappy with the way things were dealt with concerning the Templars and I knew something had to be done, hence why I accepted Lady Pentaghast’s invitation,” Cullen furrowed his brow as he thought of an answer to the original question, “I am closer to the man I want to be. I know the Inquisition was able to help a countless number of people and I am proud to be a part of that.”

The two men stared at each other for many moments and Cullen just wished Trevelyan would say something. Cullen moved one of his Cleric pieces to pass the time.

Trevelyan opened up the box again and looked at the ring inside. He finally held it out to Cullen. “You have my blessing. My wife and I were only concerned about your motives, Ser Cullen, nothing more. We didn’t want someone to swoop in and trick Tessa into believing false sentiment in order to gain something from her.”

Cullen stared down at the box in his hand in shock. He approved? He could understand where he and Lady Trevelyan were coming from as well. “Yes…swooping is bad,” he said lamely.

Trevelyan grinned and Cullen recognized where Tessa’s smile came from now. “You may relax now. And just call me Cedric or Ser Cedric or whatever makes you comfortable.” He moved his Queen again and Cullen instantly picked up on the tactic he was using.

He moved a tower to counter what he was trying to do.

“You don’t know how relieved I am…Ser Cedric.”

Cedric grinned. “I remember the feeling. I thought Madelyne’s father was going to skin me alive when I asked him. Her mother vouched for me in the end.”

Cullen’s eyes widened and Cedric’s grin turned into a smirk. “Thank the Maker you got me, hm?” he continued, eyes twinkling with humor.

Cullen slowly nodded. “Yes…thank the Maker.”

Cedric shrugged. “Then again, if I was a prig like everyone expects a noble to be, I would have just set my sons on you. Maker knows they all know how to kick someone’s arse.”

“Your daughter isn’t an exception,” Cullen said without thinking. He instantly clamped his mouth shut and tried to not fidget as Cedric stared at him for a moment.

He suddenly burst into a fit of laughter. “I remember her telling me that she almost clubbed a Seeker over the head with her staff last night. And she almost bested you at some point. The boys just wanted to piss their mother off when they taught her everything.” He paused and shrugged nonchalantly. “Not that I didn’t give them the idea in the first place.”

Cullen couldn’t help but smile, relieved that he didn’t step over the line. “It was a good idea, Ser.”

Cedric smirked and moved one of his towers and then he frowned as he looked at the board.

Cullen looked as well and he saw the mistake he just made. Cedric moved his tower away from its protective spot over the King, and Cullen could see how to put the King in check with his Cleric. He moved the Cleric and looked up at Cedric, seeing what he would do.

Cedric stared at the board for many moments before shaking his head. “Well, I ruined that one, didn’t I? Well done.”

“Thank you, Ser.”

Cedric leaned back in his chair and he tilted his head. “So, how are you going to ask her? My mother won’t stop talking about it. She seemed to know just by looking at you two.”

“I…” Cullen rubbed the back of his head, trying to stop the blush from rising on his cheeks. “I was going to do what my father did for my mother. It’s sort of a tradition from the village I grew up in.”

“Oh, Tessy loves that shite. Good choice,” Cedric chuckled, before standing up. The older man stretched before looking out at the garden appreciatively. “She showed me that little study in the basement this morning. She’s still excited about it.”

Cullen stood as well, clasping his hands behind his back. “She is?”

Cedric glanced over at him. “Oh yes. She was showing us every single book in there. I know Madelyne was thinking it’s my fault Tessa loves books so much. I believe books make a greater weapon than any sword. Tessy was the only child that picked up on that.”

In that moment, Cullen realized that Tessa wasn’t Grandpa’s Little Girl like he thought she was. She was a Daddy’s Girl. Bann Trevelyan reminded him of Tessa so much in the past half hour and he didn’t even realize it until he started talking about the library. Both of them were practical and valued knowledge and they had a teasing sense of humor.

How did Cullen not see it sooner?

“Where’s your mabari? If I may ask,” Trevelyan said, beckoning to Cullen as he started to walk toward the entrance to the main hall.

Cullen followed, quickly catching up. “My nieces have taken a liking to her. I believe she has more fun with them.”

“You have nieces?”

Cullen soon found out Tessa also inherited her ability to connect with others easily from her father as well.

Things were finally falling into place and Cullen found that his stress level went down significantly.

This might actually work.


	73. Proposal

Tessa grinned as she looked up at the stars. The weather was becoming chilly again, but Tessa didn’t mind the slight breeze with her heavy shirt on. The balcony was littered with the various vases of flowers nobles had been sending her. She scrunched up her nose when her hair blew in her face and she wondered why she left it down.

Oh yes, it was so her mother wouldn’t scold her.

Tessa almost forgot how infuriating her mother could be, but she loved her despite that.

It was great to spar with Jon and Oliver again too. Tessa grinned thinking about it. The mage forgot how much she actually missed her family after seeing them all again. She missed Jon with his bright smile and constant joking and Oliver and his bone crushing hugs and earsplitting voice. She even missed Gavin again when he was at Adamant with his overprotective, white knight attitude. 

She had almost forgotten how her grandmother’s smile brightened her day and how her grandfather always made her feel safe and understood. She even missed how her mother was always fretting over how she looked and whether she was getting all of her work done.

And her Papa, Maker she forgot how much she missed him. She missed the quiet companion she had in him. He was the person she could comfortably sit in silence with, reading books for hours and she could always trust him with her secrets. The only thing she was allowed to have that could remind her of him was the mint tea he always seemed to be drinking. Tessa managed to find some at Ostwick and Skyhold and she always thought about him when she smelled it.

Another thing that lifted her spirits today was when she saw how Cullen and her father walked around Skyhold all afternoon. It seemed like Cullen was giving him a tour and she could tell that her beloved was finally relaxing around her father. Her mother had told him they had played chess together that morning and Tessa got the feeling it went well.

Both of her parents—well, mostly her father—seemed impressed with her own little library downstairs that Cullen cleaned up for her. She hoped they could see the man Cullen was, instead of the scoundrel they managed to think of. 

A high pitched whistle suddenly sang a tune in the air, cutting into her thoughts. Tessa looked over her shoulder to see Cullen leaning against the doorframe to the balcony, smiling at her. He whistled some more and Tessa arched a brow at him as the tune continued. He stepped forward so he could lean on the balcony beside her.

“What was that?” she giggled, moving closer to lean against him.

Instead of answering, he started to softly sing words.

_“I’ll swim and sail on savage seas;  
With never a fear of drowning.”_

He paused and twined his fingers with hers.

 _“And gladly ride the waves of life;”_ He paused and brought her hand to his lips, looking her in the eye before singing, _“If you would marry me…”_

Tessa’s heart thudded in her chest and a floating feeling overcame her as he grinned.

_“No scorching sun nor freezing cold;  
Will stop me on my journey.”_

He stood straight and held both of her hands in his, brushing his thumbs on the back of her knuckles as he continued.

_“If you will promise me your heart;  
And love me for eternity.”_

Tessa didn’t know what to think or say. She had imagined this moment since she was a little girl and this was transcending anything her imagination could come up with.

_“I would bring you rings of gold;  
I’d even sing you poetry.  
And I would keep you from all harm;  
If you would stay beside me.”_

He leaned forward and pressed his forehead against hers.

_“To love and kiss to sweetly hold;  
For the dancing and the dreaming  
Through all life’s sorrows and delights  
I’ll keep your laugh inside me”_

Tessa knew her face was bright pink and her heart was threatening to burst from her chest it felt so big. Was this a dream? She had to be dreaming.

_“I’ll swim and sail a savage seas;  
With never a fear of drowning  
I’d gladly ride the waves so white  
If you will marry me”_

The last note of the song faded into the air and Tessa could feel happy tears streaming down her cheeks. She didn’t bother to wipe them away.

“Will you marry me, Tess?” he whispered.

The question hung in the air and Tessa’s throat was closing up too much to answer. All she could do was silently nod and smile. “Yes,” she managed to squeak.

Maker, if she could see Cullen’s face light up like it did then and there, she would say it all the time. That actually didn't seem like a bad idea...

“Yes, yes yes yes—“

His lips cut her off and Tessa could feel him smiling as he pulled her close to him. Tessa threw her arms around his neck and deepened the kiss, grinning. She felt as if electricity was shooting through her veins and her heart was soaring. She squealed with laughter as he tightened his hold and picked her off her feet to twirl her around.

His laughter filled the air as well and Tessa’s heart fluttered with the sound.

He finally set her down and he awkwardly patted at his pockets and coat. He grumbled, causing her to giggle, and he finally found what he was looking for. He held the little box out to her, grinning nervously. “Sorry, should have had it out already,” he admitted sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck.

Tessa shook her head with a smile before gingerly taking the box from him. She slowly opened the lid and she gasped a little when she saw the ring. It was a typical princess cut, but the diamond wasn’t the monster she usually saw on engagement rings. It was simple and perfect. The silver band gleamed in the moonlight and Tessa’s breath caught in her throat as she studied it.

“Cullen, it’s beautiful,” she managed to choke out, tearing up again.

He sighed in relief, laughing a little. “I’m glad you like it. The girls said you would.”

Tessa beamed up at him as he took the ring from the box and she held out her hand so he could carefully slip it on her finger. She leaned against him, holding her hand out to inspect it further. “Your sisters approved?”

Cullen pecked the top of her head, wrapping an arm around her waist. “Mia told me to get this design.”

“Remind me to thank her.”

The couple stood out on the balcony, basking in the moment.

“Was that the song your father sang to your mother? Your sisters mentioned it,” Tessa finally asked. Her throat closed up as she thought about what that song meant to him and his family. Joy surged through her veins knowing he shared something so important with her. 

“Yes, it was a little tradition to propose that way in Honnleath. I was glad my sisters remembered it.”

Tessa imagined Cullen and his sisters practicing the lyrics and her heart fluttered more. “I love you.”

Cullen leaned down and pressed another kiss to her lips. “I love you too.”

The Inquisitor’s fingers started to weave their way through the fur around his shoulders. “You know we’re not going down to dinner until I have my way with you, right?”

His amber eyes widened before he cleared his throat. “Is that so?”

“Yes, so I suggest you start making your way toward the bed, Ser.”

“Yes ma’am.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, technically this is an AU now with all of the Trespasser shit (as much as I loved it, I had planned this for Tess and Cull for too long to change it and I like this for them). 
> 
> Also, all rights go to Dreamworks and John Powell for "For the Dancing and the Dreaming" 
> 
> That song brings tears to my eyes. Too bad they will never have an epic duet, since Tessa can't sing a lick.


	74. Testing the Chains

To say that everyone wasn’t surprised was an understatement. 

Cullen even wasn’t surprised to know no one was surprised. Both of their families and all of their friends just _happened_ to be at dinner tonight. 

As soon as he and Tessa stepped out into the main hall, everyone started clapping and cheering. Sera and Oliver were whistling and whooping obnoxiously. Dorian, Iron Bull, and Varric were passing coins to each other…and then passed them all to Josephine, who was dabbing at her eyes with a handkerchief next to Gavin. 

Leliana and Vivienne stood to the side, smiling and clapping along with the rest of them, while Blackwall stood with Cassandra, who had yet to leave for Val Royeaux. 

Cullen glanced toward his family and he couldn’t help but smile at them. Mia looked like she was about to cry and Rosalie looked like she was doing all she could to console her. His nieces, meanwhile, ran over to Iron Bull and soon ended up on the qunari’s shoulders, cheering with everyone else. 

The Trevelyans were even pleased. Well, Cullen didn’t know what to call Lady Trevelyan’s expression, but the rest of them looked excited. Frederick even caught his eye and winked at him. 

“Of course everyone knows,” Tessa snickered in his ear. 

Cullen leaned close, pressing a kiss to her cheek. “My money is on Leliana or one of my sisters,” he chuckled. 

Tessa arched a brow at him with a mischievous grin. “I’m not trusting your gambling instincts. I might lose my clothes.”

Feeling braver than usual, Cullen pinched her arse in retaliation. That earned him a shocked look and all he could do was smirk. 

“WHY ARE WE JUST STANDING HERE?!” Oliver suddenly bellowed, earning a pinched expression from Lady Trevelyan. 

“BREAK OUT THE CASKS!” Sera howled, running over to said casks that _happened_ to be out. Oliver and Branson were on her heels. 

Cullen was going to find out who snitched if it was the last thing he did. He knew it was Mia, Rosalie, or Leliana. 

“Well, there goes the night,” Tessa laughed, beaming up at him. 

“And there goes our brothers,” Cullen groaned, watching as Branson was now trying to outdrink both Oliver and Sera. The poor men didn’t know what they were getting into. 

Tessa’s eyes widened before she covered her mouth, trying to hold back her snickers. “Oh Maker, poor Ol.”

“Poor Bran,” Cullen grumbled, sending a silent prayer to Andraste for his brother. 

Tessa held her hand out. “I suppose we should mingle, since we’re celebrating now I suppose.”

Cullen noticed she held out her left hand, letting the ring sparkle in plain sight. He smiled before twining his fingers with hers and pressing a kiss to the back of her hand. “Lead on, love.”

The night was spent getting a ribbing from Varric and Dorian about waiting so long to ask, being asked 1000 questions he did not know the answer to about the wedding they haven’t even thought about yet, and staring at his fiancé. 

Fiancé…he never thought he would apply that word to anyone in his life, yet there she was, smiling brightly at his side and looking the happiest he had ever seen her. 

They were standing next to Gavin now, watching in horror as both Branson and Oliver fell under the table, where Sera was cackling wildly. 

“I should have warned him,” Gavin huffed, grinning cheekily. 

“That was revenge for when he put itching powder in your clothes once, wasn’t it?” Tessa asked, giving her brother a sly look. 

Gavin shrugged. “I told him to challenge the elf to a drinking game. Surely a big guy like him should have been able to win, right?”

The Inquisitor slapped her brother’s arm playfully. “You’re evil, he’s going to be in the worst mood tomorrow.”

A roar or laughter caused all three of them to look toward the other side of the hall. Both Alana and Regan were standing on Iron Bull’s shoulders now and both girls were taking the opportunity to mess with Dorian hair and their father’s hair. 

“Who knew the Iron Bull had a soft spot for children?” Cullen laughed. Bull seemed to be near his nieces _constantly_ since he met them. 

“Have you _seen_ him with the Chargers? They are his children,” Tessa joked. 

Gavin cleared his throat. “I’m surprised he and that mage are still together. My men and I had a bet on whether they’ll last or not.”

Cullen narrowed his eyes a little. Gavin almost sounded…regretful. 

“And why is that dear brother?”

“Well, they’re a qunari and a Tevinter mage, it was just unexpected.”

Tessa just pinched her brother’s arm. “You know you had a chance with him right after we came here.”

Gavin’s eyes widened and he spluttered, glaring down at his sister. “How did you-“

“Gav, he wouldn’t shut up about you until Bull started putting ideas in his head. He didn’t even care your favorite shirt is made of plaideweave, which is a crime to wear in his opinion,” Tessa plucked at her brother’s sleeve with a teasing grin. “Though, I think it worked out well for you and our ambassador, hm?”

Gavin looked at her, toward Dorian, and back at her again. “You’re telling me he would have accepted anything I suggested?”

Tessa shrugged. “Yes.”

“Maker’s balls.”

Cullen was still trying to wrap his mind around what just happened. He knew Tessa didn’t care what gender her partner was, she told him so when she said she had a few experiences with other women, but he was surprised to hear that about her brother. He didn’t have a problem with it, but the Chantry usually tried to shut those feelings down when they trained their Templars. 

A distant memory of a shirtless match suddenly came to Cullen’s mind. “Hold on, is that why you suggested we challenge each other without shirts that one day?”

Gavin’s cheeks turned pink and he took a drink from his tankard. “Perhaps,” he paused and shook his head, “but Tessy’s right. I’m happy with Josie and I can see he’s happy with Iron Bull, so no harm done.”

All three of them shrugged and looked toward Josephine herself, who was speaking with Lady Trevelyan.

“When are you going to ask-“

“Don’t,” Gavin curtly replied, giving her a warning look. 

Tessa arched a brow and Cullen knew she would bother him about it later, but she knew when not to pry. 

Gavin walked away to join the ambassador and Tessa let out a sigh. “He’s worried because she’s the oldest in her family and he won’t have much to give her since he’s a Templar.”

Cullen wrapped an arm around her waist, tugging her closer. “Are you sure?”

“Josie reads him like a book. She told me that was his reason when I asked her. She had been bugging me about whether you asked me to marry you or not for days now.”

Cullen suddenly realized who told everyone and managed to get the celebration set up in _no_ time at all. “Maker’s breath,” he hissed, draining his tankard. 

“What?”

“You would have lost your clothes if you listened to me.”

Tessa gave him a bewildered look for a moment before she started laughing. “It was Josie! She takes her bets seriously after all.”

Cullen shook his head in amusement, pulling her closer to him, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. 

“You know you’re going to pay for that stunt earlier,” she teased, pinching his side. 

“I can’t wait.”

Tessa rolled her eyes before tugging him toward the main doors. “You cheek.”

They stepped outside, letting the cool night air wash over them. Tessa shivered and stood closer to him, allowing him to wrap his arms around her shoulders. 

Cullen knew the future was unsure as ever. 

Times were changing in Thedas and he knew they were going to go through many trials before peace was truly met. He had all the confidence in the world for the woman in his arms. She had been through more horrors and pain than anyone else, yet she still managed to be kind and strong through all of it. She helped him test the chains that held him for so long and helped him break from their hold, giving him all of her love and patience in the process. 

Cullen never thought he would find peace and love from a mage, yet here he was.

And he wouldn’t have had it any other way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ALL for joining me on this ride. I'm still going to post oneshots and such of these two and of my other nerds. I started writing this in January and now look at it. I've NEVER written anything this long and I'm pleased with how it turned out. 
> 
> Again, thank you for every view, kudos, and bookmark and I love you all!


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